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Booty call or something more


Angel_325
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It is all bootay. Treat this like a fwb. If you have feelings or can’t do it stop seeing him. He’s not good for anything else and I agree with a previous comment you’re mismatched. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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3 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

However, he also told me that to him sex is an important part of learning about somebody and sexual compatibility is important to him before any relationship.

Right -he wanted to take you for a test drive. [Edited to add - I just read that Wiseman also used test drive! I wrote my post before I read his post. I agree with what he wrote]

Sexual compatibility is important to everyone with rare exception. Unless someone has particular fetishes or is very picky about positions/types of sex then knowing you enjoy kissing someone and that you have strong chemistry and desire each other sexually doesn't require intercourse for "compatibility" - it's one of those excuses people who want to have sex early on make. 

The ones who are not making an excuse are those who have very strong preferences when it comes to the act and/or fetishes.  I met men like that on and off through online dating - and knew not to meet them in person.  I don't buy the whole "I have to see if we're good in bed first" -because to me sexual compatibility might not be there with someone you just met or someone you're not yet in love with or committed to -or a bad first time or "meh" experience is the death knell - but for a committed in love couple if the first few times aren't great but there is chemistry, they're willing to work on "compatibility." 

Compatibility can take time but the couple who knows they have chemistry and desire and enjoy kissing and being romantic and affectionate have little risk that they won't have good sex.  The risk is high for people who have fetishes/specific preferences but often they express that up front to be on the same page - I always appreciated hearing that up front so that I could let that person find a person who was comfortable having sex early on and doing the "test drive" approach.

Edited by Batya33
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Everyone talks like he's 20...the man is 31. I'm sure he has the ability to want a relationship and fall in love. Is it not better to take your time and not rush into things? That's what "dating" is for...to see how compatible you are and if you fit into each other's lives...but IMO it does take time to get to know one another. I say give it a total of 3 months, and if there isn't any real progress then just end it. 

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I think it’s strange he still lives with his parents. I come from an ultra conservative background and it’s expected for children to live with parents well into adulthood but 30+ is pushing it. If he’s got a good reason that’s one thing or in transition and it is temporary. It’s understandable depending on circumstances. Even so, it begs the question why you don’t know more about his background and why he’s so vague or wishy washy. The situation as a whole is one that seems disrespectful to you or he lacks the general awareness or emotional engagement/intelligence to connect with you on a deeper level.

While you could give it more time, OP, this doesn’t sound enjoyable already and you’re here on a forum anonymously asking strangers to help you determine the intentions of some guy who hasn’t had the courtesy to be brutally upfront with you. That speaks volumes.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Everyone talks like he's 20...the man is 31. I'm sure he has the ability to want a relationship and fall in love...

I say give it a total of 3 months, and if there isn't any real progress then just end it. 

I agree with folks who have said that it is likely this guy is not a good match for me because we're a different points in our life snd he may not be serious. It is possible he has feelings for me because he does try to spend time with me and he does try to do things that make me happy, but at the end of the day, the age difference and different priorities will catch up. I also agree with the poster who suggested I wait for 3 months and if things are not moving along than end it. I think that's a good strategy. 

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My honest opinion and gut feeling after reading this is it’s just a booty call for him right now. It’s possible sometime down the road he might want more of a relationship with you, but just not right now. He may do things and say things to make you feel like he cares about you in a serious way but it’s more than likely lust right now. Hope everything works out in your favor 🙏 

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2 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

He held my hand on our third date by intertwining his fingers 

He spends the night 

Looks deep into my eyes and smiles

Tries to please me in bed 

None of these things indicates anything but a fling for you. The most important factor is that after a sleepover he goes home to his mom and dad.

Why try to decode weird "signs" such as interlocking fingers or looks into your eyes?

Because of the good sex, you seem to be getting attached to fantasies that he'll grow up and move out of his parents house. But... where to? Your place? 

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7 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

I agree with folks who have said that it is likely this guy is not a good match for me because we're a different points in our life snd he may not be serious. It is possible he has feelings for me because he does try to spend time with me and he does try to do things that make me happy, but at the end of the day, the age difference and different priorities will catch up. I also agree with the poster who suggested I wait for 3 months and if things are not moving along than end it. I think that's a good strategy. 

You're not necessarily at different points. He simply may not see serious potential with you so he may click better with someone else and desire to commit.  I've seen that happen many times including to me, personally -it hurts less- less cringing -if you accept that as a potential reason.  He might have feelings for you and not see serious potential which is why he's using all those silly excuses about labels and sexual "compatibility". 

I wouldn't wait 3 months if you continue to have sex with him because he can still be out there dating as long as he doesn't have intercourse -all he promised was sexual monogamy "one girl at a time" -isn't that how he put it - this adult man? Won't you feel nauseous if you realize he's on line or you find out he's pursuing other women -even without actual sex - after leaving your bed over the next 3 months? I'd tell him that on reflection you're not comfortable continuing to be sexually active if he doesn't see serious potential here. 

You're fine going on dates and being affectionate/physical (to a point where you'd be ok as far as getting emotionally attached) but you're going to wait to have sex again until you two decide to be serious with each other.  It's hard to backtrack but if he really likes you he'll understand. 

That way he can have sex with whoever and date whoever -you date him casually and date others.  That way you also don't have to talk to him about what you two would do if you got pregnant, and you will have far less worries about STDs (depending on how he defines "one girl at a time" and "sex").  

Your stomach will thank you.  (Meaning the nausea thing).  

