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Should i leave my boyfriend of 1 year..Pros and cons! Send help:(


Tailz
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Soooo basically I have been with my boyfriend for about one year. it has been a really tough year because he has been going through a lot with his children and his ex as well as work and he lost his car. I have been very supportive of him and have really helped him out (I basically played step mom and wife all in one year while still dealing with his up and down moods as well as  infidelity) He is not just my boyfriends but also someone I was friends with before and cant really avoid after a breakup.

I am here to ask you guys for advice cause i honestly love this man but I just don't know if I should stick around any longer..Here are my pros and cons and Id really appreciate some advice.  I can dish the advice but i cant see to take my own!

 

Pros

  1. He calls me and talks to me all day long if he could
  2. He always wants to see me and see what im up too
  3. He loves it when I come over
  4. He is always looking to cuddle me when we are inside the house and in bed
  5. He loves my son
  6. My son love him
  7. I love his children
  8. He has been slow too but has come around my family more often
  9. We both like to smoke 😉
  10. we like the same music and have the same interests
  11. hes has a good job
  12. He takes pride in his work and his childre
  13. He is nice to me and never talks down to me when we argue
  14. I can see him in my life longterm as my lover not just my friends
  15. He always seeks me for advice
  16. He feels like my bestfriend

Cons

  1. He lost his car and i had stepped up a lot with helping with him his children and work
  2. He is not the greatest with money and I ended up getting him a loan to pay off his debt
  3. He wasn't happy with a consolidated loan so he took more loans to pay out the loan i got him :s
  4. 3 months into dating I found out he has a girl with her child at his house (oldfriend) and i showed up...it wasn't just a friendly visit i know there was more to them
  5. He is always checking out other women with out without me around
  6. He seems desperate to go out to a club but I don't think he cares if I'm with him (like he wants to be young again)
  7. I dont know if he is over his ex (baby mama) she still really gets under his skin
  8. I found he made a profile on some site to meet women (those pop ups while watching porn, and he responded to ones to the fake messages)
  9. I saw he tried to connect with an old female friend from work and said they should hang out sometime.
  10. I have told him so many time that I need more from this relationship
  11. He never thinks of me first or does nice things for me ( like anything...never surprises me..never pays)
  12. He doesnt hold my hand or show any affection in public places
  13. People in his family (who are like my family) always ask if we are even together cause we don't look like a couple (kisses, touching, nothing)
  14. I told him im not happy in this relationship and i dont wanna leave i just wanna see change (he told me im too negative for him lately and i told him he has been negative for a whole year and i put myself aside for his own emotional needs and he said "yah well im not trying to be anymore" as if my issues now arent valid cause hes GOOD now
  15. We dont talk about the future and the only time we ever did was when he was trying to convince he loves me (after i caught him online)
  16. He never compliments or tells me nice things about how i look or the things i wear
  17. i feel like bestfriends not lovers

What the hell do i doooo!?!?!?!?!

 

Edited by Tailz
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He's financially irresponsible and sounds like a child, OP. This isn't going to  change. On top of that he's impulsive in other ways and has old "friends" over whom you suspect of something else. 

If any of the loans are in your name you're on the hook for them. Cut your losses before they grow so large your future looks more and more like the mess that he is right now.

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13 minutes ago, Tailz said:

going through a lot with his children and his ex as well as work and he lost his car. I basically played step mom and wife all in one year while still dealing with his up and down moods as well as  infidelity

Sorry this is happening. Too much too soon and he has way too many problems he dumps on you.

Do not be a free nanny. His children are his and their mother's responsibility.

 The infidelity is enough of a deal breaker in itself. Not to mention his financial problems. Make sure you are not spending on him/his kids and do not give or lend him money. He's is a parasite who you should not expose your child to.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I didn't even get through your list of cons...I read the first 4 and for the life of me couldn't understand why you're still speaking to this man.

He is a terrible partner and a terrible friend.

Having someone want to talk all day long, means nothing. He wants company, so he goes to what's available, but by the sound of it, he will toss you for the first cute girl that smiles at him.

He is not someone who is responsible whatsoever when it comes to finances and a loser like that will have you broke and struggling if you keep on.

