Is he in it just for sex?

[OldSoul91]

@Batya33thank you! I think I just have to be comfortable with saying “I’m not ready for sex yet” and then also just asking what he’s looking for. I have received great advice here, and above all feel more at peace with knowing I’m not insane for wanting to go slower. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

I just want to get to know him before sleeping with him. That’s pretty much it. 

Batya's response above is excellent, and is basically what I was going to say.

It's something I've heard plenty while dating—and something I've said plenty as well—and it always tends to be respected. No need for long explanations: how you're new to this, nervous, how your last experience with romance was rough. You just let someone know who you are—someone who wants to wait a bit to have a sex—and their response will tell you a lot about who they are. 

Speaking for myself, when I was dating—I'm about this guy's age, for whatever that's worth—I found it very frustrating when a woman assumed I was just interested in sex. Because, at least to me, that had a little to do with reading my behavior and a lot to do with their nerves about men. Nerves are understandable. Nerves I respect. But please don't put them on me just because I asked if you wanted to felt like eating dinner on my deck, if that makes sense. 

What I see in your title question ("Is he in it just for sex?") is another question ("Is this man going to hurt me as I've been hurt before?"). The thing about dating is that you can't do anything, ultimately, to avoid getting hurt. People connect, then disconnect. Things fizzle, fade, implode, even when we are very careful about the timing. That's something you have to be somewhat accepting of, with your boundaries important less as a way to ensure there is no pain or pinches of heartache, but to feel secure in your own skin as you explore it all. 

Sorry to hear about the marriage. That sounds awfully hard. It's clear from these posts that you've got a great head on your shoulders, and a strong heart. Best of luck with this. 

[OldSoul91]

@bluecastle thank you for your response! You’re right about what I’m really afraid about. 
 

He also just texted me to find out my plans for the day. I responded that I had some errands but not much else and he responded that he would be home watching a game later if I wanted to come down. Not really sure how to respond to that given all this! 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Batya33thank you! I think I just have to be comfortable with saying “I’m not ready for sex yet” and then also just asking what he’s looking for. I have received great advice here, and above all feel more at peace with knowing I’m not insane for wanting to go slower. 

You do you.  Your personal standards about how you feel about sharing your body.  Please don't ask your friends for validation.  Here is some of the advice/opinions I got from friends over the years (especially when I was still single in my 30s) "settle for him, have kids then get divorced (at least I'd be a mom -that person married the man she was head over heels with, had two kids, got divorced after they each cheated)" "I don't wait to have sex because I want to know what he's like in bed ASAP"  and "get married -it's just a trial marriage (I was 23 and engaged)"  Oh and when I was serious about a boyfriend "I met the perfect man for you today!!! he has dark hair and blue eyes and you said you like dark hair and blue eyes!!"  

Some input is helpful for sure.  From very close and trusted people who share your values.  Or from people who are going to be on your side and simply be supportive and be there as a safe space to open up to. 

But someone else's sexual choices are so individual and there are no "trends" when it comes to it -other than fake ones on social media -same people who extol the virtues of "wipe warmers" for infants and elaborate excuses to keep having parties for a gender reveal, another baby shower, bachelorette "weekends" etc.  and who try to get you to purchase various MLM self care products or to get expensive woo woo type non-professional "therapy" to figure out "what you want".   Ignore ignore ignore.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, OldSoul91 said:

@bluecastle thank you for your response! You’re right about what I’m really afraid about. 
 

He also just texted me to find out my plans for the day. I responded that I had some errands but not much else and he responded that he would be home watching a game later if I wanted to come down. Not really sure how to respond to that given all this! 

Sounds like you're making it too easy for him.  Last minute plans to travel to him and hang out.  How about "glad you're watching the game today -enjoy!  Let me know when you want to make plans to enjoy the beautiful spring weather - I can research some good hikes in the area."

[OldSoul91]

@Batya33yes I suppose I do make it too easy. I don’t really want to drive over an hour today last minute. This is what I mean about it all being very casual. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

He also just texted me to find out my plans for the day. I responded that I had some errands but not much else and he responded that he would be home watching a game later if I wanted to come down.

Just say no. it's that simple, since you told him "running errands" . He seems to be losing interest, so maybe this will just fizzle out naturally.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Batya33yes I suppose I do make it too easy. I don’t really want to drive over an hour today last minute. This is what I mean about it all being very casual. 

This is more like what established couples do -my husband and I would have weekends before we were married where we literally stayed in one of our apartments doing work in the same room and going out for meals or something low key -we were busy, we figured this way we were "together" and might even play monopoly on his old ipad LOL -I know soooo exciting.  But when we were first dating we always made interesting plans -and we also did so when we were serious -just that it also was totally fine to act like an old married couple and stay in like that once we were established, committed, serious.  

