Partner won't compromise on where to live

[KarrieLou]

Advice needed please.

My partner has an 8 year old (who we have 50% of the time), I have an 11 year old and we have a 2 year old together. We've been together four a half years, we're currently staying in my house as partners house is up for sale and we can't afford anywhere else until it sells. For the purpose of this post partner lives in R and I live in M.

Partner told me tonight that he won't move away from R, he's miserable here in M and won't go anywhere else. His family are in R, his child's school and friends. I don't know anyone in R, and M is half way between our kids schools (my child has severe anxiety so moving schools would cause huge problems). M is where my parents live and my mum does all of our babysitting, she does my school runs as I start work too early (I give her petrol money for this) and she's disabled. I don't mind moving away from family as we both drive so it won't be too much harder to see them.

M was the compromise as it's in between where we actually want to be, but he's said that he won't go anywhere other than R. Going to R would mean a half hour journey to school for my child every morning, 10 mins extra added on to my mum's journey with school runs.

I honestly can't stop crying, all I can think of is this is going to break us up. I love him and I want to make things work, I don't want our family to break up but I just don't know if I can take my child further away from school.
 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

 I have an 11 year old and we have a 2 year old together. We've been together four a half years, we're currently staying in my house 

Do whatever is right for your children. Why isn't his divorce settled yet as far as division of property/assets?

You'll have to check with your child's father as far as your custody and visitation arrangements and how that a move would affect that.

You may have to come to terms with the fact that this man has not appropriately sorted out his finances, divorce or custody arrangements before he started camping out in your house.

The most important people here are your children, family and the father of your other child and what your agreement with co-parenting is.

If your partner wants to move back to his hometown, let him. Do not uproot your life for someone who enjoyed your hospitality after his divorce but now wants to turn the tables.

[KarrieLou]

He wasn't married to his ex, he's selling the house through estate agents and it just hasn't sold yet. We don't have a lot of money so we'd use the money from this house as the deposit for a family house.

My child's father left while I was pregnant so I have full 24/7 custody.

[Batya33]

I'm a mom and not a single mom but did tons of solo parenting after I moved to a city where I knew no one -leaving my family behind in a city I'd lived in for 43 years.  I had no family help at all.  My husband traveled a lot including to help his disabled parents in our home town.  800 miles away.  I didn't work outside the home till my son was 7.  Had I tried I would have had to hire and pay sitters/nanny/use daycare etc -all expensive and especially now with the pandemic hiring caregivers who are reliable is so very hard to find.

You are so very lucky to have your mother's help. It was so hard and scary sometimes having no one.  (Now he is 13 so that is easier of course since I can leave him alone for periods of time to do whatever I need to get done and the young child illnesses faded, etc).

If you increase her commute that could be a real challenge for her as well as for your child.  If your child gets sick at school she'd have to drive further to pick her up, etc.  

I'm sorry and my advice is put your children first.  Make sure you and he coparent the two year old .  Make sure you have all your ducks in a row as far as child support since you two are not married -especially because of that.  He is choosing his geographical preferences knowing it does not work for you or your child.  So although your children always come first, I would choose their comfort and best interests now .I'm sorry.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

we'd use the money from this house as the deposit for a family house.

What's wrong with the house you already live in?

[KarrieLou]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What's wrong with the house you already live in?

It's too small for all of us, it's the house I lived in before we met.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I'm curious to better understand this...

2 hours ago, KarrieLou said:

M was the compromise as it's in between where we actually want to be,

Is there some other town, between the two, that is most appealing to both of you? If so, why isn't that part of the discussion right now? And when you say M was the "compromise," is that an expression you both used when planning the future, an agreement reached that he's now backing out of? And, prior to his selling the house, were you guys living separately?

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

It's too small for all of us, it's the house I lived in before we met.

Are you planning to buy a house together? 

If so, what is your desired location? Where you are now? He states he does not want that location and would prefer to move back to his hometown, but that doesn't work for you?

Be careful about comingling finances with someone you're not married to or even in agreement with as to where to live. Stay where you are in your hometown where your family is and your mother babysits and helps out.

He should not be crowding you out of  your home. Why can't he just live in his own house in his own hometown where he wants to be anyway? What is his legal address? 

[Lambert]

you really have to think about what type of person considers a compromise as getting what they want. 

And further what does conceding to this mean long term. Not just drive times, but isolating you from your family & imposing more control in other areas

What kind of father are you dealing with that he isn't concerned about the son's situation? the support you will be giving up on the child care from your mom? Will it all fall on you to handle?

You said you're crying because you love him so much. Is he and your relationship the priority for you?  What about him?

Sounds like you are being asked to sacrifice a lot. What is he sacrificing?

 

[reinventmyself]

or  . . you can live in your preferred towns for the time being.  Put the children's needs first and continue to date each other until things change or a compromise presents itself.

 

[itsallgrand]

I get the impression he doesn't think of you all as one big family the same way you do. He's considering himself, and his child he has partial custody of, but not the 11 year old nor the 2 year old nor you and your mom. For the that reason, I would table the idea of all moving together into a new shared house for now at least. 

 

 

 

[KarrieLou]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

I'm curious to better understand this...

Is there some other town, between the two, that is most appealing to both of you? If so, why isn't that part of the discussion right now? And when you say M was the "compromise," is that an expression you both used when planning the future, an agreement reached that he's now backing out of? And, prior to his selling the house, were you guys living separately?

M was the compromise because it's the town between where each of us want to be, it's 15 mins away from his child's school - which where he wants, and is 20 mins away from my child's school - which is where I want. It's as in the middle as we can get.

Yes we lived separately and his house is still his legal address. We want to live together as a family which is why he put his house up for sale (I'm renting so can't sell mine), so we could use the money to buy a house for all of us.

