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Is he in it just for sex?


OldSoul91
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I am 34F and a month ago a man (44) who I used to work with reached out to to me and asked me out for a drink. He was going away on a trip and we made plans for when he got back. In that time I resigned myself from the job and my job threw me a going away party. I invited him to it which happened to be the same day he was getting back from his trip. He came straight off the plane to my party. That night after the party he took me out for drinks. It was our first “date.” Several former coworkers saw us walk away together when we were departing, so people naturally put pieces together. We spent 4 hours together. After drinks he walked me to my car and kissed me.  He paid for the drinks and insisted on doing so even when I offered. 
 

The next day he had to be in the area where I work and he asked if I wanted to grab food with him. We met at a popular restaurant near our former place of work. He suggested splitting food. We sat at the bar and he kissed me several times. We were there for 5 hours. I offered to pay and he insisted he was old school so he paid. 
 

The next week he asked me if I wanted to get together and have some wine and watch a show we both like. I got the feeling this implied sex so I said I wasn’t ready for that yet. He said he understood and said he still wanted to see me and suggested drinks again. We met up at a bar halfway between our homes. Again we spent 4 hours together. This time I offered to pay and he let me. 
 

Two days later he asked again if I wanted to get together and watch a show. I kind of alluded to not being ready for sex yet, but not explicitly. He said it was fine, we went to get drinks which he paid for. Then we picked up take out which I paid for and we went back to his place. We made out but he did not pressure me. We did not have sex. 
 

He texts me all day every day. After that last get together the conversations have been much more sexual with a lot of sexting especially at night. I believe he has now taken this to mean I’m ready to have sex because he says he can’t wait to when we see each other again. We haven’t seen each other because he has two kids and he took them to see his parents over spring break, but he will be back this weekend. 
 

Here is what makes me think this is not only for sex: I found out that before he reached out to me he asked a mutual coworker/friend if I was seeing anyone and if she could give him my number. He also didn’t mind being potentially seen with me at the popular restaurant near work. It’s right next door and we all frequent it so the chances of seeing someone there were high. He says things like “I want to bring you here this summer” or “I like that you’re a family oriented person.” 
 

Here’s what makes me think he is in it just for sex: our dates have all been centered around drinking. There hasn’t been a “I’d like to take you to dinner” type date even though he said early on “If I’m lucky enough to take you to dinner..” He is also recently divorced with two kids so maybe he just is low on funds. He is very very attractive and fit and I think he’s way out of my league. 
 

I divorced four years ago and have not dated since then so I have no idea if all this is normal. I’m not into casual sex but I haven’t asked what he’s looking for. How do I gauge this? Does it sound like it’s only sex?

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I know this is going to sound like a very simple answer, but next time you see each other, plan for a proper date where you go for a walk in the park, or a museum, or dinner..but something more along those lines.

Make sure 100% that at the end of the date, it doesn't end up at his house, or yours (or a bar/pub) and that there is no alcohol (drinks) involved, even if he suggests it.

You will both see more clearly if you truly do like one another and are compatible, or not, being totally sober and no chance of it ending up in someone's bed.

Edited by SherrySher
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1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

Here’s what makes me think he is in it just for sex: our dates have all been centered around drinking.

It seems you are being overly cautious. This seems like dating, not hookups or casual sex.

Obviously he doesn't want to be "just friends" so it's unclear why you're so suspicious and keeping him at arms length.

Going for drinks is a typical sort of date idea. If you don't like it, why aren't you planning/suggesting other activities?

How long do you expect/want him to wine and dine you before you trust him?

Edited by Wiseman2
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@Wiseman2 I understand that drinks is a typical sort of date idea, but I feel like none of them were actual dates, just more casual meetups, and then straight to inviting me over on the third meetup.  I am not saying it's unusual to go on casual dates or even be invited over quickly, but it feels a little rushed to me and focused more on sex than on doing things together.

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@SherrySher thanks! The times that we have been out we did have good conversation for a long time, neither of us was drunk, we nursed two drinks for hours.  I'm just concerned because when he first invited me over I said I wasn't ready for an at home date yet, then he suggested it again two days later and I went, and then during a sexting conversation he mentioned sex the next time we see each other.  So I feel like I am getting to the point where I just have to say I'm not interested in casual sex and we never defined what it is we are doing.  In my opinion, our dates so far have been casual, but maybe I'm too old fashioned in my views of dating.  I suppose I don't want to ruin a potentially good thing by being ridiculous or overly cautious, but I also don't want to be taken for a fool.