Also once you're established you're also spending time at home with other couples -game nights, or get togethers etc - and it's understood you're going to be permanent fixtures in each other's homes so there's no asking out or much scheduling if the deal is that you're together all weekend basically every weekend and maybe a day or two mid week if possible. It's a different dynmaic where if things get stale both people then try to make plans. 

But in the beginning I personally feel both people should be about getting to know each other at least partly through shared activities- hiking, picnic, museum, the theater, interesting ethnic food in a new neighborhood - doesn't need to be pricey.  My husband is all about his baseball team and watching the games on TV when he can but he's equally into all sorts of activities and we travel a lot -and when we travel there's no "oh there's a game on" - we're out and about and exploring. 

Depends what you want - I respect those couples who want to start out dating with hanging out /hooking up/having sex, being homebodies -totally their call.  But you do not want that. And that's valid and ok!!!

[OldSoul91]

@Batya33yes and that’s the thing - I am a homebody to some degree! And maybe he feels a level of comfort with me because we have known each other for so long, or maybe he’s just trying to get me there to have sex. I don’t know, and that’s the part that bothers me. My plans are kind of in flux today as I mentioned to him I may be going to a friend’s celebration later on. I told him while I’d love to see him I won’t be coming down today. He responded that it was an open offer. I feel much better after saying no. I do like him and I do enjoy spending time with him, but I need to be more vocal about what I want too. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/22/2022 at 7:21 AM, OldSoul91 said:

I am 34F and a month ago a man (44) who I used to work with reached out to to me and asked me out for a drink. The next day he had to be in the area where I work and he asked if I wanted to grab food with him. 

Since you weren't on dating apps or looking to date again perhaps you're not ready. He approached you and you were wary and hesitant from the start. Even though he did try to wine and dine you.

Remember also that no man is a professional hero romcom dater. Perhaps he is on a budget, perhaps he's used to being just human, just a dad. Not prince charming.

Remember you don't "have to" get out there and date if you don't want to. But keep in mind dating is a hit-or-miss situation.

You'll have to judge for yourself if you're a good fit. This man seems tired of asking you out for drinks, meals, whatever.

In the future try not to be passive and know when to cut your losses if you don't trust someone or their motives. Sometimes you'll just get plain old men just trying to date.

Reject all you want, but as long as you punish  decent men  for your husband's sins, you'll stay quite stuck in suspicions and supposed evil motives.

[bluecastle]

25 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@bluecastle thank you for your response! You’re right about what I’m really afraid about. 
 

He also just texted me to find out my plans for the day. I responded that I had some errands but not much else and he responded that he would be home watching a game later if I wanted to come down. Not really sure how to respond to that given all this! 

Do you want to hang out and watch a game with him, without having sex? If yes, I’d let him know that sounds great. If you’d like to do something else, like dinner tomorrow night, I’d present that. Simple. It’s really simple. 

For whatever it’s worth, I have a pretty casual personality, meaning that when I was dating I’d maybe spontaneously suggest a drink on my balcony. I wasn’t thinking: sex, sex, sex. I was thinking: I’m sitting here, we’re texting, weather is nice, feel like a hang? If someone instead suggested dinner, or a gallery, or whatever else I’d also likely suggest, great. 

You don’t want to get hurt. I get it. But like I said, that’s not 100 percent preventable. If sex increases attachment for you, keep it at bay a bit. Again, simple. This guy does not sound like a shark to me. 

[OldSoul91]

@Wiseman2 I was on dating apps but to be honest was too self conscious to meet up with anyone because I was nervous they wouldn’t like me in person. With him I felt comfortable going because he already knew me. I can see how he would be tired of suggesting dates. I am like this with everyone. I don’t like putting people on the spot so I just wait until they want to hang out. It’s a flaw, I know. 

[OldSoul91]

@bluecastle I most certainly would like to just watch a game with him. But when we were sexting a few days ago he said something like “can’t wait to actually have sex with you. Maybe Saturday!” So I know it’s on his mind even if he’s not saying it now. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I was on dating apps but to be honest was too self conscious to meet up with anyone because I was nervous they wouldn’t like me in person. With him I felt comfortable going because he already knew me. I can see how he would be tired of suggesting dates. I am like this with everyone.

Ok, you seem to have insight that's it's you not that he's a pump and dump creep who's "only after one thing" because he has the nerve, the gall to suggest a more casual less expensive type of date.

Ok make them jump through hoops, but you'll find the losers with that strategy.

Just say no to the TV date. Unfortunately you led him on with the sexting.

[bluecastle]

9 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

And maybe he feels a level of comfort with me because we have known each other for so long, or maybe he’s just trying to get me there to have sex. I don’t know, and that’s the part that bothers me.

