Not EVERYONE is your friend. How many times have your been told this.

[Willowgirl55]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you choose to act in a too friendly way? Are you good at reading a room or situation as far as how to make people feel comfortable around you? Do you think others see you as fake or forced when you choose to act or react like this?

It's just automatic. It's like I have to check myself and my enthusiasm and tell myself to pull back as I'm being over friendly. I don't walk into a room and say to myself "ok it's TIME TO BE NICE NOW". It just happens. Ive actually been told at one of my jobs more than once I'M TOO NICE.   

[Willowgirl55]

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is "overinvesting", not "ghosting". Ghosting would be if they moved and never told you where, or just not answering your messages. You being overinvested into somebody who doesnt want to hang out and is basically an aquitance, is not ghosting.

You need to stop "overinvesting" into friendships like that. Meaning to try over people who tomorrow wont say "Hi" in the street. If they want to hang out and organize something, good. If not, good ridance. You have a good heart so you probably take this kind of stuff very hard. But you need to learn not to. If somebody doesnt want to hang out with you, their loss. There is always somebody who will.

Over investing exactly. Good point. I do take it hard. That's why I'm trying to seek counseling.. thank you!

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I don't even think about it it just happens .

This could be something to explore. 

Why are you doing things and not even thinking about them? 

What are you thinking about? 

You can't control yourself? (serious question) 

1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I'm usually pretty positive and enthusiastic. I always make eye contact which alot of people don't do. I think I'm over enthusiastic and people don't like it.

Part of connecting with people is picking up on queues and what's called "reading the room". 

If you're super excitable or overly friendly in your interactions it can come across as ingenious or like you're a little out of touch. 

Building a friendship like any relationship requires a connection, which is basically two people feeling they understand each other at a certain level.

If you're overly aggressive with the friendliness and projecting tons of happiness on a person that is more subdued in their interactions you're turning them off. 

They're not connecting to you. 

It's not enough to say, this is me,  how I am, I can't help it, if you want more people to connect with you. 

I always make friends easily. Some last, some don't.  I think my success comes from "meeting people where they are". I put the same level of effort as they do. I look to highlight our commonalities. I mirror their level of engagement and enthusiasm based on what is happening.

You're over friendliness may be what you think you're putting out there. but it may not be what people see it as.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

It's just automatic. It's like I have to check myself and my enthusiasm and tell myself to pull back as I'm being over friendly. I don't walk into a room and say to myself "ok it's TIME TO BE NICE NOW". It just happens. Ive actually been told at one of my jobs more than once I'M TOO NICE.   

It's not automatic -don't tell yourself that -it's a choice and you learn to make a different choice - I used to be wayyyyy too chatty in my 20s/early 30s.  I had to learn - with a lot of work and effort -to be more appropriate socially. (Ironically it was my future husband who gave me this constructive criticism on new years eve 1997 I believe and I took it to heart and changed and found people liked me a lot more and more importantly respected and trusted me a lot more -overly friendly/oversharing results in people being concerned you'll also be indiscreet with their info). 

I didn't gossip but I got chatty when feeling nervous/insecure and I also overshared.  It's not nice to be overeager and it's not nice to expect someone to be your friend because you act in a nice or kind way. 

Too nice means you're self-absorbed -you're being "nice" to get approval mostly instead of from a position of confidence and just being a good person - with the benefit of approval way down on the priority list.  It's not a compliment.  It's totally doable to act more appropriately -you just have to not allow yourself to indulge in this "but it's automatic" -we all choose how to act and react in situations like that.  Certain things are knee jerk - like reacting out of fear if you're attacked, feeling chills if you hear a certain song.  What you are describing is a choice.  Make a different choice with the goal of improving your confidence and the comfort of people around you.

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think something is wrong with you. From what you wrote you are introverted. That doesnt make it a great condition to make friends. To make friends you have to be willing to go out there, meet people, talk to them, go to their socials, organize your own socials etc. Its a process. And not a lot of introverted people can do that. That is why most of them dont have a lot of friends.

I second this!

Are you young?  I was very quiet as well when younger... but I always had a 'few friends' out there.

Counselling/therapy is a good idea.  Been there.  Eventually, especially when my kids arrived i knew I had to step up & act more.

Is okay to be an introvert 🙂 . We're all special in our own ways.

Can you maybe look for a 'local singles group' in your area? I joined one a few yrs ago,, we'd go for coffee, to movies, to parks, events, etc.  I made a few friends there.  We don;t hang out all the time, but we all know we exist 😉 .

