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Is he in it just for sex?


OldSoul91
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@boltnrun I'm glad you agree that it's not a date! I think there's a difference between saying "Let's cook together" for example, and "come over."  I know that logically steering the date in a different direction is a good way to handle this, but I then get anxious that I'm just forcing someone to do something they aren't interested in doing.

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2 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@boltnrun I'm glad you agree that it's not a date! I think there's a difference between saying "Let's cook together" for example, and "come over."  I know that logically steering the date in a different direction is a good way to handle this, but I then get anxious that I'm just forcing someone to do something they aren't interested in doing.

My first date with my husband he wanted to take me to a steakhouse for dinner. I told him I would like to do sushi. He never had sushi before and was a little nervous about it. We went, and like a trooper he tried everything I ordered. He ended up being a huge fan of da sushi. Let just say he passed 🙂 On our 32nd anniversary I let him take me to a steakhouse as a compromise lol. 

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@batya33 I agree that I am placing my insecurities on him.  I'm trying not to and trying to look at it from all the different perspectives.  My issue is I am afraid of asking what his intentions are and coming across too needy.

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1 minute ago, OldSoul91 said:

@batya33 I agree that I am placing my insecurities on him.  I'm trying not to and trying to look at it from all the different perspectives.  My issue is I am afraid of asking what his intentions are and coming across too needy.

You don't have to ask what his intentions are but you can most certainly let him know what your expectations are. 

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Just now, OldSoul91 said:

@batya33 I agree that I am placing my insecurities on him.  I'm trying not to and trying to look at it from all the different perspectives.  My issue is I am afraid of asking what his intentions are and coming across too needy.

No - don't try.  Do it.  Feel insecure, react by being a giving person who doesn't subject him to your insecurities.  You won't come across as needy at all if you simply ask.  You are in your 30s and he is in his 40s. He's asked you out a number of times.  You simply wish to know if there is a purpose in him asking you out -casual dating? Friendship? A sexual arrangement? To see if there is serious potential?  

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Just now, smackie9 said:

You don't have to ask what his intentions are but you can most certainly let him know what your expectations are. 

Certainly -two sides of the same coin.  When I was 36 I dated a man who was 40.  He wanted to have sex 6 weeks in and I wasn't ready and we weren't exclusive - he wanted to be monogamous if we had sex, but be able to "have coffee" with other women.  I took a deep breath -he was handsome! -and I said "flings are not my style and are not my style with you."  He got it.  100%.  We became exclusive.  And here's the truth - the reason why I had to bring it up was because he wasn't that into me. I was that into him. He ended things 4 months later. He'd never really been in love with me.  

Typically a man who is into you will want you to know ASAP that he is into you for serious reasons -to see if there is potential for something long term.  He won't want you to get away and meet someone else.  There are exceptions.  Since you are very focused on the meaning of his "netflix and chill" "dates" you might need to find out more in a direct way. Either by asking or stating your expectations. 

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@batya33 I found such a sense of relief reading your comment about the man you dated when 36.  I have been starting to feel like I am in the wrong for not wanting to have sex after just a few meet ups.  My own friends have made me feel weird about it.  Like others have said I feel like I gave the wrong impression by engaging in the sexting.  So now I'll need to backtrack and not quite sure how to approach it! Did you just ask him what he intended or did you tell him what you wanted or both? I guess I just have to rip the bandaid off and say it!

But seriously, this has been weighing on me heavily and your comment brought me comfort.

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13 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

My issue is I am afraid of asking what his intentions are and coming across too needy.

Wanting to know this is not being needy. The issue is not to waste time on someone if their dating goals don't match yours.

When I was single and did OLD, I rejected meeting with one guy because after speaking on the phone, I found out he had his 5 year old son every single weekend and every Wednesday. This was the opposite of the ideal for me. I stopped dating one guy because when I asked him his dating style, I found out it took him a really long time to decide who he would exclusively date while multi-dating. Once I get to the point of kissing someone, I prefer focusing on one person and prefer someone who does the same, so he did not match me.

