Should i leave my boyfriend of 1 year..Pros and cons! Send help:(

[waffle]

5 minutes ago, Tailz said:

. . . now im starting to just feel used cause he doesnt do ANYTHING for me ever...and when i ask for help its like im a burden 

And yet you said in your "pro" list that he's nice to you.  So this is confusing.  He sounds awful, quite frankly.  I don't see the draw here at all, unless it's a "he's better than nothing" type of situation.

[mical]

30 minutes ago, Tailz said:

 he doesnt do ANYTHING for me ever...

You mentioned he is “loving and kind” towards you.

Can you think of the loving and kind things he has done?

My guess is maybe you just aren’t attracted as much to him since he seems lonely and with baggage as you mentioned, and for this reason all the little things you don’t like about him are starting to creep up… 

tough situation ..but I guess it’s better to be with someone positive who has their life together…

I once dated someone who had depression and anxiety issues and my life is 100 better since I left  (for a different reason) now that I look back on it…

and now one of my major criteria for dating someone new is if they are optimistic/happy….

We can help others but it’s not our job to fix them..

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tailz said:

I can handle all his bagage but now im starting to just feel used cause he doesnt do ANYTHING for me ever...and when i ask for help its like im a burden 

It's not about how much baggage you can handle, it's about burning yourself out on a selfish person.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Tailz said:

Im trying so hard...i seen to always gravitate to the ones who need saving..i dont even know why

My theory is that those who try to "save" the most usually need the help and support the most. Instead of spending your time, resources, help and support on him, look at all the areas you wish to improve or change or gain support for yourself.

To me, this is a massive cry for help and I'm meaning this in the kindest way possible because I do empathize with you. 

You've got to start looking out for yourself better and doing for yourself what you're willing to do for people like this who use/abuse your trust or any kindness you show them with no reciprocity. And you are used to so little because you keep expecting so little. Don't live like that.

[smackie9]

Sorry but a relationship can't survive on affection alone. This guy is a $%^& show. You must be pretty deaf from your gut instinct screaming at you. Girl you need to look out for number one and that's you. 

[DarkCh0c0]

OP you feel used because YOU ARE used. He's a user.

You need to listen to your feelings and set yourself free. You need to value your own well being.

[SooSad33]

On 6/13/2022 at 2:02 PM, Tailz said:

I told him im not happy in this relationship and i dont wanna leave i just wanna see change (he told me im too negative for him lately and i told him he has been negative for a whole year and i put myself aside for his own emotional needs and he said "yah well im not trying to be anymore" as if my issues now arent valid cause hes GOOD now

How can you see him as your 'lifelong partner', if you are not happy? ( I can see him in my life longterm as my lover not just my friends).

 

I see the negative is way longer than the positives.

And I feel he's been way too dependant on you!  You helping him with money etc?  Has only been a year! ( I have an ex like this... he was involved & ended up helping his new gf out with money - later, this became an issue for him..admitting he was 'too nice').

I do not see you as 'happy' at all in this... maybe a basic friendship- but you can help him no more!

He needs to learn his limits and be more responsible... not have a new gf to do this for him. I'd be full of guilt 😕 

[reinventmyself]

You focus on his good qualities.  Even Jeffery Dahmer had good qualities.

This man is showing you exactly who is and you need to pay attention to that rather than sticking around and hoping he'll magically turn into someone else entirely.  Do not wait for someone to change when what you have in front of you is exactly who he is.

He's loving?  You need to sit and think about the definition of that.  His reaching out to other women, taking advantage of financial assistance from you (so early on) not interested in fulfilling your needs, going out alone without you and basically treating you like a friend and not a lover.   For that matter, my friends don't lie to me.

This isn't loving.  It seems you provide him things he needs and he's not interested in reciprocating.  Love isn't merely words, it's the actions they exhibit.  His actions seem anything but loving.  I can assume what brought you is you don't feel loved.  Correct?

Believe you deserve better.  Learn that it's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize that you aren't mean to be together.

[Jibralta]

On 6/13/2022 at 2:02 PM, Tailz said:

Cons

1. He lost his car and i had stepped up a lot with helping with him his children and work
2. He is not the greatest with money and I ended up getting him a loan to pay off his debt
3. He wasn't happy with a consolidated loan so he took more loans to pay out the loan i got him :s
4. 3 months into dating I found out he has a girl with her child at his house (oldfriend) and i showed up...it wasn't just a friendly visit i know there was more to them
5. He is always checking out other women with out without me around
6. He seems desperate to go out to a club but I don't think he cares if I'm with him (like he wants to be young again)
7. I dont know if he is over his ex (baby mama) she still really gets under his skin
8. I found he made a profile on some site to meet women (those pop ups while watching porn, and he responded to ones to the fake messages)
9. I saw he tried to connect with an old female friend from work and said they should hang out sometime.
10. I have told him so many time that I need more from this relationship
11. He never thinks of me first or does nice things for me ( like anything...never surprises me..never pays)
12. He doesnt hold my hand or show any affection in public places
13. People in his family (who are like my family) always ask if we are even together cause we don't look like a couple (kisses, touching, nothing)
14. I told him im not happy in this relationship and i dont wanna leave i just wanna see change (he told me im too negative for him lately and i told him he has been negative for a whole year and i put myself aside for his own emotional needs and he said "yah well im not trying to be anymore" as if my issues now arent valid cause hes GOOD now
15. We dont talk about the future and the only time we ever did was when he was trying to convince he loves me (after i caught him online)
16. He never compliments or tells me nice things about how i look or the things i wear
17. i feel like bestfriends not lovers

I think that the first thing you should do is look at the Pros list you posted as a part of a Minimum Standard. Your partner should AT LEAST be kind to you and your family, show you love, share similar interests, etc.

Next, rephrase this Cons list as a continuation of your standard. For example, your list can look like this:

1. He manages his family and career independently
2. He is financially independent and makes responsible decisions
3. He is smart about money
4. He is faithful and respectful
   • He does not ogle women when I'm around--or at least he doesn't make it obvious
   • He is comfortable with his age and doesn't troll clubs in a desperate attempt to be "young"
   • He doesn't have an ex or a baby mama OR if he does, they have a healthy and mature, platonic relationship centered around their kids.
   • He doesn't solicit sex from other women
   • He doesn't try to reconnect with old flames
5. He fulfils my relationship needs
6. He surprises me by doing nice things for me. For example, sometimes he pays instead of me. 
7. He holds my hand and shows me affection in public places
8. People in his family see us as a couple
9. He listens to my concerns and takes them to heart. He respects the work I put into this relationship. I never feel invalidated.
10. We talk about the future 
11. He compliments or tells me nice things about how i look or the things i wear
12. i feel like bestfriends and lovers

Then find a guy that checks off all of the boxes because this guy (unfortunately) isn't the one. 

I really don't think you're asking for a lot. You just want a basic adult.

[waffle]

I would be surprised if you found all of the above in one person.  If so, you have indeed found perfection.  I would have to see this to believe it.

[Cherylyn]

His cons cancel out his pros.  You deserve better.  Better to be alone and at peace than with a man who gives you nothing but trouble. 

You decide what to do.  If it were me, I'd breakup!

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, waffle said:

I would be surprised if you found all of the above in one person.  If so, you have indeed found perfection.  I would have to see this to believe it.

Huh. I think it's a normal, heathy person.