 

[Willowgirl55]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's not automatic -don't tell yourself that -it's a choice and you learn to make a different choice - I used to be wayyyyy too chatty in my 20s/early 30s.  I had to learn - with a lot of work and effort -to be more appropriate socially. (Ironically it was my future husband who gave me this constructive criticism on new years eve 1997 I believe and I took it to heart and changed and found people liked me a lot more and more importantly respected and trusted me a lot more -overly friendly/oversharing results in people being concerned you'll also be indiscreet with their info). 

I didn't gossip but I got chatty when feeling nervous/insecure and I also overshared.  It's not nice to be overeager and it's not nice to expect someone to be your friend because you act in a nice or kind way. 

Too nice means you're self-absorbed -you're being "nice" to get approval mostly instead of from a position of confidence and just being a good person - with the benefit of approval way down on the priority list.  It's not a compliment.  It's totally doable to act more appropriately -you just have to not allow yourself to indulge in this "but it's automatic" -we all choose how to act and react in situations like that.  Certain things are knee jerk - like reacting out of fear if you're attacked, feeling chills if you hear a certain song.  What you are describing is a choice.  Make a different choice with the goal of improving your confidence and the comfort of people around you.

Ok too nice = being self absorbed. I'm even more of a horrible person than I realized. Yikes. I need serious help. 

[Willowgirl55]

6 hours ago, Lambert said:

This could be something to explore. 

Why are you doing things and not even thinking about them? 

What are you thinking about? 

You can't control yourself? (serious question) 

Part of connecting with people is picking up on queues and what's called "reading the room". 

If you're super excitable or overly friendly in your interactions it can come across as ingenious or like you're a little out of touch. 

Building a friendship like any relationship requires a connection, which is basically two people feeling they understand each other at a certain level.

If you're overly aggressive with the friendliness and projecting tons of happiness on a person that is more subdued in their interactions you're turning them off. 

They're not connecting to you. 

It's not enough to say, this is me,  how I am, I can't help it, if you want more people to connect with you. 

I always make friends easily. Some last, some don't.  I think my success comes from "meeting people where they are". I put the same level of effort as they do. I look to highlight our commonalities. I mirror their level of engagement and enthusiasm based on what is happening.

You're over friendliness may be what you think you're putting out there. but it may not be what people see it as.

 

Hmmm, read the room got it. But I AM being me. Im not trying to be anything or any certain way. When I was a kid my parents always said I have to look happy and I was never allowed to cry. I was raised to smile and say thank you and please. Nor was I allowed to wear out my welcome when I was at someone's house . 

I'm just being how I am. Guess it's not good . Not being sarcastic but I'm so confused. 

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I'm just being how I am. Guess it's not good . Not being sarcastic but I'm so confused. 

It's fine to be yourself but if you are upset with the way people respond to you, you are the one that has to change.

 

4 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I was raised to smile and say thank you and please. Nor was I allowed to wear out my welcome when I was at someone's house . 

These are social norms. What do they have to do with interpersonal relationships? Sure no one wants to be around a rude person, but that's not all it takes. 

Maybe you have this blanket approach to life and your not focused enough on the other individual. Understanding them etc.

You mentioned you have a partner. How is that relationship going?  Are you close? 

[greendots]

8 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I'm usually pretty positive and enthusiastic. I always make eye contact which alot of people don't do. I think I'm over enthusiastic and people don't like it. 

Where do you approach potential friendships? How do you approach them? Define over enthusiastic. Buying VIP tickets to you're favourite band's gig and belting out their tunes whilst dancing on the front row is one thing. Showing up at their hotel room hoping for an autograph is quite another.

In all seriousness - I remember befriending this woman who, at the time, I thought I connected with on a friendship level. Turns out that one day she wasn't so keen to hang out with me. Whilst I thought we clicked, she didn't. Nothing wrong with either of us.

After having read your other posts on this thread, I've noticed a pattern, you're quick to consider someone your friend even though they may be an acquaintance like your neighbour who you pet sat for.

[boltnrun]

I have conversations with my neighbors several times a week. I don't consider them friends and I would not be hurt if they moved out. I'd miss my neighbors across the way because I like the wife who is a nice lady but I don't expect them to remain in touch or invite me to their new home. And when I move out I presume I'll never speak to any of my current neighbors again. That's just life.