You're not being needy. In fact, you would be an intelligent person for asking so that you're not investing your precious time and emotional energy into someone who doesn't want the same as you. On the other hand, if he claims to want the same as you, you can move forward in the same direction with a wait-and-see attitude. 

There are no guarantees, but being alert to what you're observing, and what your gut tells you, will help you decide if a person is a good risk for your heart or not.

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1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

I know that logically steering the date in a different direction is a good way to handle this, but I then get anxious that I'm just forcing someone to do something they aren't interested in doing.

He obviously isn't worried about this, so why should you? And no one suggested you "force" him. I recommended you ask him. Not force. If he's not into museums and instead suggests a ball game or a movie, would that be him "forcing" you? 

You're allowing your fear to steer your ship. And that gets you nowhere except where you don't really want to go. What is it you're afraid of really? Of "scaring him off"? If you suggesting a museum date makes him run for the hills, he wasn't really into you to begin with, was he? And of course you want to date a man who enjoys spending time with you, not one who you have to tiptoe around out of fear of saying or doing something that turns him off.

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7 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

I got the feeling this implied sex so I said I wasn’t ready for that yet. He said he understood and said he still wanted to see me

Two days later he asked again if I wanted to get together and watch a show. I kind of alluded to not being ready for sex yet, but not explicitly. He said it was fine, we went to get drinks which he paid for.

He seems to respect you and tells you he understands at home dates are not comfortable yet.

If he were "only out for sex", he would not keep coming back.

It's unclear why you are depicting an interested man as a horny wolf out to hurt you.

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@wiseman2 I'm not depicting him negatively, I am just giving all parts of the story.  He has great qualities too.  He keeps suggesting at home dates even after I said I wasn't comfortable with them.  But I understand there can be many reasons for that.

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1 hour ago, OldSoul91 said:

have been starting to feel like I am in the wrong for not wanting to have sex after just a few meet ups.  My own friends have made me feel weird about it.

Stick to your standards. No need to rush here. You need to know someone and sex is a very intimate act. You have every right to do it at your own pace. Doesn't matter what other people say. Listen to your inner voice! And if your gut is telling you that man is giving signs that he wants sex, then you're wise to be the look out for your own needs.

12 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

He keeps suggesting at home dates even after I said I wasn't comfortable with them.

Meh, it doesn't fly for me. Suggest him outings and see how he reacts. Also, if he's already too comfortable just dating at home... That might mean he's not that into you to make romantic efforts/get to know you or its an incompatibly. I would feel like he has no life/interest outside netflix, food, and bed. Which is... A turn off for some- sex aside. It might also be that he wants sex. Can't tell until you ask him to keep dates outdoors for a while and then watch!

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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5 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

@batya33 I found such a sense of relief reading your comment about the man you dated when 36.  I have been starting to feel like I am in the wrong for not wanting to have sex after just a few meet ups.  My own friends have made me feel weird about it.  Like others have said I feel like I gave the wrong impression by engaging in the sexting.  So now I'll need to backtrack and not quite sure how to approach it! Did you just ask him what he intended or did you tell him what you wanted or both? I guess I just have to rip the bandaid off and say it!

But seriously, this has been weighing on me heavily and your comment brought me comfort.

I was sexual with men a bit earlier on - maybe a handful of dates depending on how we met, other factors - but full on sexual intercourse -typically waited months until we were exclusive, in love, with serious potential for marriage and where we both would have married had I gotten pregnant (yes I used excellent protection -but you never know) Who cares what anyone else thinks or does differently?  Some men rejected me -usually early on and I was happy to learn early on they did not want to wait so I could move on.  Most men were totally fine with waiting and many had the same values as me -did not want to have sex outside of a committed, serious, loving relationship.

Stick to your standards and values.  The guy I described was an exception I made.  I regretted that exception and thankfully I didn't get pregnant.  I think in your situation you might be overreacting since he has not pressured you for sex.  

Edited by Batya33
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7 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

My own friends have made me feel weird about it.

YOUR body, YOUR choice. You set the timeline. Forget what your friends say.
Obviously, he either respects you BOTH waiting, or he can leave. He will definitely show you who he is, once you put your foot down.

