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Confused about a prospective relationship with (still married) coworker


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I posted here before, months ago. I was complaining I couldn't find a woman to my liking. Well, that changed in an unexpected way.

I met her at my workplace. She came in two years ago, and all I knew about her was that she was nice and talkative. Almost a year ago, she got transferred to our department, and she works in an office just two doors from mine. At the time, I would just notice her on the hallways or in the copier room but I wouldn't engage her. I didn't think she was especially pretty, but I've always thought she had a lot of taste (hairdo, dresses). Now I'm catching myself thinking she looks like my dream girl.

In February, I had a really rough patch at work. One project was ending, and the deadline was mercilessly breathing down one my neck. There were uncompleted tasks, team members were tired and stressed out and we were short staffed. She isn't in my team, but she knew about our work. So, I meet her by the coffee machine, asks me out of the blue how things are going (it was the first time we talked to each other), and I tell her. She replies that she admires people who can stay in control amidst so much chaos.

Since then, we kept meeting occasionally and we'd always have good conversations. At some point, I started telling her jokes. I thought I've exhausted all my jokes with the women I tried to court unsuccessfully before. I knew she was married, and I thought it was so cool that I can be friends with a woman without all that relationship thing ever coming up.

Then April 14-th came. It was a cold day. She came in from somewhere, her face red from cold, and there were a few strands of sweaty hair sticking to her face. I don't know how to describe that moment, but I felt like falling down inside myself. Since then, I often space out thinking of her.

I kept talking to her at work, until she started inviting me to get togethers with other colleagues. I usually avoid those, because I often get bored with the conversations. But, it was nice, especially because she was around. Then, one day, she brings her five-year-old to work and asks me to watch him for a little while. The kid was very nice and babysitting didn't feel like work. It should be mentioned that other colleagues and friends of hers have watched the kid before, so I didn't think anything of it.

As time went on, our conversations got deeper, but we always danced around the subject of relationships and marriage. But she is not shy to bring sex and relationships up when she talks to other colleagues. On one occasion she let it slip that her husband won't sleep with her anymore and on another that he was very jealous. I've seen her husband twice since I know her. He seemed like a normal guy. But over the last few months, I understood from other colleagues and her that they separated. I'm not sure about it, and I have not asked her directly.

Then, sometimes in June, she asked me to play ping pong with her after work. We've been playing ever since and I enjoy it. Two weeks ago she asked me to go shopping with her. She bought a large TV and I brought it to her apartment. It was not my first visit, but it was the first time we were alone. She asked me to stay and fixed some drinks. We talked and talked, and had she not been married, I would have jumped her then and there. That happened the other Friday. On Monday she was distant. She seemed bothered by something, because she kept sighing. On Tuesday she had a phone call and she locked herself in her office, but I heard her screaming into the phone. Later, we went out for a late lunch with one of our common friends in the office. She seemed distraught, so I tried to calm her down, telling her jokes and stories. She didn't say much, but at some point she whispered something like "if I don't end up in bed with you by tonight". I asked her what she meant, and she told me she didn't say anything at all.

But that disturbed me greatly and since then I've been toying with the idea of asking her out on a real date, complete with wine, candles and dinner, which, if she were single, I would have done already.

 

Sorry for writing so much about the situation, but I need some outside insight. I need to know if I should pursue her, or not.

 

 

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1 minute ago, pudgeface said:

But she is not shy to bring sex and relationships up when she talks to other colleagues. On one occasion she let it slip that her husband won't sleep with her anymore and on another that he was very jealous.

She did not let it slip.  She intended to overshare at work.  If she's already comfy talking about sex and relationships she's a person who plays loosey goosey with professional boundaries.  She's not interested in dating you and anyway married people cannot date.  She likes the flattery of knowing you want to jump her and she likes playing at being a couple -this way she can try on for size what it might be like when she is formally divorced -and when she is she won't pick you.  Because she'll know you followed her around like a panting puppy dog and happy to get involved with a married woman.

Also do you really want to date someone so indiscreet?  Do you want to be the topic of her conversation with your coworkers after you "jump her" after you spend $$$ pretending to take her on a proper date?

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14 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

one day, she brings her five-year-old to work and asks me to watch him for a little while. I've seen her husband twice since I know her. Two weeks ago she asked me to go shopping with her. She bought a large TV and I brought it to her apartment.

Unfortunately, this is the no-fly zone She's married. It doesn't matter if it's unhappily or not. Not anyone's business. Don't get used a flunky running errands and babysitting. Run from this woman. Date Single available women Outside of work.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I feel like at this point, whatever I do, it will be wrong. If I distance myself from her, I will probably feel like I missed a huge opportunity. I've been single for a very long time, and trying to date outside work didn't produce any kind of results.