You know this is a bad partner and a bad choice. Maybe you just need someone to say it out loud to you.

End this.

It's not love. Love doesn't include being used, being cheated on, being lied to, or being forced to bail someone out financially while they keep being irresponsible time and time again.

This man doesn't love you, otherwise he wouldn't be forcing you to go through the heartaches (and headaches!) that he does.

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You are one year in a relationship and took a loan to sponsor his bad finances. For a guy that is actively seeking other women. Have you watched "The Tindler Swindler"? You are like those women, except unlike them you know that your guy isnt rich. Which is way worst because at least the guy from the documentary dangled his money as a colateral to pay them. You know your guy is broke and he wont pay you a dime. 

You are not his wife nore his family. You are just his girlfriend. And he is using you to pay his bad financial habits. So get out of there before he gets you into debt that you cant repay. 

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I'm sorry about this.

He only takes takes and takes in this relationship. And then when you question him, he points back his finger at you and that you're not giving enough, right?

But it's not true.

You have such a good heart but low self worth. Love is a two way street. It's a give and take. But in your case, it's a one way street. That's not how relationships work.

You need to stop putting up with this his trashy treatment and leave. That's how you break this cycle. And then you need to get therapy and ask yourself why you put up with such act. Why are you okay being used like this?

To clarify: You are NOT his mother. You are NOT his friend. You are NOT his therapist. You are NOT his bank.

You are his GF and yet he treats you like a side chick. And worse of it, he can tell you anything you want to hear and he knows you'll stay.

But the truth is, you are worthy of a man who is kind, generous, and giving to you too. And a man who pulls his weight BY HIMSELF... and that of his children. A man who is fully committed to you and makes you feel special. And your bf has proven to you with his actions that he's not the one. At all!

You DO have a choice here. Leave him and block him everywhere. Distance yourself from him and his fake tears/threats/promises. Put yourself first and your self respect. Take care of YOU.

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2 hours ago, Tailz said:

What the hell do i doooo!?!?!?!?!

Print out the Cons List. 

Put it somewhere where you will see it regularly, such as beside your bathroom mirror. 

Re-read Points 1 through 17 every time you see it. Then do it again. 

Bring it to a good therapist if you still need help understanding why you should stop wasting your time with the clown whose behaviour even generated that long a Cons List to begin with. 

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Thank you so much everyone...It really helps to hear it out loud from your guys...

I feel like I keep sticking around hoping for a different version of him to come out. I don't understand how someone wants you around 24/7 and talks to you all day long but doesn't love you. 

Does anyone feel like I am over reacting when it comes to my needs from him...like maybe he just isn't the romantic type but does love me and I am demanding this like a crazy girl

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18 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

He's financially irresponsible and sounds like a child, OP. This isn't going to  change. On top of that he's impulsive in other ways and has old "friends" over whom you suspect of something else. 

If any of the loans are in your name you're on the hook for them. Cut your losses before they grow so large your future looks more and more like the mess that he is right now.

No  nothing is in my name..i just found him the loan.

He had the girl over when we first started talking..should i still be bitter over it

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18 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I didn't even get through your list of cons...I read the first 4 and for the life of me couldn't understand why you're still speaking to this man.

He is a terrible partner and a terrible friend.

Having someone want to talk all day long, means nothing. He wants company, so he goes to what's available, but by the sound of it, he will toss you for the first cute girl that smiles at him.

He is not someone who is responsible whatsoever when it comes to finances and a loser like that will have you broke and struggling if you keep on.

You know this is a bad partner and a bad choice. Maybe you just need someone to say it out loud to you.

End this.

It's not love. Love doesn't include being used, being cheated on, being lied to, or being forced to bail someone out financially while they keep being irresponsible time and time again.

This man doesn't love you, otherwise he wouldn't be forcing you to go through the heartaches (and headaches!) that he does.

I feel like i keep sticking around cause he wasnt in this state when we frst started dating. he as so energetic and outgoing and loving..then he hit hard times and he just went numb and depressed. i stayed with him but he kept messing up. Now he has a new car on the road and he seems to be a lot better and more positive, I feel like i may have jumped the gun with this breakup instead of waiting to see how his new mood may have played out for me...maybe he would have been a better partner.

