My Girl Told Me to Leave Her Alone

[Rejectedman1]

I'm unsure if there are any other Christians on here, but regardless... I'm very upset right now. I'm angry at the world, I'm mad at God, and I'm trying to figure out what went wrong.

Nearly a decade ago, I was at a men's homeless shelter. I'd like to think I've never been a bad guy, I just fell on hard times and it took time to get back on my feet. I needed a place to stay until I could get a job, and get some things in order.

While there, I met a guy who was also going through some hard times, and he was temporarily separated from his wife and grown daughter. I met him and his son, and he spoke a lot of his wife and daughter.

When he pointed her out to me, I knew I was in love. I felt I was on good terms with him, and I approached the girl, who was in her late twenties. I told her I was in my fifties, that I was working on getting a job, that I had my teeth fixed. I even sang to her once. I also bought her soda, and treated her to lunch.

After we hung out a few times, I made a move to kiss her, and she balked, but allowed me kiss her hand. I told her I loved her, and I knew right then that we were meant to be together forever, even though she hurried out of the car quickly. I'm sure she was just busy that day.

I only saw her sporadically after that, chance encounters on the side of the road while she was out walking. Whenever I saw her, I greeted her with enthusiasm and offered her a ride, eagerly awaiting the next time she would get in and we could just be together and solidify our relationship. Each and every time, she would just say no, and keep on walking. I knew she was probably busy. But... I still awaited the time we would be together, when her time permitted.

Finally, several months ago, when I pulled up next to her beside the sidewalk, she didn't even seem to notice me as she kept walking. I asked her where she was going. She gave me a dirty look, and she YELLED at me to just leave her alone, then she walked away in a huff.

I would just like to know what happened here, and what exactly went wrong. She was beautiful. We were as good as together, because we seemed to get along great the few times we were together, and I was living my own life... but I was also waiting for the day when we'd be together forever. 

Why in the world did she suddenly become busy? Why wouldn't she get in the car with me again? Her Dad seemed to approve, and things seemed to be going great between us. It was like a biblical prophecy, God telling everyone in neon flashing lights that WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. WE WERE IN LOVE ALREADY.

I feel like God lied to me. I feel like specific events were set in motion just to turn out completely different than they were supposed to. 

What can I do here? And how can I make her remember that we're supposed to be together forever, and that she loves me as much as I love her?

[Seraphim]

Ok, we are given free will, correct ? You may have felt like you were destined to be with her but she didn’t feel that way. Her dad may have approved but she is an adult who can make her own choice . 
 

Someone who is meant to love you loves you willingly and wants to be with you. Look for that person. 

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, Rejectedman1 said:

After we hung out a few times, I made a move to kiss her, and she balked, but allowed me kiss her hand. I told her I loved her, and I knew right then that we were meant to be together forever, even though she hurried out of the car quickly. I'm sure she was just busy that day.

 

Um, no. She was telling you she doesnt want you. You are 50+ year old. By now you should have known social signs and boundaries. If she is not cofortable with you, she is not comfortable with you and that is it. She is 20 years younger, its highly unlikely she is attracted to you.

As for the last time, again, she is not comfortable with you. But that day she had enough and just decided she doesnt want to pretend friendly anymore. Again, no means no, respect that.

Dunno how God has anything to do with this. You said to yourself that you were meant to be together and are pushing that. God and faith dont work in that ways where we imagine something and we get it. That is just our wishes and what we pray for. 

[Capricorn3]

Going by what you describe, she was never your girl in the first place.  Also, nowhere, not once, do you mention that she said she loves you. Not once.  That does NOT indicate in any way that you "were meant to be together because we are in love".  In fact, quite the opposite (imo).  All I see is her NOT having much attraction to you (sorry), and she seems uncomfortable around you - hence she quickly rushes off.  She's also probably not crazy about such a massive age difference - you're old enough to be her father.  You're freaking her out.  Leave her be.

OP, if someone tells you emphatically to please leave them alone, you need to respect that.  Leave her alone and move on with your life.  You have turned her into a fantasy and it's not going to magically change into real life. 

[boltnrun]

This has nothing to do with God. Humans have free will, given to us by God (if you're a believer and you apparently are). She has chosen not to be in a romantic relationship with you. You must respect her choice.

2 hours ago, Rejectedman1 said:

It was like a biblical prophecy, God telling everyone in neon flashing lights that WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. WE WERE IN LOVE ALREADY.

No, this is not true. This was you wanting her to be with you and her choosing not to. 

I'm sorry you're disappointed. It seems like you viewed her as the answer to everything that's difficult in your life. But she's not the answer.