On the other hand, if I go out with her, there are two additional people I didn't think about at all. I have a bad feeling about continuing on this path.

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7 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

I feel like at this point, whatever I do, it will be wrong. If I distance myself from her, I will probably feel like I missed a huge opportunity. I've been single for a very long time, and trying to date outside work didn't produce any kind of results.

On the other hand, if I go out with her, there are two additional people I didn't think about at all. I have a bad feeling about continuing on this path.

What opportunity -to have an affair with an indiscreet married woman? To have sex with a married woman who has a jealous husband who will then know where you work? 

It's not about "producing results" -what have you tried? What do you do every week to proactively meet people including potential women who are single to date? When I dated for over two decades I was proactive about it and in my 30s treated it like a part time job quite often. I was out there doing activities, going to events, being set up on dates and setting people up on dates, doing volunteer work and meeting people in person -over 100 of them -through dating websites.  What about you?

You don't hook up with a married woman who is also a mom of a young child because you're weary of putting in the effort to meet single, available women and you've been single "a long time".  

Also are you cool with potentially being a stepdad? Will you also feel like you have to monitor her phone and computer since she happily shares her sex life at work?

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38 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

Two weeks ago she asked me to go shopping with her. She bought a large TV and I brought it to her apartment. It was not my first visit, but it was the first time we were alone. She asked me to stay and fixed some drinks. We talked and talked, and had she not been married, I would have jumped her then and there.

 

38 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

On Monday she was distant. She seemed bothered by something, because she kept sighing.

Dude, do you really need translation for this?

She wanted sex and was dissapointed you didnt jumped her. 

Also, unless you want just sex there, there is nothing to pursue. She is married!

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2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

Dude, do you really need translation for this?

She wanted sex and was dissapointed you didnt jumped her. 

Also, unless you want just sex there, there is nothing to pursue. She is married!

I don't know what she wanted. I'm a man of numbers. I don't like to act without proof. Plus, I don't want just sex. I want something I've never had, which is a good long term relationship.

I'm just too confused at this moment and overwhelmed. I might go tomorrow evening and ask her straight about what she wants from me.

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't hook up with a married woman who is also a mom of a young child because you're weary of putting in the effort to meet single, available women and you've been single "a long time".  

I didn't hook up just yet. I don't know what to do.

But I like the player perspective. Dating 100+ women, and then lecturing 1 guy who wants to date 1 woman. I'm starting to wonder how many of those women I asked out at one point or another were treating me like a creep because they had a smooth talker who knew just what to say and when, with that experience from his 100+ other women.

Anyway, that's just me being bitter. I have no idea if I want to be a step dad, and I don't think I want to break that other guy marriage. But, whatever I do, 6 months are gone, and probably another 6 with me wallowing in self-pity after I take your advice. Then, I'll be back again, wiser, and even older.

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6 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

I don't know what she wanted. I'm a man of numbers. I don't like to act without proof. Plus, I don't want just sex. I want something I've never had, which is a good long term relationship.

I'm just too confused at this moment and overwhelmed. I might go tomorrow evening and ask her straight about what she wants from me.

Do you need her to open her legs and invite you in? So you could pick up very clear signal that she wanted sex?

Why do you think she invited you in a first place?

She wants sex. If its not something you want, stay clear of her. There is no "perspective" for anything else there. She just wants affair outside of marriage, you dont want that mess, trust me.

Also, please dont ask her what she wants. You have to be able to pick up signals like that and act or dont on it. You never ask, its considered very rookie move. 

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9 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

I didn't hook up just yet.

An unhappily married plain woman may be easy pickings, if that's all you want. However in your 40s you could probably do ok on dating sites and in real life. 

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38 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

If I distance myself from her, I will probably feel like I missed a huge opportunity.

Opportunity for what? She is married. 

1 hour ago, pudgeface said:

I've been toying with the idea of asking her out on a real date, complete with wine, candles and dinner

She can't go on a date with you. She is married. 

OP, you need to give your head a shake. And then do it again. Unless and until she is free and clear of her marriage, this isn't going to end well for you. 

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

An unhappily married plain woman may be easy pickings, if that's all you want. However in your 40s you could probably do ok on dating sites and in real life. 

If you said that to me 5 months ago, I'd have just nodded in agreement. The problem is that she doesn't look plain to me at all now. Maybe I should take a week off and hide somewhere in the mountains before I do anything further.

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2 minutes ago, pudgeface said:

 Maybe I should take a week off and hide somewhere in the mountains before I do anything further.