Making friends is usually more successful when you are around people who share your interests and who make equal effort to connect with you. I made a lot of friends at work. My closest friends are people I met at work years ago. None of us work together anymore but we've stayed friends because we connected personally.

If you can score a new job you will probably meet people. Don't be overly helpful and don't try to get them to be your friend right off the bat. Be friendly and cheerful and see if any of them click with you.

[mylolita]

Hey Willow!

 

Be yourself. In this life, it’s all you can do. You’ll never please everyone, and even if you could, why should you? Why sacrifice your personality, your principles, your values?

 

If you’re intense, you’re intense. If you’re shy, you’re shy. It doesn’t matter in the long run my dear! Because when someone comes along who is really gonna “get you” they will get you! And not some robotic over thought out version of how you think you should be acting.

 

My husband for example, he is terrible for straight talking. He just says it how it is, which is not how I am. I beat around the bush. He has offended people and lost friends and got into physical fights from it, especially in his younger days. He could have listened to opinions that told him to change. But when I first locked eyes on him; and we had our first conversation, it was the thing that attracted me too him the most! And I admire that quality in him, massively! I would absolutely hate him to change!

 

I’m a bit kooky, over emotional, intense, extroverted, extremely talkative, moody, an overshare. I’m a bit of a flirt as well. I’m sure I’ve rubbed up plenty the wrong way before. But I’ve got into my 30s and what - I want to become who? Someone else? Someone more reserved, tight lipped, controlled, steady!? It’s just not me. That’s someone else’s personality. 
 

Remember, each personality comes with unique faults but also unique TALENTS! I often think, if I changed myself, if I even could, my few talents or, things I adore, wouldn’t be there anymore. They wouldn’t be mine to exercise or savour.

 

Everything is a trade off. If you change, you will lose something of your old self you may miss or mourn for. I’’m not saying self betterment is not an admirable thing, it is if you are very unhappy. But sometimes we can get down and negative about ourselves, when really, there is nothing wrong. We are who we are. Warts n’ all baby!

 

Be kinder to yourself today. No one is perfect.

 

x

[Cherylyn]

In many ways, you are reminiscent of how I was years ago. 

With all due respect, I think you're too self conscious of yourself and concerned about your image.  You have a good heart which unfortunately and often times works to your detriment.  Often times, being a very good person is also overshadowed by being self conscious which is not a bad thing.  The downside to being too selfless is that realistically, your good deeds and kindness has to be unconditional otherwise you'll be sorely disappointed forever.  In an ideal world, all kindness bestowed should be reciprocal but it is not.  I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way.

Like you, I've picked up stranger's items when it was dropped on the floor at the check out line at the grocery store.  I don't think it's over compensating at all.  People get more annoyed if I were to stare at the object and them without helping.  Those are minor acts of kindness yet it is still beautiful.

Like you, my childhood was the complete opposite of idyllic.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you don't have friends.  I don't have a lot of friends.  I know a lot of acquaintances.  I only have my best friend from childhood and several adult friends but not many.  These friends are not mere social media friends.  They're in-person local friends.

If I were you, I'd join charitable organizations, MeetUps local groups in your area, meet them for walks,  join voluntary or charitable groups,  help at a food bank, join your local church if you're faith based, sports / fitness groups, enroll in a class, take a hobby / craft class and broaden your horizons.  My neighbor belongs to a book club which she enjoys. 

I'm shy, too.  I think a lot of people are.  What helps me is becoming less self conscious and whenever I converse, I don't make it about me.  I ask others a lot of questions about their life, interests, etc.  People love nothing more than to talk about themselves so let them.  Believe me, once you practice this strategy, you'll become instantly very popular!  People love great listeners.  I divert the spotlight away from me and onto others and they love it as do I.  You ought to try this new tactic.

In the past, I focused on quantity instead of quality.  It's better to have a few, high quality people in your life than a lot of people who aren't that important. 

I've been ghosted.  Sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error before you find the type of friend who is compatible to you.

I think you're trying too hard as was I.  I quit trying. 

I've noticed that people tend to gravitate towards people who don't have to try so hard to have friends.  The secret is:  You have to make yourself more interesting and intriguing to others in order for others to feel attracted to you and want to be your friend.  Be your own person.  Find yourself.  Do what you enjoy.  Succeed at your job and ascend.  Work on yourself such as focusing on your health, fitness, hobbies, intellectual pursuits and plunge into whatever requires your concentration.  People are attracted to SECURE people.  I've done all of this and have that 'draw.'  You will, too.