You either want to continue seeing him, or not. If so, you do it in public only.  You can have these conversations in public (a park bench, while walking, etc.), or on the phone. BUT, you do need to voice what you're looking for AT THIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE. He either accepts what you tell him, or not.

If you respect yourself enough to say how you feel and what you want, his reaction will not matter to you. Meaning, if speaking up causes him to leave, are you okay with that?

Please, NO more sexting; mixed signals.

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Internal conflict comes if you invest in wanting to 'keep' someone rather than wanting to learn whether they're actually a great match for you.

If you're afraid to rock the boat, you won't show that person who you are, and that asks them to fall in love with your mask.

That's a high stress place to be.

I'd meet him out for an activity followed by a meal, and while relaxing over food I'd raise the topic of how I view dating.

I'd explain that I view myself as relationship material, and so my reason for dating is to meet a good potential match for a relationship. I'd ask if he views himself the same way.

Then I'd listen.

If no, or not sure, or if he drops the dreaded 'casual,' then that would tell me we're not aligned. I'd enjoy the rest of our date, then I'd let him know that I've really enjoyed getting to know him and I like him a lot. If he ever comes to view himself as relationship material, he's welcome to contact me, and maybe we can meet to catch up. 

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13 hours ago, OldSoul91 said:

He keeps suggesting at home dates even after I said I wasn't comfortable with them.  But I understand there can be many reasons for that.

To be honest, he can get sex anywhere. He keeps asking you out on dates and he would be long gone if "that's all he's after".

You'll have to decide if you are really ready to date. It's interesting that you haven't dated even after being divorced for 4 years.

Women who put all men in the "just after one thing" basket are going to have a hard time dating.

Perhaps it's time to enlist the help of a therapist to address your divorce, fears and anxiety.

Your friends don't decide with whom or when you have sex.

You're making it seem like you have no choice in the matter. You're also splitting hairs as far as the boring "cooking together" so-called date somehow being more righteous than watching a movie or going for drinks.

Unfortunately you come across as anxious and a bit damaged. You can dump this guy if you want, which may be the best choice since you already distrust him so immensely.

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you come across as anxious and a bit damaged.

Easy on the words wiseman. Nobody is damaged here.

And the man is not interested in seeing her outside the house, which is telling.

I've been seeing a friend for 4 months before I felt I could naturally trust and invite her to my place. That's just me and my pace in allowing people in my private life. And I know people who are the same. It's okay to not want to meet the man at his place for a while and get to know him. And it's okay to be anxious after 4 years of zero dating.

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

To be honest, he can get sex anywhere. He keeps asking you out on dates and he would be long gone if "that's all he's after".

I know men who would go out with women several times to be able to bang. But here we can't tell until she draws the boundary and then gauges his reaction. However you're right about OP acting as if she has no choice.

OP this is a learning to get back in the game experience for you. If you realise you need to stop seeing him, then by all means you have your choice to do so and move on to better matches. I imagine after 4 years of 0 dates, your picker must be rusty and needs some training to get back in the game. Just enjoy and always remember you have every damn right to say "no" and out to better options.

And finally... Enjoy!!

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@Wiseman2 My divorce was very traumatic for me. I went to therapy. I was without a home of my own (we were renting from his parents at the time we divorced and he moved his girlfriend in) and had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet so I could get back on my feet. Dating wasn’t anywhere on my mind. Then the pandemic happened. I feel am ready to date now, but I am trying to learn how to do so while unlearning thoughts or behaviors I engaged in in the past. I don’t think cooking together is a more righteous date over movies or drinks at all. I was just using it as an example if you are inviting someone over to perhaps define what the plan is instead of just saying to come over.

I would honestly prefer to go to a movie, drinks, a walk, anything. I would be interested in any activity that is focused more on getting to know one another rather than being focused on the potential for sex occurring. 

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@catfeederyes you’re right that’s exactly what I’m doing. Im more focused on “keeping” him rather than deciding if we are a match. I’m trying to match to him because I’m just happy he’s interested which is a bad place to be in. That was honestly eye-opening. 