Now he is playing it back at me like he doesnt know if he wants this anymore cause he thought we were good and now im telling him we are not. He says we have talked about this before and i said but you havnt even changed for the better towards me so how could you think we were GOOD

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16 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sorry about this.

He only takes takes and takes in this relationship. And then when you question him, he points back his finger at you and that you're not giving enough, right?

But it's not true.

You have such a good heart but low self worth. Love is a two way street. It's a give and take. But in your case, it's a one way street. That's not how relationships work.

You need to stop putting up with this his trashy treatment and leave. That's how you break this cycle. And then you need to get therapy and ask yourself why you put up with such act. Why are you okay being used like this?

To clarify: You are NOT his mother. You are NOT his friend. You are NOT his therapist. You are NOT his bank.

You are his GF and yet he treats you like a side chick. And worse of it, he can tell you anything you want to hear and he knows you'll stay.

But the truth is, you are worthy of a man who is kind, generous, and giving to you too. And a man who pulls his weight BY HIMSELF... and that of his children. A man who is fully committed to you and makes you feel special. And your bf has proven to you with his actions that he's not the one. At all!

You DO have a choice here. Leave him and block him everywhere. Distance yourself from him and his fake tears/threats/promises. Put yourself first and your self respect. Take care of YOU.

i feel like he can be all these nice things but he was going through so much it was making him depressed and selfish.

Maybe i am just making excuses for him

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11 minutes ago, Tailz said:

Thank you so much everyone...It really helps to hear it out loud from your guys...

I feel like I keep sticking around hoping for a different version of him to come out. I don't understand how someone wants you around 24/7 and talks to you all day long but doesn't love you. 

Does anyone feel like I am over reacting when it comes to my needs from him...like maybe he just isn't the romantic type but does love me and I am demanding this like a crazy girl

That’s the kind of thought process that keeps you stuck with partners like this. If it’s not him, it’ll be some other man who treats you exactly the same way. 

Where did you learn that having standards and looking after yourself makes you a “crazy girl”? First of all, you are a full grown woman, not a girl, so don’t think of yourself as an underaged person who needs to please a man.

Start looking out for yourself like an adult. Don’t shame yourself into thinking you’re crazy and remove that horrible conditioning that’s kept you in situations like this. 

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24 minutes ago, Tailz said:

I don't understand how someone wants you around 24/7 and talks to you all day long but doesn't love you. 

Because talk is cheap. He can promise you to "take the stars off the sky for you".  But it really doesnt matter when he doesnt show you that in any way. That means treating you like a special person in his life and not just talking to you all day. You can talk to friends all day. But it takes a lot more to be a romantic partner. 

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16 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

That’s the kind of thought process that keeps you stuck with partners like this. If it’s not him, it’ll be some other man who treats you exactly the same way. 

Where did you learn that having standards and looking after yourself makes you a “crazy girl”? First of all, you are a full grown woman, not a girl, so don’t think of yourself as an underaged person who needs to please a man.

Start looking out for yourself like an adult. Don’t shame yourself into thinking you’re crazy and remove that horrible conditioning that’s kept you in situations like this. 

Im trying so hard...i seen to always gravitate to the ones who need saving..i dont even know why

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9 minutes ago, Tailz said:

Im trying so hard...i seen to always gravitate to the ones who need saving..i dont even know why

He doesn't need saving. 

He's a user. He's fine. He'll just move along to the next woman he can exploit. 

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2 minutes ago, Tailz said:

Im trying so hard...i seen to always gravitate to the ones who need saving..i

Did you grow up in a household where someone needed saving per se, and it didn't happen? So you unconsciously you're trying to save and get love from someone in the past? Maybe a toxic/unavailable parent?

I know I wished someone saved me from the constant mess back home. For years... But back then I was a kid. At some point, you have to realise you are an adult and that other adults don't need saving. Adults, healthy adults, pull their own weight without giving excuses and asking for pity. They may ask for help, but reasonable help. And healthy adults give AND take. Both ways.

You need to learn that you are no longer a kid and that real love comes from you first, to you.

26 minutes ago, Tailz said:

Maybe i am just making excuses for him

You are. You need to free yourself and work on your self esteem.