On the flip side, sometimes having friends can be overrated because many times, friendships require a lot of your time, energy, resources and efforts.  At times, it is fatiguing.  You have to cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships and I'm not referring to exclusive online and social media friends either.  Many local friends require gathering for various social events.  Be ready to meet for meals or coffee several times a month and if you can afford it, do it.  Sometimes it gets personal with invitations to special occasions which you'll feel obligated to attend gifts in tow.  Some friendships partake in birthday and holiday celebrations.  Some friendships are expensive to maintain.  If you decline too much, friendships drift apart and fade away easily and quickly. 

Don't expect others to do the work for you.  Remember to ask about THEIR lives and interests so you're not the lone person in the room. 

I was a nerd when I was a young girl, never had a date in my life and hopeless.  I gave up.  Therefore, I concentrated on myself, career and ascension at work.  I also took good care of myself.  Then suddenly, I became very popular without even trying to be popular.  Other people were attracted to what I was doing with my life.  It truly works.

(I'm married with two sons and live in the suburbs.)

As for neighbors, in my suburban neighborhood, while we are cordial toward one another, none of us are friends.  We've picked up our neighbor's postal mail, newspapers, fed their cats, also my neighbor's backyard turtle and the like.  Upon returning from vacation, sometimes they've given us tourist type souvenirs and a pie.  We've done the same or we take turns reciprocating each time a neighbor is on vacation or if there's a family emergency.

I've brought homemade dinners to new neighbors moving in or if they had a new baby with no expectations in return.  Just a simple wave 'hello' as we pass by suffices. 

I'm sorry about your dog passing by.  My 14 year old Golden Retriever passed away a few years ago.

Once neighbors move away, that's it.  There's nothing that ties both of you together regarding previously shared geography.  Most people are closest to their relatives, in-laws and their friends.  Generally, neighbors are not friends.  They want boundaries and prefer friends who are not in close proximity such as neighbors.  There needs to be healthy separation.

Lower your expectations.  The more you expect, the more disappointed and hurt you will feel.  The less you expect to the point of nil, the more numb you will feel just like me.  Accept human nature the way it is and you won't feel pained every single time people fall short of your expectations. 

Don't feel sad.  Get a life with all due respect.  Instead of focusing on others, focus on yourself.  Be your own person, get busy and you'll be so busy you won't have time to wallow in your self pity.  When you feel strong and self confident, you'll attract others automatically.  If it worked for me, it will work for you, too. 

 

 

 

 

 

[jul-els]

9 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

For one example:

I had a neighbor that asked me to pet sit for them. Over the years I would do this often and I didn't mind as I loved caring for all their pets. One of their cats loved being at our home and we loved him. They volunteered to watch my dog once and it went well as they adored her also. My dog passed away and they came over to say goodbye.

We always stopped and talked with them when out walking our dog as she got along well with their dog also. We were neighbors for about 8 years. 

3 months ago I heard from another neighbor they were moving far away. This made me sad. Not once did they mention it to us. 

Days before they asked me if I had seem their cat and I told them yes he was hanging out on our steps in the morning. They then told me "oh by the way we are moving in a few days ". 

I really enjoyed them and their pets. I stopped and bought some nice flowers for them to plant in their new home (they are gardeners) and bought goodbye gifts for cats and dog. We had a beer and talked at their house. 

They moved and ghosted me. No invitation to their new house , no further communication from them at all. I sent a couple texts to say hi and ask how everyone was adjusting to the new home. Id get quick responses back saying everyone is good. I miss them and their animals. It makes me sad to walk past their place and it's still empty and now overgrown with weeds as the owner hasnt kept it up (they were renters )

Oh well. 

I've reached out quite a few times and I guess I should just let it go. So it's things like this that make me sad. 

I also have a story about reuniting with a half sister that my mother gave up for adoption that had ghosted me also. 

It's my life. 

 

 

 

You can’t be the owner of other people’s actions, or lack thereof. You made the effort, they didn’t respond. You will find this often in life. People are generally self-centered beings. It’s got nothing to do with you. You can’t spend your time on people who don’t reciprocate. Not worth it. 

