She is going away for the summer do we need a talk?

[jazz_lover]

I've been dating this woman for a few months.  I have tried to keep things pretty casual. We see each other once a week and usually I go to hers or she goes to mine and we will talk, have sex, order some takeaway, sleep over and enjoy a nice lie in together. I always knew she would be going away for the summer as she is a teacher and goes back to her country for the whole summer. And from the beginning she was very sexual with a lot of sexting. So I figured we had a mutual understanding we were just having fun together. 

But she makes no secret of the fact she likes me. She says it a lot. Also often says she misses me/wishes I was with her etc. She also says I look super handsome and perfect especially in a blue shirt. And she also gets a bit jealous. We went to the park on one of our early dates and made out. So whenever I mention I am going to the park she asks who I am going with or asks if it is a date. And we went to a Lebanese restaurant and she could see I was enjoying the music and I mentioned I liked belly dancing. She said she would love to dance for me but later started thinking and asking how I developed a taste for the music and when she kept asking eventually I said I used to know some people from the Middle East and she got upset and said she didn't like feeling she came second and wished I had less experience. Also sometimes I try to indicate that we aren't exclusive for example she was in Paris and said she witnessed the perfect French kiss and I said well maybe it is a good opportunity to practice and learn and she said she only wants to kiss English guys with blue shirts (i.e. me) and when she went to Luxembourg she said the city was full of men and I said "what happens in luxembourg stays in luxembourg". 

Also the last few times we met up she was keen to do proper dates suggesting an outdoor theatre and another time the zoo at night whereas previous dates I just came over to hers fairly late and we drank, had sex and ordered takeaway.   

We haven't really talked that much about the summer but last time we met and I stayed over at hers she said she likes me so much and will really miss me. She also made a few references to activities when we are back prefacing it by saying at the end "if we see each other again". And said I could visit her in the summer or we could go on a city break. 

I do not really know how I feel about her.  She is very sweet and very nice and we get along pretty well sharing a similar sense of humour and we have good chemistry and are very affectionate with each other. But maybe she is a bit too obvious and I guess I like a bit of uncertainty and mystery and maybe also I always considered it as a casual thing. She hasn't brought up exclusivity or talked about where it is going or anything like that. But I do not think she is seeing anyone else and she seems to like me a lot. I intend to keep dating other women over the summer. I do not know what her plans are. But I do not like the idea of her saving herself for me all summer as by the end of the summer I might have found someone I like better or I might lose interest over the summer not seeing her regularly and I am worried with her absence will make the heart even fonder. So I feel I should say something to her but do not want to upset her. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I always knew she would be going away for the summer as she is a teacher and goes back to her country for the whole summer. I like her company but don't think I really have strong feelings and am still dating other women.

There's really do dilemma here. When she goes home you both are free to do whatever you wish. There's no need to worry about a LDR. Stay in touch if you wish, but she is free to do whatever she wants.

[jazz_lover]

Yeah my understanding is that as we haven't discussed exclusivity and it is obvious we cannot see each other over the summer then it is to be assumed we can see other people and do whatever we want. But I do not know whether I need to spell it out. She seems a little naive and she seems to like me a lot and has indicated she feels jealous about other women (even if they are in my distant past) and indicated she isn't seeing anyone else. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, jazz_lover said:

She seems a little naive and indicated she isn't seeing anyone else. 

She's a big girl so she can do whatever she wants. For all you know she has a BF or interested men back home. Don't assume anything.. Be honest if you are seeing others now. Don't string her along or be deceitful about not being exclusive now or then.

[Batya33]

If you are having sex with her and you plan on dating others and perhaps having sex with others -or she might - then maybe have a talk since it's also a health thing - I mean you could wait till she returns, and then wait till you/she get tested etc but maybe better to sort of set the stage now - "I hope you have a great summer and I look forward to seeing you when you return - I know we've been having a great time and we probably both should just see where we are when you get back as far as whether we want to keep dating - I don't want either of us held back from meeting others."

