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Not EVERYONE is your friend. How many times have your been told this.


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Yup...I'm too friendly . I smile at strangers and if someone drops something in a check out line, I pick it up for them. That's just how I am. I don't even think about it at the time, its involuntary. I over compensate and people get annoyed. 

I had a nightmarish childhood and I know a lot stems from that.

Funny thing is I have no friends. And I tragically make the same mistake over and over with people. I get ghosted A LOT and then I get so sad . Then I have to be reminded that not EVERYONE is my friend. 

Does anyone else have this problem? 

I don't know how to make friends because people don't know what to think of me. 

What's really odd is...I'm also quite shy. I don't like to be the center of attention or put on the spot . I avoid large social gatherings because I'm the odd girl out. No one talks to me and I just stand there looking stupid while everyone is chatting away. 

What is wrong with me??????

(Currently seeking out counseling but I'm having NO luck whatsoever as everyone is booked to the max) 

 

Thanks ! 

 

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3 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I smile at strangers and if someone drops something in a check out line, I pick it up for them. That's just how I am. I don't even think about it at the time, its involuntary. I over compensate and people get annoyed. 

My heart goes out to you. I do this stuff too, and I enjoy it. I don't view it as overcompensation, just kindness.

So the question becomes, if you don't have any friends, then who, exactly, is getting annoyed with you for your extended kindness?

Could it be one person who is isolating you, maybe making you believe that your kindness is unwelcome by others?

If you believe that you're making mistakes in forming friendships, what do you believe those mistakes to be?

I saw your post about taking on caregiving, and I admire you. I would love to see you find some good friendships that can offer you the kindness and goodwill that you enjoy extending to others. Can you be more specific about what you believe might be your barriers to that?

Head high.

 

Edited by catfeeder
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4 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

What is wrong with me??????

 

I dont think something is wrong with you. From what you wrote you are introverted. That doesnt make it a great condition to make friends. To make friends you have to be willing to go out there, meet people, talk to them, go to their socials, organize your own socials etc. Its a process. And not a lot of introverted people can do that. That is why most of them dont have a lot of friends.

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From your description of yourself, you sound like a genuinely kind person. There’s nothing wrong with that. There should be more people like that, but it’s rare. You also sound like you’re somewhat introverted and shy. Nothing wrong with that either. Find people who share your interests, passions. They’re out there, you just have to make the effort to find and connect with them. But if you don’t want to, that’s ok too. There is no wrong choice, just knowing what you want and following your desires. 

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4 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yup...I'm too friendly . I smile at strangers and if someone drops something in a check out line, I pick it up for them. That's just how I am. I don't even think about it at the time, its involuntary. I over compensate and people get annoyed. 

I had a nightmarish childhood and I know a lot stems from that.

Eh? You're simply being nice. It's a good quality to have. 🙂 Truth is, you're not going to connect or click with everyone you meet (instantly or at all). Making genuine long lasting friendships happens gradually. For example, you attend a class and say hi. Next time you ask them something about that class and so on.

Sharing similar interests / lifestyles helps you connect more easily. The more you put yourself in situations (classes, volunteering, etc.) where you have to interact with others, the more chances of meeting potential friends. Quality over quantity any time. Oh and being positive, a high energy vibe attracts like minded people.

What is your approach when trying to befriend someone?

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you are a normal person i think majority have gone through this including me, as time and experiences happen during school, college and profession, these reservations and the sense of being alone in crowd just fade away, it takes time, each take their own time. Some needs help, all of these is normal. When we start comparing ourselves with people around who literally are the centre of attraction at most places or may be at ease of mingling around with people we start thinking hell i have got huge problems. Just let it all go, have you tried taking up some hobbies/activities or joining some volunteering group? Say yes to new things sometimes these can really surprise you about yourself.

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6 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yup...I'm too friendly . I smile at strangers and if someone drops something in a check out line, I pick it up for them. 

Maybe it's semantics but you seem to use "friends" or "friendly" interchangeably for polite, sociable, acquaintance, and friends.

What it sounds like is your lonely and withdrawn. It also seems like you know your partner is not a good match and you're unhappy with that whole situation.