[Neve_Monaghan]

You sound like a very nice person who gives a lot, that is a good thing but it can also be scary for people. Giving too much of yourself or kindness right off the bat isn't always the best way to go about things. You have to ease yourself into relationships and friendships. Otherwise, it can put people off if you go in too strong. Relationships are about adapting and interests, not just giving. Kindness is a wonderful trait to have, but sometimes it can be overwhelming. That's when people take advantage of you. Asking you to do certain things that you shouldn't have to do for them. Over-investing can get you hurt most often when trying to form a relationship.

Instead of giving too much, you should try sharing. My best friend is a completely different person from me. We still are able to have a strong bond. This is because we give but most important we share. Sharing is about equally giving. You equally give support and you equally are there for each other. You both give in to things for each other. It's not just a one-sided relationship, where one person is doing all the giving. 

Relating to a person is one of the biggest things in friendship. In food, media, memories, school, or careers. You have to either it off or learn how to relate to one another. To have a relationship you have to have an interest in one another.

Banter and communication are other big things. Being able to talk to someone about just anything, and having a functioning conversation is big. We learn to adapt to each other's styles. 

Adaption is the last thing I will talk about. I've talked about it before in the note. You need to learn to adapt to different people and their ways of life. Like from the day we are born to now we have adapted (for the most part) to living with and being inside our families, we must adapt to relationships outside our predetermined circles of people we were born into. Learn to adapt to humour and learn to adapt to change. When someone enters your life, you adapt to their life too. You become a little part of one another. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

You shouldn't always be the one giving and you shouldn't have to.

[mylolita]

And by the way Willow!

 

Acts of kindness, as you will relate too, are what we feel should be normal, decent, are every day human responses, and should’ve have to be worked up for, or told they should only be reserved for friends and not strangers.

 

For example, when we first moved to our new town, I was in a self service queue and a lady in front of me dropped her crutch. Without thinking, I bent down and handed it back to her. She had such warmth and thanks in her face. It’s what everyone would have done, surely? I would hope. Now, I see her, I know her by name, and she asked me about the kids and talks too them like she’s known me 10 years. Asks about my renovations. We have in jokes about the town. I didn’t intent to start to conversation with someone but it’s been so nice.

 

Again, I kept seeing an old-ish guy in dungarees who would litter pick on the beach every morning whilst I was at the shore with the kids. I just called him over and said nice dungarees, and how long have you been doing this? Is there a group for it? The kids would love to help out. We talked for an hour. He publishes the towns magazine. He always drags himself away from our beach convos whenever I see him. He tells me he could chat all day. He’s so different to me, much older, you may think he has nothing in common with a 32 year old ex lap dancer but, I find him so interesting! Again, we share our problems and have a laugh and curse the tourists! 
 

Don’t ever stop being open, or kind. There is not enough of it in this world. If someone walks away from you with a smile on their face, that type of thing makes me walk on air for the rest of the day!

 

It‘s a lovely attribute!

 

x

[Willowgirl55]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

And by the way Willow!

 

Acts of kindness, as you will relate too, are what we feel should be normal, decent, are every day human responses, and should’ve have to be worked up for, or told they should only be reserved for friends and not strangers.

 

For example, when we first moved to our new town, I was in a self service queue and a lady in front of me dropped her crutch. Without thinking, I bent down and handed it back to her. She had such warmth and thanks in her face. It’s what everyone would have done, surely? I would hope. Now, I see her, I know her by name, and she asked me about the kids and talks too them like she’s known me 10 years. Asks about my renovations. We have in jokes about the town. I didn’t intent to start to conversation with someone but it’s been so nice.

 

Again, I kept seeing an old-ish guy in dungarees who would litter pick on the beach every morning whilst I was at the shore with the kids. I just called him over and said nice dungarees, and how long have you been doing this? Is there a group for it? The kids would love to help out. We talked for an hour. He publishes the towns magazine. He always drags himself away from our beach convos whenever I see him. He tells me he could chat all day. He’s so different to me, much older, you may think he has nothing in common with a 32 year old ex lap dancer but, I find him so interesting! Again, we share our problems and have a laugh and curse the tourists! 
 

Don’t ever stop being open, or kind. There is not enough of it in this world. If someone walks away from you with a smile on their face, that type of thing makes me walk on air for the rest of the day!

 

It‘s a lovely attribute!

 

x

Thank you ! Your words are much appreciated and I love reading your stories ! I truly enjoy helping people and making them smile. I'm not sure how this can be misconstrued as being self centered or self absorbed but I guess it's not for me to understand . I will continue being nice. 