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3 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

would honestly prefer to go to a movie, drinks, a walk, anything. I would be interested in any activity that is focused more on getting to know one another rather than being focused on the potential for sex occurring. 

That's good. Then absolutely sick to that. If it doesn't work, ah well. Thank you, next! You are worthy of a partner who respects and treats you right. Someone who makes you feel special. Don't settle to anything less.

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9 minutes ago, OldSoul91 said:

@Wiseman2. I was without a home of my own (we were renting from his parents at the time we divorced and he moved his girlfriend in) and had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet so I could get back on my feet. 

Sorry this happened.  Did he cheat on you? Was he abusive?

How is your financial, living and employment situation now? Do you feel ok with it? 

Take your time. He doesn't seem like a player,it seems more like you want to sit in a movie theater or go out to eat. Or at least have him make you a meal to eat.

Again, he can find sex anywhere so you'll have to have some faith in yourself that he keeps asking you out because he actually likes you.

ALL of your dates have been out.

But if he asks you out you don't like going for drinks because that implies sex.  He's not allowed to invite you for a movie and entertaining you at home because that too implies sex. 

However cooking together is ok? Maybe you just don't like him but think you "should" be dating?

Edited by Wiseman2
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@DarkCh0c0 thank you.  I’m certainly rusty! I actually never “dated.”  A boy liked me in high school. We dated. We got married. So I have no idea how to do this and it’s very daunting for me, but I have enjoyed the first few dates we went on. And you’re right. He doesn’t want seem to want to see me outside of his home which is what led me to post this originally. I have known him casually for years since we worked in the same place, but not in this capacity, so while I feel more comfortable around him than I would a complete stranger, I feel that an at home date implies intimacy unless it’s specifically defined otherwise. He already knows that this is all new to me. I was honest about that. He told me that this is all new to him as well. 

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@Wiseman2 He had been cheating for awhile with his secretary and I didn’t even realize it. I would bring them both food for lunch when I was around. Never thought twice about it because I trusted him completely. He was neglectful and constantly comparing me to others, but I internalized that and thought I just needed to be better. One random Sunday he asked me to make muffins. Before they were done he told me he wanted a divorce and needed some space. I left that moment thinking I would be back at some point and he just needed room. That was the last time I was there. He went away with her the next day. And moved her in when they got back. 
 

Now, I’m great financially. One of my part time jobs offered me a full time job, so I left my not-so-great full time job for it. I have my own place and am able to save money. 
 

I just want to get to know him before sleeping with him. That’s pretty much it. 

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I wanted to add I agree on the being direct in your boundaries and avoiding mixed signals -not because you would then deserve to be pressured but because it just makes the dynamic uncomfortable.  I had sleepovers before having intercourse, went on vacation, had long makeout /hook up sessions.  And I wasn't a tease/leading on. Why? Because I was clear and simple and direct - and succint -whenever needed.  "Yes I'd love to go to your home and hang out and cook dinner.  Sounds great.  I'm not ready to have sex with you." 

And other than that one guy becoming exclusive was not connected to having intercourse.  We became exclusive -my serious partners -because we saw serious potential for the long term. It wasn't "ok if you agree to exclusivity we can then have sex." We simply decided we no longer wanted to date others or look to date others.  We then did so - and had sex when we were both comfortable. 

I had to "retrain" a couple of men who I dated after they'd had sexual arrangements with someone or were used to having sex by the 4th date or whatever. I knew of many women who had casual sex then blamed the man for "using" them.  They very often felt jaded and bitter.  I did not-not more than a couple of hours if I'd dated a real jerk.  I married at age 42. 

But retraining was simply my statement "I'm not ready to have sex yet."  Almost every time there was no further questioning -they got it and/or they really wanted mostly to get to know me and having intercourse was not the focus or the priority.  We were romantic, affectionate, passionate - just waited to have intercourse.  I knew I got attached through intercourse and I didn't want to attempt casual sex.  I also had concerns back then about STDs (AIDS was a huge deal in the 90s) plus pregnancy as abortion was not for me, personally.  

Good luck -I think you've gotten some great advice here.  i'm sorry your marriage/divorce was so hard!!

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