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Is he in it just for sex?


OldSoul91
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8 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

I have also noticed that his social media posts/activity seem to point to him being hung up on someone else, possibly someone he recently had a relationship with.

What exactly points to this? 

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10 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What exactly points to this? 

Very heartbroken type posts like:
"two people who are meant to be will always find their way back"
"if you love someone tell them, risk is better than regret"
Posts a picture of a place he really likes and then says "there's only one other place in the world I would rather be."

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1 minute ago, OldSoul91 said:

Very heartbroken type posts like:
"two people who are meant to be will always find their way back"
"if you love someone tell them, risk is better than regret"
Posts a picture of a place he really likes and then says "there's only one other place in the world I would rather be."

Sigh. 

Yeah, factor in that the same fingers typing that are the ones sending sexts and you've got a not-cute portrait of a dude in the spins. Time to step away with grace. Dude needs to sort himself out.

Hopefully all this doesn't leave a sour taste, as it seems to have been fun and informative, helping you navigate the world of dating a bit.

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5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sigh. 

Yeah, factor in that the same fingers typing that are the ones sending sexts and you've got a not-cute portrait of a dude in the spins. Time to step away with grace. Dude needs to sort himself out.

Hopefully all this doesn't leave a sour taste, as it seems to have been fun and informative, helping you navigate the world of dating a bit.

agreed.  What does it mean to be in the spins?

It's unfortunate because he seems to be sexting less and reaching out more to just talk.  At the very least I am no longer afraid to go on a first date.

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10 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

agreed.  What does it mean to be in the spins?

It's unfortunate because he seems to be sexting less and reaching out more to just talk.  At the very least I am no longer afraid to go on a first date.

His ego needs soothing. It makes him feel better to imagine you're sitting there waiting for him.

I've been guilty of this on a lesser level. When my ex did things that hurt my feelings I'd call one of my male friends because I knew they'd prop me up. Not in a romantic or sexual way, but it made me feel like not everyone was going to hurt me.

'In the spins" means he's emotionally frazzled and doesn't feel like he's on a solid footing. He's waffling back and forth between wanting someone he can't be with and wanting someone else to numb the pain. It's not a great place for him to be and it definitely isn't a great place for you to be.

But yeah, you've gone for a swim in the dating pool so that's good. Just remember you do own a voice, and it's not "pressuring" someone to ask for or suggest a date idea. 

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12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

In the spins" means he's emotionally frazzled and doesn't feel like he's on a solid footing. He's waffling back and forth between wanting someone he can't be with and wanting someone else to numb the pain. It's not a great place for him to be and it definitely isn't a great place for you to be.

Perfectly articulated. 

Doesn't make him (or all men) awful. Just means that, like a spinning propeller blade, keeping your distance is wise. 

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I'm glad you will ending this charade. He is communicating with you because it's an ego boost for him that you have a crush on him. That's the total extent of it. I've briefly been in your shoes a few times before realizing this and then making a clean exit. I hope you won't be entertaining friendship with him. You should go no contact now, because believe me, when he eventually finds someone he wants to date, he won't even want to be friends, and hurt you all over again. Make a clean break now so you can devote your time to activities and people that are good for your soul.

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you saw that on his social media.  It's so passive and kind of cowardly on his part. On to bigger and better things!

Yes that was hard! Now I have to figure out how to end it without being a horrible person. He texts me first every single time from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep and all throughout the day. I never ever reach out first. I’m not a fan of ghosting but I also don’t feel right bringing up the reasons especially the social media parts. 

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13 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

Yes that was hard! Now I have to figure out how to end it without being a horrible person. He texts me first every single time from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep and all throughout the day. I never ever reach out first. I’m not a fan of ghosting but I also don’t feel right bringing up the reasons especially the social media parts. 

Simple text "hope you're doing well! I've realized on reflection we don't have enough in common for it to make sense for us to continue seeing each other.  I hope you are well and I wish you the best.  [name]

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14 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

Very heartbroken type posts like:
"two people who are meant to be will always find their way back"
"if you love someone tell them, risk is better than regret"
Posts a picture of a place he really likes and then says "there's only one other place in the world I would rather be."

Lol, is he a 16 year old girl with "They can hurt me but they cant hurt me" posts? Its so cringy.

Anyway, he probably isnt something for long term now, whether because of ex-wife or some other girl. So yes, its better to nip that through. Be direct, say this isnt what you are looking for and go "no contact" after that. 

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1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

 I also don’t feel right bringing up the reasons especially the social media parts. 

There's zero reason to provide an exit interview or "reasons". Simply say 'you're not a match' then delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. No reason, after some casual dates, to make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

Now I have to figure out how to end it without being a horrible person. He texts me first every single time from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep and all throughout the day. I never ever reach out first. I’m not a fan of ghosting but I also don’t feel right bringing up the reasons especially the social media parts. 

You really need to change the reel that goes on inside your head. People are not "horrible" for ending contact in a dating situation, nor any other situation like a friendship that one has outgrown. You're back in the dating scene, so you'll have to get used to either you pulling the plug or the guy pulling the plug. It's necessary while looking for the keeper.

And the fact he texts all day yet isn't chomping at the bit to see you, and especially how he's only mustered booty invites where you have to spend a lot of gas money going to his place, should make this extremely easy for you.

After you send a text like: I'm seeking something different in a relationship, so it's best we go no contact. I wish you the best.

And then either block him, or look at his response. If it's arguing the point, don't even respond. Just block. Be strong for yourself. Your mind will then be free to bond with someone else when that time comes to pass. Good luck!

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You're not being "horrible". He hasn't acted particularly interested in truly starting something meaningful with you anyway as he is apparently still hung up on his ex. 

After you politely explain you're choosing to move on and you wish him the best, I recommend doing some work on your codependent tendencies. Allowing your codependency to steer your ship could get you into all sorts of situations you don't really need to be in.

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