[Willowgirl55]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

In many ways, you are reminiscent of how I was years ago. 

With all due respect, I think you're too self conscious of yourself and concerned about your image.  You have a good heart which unfortunately and often times works to your detriment.  Often times, being a very good person is also overshadowed by being self conscious which is not a bad thing.  The downside to being too selfless is that realistically, your good deeds and kindness has to be unconditional otherwise you'll be sorely disappointed forever.  In an ideal world, all kindness bestowed should be reciprocal but it is not.  I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way.

Like you, I've picked up stranger's items when it was dropped on the floor at the check out line at the grocery store.  I don't think it's over compensating at all.  People get more annoyed if I were to stare at the object and them without helping.  Those are minor acts of kindness yet it is still beautiful.

Like you, my childhood was the complete opposite of idyllic.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you don't have friends.  I don't have a lot of friends.  I know a lot of acquaintances.  I only have my best friend from childhood and several adult friends but not many.  These friends are not mere social media friends.  They're in-person local friends.

If I were you, I'd join charitable organizations, MeetUps local groups in your area, meet them for walks,  join voluntary or charitable groups,  help at a food bank, join your local church if you're faith based, sports / fitness groups, enroll in a class, take a hobby / craft class and broaden your horizons.  My neighbor belongs to a book club which she enjoys. 

I'm shy, too.  I think a lot of people are.  What helps me is becoming less self conscious and whenever I converse, I don't make it about me.  I ask others a lot of questions about their life, interests, etc.  People love nothing more than to talk about themselves so let them.  Believe me, once you practice this strategy, you'll become instantly very popular!  People love great listeners.  I divert the spotlight away from me and onto others and they love it as do I.  You ought to try this new tactic.

In the past, I focused on quantity instead of quality.  It's better to have a few, high quality people in your life than a lot of people who aren't that important. 

I've been ghosted.  Sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error before you find the type of friend who is compatible to you.

I think you're trying too hard as was I.  I quit trying. 

I've noticed that people tend to gravitate towards people who don't have to try so hard to have friends.  The secret is:  You have to make yourself more interesting and intriguing to others in order for others to feel attracted to you and want to be your friend.  Be your own person.  Find yourself.  Do what you enjoy.  Succeed at your job and ascend.  Work on yourself such as focusing on your health, fitness, hobbies, intellectual pursuits and plunge into whatever requires your concentration.  People are attracted to SECURE people.  I've done all of this and have that 'draw.'  You will, too.

On the flip side, sometimes having friends can be overrated because many times, friendships require a lot of your time, energy, resources and efforts.  At times, it is fatiguing.  You have to cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships and I'm not referring to exclusive online and social media friends either.  Many local friends require gathering for various social events.  Be ready to meet for meals or coffee several times a month and if you can afford it, do it.  Sometimes it gets personal with invitations to special occasions which you'll feel obligated to attend gifts in tow.  Some friendships partake in birthday and holiday celebrations.  Some friendships are expensive to maintain.  If you decline too much, friendships drift apart and fade away easily and quickly. 

Don't expect others to do the work for you.  Remember to ask about THEIR lives and interests so you're not the lone person in the room. 

I was a nerd when I was a young girl, never had a date in my life and hopeless.  I gave up.  Therefore, I concentrated on myself, career and ascension at work.  I also took good care of myself.  Then suddenly, I became very popular without even trying to be popular.  Other people were attracted to what I was doing with my life.  It truly works.

(I'm married with two sons and live in the suburbs.)

As for neighbors, in my suburban neighborhood, while we are cordial toward one another, none of us are friends.  We've picked up our neighbor's postal mail, newspapers, fed their cats, also my neighbor's backyard turtle and the like.  Upon returning from vacation, sometimes they've given us tourist type souvenirs and a pie.  We've done the same or we take turns reciprocating each time a neighbor is on vacation or if there's a family emergency.

I've brought homemade dinners to new neighbors moving in or if they had a new baby with no expectations in return.  Just a simple wave 'hello' as we pass by suffices. 

I'm sorry about your dog passing by.  My 14 year old Golden Retriever passed away a few years ago.

Once neighbors move away, that's it.  There's nothing that ties both of you together regarding previously shared geography.  Most people are closest to their relatives, in-laws and their friends.  Generally, neighbors are not friends.  They want boundaries and prefer friends who are not in close proximity such as neighbors.  There needs to be healthy separation.

