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Is he in it just for sex?


OldSoul91
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4 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@bluecastleah I see your point! I care too much about what people think of me. It often gets me into bigger problems than if I had just been honest. 

So there you go, some good personal insight to ground you a bit. Remember, no one can get to know you if you are just trying to be what you think they want. Doesn’t matter if you wait years for sex. 

Of course, this is also part of dating, this little dance: what we reveal, what we conceal, much of it unconscious. You’re wading back into these waters, and doing great figuring it all out. 

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10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Aiaiaiii you should have added this part. I don't like that. It's not classy from a man to talk about it this way when dating someone they are serious about and are getting to know them. For me, I'd be turned off and think he's fooling around.

Hold the brakes on the sexting. If you go, and he doesn't like you say no, then it's your sign he's not that into you and you need to leave. 

I get that he's too safe and comfortable for you. But you need to put yourself out there and know that there are different and better matches for you out there. Step by step.

He has mentioned that he is out of practice in the dating world so I can see where perhaps he was just going with the flow of the conversation and also stumbling along like I am. 

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47 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

He has mentioned that he is out of practice in the dating world so I can see where perhaps he was just going with the flow of the conversation and also stumbling along like I am.

I dunno. If you're into someone but 'out of practice,' wouldn't you make an extra effort to be on your best behavior and not use that as an excuse to stumble through and 'wing it?' Especially with something like sexting, where your love interest might get the idea that you're only after sex? 

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I think this guy actually has taken you out on dates but I guess they don't seem to match what you consider to be a date? In my opinion a date really can be anything as long as the two people who go on the date are both aware that there is a romantic vibe and it's a date.

I've done a lot of dating, especially online dating. With online dating in particular the first two or three dates were usually just getting a coffee or something to eat. I guess it was a combination of both of us not wanting to spend too much money if it didn't work out and also keeping it low key. Some people may also be unsure what type of dates to suggest until they get to know someone more, so they just jump straight to coffee or getting food. 

If you consider going for dinner and to the cinema a better date to have, I also agree with some of the other posters that you should probably suggest those dates. If you're worried that he's just after sex, you'll get to see his reactions when you suggest activities that are out in public.

I also think that yes some people want to have sex after maybe three dates but that doesn't mean that they JUST want sex. Some people just don't wait long to have sex and some do. If you would like to wait longer then by all means you should do what feels right to YOU. One sign that this guy doesn't just want sex would be that he won't push for it.

Also I think sometimes when people have sex earlier with someone they actually really like, it doesn't change anything. And if they're not into you then they just have sex and maybe it doesn't go anywhere else. But it's not necessarily because they only wanted sex but it's because they're not feeling that "spark". Maybe if they found the right person then they'd actually want a relationship.

I think if you're feeling worried about this guy's intentions then it's probably a good idea to keep going on more dates and see how it goes.

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3 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

@bluecastle I most certainly would like to just watch a game with him. But when we were sexting a few days ago he said something like “can’t wait to actually have sex with you. Maybe Saturday!” So I know it’s on his mind even if he’s not saying it now. 

I wouldn't see him again after getting that text unless it was in response to you saying something very similar.  I'd be done.  How tacky and disrespectful.

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Girl you have the power to just say NO. I have been in that position many times where sex was expected. I just grabbed my keys and left. I remember one guy begging me to stay. MMMM no not having it. Just be strong, be true to yourself. You are old enough to know you don't have to do it if you don't want to. When you have confidence in yourself you can navigate any situation without any problem. Stop feeling so guilty about what he wants...I say too frickin bad for him.

Edited by smackie9
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7 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Wiseman2 He had been cheating for awhile with his secretary and I didn’t even realize it. I would bring them both food for lunch when I was around. Never thought twice about it because I trusted him completely. He was neglectful and constantly comparing me to others, but I internalized that and thought I just needed to be better. One random Sunday he asked me to make muffins. Before they were done he told me he wanted a divorce and needed some space. I left that moment thinking I would be back at some point and he just needed room.

That's horrible. Your ex-husband sounds like an awful man. As far as this man, maybe you're just incompatible. However while it's understandable you are gun shy, at some point, to find love again you'll need to take an occasional chance/risk. Not all men will turn out to be the rat your ex turned out to be. 

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6 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

@bluecastle I most certainly would like to just watch a game with him. But when we were sexting a few days ago he said something like “can’t wait to actually have sex with you. Maybe Saturday!” So I know it’s on his mind even if he’s not saying it now. 

