Booty call or something more

[Angel_325]

Hi all, looking for some advice from folks that have had experience with this. I met a guy about a month-and-a-half ago and we started dating. We met online. He is several years younger than myself but we seem to enjoy each other's company. Recently, our relationship went to a more physical level. I generally take a little bit of time before I get to that level because I don't do casual hookup type of relationships but we seem to be hitting off and he said he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment as he's a one girl at a time type of guy. I did tell him before we got physical that once it gets to that point I do want exclusivity at least as far as seeing other people. He agreed though he didn't want to be labeled as being in a relationship at that point. However, that was before we got physical.

What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm just a casual fling to him or a booty call or if he's actually developing feelings for me. He hasn't opened up much to me nor has he talked about me to his friends or anyone else, this much he admitted, and when I asked him if this is just a casual type of thing, he responded that it could be just a booty call or it could be that he's trying to get to know me more. This sounded vague and not like an answer.  We do go on dates so it's not all physical but it ends up being physical. He usually spends the night and likes to cuddle for quite a while afterwards. He also tends to stare into my eyes a lot. Now I know these things may not mean much to some men as some men like to cuddie even with casual flings, but I'm kind of starting to fall for this guy and I don't want to get hurt. I feel like he might like me but I'm not sure because he doesn't actually say it but he's also not the type that opens up and is somewhat reserved and is extremely private. 

[Batya33]

He is being very clear he wants nothing serious with you right now.  You just are trying to read into signs and tell yourself he is being "vague" - a man who wants to be with you will make it simple and direct without nonsense about "labels" - please. 

And a woman who knows what she wants won't settle for sex scraps with someone who makes these sorts of excuses and deflects with the "oh well I only have sex with one girl at a time".  He might want something serious with you later on if you stop seeing him now and show him that you cannot continue to see him since you're not on the same page.  By having sex with him still he won't value or respect you -he'll know you're settling for scraps or he'll figure you're cool with casual.  

He might be developing feelings for you but it doesn't mean he sees serious potential. He doesn't -he told you by the way he responded.  A man who wants you will want you to know that directly and clearly so you're not snapped up by someone else.

He knows how to contact you in the future if he realizes he wants to be with you and date you with serious intentions for the future.  

Edited June 27 by Batya33

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, Angel_325 said:

What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm just a casual fling to him or a booty call or if he's actually developing feelings for me.

As an adult, that's entirely up to you to decide.  Having said that you're better off knowing where you stand, rather than rolling the dice which if you're honest with yourself you'll have your answer.   Having booty calls will not seal the deal.

In short, if doesn't want your heart he doesn't deserve your body.  Don't neglect your self-respect.

 

[Angel_325]

Thank you for your advice for those who have responded. I too have had thoughts along this line. What confuses me is that even though he said that I might or might not be just a casual fling or booty call, a few seconds after saying that he told me that no I wasn't a casual fling or booty call and that he does really like me. But I don't know if he said that to mask what he said earlier as I tend to view the first response as the most honest one. He has been opening up to me a bit more than he previously had. He also spent a lot of time with me after the sex and even wanted to go grocery shopping with me. He puts his head on my lap and holds my hand. These are all very confusing to me. 

Edited June 28 by Angel_325

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

when I asked him if this is just a casual type of thing, he responded that it could be just a booty call or it could be that he's trying to get to know me more. This sounded vague and not like an answer.

Yes, that's exactly what it was.

4 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

I'm kind of starting to fall for this guy and I don't want to get hurt.

Unfortunately, I think there's no avoiding it at this point. Sorry.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

Thank you for your advice for those who have responded. I too have had thoughts along this line. What confuses me is that even though he said that I might or might not be just a casual fling or booty call, a few seconds after saying that he told me that no I wasn't a casual fling or booty call and that he does really like me. 

No decent guy who is interested in a woman would EVER say something like the bolded.  Heck.  A decent guy would not say that to someone he definitely views as a booty call.  He'd just be straight up about where things stand.  

Seriously, this guy is a loser.  Lose him.  

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

I did tell him before we got physical that once it gets to that point I do want exclusivity at least as far as seeing other people. He agreed though he didn't want to be labeled as being in a relationship at that point.

He's telling you right here than even if you're sleeping together, don't expect a relationship. 

4 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

he said that I might or might not be just a casual fling or booty call

Yuck. I wouldn't date a guy who said something like this to begin with, but it's also his round-about way of telling you that this is indeed just a fling. 

Sorry, OP. I woudn't hold my breath on this one. 

[SooSad33]

About a month and half ago? So about 6 weeks - maybe?

No, he does not have feelings. And yes, is usually the woman to have feelings first.

He has not mentioned you to anyone.. another sign.