Lower your expectations.  The more you expect, the more disappointed and hurt you will feel.  The less you expect to the point of nil, the more numb you will feel just like me.  Accept human nature the way it is and you won't feel pained every single time people fall short of your expectations. 

Don't feel sad.  Get a life with all due respect.  Instead of focusing on others, focus on yourself.  Be your own person, get busy and you'll be so busy you won't have time to wallow in your self pity.  When you feel strong and self confident, you'll attract others automatically.  If it worked for me, it will work for you, too. 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh my gosh I can't thank you enough. Your neighbor point helps A LOT. Yup..I do expect too much and I have NO self esteem. You are right people can sense that and prefer to be around others who are secure with themselves. Very well said . This helps GREATLY ! 😚😚😚

[catfeeder]

It's hard to reconcile being naturally 'yourself' with '...don't be too nice,' so I'll take a crack at what that can mean.

People may not want to expend the energy to keep up with an 'always ON' personality. 

For instance, people may admire and adore a senior nun, pastor or elder in a church for their selfless dedication, but they don't necessarily want to party with them. 

This is NOT a diagnosis of YOU, but rather, a consideration of what 'too nice' can mean to those who view themselves as mediocre in either investment or behaviors.

So this is where toning down the volume on eagerness can gain you a more peaceful 'in' with others.

Instead of performing for people, you help to relax them.

In order to do this, your energy needs to be relaxed--not frenetic or eager.

I can only speak for myself. Some years ago I was exhausted by work demands as a project manager. I tried a tactic of 'observation' rather than believing that I must be the driver to solve all problems.

My observation mode allowed me much lower key interactions with others, and I enjoyed this so much, and performance immediately increased, and I felt do refreshed that I adopted this mode of behavior for another day...then another.

I never went back.

Changing my own energy to one of relaxation, and mentally inviting others to engage with me on THAT level changed everything toward success in my interactions.

Plus, every friend I've attracted since then has been equally invested in me, and far more stable and grounded and dedicated than my earlier friends.

Consider that allowing an ingrained tendency to 'perform' may conflict with an invitation to relax.

People pleasers make others uncomfortable because nobody wants to live UP to the implied expectations. 

Head high, and write more if it helps. (We are all on your side.)
 

[boltnrun]

You don't have to stop "being yourself" (and you shouldn't). But that doesn't mean you can't adjust your actions and your expectations of others.

Of course being kind and considerate is a good thing! But if you don't see reciprocation from someone when you've extended yourself toward them, that's a sign to dial it back. Don't double or triple message if you don't get a response. Don't repeatedly buy gifts for people who have never reciprocated. 

Those who connect with you will be happy to respond in kind. And they'll appreciate your thoughtfulness and will be thoughtful in return. Those who don't? They can be taken off your mental list.

[Willowgirl55]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

It's hard to reconcile being naturally 'yourself' with '...don't be too nice,' so I'll take a crack at what that can mean.

People may not want to expend the energy to keep up with an 'always ON' personality. 

For instance, people may admire and adore a senior nun, pastor or elder in a church for their selfless dedication, but they don't necessarily want to party with them. 

This is NOT a diagnosis of YOU, but rather, a consideration of what 'too nice' can mean to those who view themselves as mediocre in either investment or behaviors.

So this is where toning down the volume on eagerness can gain you a more peaceful 'in' with others.

Instead of performing for people, you help to relax them.

In order to do this, your energy needs to be relaxed--not frenetic or eager.

I can only speak for myself. Some years ago I was exhausted by work demands as a project manager. I tried a tactic of 'observation' rather than believing that I must be the driver to solve all problems.

My observation mode allowed me much lower key interactions with others, and I enjoyed this so much, and performance immediately increased, and I felt do refreshed that I adopted this mode of behavior for another day...then another.

I never went back.

Changing my own energy to one of relaxation, and mentally inviting others to engage with me on THAT level changed everything toward success in my interactions.

Plus, every friend I've attracted since then has been equally invested in me, and far more stable and grounded and dedicated than my earlier friends.

Consider that allowing an ingrained tendency to 'perform' may conflict with an invitation to relax.

People pleasers make others uncomfortable because nobody wants to live UP to the implied expectations. 

Head high, and write more if it helps. (We are all on your side.)
 

Thank you so very much!!!