"Whoa! Hold your horses there, sport."

I can appreciate your concerns about this guy. I would not head over there to watch the game.

I'd see how he responds to my invitation for a walk through a museum or a park or something and name a date. If he's lukewarm about that, then he's not aligned with your reasons for dating, and I'd just leap from his radar.

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Update for anyone interested. He invited me over again today.  I agreed. A few hours later he cancelled saying he had a lot to do for work. I took that as my chance to be open since I was planning on saying it before I went to see him anyway. I let him know that while I liked him I was not ready for sex. I also apologized for giving mixed signals and said that if he was looking for something more casual and my timeline didn’t work for him I would understand. And ended it by saying I wanted to be upfront and honest so that nothing ended up being a miscommunication or a disappointment. He responded right away and said I could never be a disappointment. He said he likes being around me with or without sex. He’s not sure what he’s looking for but he’s perfectly happy taking it slow and seeing where things go. He later texted again about random daily life things. 

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52 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

Update for anyone interested. He invited me over again today.  I agreed. A few hours later he cancelled saying he had a lot to do for work. I took that as my chance to be open since I was planning on saying it before I went to see him anyway. I let him know that while I liked him I was not ready for sex. I also apologized for giving mixed signals and said that if he was looking for something more casual and my timeline didn’t work for him I would understand. And ended it by saying I wanted to be upfront and honest so that nothing ended up being a miscommunication or a disappointment. He responded right away and said I could never be a disappointment. He said he likes being around me with or without sex. He’s not sure what he’s looking for but he’s perfectly happy taking it slow and seeing where things go. He later texted again about random daily life things. 

I'm glad you were direct with him.  He was direct with you too.  He doesn't see serious potential with you yet.  (I'd ignore the general comment - assume he means "I'm not sure what I am looking for with you") - He wants to spend time with you and if past behavior indicates future he would prefer it be casual where you travel to him and there's little effort in making some sort of plan or doing any activities.  

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8 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

. He’s not sure what he’s looking for but he’s perfectly happy taking it slow and seeing where things go. 

You're both still talking to and meeting others, so both of you can move on and meet someone more compatible.

He's not the big bad wolf you thought he was, but he's also not Mr player, just telling you all about what the future will hold.

How can a recently divorced dad map out precisely everything in a disney fashion, when he's just vulnerable enough to tell you he's not a professional dater and just stumbling along too.

All things point to just wanting to date and get to know you, not the suspicions "men want just one thing" approach you were taking.

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11 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

He invited me over again today.  I agreed. A few hours later he cancelled saying he had a lot to do for work.

It sounds like he's all over the place. Flip-flopping like this with last-minute plans and sudden cancellations is not a sign of seriousness. How did he not know that he had a lot of work when he invited you over? Sounds fishy to me.

Regardless, I'm glad this came out:

11 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

He’s not sure what he’s looking for but he’s perfectly happy taking it slow and seeing where things go.

He may not be "just in it for sex," but now you know he's definitely not focused on building a serious relationship with you. And that makes sense, given that he's recently divorced.

Have you considered dating other people? This might be a good time for you to start dipping your toe in the dating pool again (don't dive in head first!!).

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On 4/22/2022 at 7:21 AM, OldSoul91 said:

He is also recently divorced with two kids so maybe he just is low on funds. He is very very attractive and fit and I think he’s way out of my league.

You seem to need to be more confident. Perhaps he's not ready to date 

However as long as you feel prejudice towards men, neither are you.

How would you feel dating a guy who thinks "women are just out for money"? Would you want a guy with that kind of chip on his shoulder because of his bad marriage/ cheating ex, whatever?

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to need to be more confident. Perhaps he's not ready to date 

How would you feel dating a guy who thinks "women are just out for money"? Would you want a guy with that kind of chip on his shoulder because of his bad marriage/ cheating ex, whatever?

I definitely need to work on my confidence 100%!

I do not think all men are just out for sex. I thought perhaps he was based on some of his actions. 

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6 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I definitely need to work on my confidence 100%!

I do not think all men are just out for sex. I thought perhaps he was based on some of his actions. 

You are right though, don't let people make you doubt yourself.

This guy has not asked you formally for a date. He has not taken you to an upscale restaurant and treated you properly.

He has not romanced you, or let you know that he wants to be exclusive and then only wants to be intimate when YOU'RE ready.

In fact every single "date" does sound like he is trying to hook up.

