Is he in it just for sex?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I had a male therapist, similar in age and while voicing my concerns over a similar scenario and wondering what the intentions were of a man I was dating. . I set up the funny response by saying something about the possibility of my date wanting sex.  Therapists response (jokingly)"Duh!  If a man likes you, trust me, he is thinking about having sex with you"  

I get it isn't about whether or not he wants to have sex.   This is highly likely it's a given.  It's about the intention.

Yes - the desire is totally normal.  What matters is how the person acts on that desire when first dating someone who he or she sees potential with -and most people don't lead with "let's have sex" -they might have sex right away but if there are serious intentions that's usually made clear beforehand.

[Andrina]

He is so clearly lukewarm. I've never known anyone who had success when a potential dating partner acted like this.

I believe what I've read is that your optimum dating situation is to date for a goal of longterm.

He says he doesn't know what he wants.

When two people's dating goals don't match, it's a mismatch.

As others have said, a guy who is crazy about you will be wanting to impress you and putting in some good effort and totally wanting to regularly see you in person.

When my husband and I met for the first time, he asked me out for the next day. During the next two months, he bought me a stuffed tiger, a dozen roses, and a romantic card. I was the first to suggest sex, and he told me was patient in case I really wanted to wait longer. 

Hold out for a guy who makes it crystal clear how into you he is. 

I feel you're settling, and you subconsciously might feel like you don't deserve anybody better. Believe that you do so you can instead indulge in a decadent shake. Pour that sour milk down the drain.

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Pour that sour milk down the drain.

Ooh Andrina nailed it!  ^^^ and a lot of the other posters.  You are absolutely yearning for what you really desire for yourself.  Don't settle girl, you don't have to.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  Concentrate on you, focus on your life and times and fitness and health and family/friend relationships, and when you are not looking, the ONE or multiple ONES will show up for you!

[boltnrun]

Also, what's with all the at home "dates"? 

"You wanna come over?" is not asking you out on a date. If he's short of cash there are plenty of low or no cost date ideas.

[LootieTootie]

So this is what you know.

1. he doesn't know what he's looking for

2. has asked for sex nonchalently quite early

3. cancelled plan on you last minute

4. never taken you out on an actual date

5. only wants to meet at home

 

Start withdrawing from this situationship and see if he pursues you more than just a "come over to my place" guy. If he still insist on you visiting him at home, cut the cord on this guy. He doesn't have the same dating goals as you, so do not force yourself to believe that he will come around.

 

[Batya33]

Anecdote- many years ago in my 30s a man approached me after a religious service where lots of single people went.  Very nice, we exchanged numbers, he called. He asked me out a week or more in advance for a weekday evening.  Back then -thank goodness- there wasn't all this chatting before a first date - no cell phone and I don't even know if we emailed or had each other's email. He called the afternoon of the date.  He had absolutely no plan in mind.  This was in a major city where we both lived.  We'd settled on a neighborhood (totally convenient for both of us) and he said "I know -meet me on the corner of __ and __ at 7pm and we'll decide."  Um no.  I was not going to stand on a street corner waiting for him when there were tons of restaurants around/places to meet.  I told him something like "I'm a lady and I don't hang around street corners at night waiting" - yes, I did. 

I told him to call me back when he had a place in mind. He did about a half hour later (as I said totally easy to come up with multiple suggestions, he just didn't care to put in the effort) and we met at a cool ethnic restaurant where he told me at length about the male-centered groups he'd joined recently (think banging on drums).  It wasn't really my thing. He teased me about refusing to meet him on a street corner and my insistence on a plan.  

Two weeks later he called me.  He wanted to know if I'd accompany him to the opera the next evening (or that weekend).  Hmm.  I said no as I wasn't interested in seeing him again but let's just say it occurred to me that it occurred to him that perhaps the women who settled for meeting on a street corner and being "spontaneous" might not think they deserved basic respectful treatment.  Hmmm.  

[OldSoul91]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

Two weeks later he called me.  He wanted to know if I'd accompany him to the opera the next evening (or that weekend).  Hmm.  I said no as I wasn't interested in seeing him again but let's just say it occurred to me that it occurred to him that perhaps the women who settled for meeting on a street corner and being "spontaneous" might not think they deserved basic respectful treatment.  Hmmm.  

This is how I feel right now. He texted me yesterday asking if I’d be interested in attending a yoga class with him. Not really, but it’s something different and I did mention it once so I see where he’s coming from, so I said yes. Then he starts looking at places only around him. I don’t want to spend every time we see each other driving over an hour each way. I keep waking up every day hoping that he doesn’t reach out and yet every day the contact increases. I think I was just so happy he was interested in me because he was known at our workplace for being extremely attractive and a good guy. And I have such low self confidence that I got caught up in it. But this sort of casual and seemingly disinterested dating isn’t for me. It just feels like he doesn’t think enough of me to care if I’m the one always driving or if I’m the one always agreeing to last minute plans. It actually hurts my self confidence more. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/25/2022 at 6:16 AM, OldSoul91 said:

I definitely need to work on my confidence 100%!