[Rejectedman1]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

I'm sorry you're disappointed. It seems like you viewed her as the answer to everything that's difficult in your life. But she's not the answer.

....Then what is the answer?

[Rejectedman1]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Um, no. She was telling you she doesnt want you. You are 50+ year old. By now you should have known social signs and boundaries. If she is not cofortable with you, she is not comfortable with you and that is it. She is 20 years younger, its highly unlikely she is attracted to you.

As for the last time, again, she is not comfortable with you. But that day she had enough and just decided she doesnt want to pretend friendly anymore. Again, no means no, respect that.

Dunno how God has anything to do with this. You said to yourself that you were meant to be together and are pushing that. God and faith dont work in that ways where we imagine something and we get it. That is just our wishes and what we pray for. 

I simply figured there was a way I could make her comfortable with me... or given enough time, God would make it happen anyway.

What is the point in having faith if I'm going to believe in something so strongly, just to have it not happen? I have believed in several things throughout my life, and none of them came to pass, even when I went through certain motions or put in my time or hard work.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Rejectedman1 said:

....Then what is the answer?

I don't know. But the answer wouldn't tell you "no" and ask you to leave her alone.

If you're looking for friends or a companion, why not look for someone who's closer to your age and who has similar life experiences? Someone who understands the struggles you've been through and will appreciate everything you've done to make your life better? 

[Seraphim]

The thing is we don’t get what WE think of good for us but what IS good for us. 

[Rejectedman1]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

The thing is we don’t get what WE think of good for us but what IS good for us. 

I was once told by a friend that we ourselves are the best judge of what we'd want, because we are the ones living our lives... I guess I believed that God would get behind it %100.

Another post in this thread said that we "don't get to imagine what we want and have it become reality". Maybe my imagination has been a bit much.

I... genuinely believed that everything would fall into place. It felt so right, so wonderful, and I idealized the perfect future... you don't look anywhere else when you believe you've found perfection already, and feel that God is already behind it... or that maybe He Himself is somehow in the way if He won't make it happen.

[Seraphim]

You are misunderstanding the relationship with God. 

[1a1a]

There’s a valuable lesson here;

don’t get carried away with a one sided relationship.

 

Next time you’re interested in someone. Tell them. And if they give you anything other than an enthusiastic yes, understand that that is a no. People will make time to see you if they want to be in your company. 
 

And a woman who doesn’t make time to be with you definitely isn’t your the one. 

[Rejectedman1]

24 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

There’s a valuable lesson here;

don’t get carried away with a one sided relationship.

 

Next time you’re interested in someone. Tell them. And if they give you anything other than an enthusiastic yes, understand that that is a no. People will make time to see you if they want to be in your company. 
 

And a woman who doesn’t make time to be with you definitely isn’t your the one. 

I suppose that is another problem I've often had with people... I have been told that I don't flat-out say what I really think and feel. I think in a way, I was raised to believe that you shouldn't say everything you think and feel. 

There is still a strong part of me that feels like none of this was ever one-sided, or at least it shouldn't have been. I got along with her dad, we bonded a little at the men's homeless shelter. He told me about her, I felt I knew everything there was to know about her. 

I invested in her. My time. My attention. Some of my money. I took her out to lunch once, after I'd given her a ride a few times, and I felt ready to kiss. I thought that was all that was needed to seal everything between us.

Plus I'm not considered very good-looking at all. She is beautiful, and I wanted to be with her, especially since she at least seemed to be giving me the time of day. At that point in time, she and her family were new to the area, too. I thought she'd absolutely love to have a friend, and something more in me.

[Rose Mosse]

She thinks you're creepy if she's yelling at you like that to stay away, OP. What more do you need to understand? You seem to think you are entitled to her just because you knew her dad or he gave his consent but this isn't the biblical ages when women were passed around as men's property. She doesn't belong to her father and her father has no right to meddle in her personal life or indicate to another man when it's ok to approach her.

Dating is about feeling one another out and mutual attraction or interest. Spending your time and money investing in her on one date and a few car rides is very minimal in the larger scheme. Take some time to work on yourself a bit more.

I'm not sure how you spent money on her when you don't have a job. Are you employed now? Good of you if you are. That's a step forward. Focus on this and getting your life back on track.

Don't let this discourage you and seek support and counselling for mental health if you feel you're struggling with loneliness or rejection. Don't push that onto another person or feel entitled to someone else's time when they're telling you very clearly that they do not want to be with you. 

[Rejectedman1]

I'm probably going to make other people angry when I say this, but I need to say it anyway. Bear in mind that I am open to discussion and I'm trying to work through this.