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I do not really know how I feel about her.

I wouldn't bother spending too much energy wondering about her in that case. You find her a little too aggressive perhaps or forward and described her jealous comments. Let it fade out and go your ways respectfully when she leaves. You're basically keeping her around for sex or comfort. Her personality tanks.

[smackie9]

It's casual meaning you are free to date others. 

[Andrina]

There are red flags about her jealousy. It's none of her business to ask if you're going on a date when you mention you're going to the park since you're not exclusive.

But the fact she asked means she knows you're not exclusive, but also knows it's too early to go to that level. If she asks while you're away or when she gets back if you dated anyone, I'd say: Until a couple becomes exclusive, a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy is the better way to handle things.

I don't think things bode too well for this being longterm. She's obviously more into you. You seem lukewarm. And the unreasonable jealousy issue should be a dealbreaker.

[poorlittlefish]

18 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I've been dating this woman for a few months.  I have tried to keep things pretty casual. 

But she makes no secret of the fact she likes me. She says it a lot. Also often says she misses me/wishes I was with her etc. 

Also sometimes I try to indicate that we aren't exclusive for example she was in Paris and said she witnessed the perfect French kiss and I said well maybe it is a good opportunity to practice and learn and she said she only wants to kiss English guys with blue shirts (i.e. me) and when she went to Luxembourg she said the city was full of men and I said "what happens in luxembourg stays in luxembourg". 

Also the last few times we met up she was keen to do proper dates suggesting an outdoor theatre and another time the zoo at night whereas previous dates I just came over to hers fairly late and we drank, had sex and ordered takeaway.   

She hasn't brought up exclusivity or talked about where it is going or anything like that. But I do not think she is seeing anyone else and she seems to like me a lot. I intend to keep dating other women over the summer. 

Poor girl.  You want to keep things casual, but she has developed feelings for you.  She wants to go on proper dates and have a normal relationship where both parties care for each other.  You just want someone for sex and takeaways.  Maybe she just assumes that you are in an exclusive relationship, given that you've been dating for several months.  

I think it's time to stop "trying" to keep things casual or "indicating" you aren't exclusive and actually TELL her, in a nice way.  You two are obviously on very different pages and she is completely oblivious that you don't feel the same about her that she does about you.  If you make her aware that you are seeing/sleeping with other women and have no plans to stop while she's away, that will likely be enough for her to break things off anyway.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 we cannot see each other over the summer.

Sounds like this will fizzle out naturally over the summer from a mutual lack of interest.

[waffle]

On 7/8/2022 at 9:12 AM, jazz_lover said:

Also the last few times we met up she was keen to do proper dates suggesting an outdoor theatre and another time the zoo at night whereas previous dates I just came over to hers fairly late and we drank, had sex and ordered takeaway.   

It seems she mistakenly thinks you enjoy her company outside of the bedroom.  If this is unacceptable to you, that was the perfect opportunity to set her straight.  Dropping hints trying to push her into the arms of other men isn't working.  Time to be direct and let her know you are only interested in sex with her and nothing else.

[catfeeder]

If she has said or done something that is problematic for you, address it.

If she has not, then there's nothing to address.

[jazz_lover]

Don't get me wrong I do like her. And actually I am finding myself missing her a bit. Maybe I just feel a bit of pressure because she is very open about her feelings whereas usually people keep their cards closer to their chest in the early stages. And also it has been a bit confusing seeing her transition things from hooking up to dating and then disappearing for the summer. She suggested we could do a city break over the summer or I could visit her. But that feels a little risky so feels easier to see if we can pick things up where we left off when she is back. 

I am a little reassured by your comments. It does appear as if she knows the score.  

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

because she is very open about her feelings whereas usually people keep their cards closer to their chest in the early stages

But you've been very comfortable open with sharing your body in these early stages and -despite birth control - risking starting a pregnancy with her.  But you won't risk seeing her while she is away. You and she assess risks differently.