That's the key. Without that, you'll have a difficult time assessing things.

After what you have been through with your divorce and cheating husband, there's a lot to work through and sort out.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. 

Are you worried about your attractiveness? Get into a fitness program, update your wardrobe, get a new haircut,etc. 

Work on building internal and external confidence.

Players are very good at wining and dining so watch out for that. It means nothing but some free meals. It doesn't mean they respect you or see you as long term material. 

That comes from confidence, not how much anyone spends on fancy dinner dates.

Have you heard from this guy again? It seems too spoiled and tainted from the sexting and your assumption that he's just a horny wolf,so why bother continuing?

 

 

[OldSoul91]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

That's the key. Without that, you'll have a difficult time assessing things.

After what you have been through with your divorce and cheating husband, there's a lot to work through and sort out.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. 

Are you worried about your attractiveness? Get into a fitness program, update your wardrobe, get a new haircut,etc. 

Work on building internal and external confidence.

Players are very good at wining and dining so watch out for that. It means nothing but some free meals. It doesn't mean they respect you or see you as long term material. 

That comes from confidence, not how much anyone spends on fancy dinner dates.

Have you heard from this guy again? It seems too spoiled and tainted from the sexting and your assumption that he's just a horny wolf,so why bother continuing?

 

 

Agree with all of this. I am working on my confidence. I have always made sure to dress well, and do my hair, makeup etc. i don’t personally think I’m attractive but I do receive a lot of compliments so I think it’s partially an internal thing. I neglected my fitness for work so when I started my new job a month ago I made a commitment to it and I have been sticking to it. I hear from him all day everyday. Sometimes the conversation is great. But others he very quickly goes to sexting. 

[OldSoul91]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Also, what's with all the at home "dates"? 

"You wanna come over?" is not asking you out on a date. If he's short of cash there are plenty of low or no cost date ideas.

Agreed. This is what I meant the entire time. I’m not looking for an expensive date. In fact, I’m very awkward about money and I don’t want someone spending a lot on me. But to me, there’s a huge difference between “come over if you want” and “ it’s a beautiful day, do you want to sit in the yard and have lunch” or something to that affect. 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

Agree with all of this. I am working on my confidence. I have always made sure to dress well, and do my hair, makeup etc. i don’t personally think I’m attractive but I do receive a lot of compliments so I think it’s partially an internal thing. I neglected my fitness for work so when I started my new job a month ago I made a commitment to it and I have been sticking to it. I hear from him all day everyday. Sometimes the conversation is great. But others he very quickly goes to sexting. 

My commitment to working out helps my self confidence so much.  Been working out regularly since 1982, daily the last 10 years or so (before that around 4-5 times/week over the years) -it really does wonders that way -so suprising to me but true.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

I hear from him all day everyday. Sometimes the conversation is great. But others he very quickly goes to sexting. 

Shut down the sexting of course by saying you're tired, busy, need to go etc. Stay away from the textbuddy-zone. Instead update your dating profile and pics and start talking to and meeting more compatible men.

Focus on setting up in-person dates that you pick and decide on. How often does he have his child? Is he a heavy drinker or homebody? If so you're incompatible on that level also.

Do you have children? Perhaps dating freshly divorced single dads is not the right match. He may not have the time/money for the type of dating you are looking for.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

it’s a beautiful day, do you want to sit in the yard and have lunch”

But that still requires you to drive to him.

Have you suggested a date idea? If not, why not?

[OldSoul91]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But that still requires you to drive to him.

Have you suggested a date idea? If not, why not?

Agreed, but I wouldn’t mind that if it wasn’t all the time. I have not suggested a date idea, and the reason why is a combination of being mindful of his tight schedule with the kids and also my insecurity with pressuring people into doing something they don’t want. 

[OldSoul91]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Shut down the sexting of course by saying you're tired, busy, need to go etc. Stay away from the textbuddy-zone. Instead update your dating profile and pics and start talking to and meeting more compatible men.

Focus on setting up in-person dates that you pick and decide on. How often does he have his child? Is he a heavy drinker or homebody? If so you're incompatible on that level also.

Do you have children? Perhaps dating freshly divorced single dads is not the right match. He may not have the time/money for the type of dating you are looking for.

I do not have children. I do not even need to see him all the time. I was a very needy person as a teenager and young adult and couldn’t imagine being alone. After my divorce I learned to be comfortable with myself. I enjoy the company of others but I do not need someone to be around 24/7. I 100% understand him being busy and short on funds. I just don’t also want everything to point to sexual. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

my insecurity with pressuring people into doing something they don’t want. 

When he asks you to come over do you view it as pressuring you to do something you don't want? Or do you view it as asking to see you?

How is suggesting a date idea "pressuring"?

This makes no sense at all.

So your intention while dating is to always do and go where the man wants and never have any ideas of your own? What would you do if he asks what you want to do? Will you always say "whatever you want"? 

That comes across as wishy washy and insecure. That's not attractive. You'll end up with men either losing interest or taking advantage of your lack of a voice.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

I enjoy the company of others but I do not need someone to be around 24/7.  I just don’t also want everything to point to sexual. 