At 55, your childhood can't really be blamed or folded into an entire lifetime of your own choices. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. First rule out physical causes for the withdrawal, inertia, anxiety and despair.

Even claiming you can't get a therapist is the type of helplessness that often accompanies depression, anxiety and a host of other possible medical problems.

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Maybe you’re applying too much value to acts of kindness to strangers? While they are other humans they are not friends or even acquaintances they are random strangers. The tactic of throwing out kindness and wearing it on your sleeve hoping it will stick doesn’t work . 
 

Look for friends who you share interests with. What interests you? 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe it's semantics but you seem to use "friends" or "friendly" interchangeably for polite, sociable, acquaintance, and friends.

What it sounds like is your lonely and withdrawn. It also seems like you know your partner is not a good match and you're unhappy with that whole situation.

At 55, your childhood can't really be blamed or folded into an entire lifetime of your own choices. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. First rule out physical causes for the withdrawal, inertia, anxiety and despair.

Even claiming you can't get a therapist is the type of helplessness that often accompanies depression, anxiety and a host of other possible medical problems.

Try booking a therapist apt as a new client these days and you will see. Withdrawn hardly. Lonely yes. Please refrain from commenting further on my posts thanks. 

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2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe you’re applying too much value to acts of kindness to strangers? While they are other humans they are not friends or even acquaintances they are random strangers. The tactic of throwing out kindness and wearing it on your sleeve hoping it will stick doesn’t work . 
 

Look for friends who you share interests with. What interests you? 

I don't purposely throw out kindness. I don't even think about it it just happens . Right maybe I'm placing too much value on kindness. Hmmm . 

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1 minute ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I don't purposely throw out kindness. I don't even think about it it just happens . Right maybe I'm placing too much value on kindness. Hmmm . 

I too am polite and kind and so random acts for strangers come naturally. That isn’t wrong ; however placing too much importance on these situations is an issue. 

Edited by Seraphim
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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, greendots said:

Eh? You're simply being nice. It's a good quality to have. 🙂 Truth is, you're not going to connect or click with everyone you meet (instantly or at all). Making genuine long lasting friendships happens gradually. For example, you attend a class and say hi. Next time you ask them something about that class and so on.

Sharing similar interests / lifestyles helps you connect more easily. The more you put yourself in situations (classes, volunteering, etc.) where you have to interact with others, the more chances of meeting potential friends. Quality over quantity any time. Oh and being positive, a high energy vibe attracts like minded people.

What is your approach when trying to befriend someone?

I'm usually pretty positive and enthusiastic. I always make eye contact which alot of people don't do. I think I'm over enthusiastic and people don't like it. 

Edited by Willowgirl55
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10 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yup...I'm too friendly . I smile at strangers and if someone drops something in a check out line, I pick it up for them. That's just how I am. I don't even think about it at the time, its involuntary. I over compensate and people get annoyed. 

I had a nightmarish childhood and I know a lot stems from that.

Funny thing is I have no friends. And I tragically make the same mistake over and over with people. I get ghosted A LOT and then I get so sad . Then I have to be reminded that not EVERYONE is my friend. 

Does anyone else have this problem? 

I don't know how to make friends because people don't know what to think of me. 

What's really odd is...I'm also quite shy. I don't like to be the center of attention or put on the spot . I avoid large social gatherings because I'm the odd girl out. No one talks to me and I just stand there looking stupid while everyone is chatting away. 

What is wrong with me??????

(Currently seeking out counseling but I'm having NO luck whatsoever as everyone is booked to the max) 

 

Thanks ! 

 

I don't see this as being a friend - it's friendly, thoughtful, compassionate, and kind.  It also can be part of a friendship.  But being a good human being because you expect close friendship in return doesn't make sense -be a good human being because that's who you are and wish to be.  It's fine if it makes you feel good too but expecting friendship in return or specific actions reciprocally -that's a recipe for disaster.

I for example stopped spending time helping fellow parents on my mom groups on facebooks who need referrals to professionals, advice about work situations or work transitions, referrals to people who might be a good fit for jobs, dating, travel.  I do love connecting people.  For many decades now -I am almost 56. 

But I found many of the women either didn't respond after I spent the time finding the right name or community or resource and/or were too demanding/high maintenance. Some didn't say thank you.