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Oh my gosh I can't thank you enough. Your neighbor point helps A LOT. Yup..I do expect too much and I have NO self esteem. You are right people can sense that and prefer to be around others who are secure with themselves. Very well said . This helps GREATLY ! 😚😚😚

Thank you for your kind words, Willowgirl55.

Always follow other people's cues.   Practice and make it a habit.  If they lack enthusiasm, then don't act over zealous.  If they're willing to be nice, then be nice.  Copy them.  This way, you won't feel disappointed because rapport is fair.  Make sure the dynamic is balanced so you won't feel as if you're giving more of yourself while they just take and don't reciprocate with equal kindness.  If you have to engage at this level with a lot of people, then so be it.  One of these days, you will discover people who are compatible to your personality and character.  Until then, shop around.  It's better to experiment as I've described as opposed to trying so hard to be well liked which is unnatural.  You'll only end up becoming sorely disappointed and hurt if others won't give you the type of behavior you prefer.  Lower your expectations and you'll feel more numb and less sensitive. 

Don't take other people's indifference personally.  They're not rejecting you even though you feel as if it's truly a rejection and it hurts your dignity.  I'm sorry. 

People are an indifferent lot.  In some ways, I'm one of them.  I don't care to be friends with just anybody.  I and other people do not love nor hate others.  It's an "I don't care to get to know you" sentiment but it's definitely NOT personal.  We simply go about our own way and prefer to mind our own business. 

Some people consider their lives full and complete.  They don't care to know extra people and they're fine with whoever is in their life already whether it's their family, relatives, in-laws, established, settled friends or they prefer to be alone.  It's their choice. 

You don't know everyone's story.  Some people are not in the mood to make new friends or socialize.  Perhaps they have their own troubles and prefer to feel lonely in their thoughts or be alone in their thoughts which has nothing to do with you even though you've tried to be friendly towards them.  Many unhappy people are not in the mood for a friend or friends.  This is human nature.  Some people have insurmountable problems which causes some introverted tendencies.  Or, they're embarrassed for some reason and don't wish to share their life with anyone such as a friend or friends.   Many people are not willing to share their story.  It's nothing personal against you.

Once upon a time,  I was reminiscent of you.  Live and learn.

😚😚😚

[Willowgirl55]

18 hours ago, Lambert said:

It's fine to be yourself but if you are upset with the way people respond to you, you are the one that has to change.

 

These are social norms. What do they have to do with interpersonal relationships? Sure no one wants to be around a rude person, but that's not all it takes. 

Maybe you have this blanket approach to life and your not focused enough on the other individual. Understanding them etc.

You mentioned you have a partner. How is that relationship going?  Are you close? 

Yes. We are close. He occasionally has to remind me that when I feel disappointed in people, sometimes people are people and they don't want to be friends and that I should let it go. 

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yes. We are close. He occasionally has to remind me that when I feel disappointed in people, sometimes people are people and they don't want to be friends and that I should let it go. 

Good for you to have a close relationship and supportive guy. And he's right... its ok for people to not want to be a friend. Sometimes we just have to get real with ourselves.

I mentioned before that I make and keep friends easily.  And while that is true, there are people who don't like me. And some people I don't like. 

My own sister doesn't like me.  You can search my posts about that. 

I've ended friendships that weren't working for me.  And I've had friends distance themselves from me.

Sometimes not trying so hard, not letting what others do bother you, or just deciding I'm good enough for ME, has to be enough. 

Sure your feelings might be hurt and it's a disappointment but you have other things in your life.

[Willowgirl55]

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

Good for you to have a close relationship and supportive guy. And he's right... its ok for people to not want to be a friend. Sometimes we just have to get real with ourselves.

I mentioned before that I make and keep friends easily.  And while that is true, there are people who don't like me. And some people I don't like. 

My own sister doesn't like me.  You can search my posts about that. 

I've ended friendships that weren't working for me.  And I've had friends distance themselves from me.

Sometimes not trying so hard, not letting what others do bother you, or just deciding I'm good enough for ME, has to be enough. 

Sure your feelings might be hurt and it's a disappointment but you have other things in your life.

Right, and I do have to focus on those other things. Yeah my half sister doesn't like me either. I'm too much of a people pleaser for her . 

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Right, and I do have to focus on those other things. Yeah my half sister doesn't like me either. I'm too much of a people pleaser for her . 

I don't know what my sister's deal is. It really doesn't matter.  Practice rejecting what others say or judge about you.  know yourself better. The good and the bad... let your opinion of yourself be what matters to you.