I very much advise you to find a good therapist who will help you work through your self-esteem and help you stop gravitating towards toxic relationships.

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36 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Did you grow up in a household where someone needed saving per se, and it didn't happen? So you unconsciously you're trying to save and get love from someone in the past? Maybe a toxic/unavailable parent?

I know I wished someone saved me from the constant mess back home. For years... But back then I was a kid. At some point, you have to realise you are an adult and that other adults don't need saving. Adults, healthy adults, pull their own weight without giving excuses and asking for pity. They may ask for help, but reasonable help. And healthy adults give AND take. Both ways.

You need to learn that you are no longer a kid and that real love comes from you first, to you.

You are. You need to free yourself and work on your self esteem.

I very much advise you to find a good therapist who will help you work through your self-esteem and help you stop gravitating towards toxic relationships.

i truly also believe its my self esteem for sure..i never had issues growing up with parents or any neglects...my only issue was my mother was always worried about men and dating new men and always telling me how they cheat and so on..i was a very young girl when this happend and i feel its created a paranoia in me that i cannot shake

i do as well believe i need therapy because this is an ongoing issue in my life...i am the happiest of beings when im single...as soon as im in a relationship i become paranoid and toxic almost..i also feel like a self sabotage a loooot! i suffer from anxiety my whole life and have become a people pleaser cause of bullying i went through as a child for many years...i think im scared for someone not to like me or think highly of me. 

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Then there you go. You're on the right track if you break up with him and this toxic cycle, and get yourself good help from therapy. A therapist will help you know your worth and gravitate towards healthier and more available men. Men who will treat you right.

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1 hour ago, Tailz said:

I feel like i keep sticking around cause he wasnt in this state when we frst started dating. he as so energetic and outgoing and loving..then he hit hard times and he just went numb and depressed. i stayed with him but he kept messing up. Now he has a new car on the road and he seems to be a lot better and more positive, I feel like i may have jumped the gun with this breakup instead of waiting to see how his new mood may have played out for me...maybe he would have been a better partner.

Now he is playing it back at me like he doesnt know if he wants this anymore cause he thought we were good and now im telling him we are not. He says we have talked about this before and i said but you havnt even changed for the better towards me so how could you think we were GOOD

Honest question, why are you staying around a man who has already been checking out other women, and made a dating profile behind your back?

 

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1 hour ago, Tailz said:

He says we have talked about this before and i said but you havnt even changed for the better towards me so how could you think we were GOOD

Don't date "potential" or handyman specials. Waiting around trying to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse is wasting precious time you could find a man you don't have to repair or re-raise.

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2 hours ago, Tailz said:

Im trying so hard...i seen to always gravitate to the ones who need saving..i dont even know why

One reason is it's easier - then you don't have to be vulnerable.  You are the savior, the hero, you have control - you feel powerful and superior if it works.  

Trying hard is not really the thing - it's doing or not doing - it's doing the work to get to the root of what benefits do you get from playing the hero and then addressing it by changing your actions.  It's hard but so worth it.

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Love isn’t about keeping a record or score.

I don’t think you love him to be honest.

He was like this when you met him  and it’s taken a year? Hmm

Just leave him and find someone who is better with their finances if that’s important for you. 
 

But remember, nobody is perfect and you will always have pros and cons no matter what…

I’d rather be with a woman that is kind and loving with no savings than vice versa 😉

 

Edited by mical
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14 minutes ago, mical said:

Love isn’t about keeping a record or score.

I don’t think you love him to be honest.

He was like this when you met him  and it’s taken a year? Hmm

Just leave him and find someone who is better with their finances if that’s important for you. 
 

But remember, nobody is perfect and you will always have pros and cons no matter what…

I’d rather be with a woman that is kind and loving with no savings than vice versa 😉

 

yah i agree with you about the finances..they are important but not a deal breaker.. 

he is loving and kind but i feel like its just cause he always needs something from me and he said he is lonely so i think he has just gravitated to me to fill a void.

i do love him very much, I can handle all his bagage but now im starting to just feel used cause he doesnt do ANYTHING for me ever...and when i ask for help its like im a burden 

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