So now my boundaries are - I ask myself -how much time will it take and will the person I am referring -who I do know - benefit or will I benefit as far as future networking with the person I am referring.

I mean -duh -not everyone is a good fit for friendship especially close friendship -why would anyone think that friendships are easy to find? But not from a cynical view -just common sense!  But doing good deeds/being a good human -while part of friendship on both ends- doesn't mean it will draw people to you for a close friendship. And not because that person is a good person -there simply might not be enough in common.  

Friendships are hard to find, and even maintain.  I think they're worth it and I am sorry you are struggling this way.

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Why do you choose to act in a too friendly way? Are you good at reading a room or situation as far as how to make people feel comfortable around you? Do you think others see you as fake or forced when you choose to act or react like this?

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10 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

What is wrong with me??????

I don't think anything is wrong with you. But your boundaries (and the signals you put forth) might be a little "off" due to your traumatic childhood. I'm sure this is something you can resolve once you finally get into therapy. 

You already have an inkling of what some of your off-putting behaviors might be:

10 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I always make eye contact which alot of people don't do. I think I'm over enthusiastic and people don't like it.

People are very sensitive to nonverbal cues, believe it or not.

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21 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Try booking a therapist apt as a new client these days and you will see. Please refrain from commenting further on my posts thanks. 

No need for hostility.  Hardly consistent with your claim of being "too friendly". My suggestion was actually to see a physician. 

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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. I do this stuff too, and I enjoy it. I don't view it as overcompensation, just kindness.

So the question becomes, if you don't have any friends, then who, exactly, is getting annoyed with you for your extended kindness?

Could it be one person who is isolating you, maybe making you believe that your kindness is unwelcome by others?

If you believe that you're making mistakes in forming friendships, what do you believe those mistakes to be?

I saw your post about taking on caregiving, and I admire you. I would love to see you find some good friendships that can offer you the kindness and goodwill that you enjoy extending to others. Can you be more specific about what you believe might be your barriers to that?

Head high.

 

For one example:

I had a neighbor that asked me to pet sit for them. Over the years I would do this often and I didn't mind as I loved caring for all their pets. One of their cats loved being at our home and we loved him. They volunteered to watch my dog once and it went well as they adored her also. My dog passed away and they came over to say goodbye.

We always stopped and talked with them when out walking our dog as she got along well with their dog also. We were neighbors for about 8 years. 

3 months ago I heard from another neighbor they were moving far away. This made me sad. Not once did they mention it to us. 

Days before they asked me if I had seem their cat and I told them yes he was hanging out on our steps in the morning. They then told me "oh by the way we are moving in a few days ". 

I really enjoyed them and their pets. I stopped and bought some nice flowers for them to plant in their new home (they are gardeners) and bought goodbye gifts for cats and dog. We had a beer and talked at their house. 

They moved and ghosted me. No invitation to their new house , no further communication from them at all. I sent a couple texts to say hi and ask how everyone was adjusting to the new home. Id get quick responses back saying everyone is good. I miss them and their animals. It makes me sad to walk past their place and it's still empty and now overgrown with weeds as the owner hasnt kept it up (they were renters )

Oh well. 

I've reached out quite a few times and I guess I should just let it go. So it's things like this that make me sad. 

I also have a story about reuniting with a half sister that my mother gave up for adoption that had ghosted me also. 

It's my life. 

 

 

 

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8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I have been called “ intense” whatever that means . I have been told it is “ off putting. “ I guess people don’t like passionate. 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t mind though . I just want a few good friends . 

Ditto!!!!!

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Spawn said:

you are a normal person i think majority have gone through this including me, as time and experiences happen during school, college and profession, these reservations and the sense of being alone in crowd just fade away, it takes time, each take their own time. Some needs help, all of these is normal. When we start comparing ourselves with people around who literally are the centre of attraction at most places or may be at ease of mingling around with people we start thinking hell i have got huge problems. Just let it all go, have you tried taking up some hobbies/activities or joining some volunteering group? Say yes to new things sometimes these can really surprise you about yourself.

Yes, I partake in kayaking groups with my partner and volunteering for clean ups in the neighborhood. He also volunteers as a maskot so that gets me out to meet people also. 