Pubs, or bars, lots of alcohol, trying to see if you will take him home or go over to his place, sexting...all classic signs that he is wanting a hook up.

He should be treating you better, or at least trying to somewhat impress you with really nice dates and no alcohol in sight.

You are correct that he's not exactly doing his best to see if he can romance you properly.

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34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Find a man who thinks of the potential, the future, the sort of impression he's making on you

YES!

My now husband knew I was massively nervous about dating. He never once pushed me about anything.

He also went very slow with everything and concentrated on building a strong friendship with me but also romancing me.

Romancing in terms of, telling me how special I was to him, him putting in efforts such as texting me good morning, and good night.

Asking me how my day was, letting me know he was thinking of me.

Buying me a little gift just to surprise me for no reason at all.

Making efforts to make any dates we had very special. No sex, no alcohol and no mention of either one.

In fact, my husband didn't try to make any moves on me at all ( no talk of sex, no asking to come to my house or me to his), for a few months (yes, months!).

I was sincerely nervous and had a hard time trusting men after what my ex did to me.

But when we were dating, my now husband understood that, and wanted to make me feel, safe, cared for, special, important.

He never, ever pushed, or ever made me feel uncomfortable.

Find a man who treats you like that, and not one who wants to make half efforts and with next to no romance at all.

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He didn't kiss me then.  I asked him why he hadn't later after our first actual kiss. He said 'I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage when you asked me to help put on the necklace."  Find a man who thinks of the potential, the future, the sort of impression he's making on you, who puts in the effort whether he buys you a gorgeous necklace, stocks your favorite brand of honey mustard at his place for you, or waits patiently while you run into Target cause you ran out of hair scrunchies.

I think what you said here hits very close to home.  I am someone who ALWAYS thinks about how what I am saying may be interpreted and I try very hard not to make someone feel uncomfortable.  So it is upsetting that he didn't really seem to care how he was coming across.  In some ways he seems to actually care about conversation.  For example, last night he reached out about a new book he was excited to read and then asked me what I was reading and we had a long conversation about books and our favorite literature professors, etc.  It was a nice "getting to know you" conversation.  

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3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

This guy has not asked you formally for a date. He has not taken you to an upscale restaurant and treated you properly.

He has not romanced you, or let you know that he wants to be exclusive and then only wants to be intimate when YOU'RE ready.

In fact every single "date" does sound like he is trying to hook up.

OP that's what you need to know.

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50 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I think what you said here hits very close to home.  I am someone who ALWAYS thinks about how what I am saying may be interpreted and I try very hard not to make someone feel uncomfortable.  So it is upsetting that he didn't really seem to care how he was coming across.  In some ways he seems to actually care about conversation.  For example, last night he reached out about a new book he was excited to read and then asked me what I was reading and we had a long conversation about books and our favorite literature professors, etc.  It was a nice "getting to know you" conversation.  

Was it a "getting to know you" conversation though? Or was he merely lonely for the time being and still not taking you seriously for a long term partner?

I'm not trying to be a debbie downer, here, I promise. I am saying this to help you protect yourself.

He sounds as though he has made little efforts for you, and you've just said he doesn't seem to care how he came across to you, which is a huge red flag.

Please don't overlook those things.

He's also hesitated on even taking about being exclusive or wanting a serious relationship.

We can try and justify it all day long, but in truth, he sounds like a man who gets lonely now and then and wants to use you for the time being, but he's not treating you like you're someone special that he's actively pursuing because he wants to have something serious with you.

It truly does sound like a fish you need to throw back.

Despite him having his own hardships(divorced, not sure what he wants, etc.), you don't need to settle and be someone's for now and accept half hearted treatment.

You deserve better.

Edited by SherrySher
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Not to minimize your concerns, but a funny moment in therapy keeps coming to mind.

I had a male therapist, similar in age and while voicing my concerns over a similar scenario and wondering what the intentions were of a man I was dating. . I set up the funny response by saying something about the possibility of my date wanting sex.  Therapists response (jokingly)"Duh!  If a man likes you, trust me, he is thinking about having sex with you"  

I get it isn't about whether or not he wants to have sex.   This is highly likely it's a given.  It's about the intention.

This is more about you learning to trust yourself and unapologetically own your own timing.  You don't need to defend it to anyone.  If he's worth it, he'll respect that and be patient about it.  If not, he's not for you.  It sounds very much like he is.  Come from a place of confidence and stop reminding him.  It shows your insecurity and fear.

Good luck!

Edited by reinventmyself
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