She's comfortable being open with her feelings in much the same way. I do think people who seek mostly a sexual arrangement tend not to be as open with expressing their feelings but that's likely because they don't have emotional feelings for the person they are having sex with - so you probably find it easier since to you this is mostly a sexual arrangement. 

To her it might not be so to her this physical intimacy has motivated her to also be open with her feelings.  I don't think she is transitioning anything -that's too complicated -she simply is reacting to the physical intimacy differently than you are.

[SooSad33]

So you have been dating only a 'few months' .. and sounds like she has taken a real liking to you.

Yes, talk to her!  She needs to know your idea's now. So, she can work on accepting all of this. ( that you two are not exclusive).

Sounds like she's possibly somewhat emotionally invested in you now? Ohh dear 😕 .. So, for you it was basically a fwb?  For sure, she needs to realize this.

I suggest no 'meet ups' thru summer.  You both knew she was doing this.  Let her go do it.

 

[jazz_lover]

I think I’m warming to the idea of dating her. She started off very sexual and we had a lot of chemistry and she was the one sexting me and inviting me over to hers at 8.30 at night. So I went with it especially as I knew she was disappearing for the summer. But over the last month she’s talking to me a lot more normally telling me about what’s going on with her life and she’s suggested proper dates with the theatre and zoo night. And I did actually have a good time with her. We also have a lot of inside jokes and make each other laugh. And I think I missed not seeing her this weekend. 

My issue with meeting up with her over the summer is it feels like pressure. We’ve only been on a few proper dates and spending a weekend or more together in a foreign country with no escape might be a bit too much. On the other hand if we do have a great time together then maybe this could develop into something more than just casual dating. 

But she’s only gone for a month or two so should be easy enough to pick things up where we left off and as she is only there for the summer her priority is probably spending time with friends and family rather than dating so she should still be available end of the summer. She has already asked what I’d like as a souvenir so I think she’s intending to see me when she’s back. 
 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Please don't do this - if you have to warm up to the idea of properly dating a person you are having intercourse with for this long it's a nonstarter.  Also she will get your vibe that you're perfectly fine and feel hot enough having intercourse with her -no hesitation on your end, right? - but ooohhhh when it comes to taking her on a proper date wow you're just now warming up to the idea. And if it feels like pressure to see her over the summer that's your answer. 

My future husband and I used to travel hundreds of miles to see each other when we were dating long distance and we'd be so excited to be together again and not just for sexual reasons.

Keep it to your sexual arrangement and the summer apart will be positive for her -she'll get a fresh perspective away from you and perhaps to be open to someone who wouldn't hesitate to -and actually would be super enthusiastic to -take her out on a proper date.  Don't do her any favors except the favor of stepping aside.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

My issue with meeting up with her over the summer is it feels like pressure. she’s only gone for a month or two so should be easy enough to pick things up where we left off

Agree. Give each other a break, stay in touch, date others and play it by ear when she returns. Keep in mind 2 mos. is a long time and she'll be around plenty of local men so a lot could happen.

[jazz_lover]

We've been texting a bit since she left. She sent me some photos and videos of a Greek wedding she went to over the weekend that she's told me about a few times before she left. She also sent me a few photos of cafes/bars in her hometown and told me a funny story she heard on a night out with her cousin and his gf. Basically a girl they knew was doing some tidying and found a list her boyfriend's previous sexual partners with comments besides them rating their performance. I joked he should have used an excel spreadsheet. And we joked a little about it. She said she had her own categories such as first love, guys who made no impact on her life, bad choices, and father of her child. I asked which was the longest list she said guys who made no impact on her life. And she then asked about my weekend and I said I went to the beach and she said she would love to be on a secluded beach kissing me and lying next to me in the sand and got carried away with that. 