Edited by Willowgirl55
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2 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

For one example:

I had a neighbor that asked me to pet sit for them. Over the years I would do this often and I didn't mind as I loved caring for all their pets. One of their cats loved being at our home and we loved him. They volunteered to watch my dog once and it went well as they adored her also. My dog passed away and they came over to say goodbye.

We always stopped and talked with them when out walking our dog as she got along well with their dog also. We were neighbors for about 8 years. 

3 months ago I heard from another neighbor they were moving far away. This made me sad. Not once did they mention it to us. 

Days before they asked me if I had seem their cat and I told them yes he was hanging out on our steps in the morning. They then told me "oh by the way we are moving in a few days ". 

I really enjoyed them and their pets. I stopped and bought some nice flowers for them to plant in their new home (they are gardeners) and bought goodbye gifts for cats and dog. We had a beer and talked at their house. 

They moved and ghosted me. No invitation to their new house , no further communication from them at all. I sent a couple texts to say hi and ask how everyone was adjusting to the new home. Id get quick responses back saying everyone is good. I miss them and their animals. It makes me sad to walk past their place and it's still empty and now overgrown with weeds as the owner hasnt kept it up (they were renters )

Oh well. 

I've reached out quite a few times and I guess I should just let it go. So it's things like this that make me sad. 

I also have a story about reuniting with a half sister that my mother gave up for adoption that had ghosted me also. 

It's my life. 

 

 

 

I don't really understand this.  It doesn't sound like you two were close friends.  It sounds like you had a common interest/bond over your pets and you bartered pet sitting services.  Sure it would have been nice for them to tell you they were moving away but why? Once they weren't in close proximity were you going to drive there to pet sit or expect them to come to you to do the same? The common interest was over.  It was an acquaintanceship.  

It was neighborly of you to give them gifts and say goodbye- were you really expecting them to keep up the acquaintanceship and invite you to their new home? (I wouldn't have gone to those lengths with the gifts by the way but totally fine you chose to).  

14 years ago my across the hall neighbor was a woman probably in her late 60s.  One day when I was very pregnant, exhausted and stressed about getting to work on time she appeared and asked for my help with something.  She wasn't ill. Not an emergency -I was abrupt -I was stressed.  I said I couldn't -I had to get to work.  From my memory, the next time I saw her I apologized profusely and she was gracious and accepted my apology.  I think I reached out to see if I could help in some other way. 

My son was born -a newborn -she bought or made him a lovely little baby blanket. She loved to see him when I took him to the elevator.  So so sweet of her. I think she appreciated how after that abrupt exchange I apologized and tried hard to be a good neighbor.  

We moved two months later.  I think I told her we were, I think I said goodbye - but you know what I don't know.  Want to know why? Because our interactions were based on proximity and how we could help each other and her graciousness and thoughtfulness with the baby gift.  It never would have occurred to me to try and stay in touch or to even imply that.  Neither did she.

I think you need to examine more closely why you have these expectations.

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Also what do you mean by ghosting? If I am friends with someone and we text and chat regularly for months or we get together regularly for lunch and then there's radio silence then yes, ghosting. I don't think your former neighbors ghosted you.  I was ghosted by a few friends and a close friend and it hurts.  But I also examined my role and decided in those cases I'd done nothing wrong and they were the rude/thoughtless ones.  Other times I'm more aware that I might have been off putting or my stage in life might not have been compatible with theirs anymore.

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26 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

They moved and ghosted me. No invitation to their new house , no further communication from them at all. I sent a couple texts to say hi and ask how everyone was adjusting to the new home. Id get quick responses back saying everyone is good.

That is "overinvesting", not "ghosting". Ghosting would be if they moved and never told you where, or just not answering your messages. You being overinvested into somebody who doesnt want to hang out and is basically an aquitance, is not ghosting.

You need to stop "overinvesting" into friendships like that. Meaning to try over people who tomorrow wont say "Hi" in the street. If they want to hang out and organize something, good. If not, good ridance. You have a good heart so you probably take this kind of stuff very hard. But you need to learn not to. If somebody doesnt want to hang out with you, their loss. There is always somebody who will.

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