Stop the sexting and stop seeing him. You're not compatible.

[Batya33]

Don't let him have the benefit of texting you all day - "I've enjoyed our texting and I'm getting busier with activities so I'd prefer if we talk when we see each other in person or perhaps figure out a time to have a phone call"

I suggest that in general -i don't think this is a person who sees long term potential with you.

[DancingFool]

5 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

This is how I feel right now. He texted me yesterday asking if I’d be interested in attending a yoga class with him. Not really, but it’s something different and I did mention it once so I see where he’s coming from, so I said yes. Then he starts looking at places only around him. I don’t want to spend every time we see each other driving over an hour each way. I keep waking up every day hoping that he doesn’t reach out and yet every day the contact increases. I think I was just so happy he was interested in me because he was known at our workplace for being extremely attractive and a good guy. And I have such low self confidence that I got caught up in it. But this sort of casual and seemingly disinterested dating isn’t for me. It just feels like he doesn’t think enough of me to care if I’m the one always driving or if I’m the one always agreeing to last minute plans. It actually hurts my self confidence more. 

If you don't want to end up with a repeat of your ex, then stop investing your time in self centered men.

This guy is being self centered. He is literally expecting you to fit around his convenience and schedule while showing zero interest in even considering YOUR convenience. In your shoes, I'd have been done long ago with this clown regardless of how hot he is. 

If that's how you really feel in bold, then for the love of, end this misery already. It's not working out for you. He is not treating you like you want to be treated and that's good enough for you to kick him to the curb. Don't be so blinded by his looks that you keep ignoring his lack of everything else. Not to mention that at this point you are actually dreading his contact. Again, this is toxic behavior on your part that leads you into bad relationships. You need to learn to step away instead of hanging in there.

Also, he is fresh out of a divorce, so no, he isn't looking for anything serious, he is looking for a warm body to fill the void while he heals, gets used to being divorced, and eventually moves on. Again, why are you putting yourself in such a garbage position? Don't be his break up crutch. Crutches get discarded.

You keep talking about your insecurities, but come on. Choose better men and you won't be so insecure. Unlearn this habit of making yourself small to make him comfortable.

[Batya33]

I can't relate to your passivity -who cares how much he texts you?  It's up to you to show him how to treat you -politely and directly tell him that you do not have time to text.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

Then he starts looking at places only around him. I don’t want to spend every time we see each other driving over an hour each way. 

Missed this post. An hour away? He's just lazy if he wants you to drive to him regularly. Yeah, back y up from him.

[reinventmyself]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I can't relate to your passivity -who cares how much he texts you?  It's up to you to show him how to treat you -politely and directly tell him that you do not have time to text.

As much as I would want to advise her to tell him to ease up on the texting, level the playing field by having him meet her halfway, curb the sexting - He may oblige, but then you miss out this opportunity to sum him up based on his true behaviors and make an informed decision based on that.

He can adjust to your liking, but it's not who he is.  And it will likely be short lived.  I learned to not tell men to change who they are early on. But rather pay attention and make my decision based on what's in front of me.

I don't think this guy is for you and you are holding out hoping he'll adjust to your liking.  It's ok.  Most of us are guilty of doing it.  Eye's wide open and listen to your gut.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

As much as I would want to advise her to tell him to ease up on the texting, level the playing field by having him meet her halfway, curb the sexting - He may oblige, but then you miss out this opportunity to sum him up based on his true behaviors and make an informed decision based on that.

He can adjust to your liking, but it's not who he is.  And it will likely be short lived.  I learned to not tell men to change who they are early on. But rather pay attention and make my decision based on what's in front of me.

I don't think this guy is for you and you are holding out hoping he'll adjust to your liking.  It's ok.  Most of us are guilty of doing it.  Eye's wide open and listen to your gut.

She's posted more than once that "he" does X and not she and therefore she doesn't know what to do. It takes two.  So if texting all day isn't motivating him to see her in person and to make actual date plans I would ease up on it.  Anyway I'd be gone because of his sexting plus his telling her he doesn't see serious potential with her.

[OldSoul91]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She's posted more than once that "he" does X and not she and therefore she doesn't know what to do. It takes two.  So if texting all day isn't motivating him to see her in person and to make actual date plans I would ease up on it.  Anyway I'd be gone because of his sexting plus his telling her he doesn't see serious potential with her.

He has progressed to Facetiming me once a day to catch up.  Which is nice, but I have also noticed that his social media posts/activity seem to point to him being hung up on someone else, possibly someone he recently had a relationship with.  So, I'm out.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

So, I'm out.

Good call. It was causing too much strain and angst. But its good  you at least tried to "get out there" and date again.

Think of this as a simple incompatibility situation and an exercise in identifying your red flags and deal breakers early on.

Date more locally. Avoid recently divorce people or single parents. Also heavy drinkers and of course sexters.

Get a profile and pics on some quality dating apps. Consider a paid one (such as a more serious relationship-based on like eHarmony) and a free one. Avoid the hookup apps, like Tinder.