But yesterday I texted her Kalinihta and she asked me to tell her honestly in how many different languages I learnt to say goodnight to say to girls. I said just a few. She said "How many and which ones?". Then she said in Greek (I needed to use google translate) I wish you were 10 years younger because I have a hard time hearing about all these Middle Eastern girls. I said there werent that many and they are all in the past. She said maybe I need an excel spreadsheet (referring to the funny story she told me Sunday night). She then asked how long I could wait until I could kiss her again. I said not very long which I think she misinterpreted 

She then said she strangely seemed to be very popular in her own country (presumably referring to the dating app) and asked how online dating was going. I sidestepped saying "Well I met a lovely Greek girl but then she went on holiday to Greece" and she said she was finding it hard to trust me but she really wanted to. She then mentioned she went to a cafe yesterday playing jazz that made her think of me and we talked about that and then she got back on topic saying she liked how i didn't want to tell her about my online dating and asked if I met anyone as nice as her. I said she is the nicest girl I have met in a long time (which is true) and she said do you like nice girls or do you prefer bad choices. I said of course nice girls so long as they aren't boring.. She said she wished she could lie next to me right now which might stop her overthinking. I asked what she is overthinking about and she said "I am thinking about you dating in London and going to parks. I am thinking how much you mean what you say. I am thinking how my holiday is so long. And 100 other things!". I said she should try to enjoy her holiday and not think so much. 

I don't know how well I handled it. She seems to understand I am dating other girls and hasn't demanded exclusivity but has also indicated she is feeling jealous and insecure about it. I guess maybe she just wants to be open about how she feels and get everything off her chest rather than bottling everything up.  And I am sure she will get busy with friends/family/trips and that will distract her mind. But I cannot help feeling a bit sorry for her. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

  She seems to understand I am dating other girls and hasn't demanded exclusivity 

Don't "feel sorry for" her. She's having a great time in greece going to parties, weddings etc. 

Keep in mind that you may be misinterpreting her not wanting exclusively. It seems more like she wants her freedom and therefore doesn't care if you date around.

You seem a bit too wrapped up in the texting and messaging for the type of casual dating this is. Scale back on that. 

[Rose Mosse]

She’s very open which may not be something you’re used to if you’ve picked evasive women in the past who have played you. 

I think she was wanting for you to mention exclusivity when she asked about your online dating. 

[smackie9]

 Do you want to be exclusive with her? 

[jazz_lover]

Well not this summer when we are hundreds of miles away. 

We kind of had a talk about it last night.  She said "Guess who texted me that he is in London?". I correctly guessed that it was this Spanish guy she met in Luxembourg a month ago when she went on a weekend break with a girlfriend.  She mentioned he had just bought a house in Tenerife and shortly afterwards asked how I would feel if she went to Tenerife. I said she can go on holiday wherever she wants. She asked "With whoever I want?" and I said "Sure". And at the time she said she liked how cool I am. But then a week later said she texted the guy to say she wouldn't be visiting him there. She hasn't mentioned him since until last night. So I said "Seems you made quite an impression on him!". She said "Do you feel jealous?". I was like "Not really" and she got upset and said if I cared about her I would feel jealous and she didn't realize I was this cool. I said that she is a pretty girl so obviously going to have lots of men interested in her but she likes me so why would I worry about other guys? But I would rather not hear about them. She said "OK so I should go on dates without telling you? Or since you are so cool maybe I should ask you for advice on what to wear?". Then she said she tells me because she wants to be honest and open with me and not tell lies. So I said "It is a long summer and it is possible we will meet other people so how about we only tell each other if we meet someone we like more". She seemed to like that and said "Ok it is a deal". She then started talking about holidays asking where I planned to travel next. I said I didn't know and asked the question back to her. She said she wanted to go to Turkey with her mother but her mother wasnt keen because Turkish people don't like Greeks. She then said we should go to Turkey together and you can protect me because they don't like me! I said I wasn't sure about my summer plans yet but will let her know. Next morning she sent me a photo of her mani/pedi saying she chose blue because it reminds her of me (I have blue eyes) and said she thinks about me all the time. 

So I think we have a partial understanding but she still seems very keen and I am not sure and feel a bit pressured. I think also I am cynical and cautious whereas she is letting herself get swept away with initial infatuation. Oh she also said last night "I am 30 and you are the nicest man I have ever met I feel so calm and happy when I am with you and I really fancy you". 