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11 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

I agree with folks who have said that it is likely this guy is not a good match for me because we're a different points in our life snd he may not be serious. It is possible he has feelings for me because he does try to spend time with me and he does try to do things that make me happy, but at the end of the day, the age difference and different priorities will catch up. I also agree with the poster who suggested I wait for 3 months and if things are not moving along than end it. I think that's a good strategy. 

 Just adding a note: I know a couple that are 12 years apart, and got married/still married. He was 23-24 when they started dating, so anything is possible. As you go along,  I'm sure conversations will arise that will either make or break this. 

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Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That way he can have sex with whoever and date whoever -you date him casually and date others.  

It's interesting because that's exactly what I'm doing. We talked about being exclusive as far as physicality because I like to be very safe, but we didn't talk about situations where we would be talking to other people online. Both of us have a profile still up. I did ask him if he's talking to other women before we got into it and he said that he was not talking to anyone else. His exact words were, I'm not talking to anybody else right now. He didn't ask me if I was so I took that as a sign that I could continue talking to other people. That's exactly what I'm doing. But this hasn't really hoped with not developing feelings. So, I think I do need to have a conversation regarding the physical relationship needing to stop if there's no serious potential. This guy is very strange because he sent so many mixed signals. He has a very dry sense of humor and sometimes he says the very seriously that later I find out was a joke. The booty call thing could have been a joke for all I know, but either way, there's other things that I think make this less likely to be a serious relationship. I've noticed that at times he gets a tiny bit jealous if I talk about other men or if guys hit on me at clubs or lounges. He says he doesn't bother him but his facial expression says otherwise. I could be misreading it of course 

Edited by Angel_325
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1 hour ago, Angel_325 said:

This guy is very strange because he sent so many mixed signals.

These are the guys I filtered out when I was single. 

I wasn't going to waste my time with men who were not clear and consistent in their signals. 

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1 hour ago, Angel_325 said:

 I've noticed that at times he gets a tiny bit jealous if I talk about other men.

You don't have to call it "booty call", since you don't like that term. Why not just let yourself scratch an itch for now and not classify it as this, that or the other?

Don't discuss other guys with him, it's tacky. Have whatever sex you enjoy, but skip the jealousy "tests" and TMI. Keep your private life private.

All you need to do to protect yourself is stop getting attached or overinvested. When it's time to move forward, you can both walk away without a mess to clean up.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

These are the guys I filtered out when I was single. 

I wasn't going to waste my time with men who were not clear and consistent in their signals. 

Typically no signals needed at all - a man who wants to be with a woman (or vice versa) will keep it simple and direct with words that are then backed up with actions.  

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3 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

It's interesting because that's exactly what I'm doing. We talked about being exclusive as far as physicality because I like to be very safe, but we didn't talk about situations where we would be talking to other people online.

But you're being unsafe emotionally.  All relationships require emotional vulnerability and risks but obviously you balance the risks. 

I moved cities for the first time in 43 years, 800 miles away, to a city where I knew no one, got pregnant, was unemployed for the first time in over 15 years, all for love.  Huge risk! Emotionally, physically, financially, professionally.  So I can read all these posts of "go with the flow" and "all relationships are risks" etc.  It's silly and makes just as much sense as the senseless "uh I like having my penis in you but not ready to LABEL you my girlfriend".  I took these risks because I'd known him for years, we were engaged then getting married, never did he mention "labels" or hesitate about committing to me and our family, and we were in love and showed love.

 You remind me of my friends who get jaded because they consent to casual sex, then regret it and somehow then the guy was "using" them and was a jerk for going along with it.  Very often those women ended up jaded, cynical and not able to trust men generally enough or like men generally enough to find a healthful relationship.  

Stop grasping at straws over whether he's a tiny bit jealous or how he looks into your eyes or that he left one of his toiletries at your house.  Many people get jealous in this situation and doesn't mean they want to be with that person -they simply don't want the person to like anyone else more. 

No guarantees but why play around with lying to yourself and commenting on your feelings as if you cannot control them.  You can't.  You can control your actions and your reactions -so you already know you're getting emotionally attached to someone who is happy to keep this at casual dating and having sex and will break out in hives if you whisper a LABEL.  But he's not allergic to getting naked with you, risking pregnancy (would he like the label DAD?? - do you know? or are you just reading into "signs"?), etc.  Hmmmmm.  

Obviously my tone is somewhat sarcastic.  I feel frustrated when intelligent women like you engage in this twisting themselves in a pretzel and verbiage to justify being dishonest with themselves.  Please don't end up blaming him -he's being transparent while you are not being transparent with yourself.

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On 6/28/2022 at 10:53 PM, Angel_325 said:

I also agree with the poster who suggested I wait for 3 months and if things are not moving along than end it. I think that's a good strategy. 

I don't think this is a good strategy for you. Even if you are dating others now, it's pretty clear that you like him significantly more than the others. And it also seems clear that this is casual for him. 

No guy is going to say this to a girl that he is truly interested in:

On 6/27/2022 at 8:48 PM, Angel_325 said:

he said that I might or might not be just a casual fling or booty call

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35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Typically no signals needed at all - a man who wants to be with a woman (or vice versa) will keep it simple and direct with words that are then backed up with actions.  

Yes, this is what I meant. 

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24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, this is what I meant. 

Oh I'm sure -just that the OP is so focused on signals and reading tea leaves I was concerned she'd read into your comments in that manner.

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