Sometimes, I'm not sure why things had to change. It's been stated that this isn't the bible times, but... so what? Why does anything have to be different from the bible times? It could be said that the bible times were some of the best, because that's when people were more focused on God and miracles happened more often.

It was clearly defined how men and women should behave, what their places are, and regardless of what the present-day laws state... some people in our day and age still feel that Old Testament laws are still applicable. Is there any reason they shouldn't be, especially since the Bible is the true word of God, and what worked back then should still work now?

[Rejectedman1]

Plus... how is it that Abraham and his chosen bride were meant to be? How is it that Eve was created specifically for Adam?

How is it that some modern-day couples have claimed that they "just knew" that God intended for them to be together, and they lasted an entire lifetime together?

And thus, why couldn't it be that way for me?

[MissCanuck]

She is not your girl, and never was.

You need to listen to her, and respect her boundaries. She has said no, multiple times. Stop harrassing her or you are going to wind up on the wrong side of the law. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

17 minutes ago, Rejectedman1 said:

How is it that some modern-day couples have claimed that they "just knew" that God intended for them to be together, and they lasted an entire lifetime together?

Try not to get caught up in ideals or what other people say. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors or what others are going through.

Seek help for mental health and find counselling. 

I strongly suggest you find assistance with more support or free/subsidized programs for mental health. The issue or danger here is veering so far into illusion and feeling entitled that it clouds your judgment overall. 

[Rejectedman1]

OK, I will look into getting counselling.

Thank you for your time, everyone.

[Capricorn3]

OP, please keep God out of the picture in this thread.  God has nothing to do at all with a girl telling you to leave her alone.  Any further posts referring to God will be deleted, and/or the thread closed.  Please refer to ENA rules.  Thank you.

That said, I agree with Rose above - look into counselling for your mental health.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Rejectedman1 said:

 that I was working on getting a job, that I had my teeth fixed. 

Make sure you follow up with social services for food stamps housing medical care and employment assistance. See if faith based charities can help you stabilize your life.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Living on the streets can cause some problems.

Ask for a referral to a mental health clinic. Get treatment for any substance abuse issues. And discuss the obsession with religion and thinking you're in love with random women.

Do not accost women. You'll end up getting picked up by the police. They may take you to a psychiatric center for treatment, but that may be a good thing.

[1a1a]

Personally I’m intensely glad we don’t live in bible times. Having autonomy is awesome! 
 

You invested some time, that’s step one, showing an interest. 
 

Did you look for reciprocity? That’s step two. It’s a really important step. If you don’t get reciprocity it’s time to move on.

 

[LotusBlack]

I agree with the other posters. In addition, I’m not so sure this woman’s father gave you permission. Given that you believe that you were in a relationship with the daughter and that she loves you despite her repeated requests to leave her alone, I strongly question the reality of her father giving permission. And If he did so, it was not his place to offer such a thing.

Your time, energy, and money would be much better spent on investing in yourself rather than someone else, at least for now. Work towards getting yourself sorted out in terms of a good, stable household, a reliable and fulfilling job, a supportive social circle, and good mental and physical health and well-being. Once you have all that, things will happen for you and fall into place. You may even meet a woman that truly is a good match for you. I’m certain she is out there, but you have to be in a good place within yourself to be able to recognise her when you [two] cross paths. 

[Tinydance]

On 5/23/2022 at 1:03 PM, Rejectedman1 said:

I suppose that is another problem I've often had with people... I have been told that I don't flat-out say what I really think and feel. I think in a way, I was raised to believe that you shouldn't say everything you think and feel. 

There is still a strong part of me that feels like none of this was ever one-sided, or at least it shouldn't have been. I got along with her dad, we bonded a little at the men's homeless shelter. He told me about her, I felt I knew everything there was to know about her. 

I invested in her. My time. My attention. Some of my money. I took her out to lunch once, after I'd given her a ride a few times, and I felt ready to kiss. I thought that was all that was needed to seal everything between us.

Plus I'm not considered very good-looking at all. She is beautiful, and I wanted to be with her, especially since she at least seemed to be giving me the time of day. At that point in time, she and her family were new to the area, too. I thought she'd absolutely love to have a friend, and something more in me.

Yes but that doesn't mean that she owes you to be in a relationship with you. She may have spent time with you just to be nice and friendly, since you knew her Dad. You're old enough to be her father so she probably just saw as an Uncle or "Dad" figure. 

This wasn't an arranged marriage so it doesn't matter that her Dad approved. Her Dad doesn't get to tell her who she's going to date, it's her decision.

It's been ten years and she never showed any interest in you. She yelled at you to leave her alone because you just didn't get that she's not interested. It was pretty obvious but you refused to see it.