I would look at it differently. Let’s say he would like to have sex with you right now, and is ready. Not because that’s “just” what he wants but because it’s “something” that sounds like a nice thing to do together. That does not mean you “have” to do this, and if he lost interest because you didn’t sleep with him? Well, great. He showed you something important that would let you know he’s not the dude for you. 

Personal stories:

When dating, a woman invited me to her home after our third date for a drink. I went. She was ready to have sex. I wasn’t. We had a nice time, but it fizzled out. 

I have been in situations where the roles are reversed, as well as those where we have sex. Some of those people became girlfriends, others did not. The ones I hoped to keep seeing who were no longer into me? That stung a bit, as I’m sure it stung when I lost interest. This is dating. My attitude is it all had nothing to do with sex, but just a variety of factors, since the same things happened (getting stung, being the stinger) without sex and I don’t really believe people are snakes at their core, but more like clumsy and compelling creatures. Such is life. 

But key point: I was open to being stung, because I knew you can’t connect without being open to that, just like you can’t go on a road trip if you are scared of a car. 

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

But when we were sexting a few days ago he said something like “can’t wait to actually have sex with you. Maybe Saturday!” So I know it’s on his mind even if he’s not saying it now. 

Okay, I get it. Then again, if a woman sexted with me I might think she’s into having sex with me and be more comfortable making a saucy statement like that. And, hey, if she cleared it up that she was just being a bit flirty in the moment and moving a touch quicker than she wanted? All good. We tap the brakes together, watch a game, make out, see each other again. 

 

[OldSoul91]

@bluecastlethank you for sharing. I agree I have to get over the fear of getting hurt. I was trying to play it safe this entire time. 

[OldSoul91]

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Okay, I get it. Then again, if a woman sexted with me I might think she’s into having sex with me and be more comfortable making a saucy statement like that. And, hey, if she cleared it up that she was just being a bit flirty in the moment and moving a touch quicker than she wanted? All good. We tap the brakes together, watch a game, make out, see each other again. 

 

Oh I definitely agree. I know looking back that I have mixed signals. I do like the sexting because I am attracted to him. I just didn’t think about what it would imply because I was in the moment. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Nobody is damaged here.

Unfortunately being in a bad marriage, cheated on and kicked out of your home causes a lot of damage. Not irreparable, but something to take into account regarding the fear and confusion. Take your time. You don't seem ready to date.

[OldSoul91]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you seem to have insight that's it's you not that he's a pump and dump creep who's "only after one thing" because he has the nerve, the gall to suggest a more casual less expensive type of date.

Ok make them jump through hoops, but you'll find the losers with that strategy.

Just say no to the TV date. Unfortunately you led him on with the sexting.

I 100% see where I’m in the wrong. And I see how I sent mixed signals by sexting. I have no issues with an expensive date vs. an inexpensive date. I would be happy doing something that was zero dollars. 

[DarkCh0c0]

18 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

But when we were sexting a few days ago he said something like “can’t wait to actually have sex with you. Maybe Saturday!” So I know it’s on his mind even if he’s not saying it now. 

Aiaiaiii you should have added this part. I don't like that. It's not classy from a man to talk about it this way when dating someone they are serious about and are getting to know them. For me, I'd be turned off and think he's fooling around.

Hold the brakes on the sexting. If you go, and he doesn't like you say no, then it's your sign he's not that into you and you need to leave. 

I get that he's too safe and comfortable for you. But you need to put yourself out there and know that there are different and better matches for you out there. Step by step.

[bluecastle]

2 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@bluecastlethank you for sharing. I agree I have to get over the fear of getting hurt. I was trying to play it safe this entire time. 

But you’re not playing it safe. You’re scared to get hurt and scared to lose him, so you’re being guided by those two opposing fears. Back to the driving analogy: drive a car when you’re both scared of crashing and scared of driving slow because other drivers might think you’re lame, and what happens? You crash. Because you were not being safe.  

Playing it safe, or really just being safe, is being clear with where you are and what you want. Doesn’t have to be declarative statements, but it can be: “I’m not ready for sex yet.” But also: “Watching a game sounds fun, but I’m feeling like trying that sushi spot. Around tonight or tomorrow?” This way you get to know someone, the thing you say you want, and you give someone a chance to get to know you. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately being in a bad marriage, cheated on and kicked out of your home causes a lot of damage

It's not "damage". It's a scar she needs to be proud of and she's grown from. 

*** happens and that doesn't mean anyone is damaged. 

OP what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You're doing fine and you'll do better with time. Step by step.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I would be happy doing something that was zero dollars. 

But you won't plan that. You want dinner, movies, lunch, drinks, him cooking with you, etc.

Men can not really be tasked to lick your wounds from the damage your husband did.

[OldSoul91]

@bluecastleah I see your point! I care too much about what people think of me. It often gets me into bigger problems than if I had just been honest.