Not sure IF you've ever had a fwb?  I did at one point years ago for a little less than 6 months.  I gave up after I realized it was me doing all the driving.  And thankfully I never got feelings.. so I went on my way still okay.

IF you're already getting feelings, I'd suggest you back off now.  Many do get hurt because of this.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

 he's also not the type that opens up and is somewhat reserved and is extremely private. 

 How much younger is he? Does he live with his parents?

What do you mean by "extremely private"?

Does he always stay at your place?

It sounds like you are dating exclusively and that's fine for 6 weeks dating.

If you would like to get to know each other better have some dates that don't end up at your place.

Start socializing more. 

Edited June 28 by Wiseman2

[Angel_325]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How much younger is he? Does he live with his parents?

What do you mean by "extremely private"?

Does he always stay at your place?

It sounds like you are dating exclusively and that's fine for 6 weeks dating.

If you would like to get to know each other better have some dates that don't end up at your place.

Start socializing more. 

He is 9 years younger. He does live with his parents. We do go on dates. We only got intimate after 7 dates.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

He is 9 years younger. He does live with his parents. 

Ok he's too young to date if he lives with his parents. 

The issue is not whether it's booty call or not. The issue is having a guy sleep over your place who then goes home to his mommy.

Consider it a fling. Girls his age may not have their own place to make sex as convenient and available.

[Angel_325]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok he's too young to date if he lives with his parents. 

The issue is not whether it's booty call or not. The issue is having a guy sleep over your place who then goes home to his mommy.

Consider it a fling. Girls his age may not have their own place to make sex as convenient and available.

He is 31. I am 40. But that is a good perspective. Even if he does have feelings for me, the point that you make is very valid

Edited June 28 by Angel_325

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

He is 31. I am 40.

Why is he living with his parents at 30?😱 Is he unemployed?  Have you been to his place? Met his parents or are you a secret?

Don't be a mother figure to him or provide sleepovers so he can feel like an adult. (But not conduct his life as one)

You're completely mismatched. If the sex is good, great, but this mismatch will have an expiration date.

[Angel_325]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is he living with his parents at 30?😱 Is he unemployed?  Have you been to his place? Met his parents or are you a secret?

 

I don't know why he lives with his parents. He has a job and I think based on what he told me the job pays decently. He's only been with his company for a couple of months so maybe he's trying to save up but even so, I'm sure he can afford his own place, even if it's a small studio or in law unit. He doesn't plan to move out in the near future as far as I understand. I have not met his parents nor do I foresee doing so in the near future. He hasn't talked about me to his friends other than to say to his brother that he's dating someone. He says he generally doesn't talk about his private life with his friends or family and I actually believe that is true. He said it takes him at least a couple of months before he tells his friends.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

 He says he generally doesn't talk about his private life with his friends or family.

Stop hosting him or letting him use your place as a free BnB. He's keeping you a secret. Don't you find that imbalanced and disrespectful?

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

What confuses me is that even though he said that I might or might not be just a casual fling or booty call, a few seconds after saying that he told me that no I wasn't a casual fling or booty call and that he does really like me. But I don't know if he said that to mask what he said earlier as I tend to view the first response as the most honest one.

But even the honest one wasn't anything intentional - he hasn't said he has serious intentions just that he also enjoys hanging out with you in addition to the sex and at some vague point he might not see this as a casual fling but perhaps someone he can properly date in addition to having sex with.  And of course to him relationships are just a label. 

Can you imagine him meeting your friends or family and beaming at you saying "yes I told her right away that even though part of me felt like she was just someone to hook up with I also knew she wasn't just someone to have sex with - so now you know what a special person I thought she was from the beginning."  Really???

Edited June 28 by Batya33

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

I don't know why he lives with his parents. He has a job and I think based on what he told me the job pays decently. He's only been with his company for a couple of months so maybe he's trying to save up but even so, I'm sure he can afford his own place, even if it's a small studio or in law unit. He doesn't plan to move out in the near future as far as I understand. I have not met his parents nor do I foresee doing so in the near future. He hasn't talked about me to his friends other than to say to his brother that he's dating someone. He says he generally doesn't talk about his private life with his friends or family and I actually believe that is true. He said it takes him at least a couple of months before he tells his friends.

Yes - many wait a few months because their friends and family assume it's wayyyy more serious.  But that's for when he has serious intentions -then he tells his partner and then waits a bit before telling lots of people. But why would he tell anyone about someone he's meeting up with to hang out and hook up with -at most he doesn't see you as a casual fling.  He never said what he does see you as.  Right? So there's nothing to tell anyone "mom, dad I'm having sex with this woman I met -I like hanging out with her too.  I don't think she's just a casual fling so I might keep dating her for awhile."  