I discussed this with a friend and we both agree it is too obvious and too much and who says such things! I mean it is flattering and nice to be appreciated but not sure what to make of it. We do not know each other that well and I think the focus should be getting to know each other better and assessing compatibility. 

 

[reinventmyself]

Casual relationships run their course.  Relationships, whether it's your neighbor, coworker or someone you date, evolve and grow.  It's close to impossible to keep them status quo and keep them from maturing.

Most people become attached.  I am not sure why you are trying to find fault with her having developed feelings for you at this point.

This is your moment.  You need to get on board or let her go.  Or . . .wait until she grows tired of waiting and finds someone who is available to reciprocate what she has to offer.  I get the sense you do like her.  You don't want to lose her, but you'd like to keep things on your terms.

You refer to this as initial infatuation?  . yet you've been dating and sleeping with her for months. I would consider her feelings very normal . .  and yes, yours cynical.

Or simply  .  .you're just not into her.   

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Well not this summer when we are hundreds of miles away. 

We kind of had a talk about it last night.  She said "Guess who texted me that he is in London?". I correctly guessed that it was this Spanish guy she met in Luxembourg a month ago when she went on a weekend break with a girlfriend.  She mentioned he had just bought a house in Tenerife and shortly afterwards asked how I would feel if she went to Tenerife. I said she can go on holiday wherever she wants. She asked "With whoever I want?" and I said "Sure". And at the time she said she liked how cool I am. But then a week later said she texted the guy to say she wouldn't be visiting him there. She hasn't mentioned him since until last night. So I said "Seems you made quite an impression on him!". She said "Do you feel jealous?". I was like "Not really" and she got upset and said if I cared about her I would feel jealous and she didn't realize I was this cool. I said that she is a pretty girl so obviously going to have lots of men interested in her but she likes me so why would I worry about other guys? But I would rather not hear about them. She said "OK so I should go on dates without telling you? Or since you are so cool maybe I should ask you for advice on what to wear?". Then she said she tells me because she wants to be honest and open with me and not tell lies. So I said "It is a long summer and it is possible we will meet other people so how about we only tell each other if we meet someone we like more". She seemed to like that and said "Ok it is a deal". She then started talking about holidays asking where I planned to travel next. I said I didn't know and asked the question back to her. She said she wanted to go to Turkey with her mother but her mother wasnt keen because Turkish people don't like Greeks. She then said we should go to Turkey together and you can protect me because they don't like me! I said I wasn't sure about my summer plans yet but will let her know. Next morning she sent me a photo of her mani/pedi saying she chose blue because it reminds her of me (I have blue eyes) and said she thinks about me all the time. 

So I think we have a partial understanding but she still seems very keen and I am not sure and feel a bit pressured. I think also I am cynical and cautious whereas she is letting herself get swept away with initial infatuation. Oh she also said last night "I am 30 and you are the nicest man I have ever met I feel so calm and happy when I am with you and I really fancy you". 

I discussed this with a friend and we both agree it is too obvious and too much and who says such things! I mean it is flattering and nice to be appreciated but not sure what to make of it. We do not know each other that well and I think the focus should be getting to know each other better and assessing compatibility. 

 

She's looking for a type of man that you're not, unfortunately. Someone who "protects" her while traveling and acts a bit more jealous when she talks about other men.  The only issue is that you didn't have time to develop any real feelings for her because she's way over the top and moving too fast, coming on way too strong. 

If this was a man there'd be red flags waving around this guy and everyone would be all over that. Move on already because this isn't working out. You are not the person she wants or is looking for and she's trying to play it cool around you. She fails horribly because she's not the woman you're looking for either. 

It would be a serious turn off hearing someone talk the way she talks and I wouldn't stick around for it. Romance takes time to build, same with trust and rapport. More flirting and less desperation and neediness oozing out the sides as if she's fishing for a compliment and affirmation at every conversation.