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4 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I feel like none of them were actual dates, just more casual meetups, and then straight to inviting me over on the third meetup.

Have you suggested any dates? Have you offered to treat for dates?

If you feel guarded, suspicious and not quite ready to date step back.

Why are you sexting him? How much does he have to text every single day or treat you to outings?  How many dinners etc. do you feel is appropriate before someone is allowed to be affectionate?

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@wiseman2 I have not suggested any dates, but I am also afraid of pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want to do.  I have treated while we were out two of the four times we have been out.  He initiated flirty texting and I reciprocated and then it led to sexting.  I do enjoy sexting but I didn't think it meant I was ready for sex.  I don't think there's any set number of dinners or dates before its appropriate to be affectionate - I just don't know what his intentions are, is he looking for something casual, something long term, just hooking up, and since I don't know I'm trying to determine it from the timelines/actions.  I suppose I would have been better off asking up front but I have quite literally never done this before as the last time I dated I was 13. I married my high school boyfriend.

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@Rose Mosse Thank you - I didn't think that perhaps I was giving mixed signals, but I can definitely see that!  Do you have any advice for how I would go about being more clear in what I'm looking for without being "too much."  I am also admittedly insecure because he is much more attractive and fit than I am so I don't feel as confident in what I do and say.

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As SherrySher suggested, if I were you, I'd invite him on a daytime activity that doesn't involve drinking, like going to a Farmer's Market, local festival, hiking in a park, going to an art museum, etc.

A guy who is looking for longterm will be wanting to get to know everything about you and being patient about intimacy.

Either on that date or the next, there is nothing wrong with finding out what his dating/life goals are. I did ask guys I'd been on several dates with something like: So what is your dating style? Do you like to multi-date or do you like to focus on one person at a time? Are you looking for short term or long term?

And then just listen. Of course, some people lie, but hopefully you're intuitive and can see if he sounds genuine or not.

If his dating style matches yours, great. If not, as handsome as he is, tell him you have different goals and so you two will have to go your separate ways.

As for your confidence, work on self-love, or you will attract predators. 

You've been right not to be intimate before being comfortable doing so. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

 

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@Andrina thank you so much!  This is all very difficult for me, and while I do like him, I don't want him to be taking advantage of my insecurity.  I am not into people for their looks, I am much more attracted to personality, I only mentioned his looks because it makes me feel insecure.  He just reached out to me now asking if I had plans on Saturday.  I haven't responded because to be honest if the plan is just to go to his house then I'm not interested.

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5 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Rose Mosse Thank you - I didn't think that perhaps I was giving mixed signals, but I can definitely see that!  Do you have any advice for how I would go about being more clear in what I'm looking for without being "too much."  I am also admittedly insecure because he is much more attractive and fit than I am so I don't feel as confident in what I do and say.

Focus on what you are looking for which is a more meaningful relationship before things progress to sex. If you're not comfortable with so many at-home dates, offer alternatives or suggestions when he asks you to come over.

He's also vulnerable or opening his heart and home to you so offering an alternative is a good way to see whether he's interested in continuing to see you outside of opportunities for sex while not completely disagreeing with his request to meet with you.

Having said this, I think it pays to listen strongly to your instincts and if something is telling you that he is looking for something else different to you, you don't have to over-explain or keep repeating yourself to a person who won't listen or respect where you're coming from.

I'm getting the feeling that you don't feel comfortable around this man and are inhibited and self-conscious. This may not be a match in the long run even though you're trying very hard for it to be one. Don't worry about letting go of people who aren't a good fit for you.

 

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2 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

He just reached out to me now asking if I had plans on Saturday.  I haven't responded because to be honest if the plan is just to go to his house then I'm not interested.

Ok think of something fun to do. He may not know what he wants, since you both barely know each other. If you are too anxious to simply date with the usual getting-to-know-you process, don't date.

Are you attracted to him At All? Do you actually want to date again? He can not, after a handful of dates, make guaranteed commitments. 

You are very guarded. You need to play some things by ear and allow things to develop naturally by having faith in yourself and others. 

Don't punish good men for whatever happened to you to make you this upset/guarded.

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4 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

He just reached out to me now asking if I had plans on Saturday.  I haven't responded because to be honest if the plan is just to go to his house then I'm not interested.

I'd say: I'd love to see you. What did you have in mind? And if it's to his house, say, "Actually, this (name activity) is something that sounds like a lot of fun. How about that?"