You don't have to hide in the mountains to stop the nonsense fantasies at work. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why are you entertaining this?

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to hide in the mountains to stop the nonsense fantasies at work. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why are you entertaining this?

How should I know? I thought I had everything figured out.

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So she lives separate from her husband now? She's stressed out because you are making things stressful for her. She is still legally tied to her husband, has a child, and has you giving her attention. All this has an emotional strain on her. She has an affair, her husband finds out, it could be terrible for that child getting in the middle of this. Kool your jets. Put the idea aside for now. You can tell her you would like to pursue something with her but you know it's bad timing and will let her have some space to figure things out.

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How are you going to take her out on a "date"?  Is the child supposed to come along?  And how would you "jump her" (terrible terminology, BTW) with her child present?

Very bad for the child to be present and able to hear his or her mother getting "jumped" by some man who isn't Daddy.  And is the child supposed to keep you a secret from their father?

In a divorce action (should it come to that), if where you live has "fault" she could be sued for adultery.  That could impact her ability to be awarded custody of her child.

In summary, this is not just about you being frantic to find some woman to be involved with.  There are others who would be impacted.

I would like to discourage you from pursuing this.

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Way too many red flags!

YOU need to keep yourself under control.

- As others have mentioned, she is a 'talker' at work- you are surely to be on of those convo's eventually.

- She is married- but separated. With a 5 yr old.

- And, this is your workplace!

To me, it sounds like you're just all caught up in her drama.  She's using you to try & feel better and if you were to end up in bed with her and continue down this path, you will end up hurt- as you'd most likely be a rebound 😕 .

Someone who's married and having their marriage on the verge of break down is needy .. and moody.  Believe me, you do not want to be in the middle of all that!

She is far from mentally & emotionally available or stable

So, is it maybe time to give some distance and keep convo's to a minimum.  Keep it together and not give in to your 'fantasy' about this woman.

Think with the right head now 😉 .  You don't need any of this.

Look elsewhere and seek out a woman who's not a co-worker heading for divorce.

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The thing is you can't win in this situation. Separated people should be off the table. They are in the throws of who knows what.  Separated is not divorced. 

Separated people have a lot of emotions that are difficult to deal with.  They are scared of what they are losing and afraid of the future.  They don't mean to use people but they do. 

A single person is open and can become lopsided-ly attached to them. Seeing what they want to see.  Then crushed when the separated person's emotional fog lifts.

Its no offense to separated people. There are exceptions to the rule, but be wiser than your emotions. You can't miss out on what you're meant for but you delay it by making bad choices.

You can find another woman to pursue. It's not dependent on what's happened with women in the past.  It is dependent on finding a woman that is looking for the same things as you,  with you and with the ability to work towards those things.  And most importantly having the self confidence to know & holding out for what you deserve.

That's what you should be spending your thoughts and time on- how to become more confident and loving of yourself. 

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4 hours ago, pudgeface said:

I don't know what she wanted. I'm a man of numbers. I don't like to act without proof. Plus, I don't want just sex. I want something I've never had, which is a good long term relationship.

I'm just too confused at this moment and overwhelmed. I might go tomorrow evening and ask her straight about what she wants from me.

Then this is not a match. You have a crush on her and that’s it.

If you’ve been running a narrative or story in your head that she’s your “dream woman” and playing into a fantasy romance, then yes, it’ll take some undoing to break that habit or way of thinking. In reference to what you seem to need or want, she is not that person. Deal with here and now but please don’t get ahead of yourself. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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6 hours ago, pudgeface said:

I feel like at this point, whatever I do, it will be wrong. If I distance myself from her, I will probably feel like I missed a huge opportunity. I've been single for a very long time, and trying to date outside work didn't produce any kind of results.

On the other hand, if I go out with her, there are two additional people I didn't think about at all. I have a bad feeling about continuing on this path.

So why not turn this into the ego boost you may have needed to push yourself toward dating again?

Consider yourself as facing the same difficult odds as the rest of us--and do some reading to LEARN HOW to use dating apps to your advantage, screen out bad matches, set up quick meets, and learn all the other skills needed to find a good match and develop a happy relationship.

This experience can help you to raise your standards. You can take pride in thinking this through and realizing what you do--and do NOT--want for yourself going forward.

Nobody says you need to be nasty to this woman. Lift one another UP at work, knowing that you have a special attraction, and take that inspiration out into the world knowing that you ARE attractive enough to aim high.

If you opt to mess around with this woman instead, it doesn't make you horrible, it just means that you'll need to contend with consequences. Continue to explore those and figure out whether they are worth it to you. If so, then you'll cross those bridges.

Edited by catfeeder
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