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok he's too young to date if he lives with his parents. 

The issue is not whether it's booty call or not. The issue is having a guy sleep over your place who then goes home to his mommy.

Consider it a fling. Girls his age may not have their own place to make sex as convenient and available.

I lived with my parents till I was 28. I started dating at 14.  Was engaged in my 20s as well.  Many people date seriously while living with their parents. My friend married in the late 80s and lived with her parents till the wedding day.  So did my niece who married around 7 years ago.  And these days many adults move back in with parents or care for aging parents.  I lived with my parents until I finished grad school.

This person is 31.  He's not too young to date or get serious if he wishes to.  But he's shown no intention yet of seeing anything serious with the OP an in fact is warning her not to get attached with his nonsense about labels and "you're not just a casual fling".  Ick.

Edited June 28 by Batya33

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He's telling you right here than even if you're sleeping together, don't expect a relationship. 

Yuck. I wouldn't date a guy who said something like this to begin with, but it's also his round-about way of telling you that this is indeed just a fling. 

Sorry, OP. I woudn't hold my breath on this one. 

I agree. I don't think he's acting like a jerk or loser -he's telling you up front that he feels as you do - he's willing to be sexually monogamous likely for health reasons.  Seven dates before having sex is to me a short time especially since you seem to think it means something more than sex -you think it means more of an emotional commitment. He does not see it that way with you.  Also it's tricky when sex is conditioned on commitment (not just monogamy for health reasons). 

In my serious relationships except one -in which I made a mistake -we agreed to be serious and exclusive before we had sex -often months before.  We were in love with serious potential for marriage when we had sex. I made a mistake once conditioning commitment on sex.  We had sex after two months. He never fell in love with me and ended things after 5 months.  I regret that I made that decision.  

I am 55 -I dated hundreds of men and had intercourse with very few, was sexual with not that many at all.  I started dating my future husband when I turned 39 (so was he). 

We'd dated in the past and been serious in the past.  We waited about 2-3 months before having sex even though we were exclusive from the first date.  Partly health reasons -testing, etc but also because we wanted to make sure that we were truly in this for the long haul before having sex.  We were very romantic, physical, sexual before that.  But we were exclusively committed and had no issues at all telling each other that.  It's about a two sentence conversation that we had.  No hesitation. Lots of joy.  Do you really want this tawdry conversation you had with your guy to be how you started off??

Edited June 28 by Batya33

[smackie9]

Any relationship is a gamble...he could honestly have feelings for you, be committed and the relationship can end a month later for whatever reason. I say just go with the flow, see where it takes you. No matter what anyone can get hurt, just part of life. 

Edited June 28 by smackie9

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Any relationship is a gamble...he could honestly have feelings for you, be committed and the relationship can end a month later for whatever reason. I say just go with the flow, see where it takes you. No matter what anyone can get hurt, just part of life. 

This situation is far more of a gamble and one I would not take IMO.  Not all situations are created equal as far as risks, especially emotional risks.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. I don't think he's acting like a jerk or loser -he's telling you up front that he feels as you do - he's willing to be sexually monogamous likely for health reasons. 

I can't help but think that telling a woman who is blatantly pressing for "more" that she "may or may not be a booty call" is over the top jerk behavior.  

Way to keep her on the hook.  

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I can't help but think that telling a woman who is blatantly pressing for "more" that she "may or may not be a booty call" is over the top jerk behavior.  

Way to keep her on the hook.  

It's certainly blunt but she also chose a situation where she had sex asked questions later - all they talked about before was potentially sexual monogamy and she decided to have sex after a fairly short amount of time.  Maybe he was surprised by her questioning after.

[waffle]

18 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

. . . he didn't want to be labeled as being in a relationship at that point. However, that was before we got physical.

Were you hoping that having sex with him would change his feelings?  

[Angel_325]

2 hours ago, waffle said:

Were you hoping that having sex with him would change his feelings?  

To be honest, before we had sex he told me that he liked me and at one point after a few dates when I told him I wasn't sure where this was going he actually seemed a bit distraught and told me that he wanted to continue seeing me. However, he also told me that to him sex is an important part of learning about somebody and sexual compatibility is important to him before any relationship. For him sex is not an expression of feelings necessarily as he had had casual hookups. I have not. I could understand that point and so I decided to be a little bit more flexible because I liked this guy and frankly, wanted to get out of my comfort zone. It usually takes me longer than just 7 dates to be intimate with somebody. I wasn't sure if I would get more attached. I did. I don't think it was because of the sex though. I think it's because of the cuddling afterwards and the fact that he kept being very physical with me. So it was more than just a sex that made me feel something.