If he agrees, see if he spends the day enjoying his time with you. If he asks about your life and doesn't want to just make out and speak of sex.

It can be nerve-wracking to date because you end up having to be vulnerable, not knowing if you're opening up to the right person. You're doing the right thing by observing his behavior, getting to know what he's about, before giving the gift of your body--something not be taken lightly.

 

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9 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I am not comfortable having sex at this stage.

Ok you've already told him this. It's not going to happen if you don't want it to so what's all the excess angst about?

One thing he doesn't want is the friendzone or a textbuddy, so decide what you want..

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I agree with others regarding a date to get to know each other in a different environment.

I am personally turned off by his kissing from dates 2 and 3. It's a bit too soon for me. But that's just me. For me this is moving too soon. However, I'm not sure if he's in it only for sex. Can't fully tell.

What's important is that you stay at the pace in which you are comfortable. Stay out of the house/bedroom for as long as you need to get to know him. Be clear about it when he crosses that boundary. If he's up to truly being with you, he will wait to know you as a person and he'll understand. If not, thank you- next!

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Nobody can tell you what he wants, OP. Is he interested in sex? Yes. But by your behavior so are you. Is he interested in something more than sex? Nobody knows. Dating is complicated these days. He can properly take you out couple of times(which he kinda did already), than have sex and never call you again. He can have sex with you on first date and still be there. Point is, you dont know him enough to know what he would want from dating. Or if he would want that stuff with you. So its OK to be cautious.

However, I do think that you are too hard on the guy. Especially since you did reciprocitate his advances. Ofcourse he expects sex when you sexted him. You need to be better at conveying those stuff and putting boundaries. It comes of as very mixed signals. Especially if it doesnt go anywhere. As he would probably think you are just "jerking his chains". 

I dont think you are doing something terribly wrong. Heck, I think you are doing just fine for now. Just that you need to convey your boundaries properly, relax and see where it goes.

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2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Especially since you did reciprocitate his advances. Ofcourse he expects sex when you sexted him. You need to be better at conveying those stuff and putting boundaries. It comes of as very mixed signals

I agree. If a guy sexts me and I'm not into doing it yet, I would not reciprocate. 

There's no harm in anyone sexting, but if the person on the other end entertains it, then it shows they're into it too. So OP, cut back on the sexting. If he initiates the sexts, change the conversation or don't react much. He'll get the hint.

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58 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Wiseman2 I love the simply dating aspect and getting to know one another.  I am not looking for him to make any commitments at all, but I am not comfortable having sex at this stage.

Then tell him exactly what you wrote above.  If he is only after sex he will disappear but if he really wants to get to know you he will stick around.

 Be brave and say what you are thinking.  Guys like direction from women so we aren't always wondering what you are thinking.  Everyone is different so let him know who you are, your expectations and what you are comfortable with.

Once said and out in the open you both can relax and be your true selves.

Lost

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4 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

I kind of alluded to not being ready for sex yet, but not explicitly. He said it was fine, we went to get drinks which he paid for.. After that last get together the conversations have been much more sexual with a lot of sexting especially at night.

Try not to send mixed messages such as telling him you're not ready for sex but then sexting.

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If he asks you to come over (which is NOT a date!), say "Actually there's a great exhibit at the museum/art gallery/botanic garden I'd like to see. Would you want to do that and then go out for dinner afterward?" And if he agrees and then tries to steer you over to his place after, just tell him you're not comfortable doing that just yet. A man who is truly into you as a whole person will not have trouble waiting.

And yes, stop the sexting! If he protests, just tell him you realize you were sending mixed messages and you prefer to be more straightforward.

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2 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Andrina thank you so much!  This is all very difficult for me, and while I do like him, I don't want him to be taking advantage of my insecurity.  I am not into people for their looks, I am much more attracted to personality, I only mentioned his looks because it makes me feel insecure.  He just reached out to me now asking if I had plans on Saturday.  I haven't responded because to be honest if the plan is just to go to his house then I'm not interested.

I don't think he is taking advantage of you -as you wrote, you weren't explicit one of the times he invited you to his place.  And he has not tried to force you to have sex at all. You need to be more assertive and direct.  Ask him "what are you intentions about us?"  That question -while somewhat vague -will be 100% clear to someone whose intentions are to date you and get to know you for a potentially serious relationship.  Own your insecurities - foisting them on him so you can then say he "took advantage" just isn't fair.  If you can't get over the fact that his good physical features intimidate you he may not be the right person for you.  Good luck!

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