[reinventmyself]

You keep going back to the table for a compromise until you reach one.

He may dislike living in your town, but would he dislike living alone?  

[bluecastle]

So when he put the house up for sale you were both in agreement on M as the location for your family home? That’s the part I’m trying to understand, if there was consensus on that that he’s now backing out of or if you two are just now starting to negotiate.

[KarrieLou]

12 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

So when he put the house up for sale you were both in agreement on M as the location for your family home? That’s the part I’m trying to understand, if there was consensus on that that he’s now backing out of or if you two are just now starting to negotiate.

We both agreed M was the best compromise, yes. We did both state neither of us particularly wanted to be there but it was the best option until the kids have finished school.

[Jaunty]

I'm confused.  Where is it that you both "really want to be"?  According to your post, M is where you live, but it's also where you want him to agree to live?   It kind of sounds like you only want M, and he only wants R, and neither one of you is compromising.  

Is there a place which is neither M nor R that you can agree on?  

[KarrieLou]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm confused.  Where is it that you both "really want to be"?  According to your post, M is where you live, but it's also where you want him to agree to live?   It kind of sounds like you only want M, and he only wants R, and neither one of you is compromising.  

Is there a place which is neither M nor R that you can agree on?  

Sorry I didn't make it clear in my post. Basically the place I want to live is S, which is where my child's school is. He wants to live in R as this is where his family and child's school is. M is the town that is in the middle of these two so would make it almost equal distance to schools, this is why it's the compromise.

Neither of us want to be in M, but it's the town in between both which would be best until the kids have finished school and we can go wherever.

M is 15 mins away from his child's school, 20 mins away from mine, so it's the most in between we can get.

[Jaunty]

One thing is for sure:  The two of you need to learn how to compromise or else your future as a couple already looks pretty grim.  

Compromise doesn't mean one person "wins" and the other "loses."  

See if each of you can come up with 3 suggestions that would be reasonable for all the people involved in this (each of you and all the kids).  If there is any point of intersection, there is your answer.  If not, keep trying.  

If you can't figure out how to do it, get some coaching from a professional on this.  

[KarrieLou]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

One thing is for sure:  The two of you need to learn how to compromise or else your future as a couple already looks pretty grim.  

Compromise doesn't mean one person "wins" and the other "loses."  

See if each of you can come up with 3 suggestions that would be reasonable for all the people involved in this (each of you and all the kids).  If there is any point of intersection, there is your answer.  If not, keep trying.  

If you can't figure out how to do it, get some coaching from a professional on this.  

That's what we did at first, we looked around at multiple places that we could both afford but M was the only one that we could both afford petrol for school runs/work etc. It's also the one that's better for my mum who is the one that does my school runs due to my work, but I give her the petrol money to make up.

Ive suggested couples therapy to help but he doesn't think it will make a difference. I'm currently doing talking therapy by myself.

[catfeeder]

So he's backing out of your deal, and he won't budge.

I'd speak with your Mom about whether you can move in with her until this is settled, or until you can find a place of your own.

This would have partner living alone again. It sounds as though that's what he wants, but he's trying to save money by having you make all the sacrifices to go where he is.

But think about it: would adding all of that distance and extra petrol actually save you money?

You may want to re-think your plans with this man, and I'm so sorry.

[indea08]

So you have about 10-12 years until both of your separate children finish school and are ready to support themselves. Your shared child’s schooling can be changed by the two of you, so that’s not as much of an obstacle. 

Given your known circumstances, how would you best like to experience the next 10-12 years? Perhaps you could try a rental? That’s a little less permanent. Although, in todays market (in the US at least), purchasing a home is hardly permanent. Maybe there’s a nearby attraction, like a lake or amusement park, you’d like to be near for a few years. Maybe further out of town might be better, to do outdoor activities with your growing kiddos (four wheelers, hiking, animals). Or maybe you’d rather have lots of activities nearby, and a condo might work for a couple years. 

My point is, you’re currently writing the story of your life…so instead of focusing on where it’s taking place, maybe focus on what you want the story to be. That will give you some clarity and direction.

[bluecastle]

Curious: In living separately these past two years as parents, how do you two handle childcare? Does the child move between homes, or stay at one? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, KarrieLou said:

I want to live is S, which is where my child's school is.

He wants to live in R as this is where his family and child's school is.

M is the town that is in the middle of these two

Where do you actually reside, legally? M or S? He legally resides in R and his ex and house is there?

Why is M being thrown into the mix if your family/mother/child's school is in S? Don't move to somewhere in the middle of nowhere to force fit this to work.

 Couple's therapy won't help this because he's not interested and he seems to want you to either move to R and live with him or keep things as they are with separate town/residences.

 

[KarrieLou]

My family live in M, I currently live in M as I had problems with severe depression a few years ago so had to be close to my mum to help with childcare. My daughter's school is still in S (where I lived before this) as she has very bad anxiety issues and moving schools would cause it to get worse. Partner's legal residence is R but he's been living in my house for the past year while his has been u for sale. His ex and family live on R, yes.

I would struggle to afford the petrol money for school runs from R and he just doesn't want to move anywhere else.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, KarrieLou said:

My family live in M, I currently live in M as I had problems with severe depression a few years ago so had to be close to my mum to help with childcare. 

Partner's legal residence is R but he's been living in my house for the past year while his has been u for sale. His ex and family live on R, yes.

It's sad you wish to build a family, but there seems to be an impasse as far as your needs and his wants.

So neither M nor R are compromises. Kick him out and tend to your mental health, children and mother. Let him move back to his ex, child and ex.

 Unfortunately the proceeds of his house (if it ever sells) is his to do what he wants. Why is it for sale anyway if he wants to live in that town?