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Caught Some Feelings Not Sure What To Do


EitherDare0
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Met a girl on facebook hiking group. Met her and a friend of hers, and we went on a hike. We had a good time, I thought she was cute and I felt she felt the same about me. We are both single.Over the course of a few weeks, we planned a few hikes together. We have a lot of fun together, chemistry was there, etc.

Then, she invited me on a 2 day Sedona trip, just her and I. We were to share an AirBnB. On the drive there we had a great time, there was a proverbial Elephant in the room. It culminate at the Airbnb, where we proceeded to sleep together. The passion/chemistry was intense. We slept together twice more the next day and had a great time in Sedona. On this trip I learned she was about 4months from breakup and was still dealing with her decision to end it. We agreed we liked each-other, but neither of us was wanting to pursue anything at this moment.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we went hiking together a lot. We did hookup on two more occasions, both very passionate etc. We certainly have a good connection. 

We did both agree it was a bit much, so we backed off the sex. We are friends, and the benefits was not really intended. We both agreed we didn't want to get too heavy into that. At this point I still didn't feel really anything. 

A week later, she invited me to go out Country dancing, which I found out was just her and I. We had a great time and we both again acknowledged there is something there, we have crushes on eachother. I came in to her place after, but although we both wanted it, we agreed no sex.

Two days later, we spent the whole day together. She admitted she had talked to her Ex the night prior and felt really depressed about it. I had such a terrible breakup with my ex, so I wanted to be there for her. I just spent the day with her at the pool, and we ended up taking a nap together in her bed later on. We then went out with friends and had a nice night. I certainly felt happy about it, but again, I felt more she was dealing with past trauma and I was happy to spend time with her and help her. 

Two days later, she invited me over to hot tub with her sister and friends. I then found out she was going back to visit family out of state for three weeks. 

Boom, this hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden feelings came pouring in. I realize quickly, I had grown some feelings, but I hadn't realized it til that moment. 

For whatever reason, I just felt like before she left I had to tell her I liked her and was interested in more later on down the road, but zero rush as she isn't ready etc.

I did just that and she seemed to love it. Smiled, kissed me deeply, held me close for an hour etc. The desire to sleep together was strong, but again we both showed discipline and did not. But it was heavy, the attraction is there.

She is now gone on her trip, and we have snap-chatted a lot. Although, she did tell me she isn't sure what to do because she is scared to forgo her ex for good, fearing she is making a huge mistake. However, she said she really likes me too and does not know what to do. 

I have done a good job keeping composed, but now my feelings are clear to me. I think about her so much, it's pretty bad. 

I of course and terrified to get myself hurt, because I know she is not over her ex. I am not sure if I should run away, or give her space, or what. She is gone another 2.5 weeks.

My defense mechanism is telling me to run for the hills, but it's clear to me now I am definitely into this girl and although I know nothing significant would happen right now, there is a ton of potential because there is interest in eachother, she certainly likes me too.

 

Sorry for the length. Not really sure how to play this one.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she cheating on him or is he an "ex"?

He's an EX since December. Not sure how long exactly, but they had been dating awhile, enough that she admitted this is like the 4th time (and supposedly....) final time she broke up with him. She had a long list of reasons why.

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I would take a big step back, OP. 

She still has feelings for her ex, that much is clear. That's not something you can or should "help" her through. I think she likes you well enough and it feels good to have someone around after her break-up, but her head and heart and not open enough for this to develop into anything more at this time.

Personally, I would step out of the picture while she sorts out and processes the end of her relationship. She hasn't done that yet and you are setting up to be the rebound here. It will be a while before she is totally free and clear of her ex (emotionally) and I wouldn't hang around in the meantime. It will hurt you too much. 

Perhaps you two could reconnect in the future, but now isn't a great time to try to make something happen. 

 

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45 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

 this is like the 4th time final time she broke up with him. 

Ok, that's even worse. Don't be collateral damage in their on/off BS.

If you just want a roll in the hay for a while fine, but limit listening to her "long lists". 

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3 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

she did tell me she isn't sure what to do because she is scared to forgo her ex for good, fearing she is making a huge mistake.

This is where you should back out and give yourself space. She's leading you on and you are her rebound.

It's not the right time for her, but she keeps on meeting you... At least give it space to protect your heart and limit contact until she's back. Maybe she'll sort out her feelings once she takes distance as well, but the fact that she still has feelings for her ex means she has nothing for you. That's sad, I know. Tough lesson to learn here; when people tell you they are unavailable, they aren't. Don't stick around until they are.

Do you know for how long she was with her ex?

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Unfortunately, you are just somebody to "build her up" while she gets back to her ex. You are there for her, you are doing dates and spend whole days together, you eveh have sex. And you even pose as her "therapist". You are there to "feel the void" she has, as her ex boyfriend is gone. But she has no intentions to be with you for real. 

You should avoid complicated stuff. You started off nicely but as soon as she mentioned how its a bit much and ex, that was your cue that this girl isnt for something more. If you are not looking for anything serious, sure. You could pose as her "proto-boyfriend" once in a while. But since you already caught feelings, you will get hurt in the process. Your best bet would be to just move away completely. Sorry.

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I appreciate the responses.

Thing is, I don't mind taking things slow, being casual. I KNOW she is not ready for anything serious. I may not be either, but likely closer than her. Difference is, I feel a little betrayed because there is a big difference between "I am completely 100% done with my ex, blocked on everything but I just have to move on and need time" and the recent second guessing of that .

First step, I am definitely going to distance myself from her and it. Revert back to much less contact. Give her a chance to search her feelings without me in the present. It's likely good she's out of state for a few weeks. Distance makes you think.

Secondly, I am considering a potential (not anytime soon) sort of ultimatum. Not in some dramatic fashion. But, if she cannot spend time with me and take things slow towards more, then I am out. I am not here to be a shoulder to cry on, some rebound, or some make-do BF til she heals. 

She is going to have to learn that her actions likely determine where we are down the road. I won't be friend-zoned while she runs back to her ex.

Fair or unfair, we are past the point of no return. We are both very complicit in that.

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10 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

She had talked to her Ex the night prior and felt really depressed about it.

You're just there to fill the void.  I would let her decompress the next 2.5 weeks, and not be up her booty, while you figure out what you want.  I would make plans with friends, other women, family, etc.

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You might not mind taking things slow but you're already recognizing that the feelings are lopsided.

Let go of this by focusing on other things and people.  

You really have no idea what is going on with her.  Only what she tells you.  And people on the rebound (or still into their ex or emotionally unavailable or any other phrase you want to put with it) may or may not realize that they're not being completely honest with you because in ways they are not being honest with themselves. 

People get caught in on & off relationships. And for some it's the drama of the push and the pull.  They never get out of it for many reasons. All of which are their own.  

Read these forums long enough and you will see what I mean... 

When you come across a person in this situation you really do need to cut the cord and move on with your own life.  For the simple fact-  it can really mess you up and it will make things harder for you- in ways you don't even consider 

Pull away. Right now you're not "together" no one owes anyone an explanation or anything else.

Time will tell. but never let someone that is not 100% for you, hold you back.  

You may find a great girl around the corner that is on your same page. Because that's what makes anything work long term-- equal effort and feelings.

Good luck. It does stink. I recently met a guy I really dug, but in his words he "got scared".

It's not my place to make him unscared (is that a word?) but it is my place to decide what's best for me.  And its a scared person what's best for me?  Probably not.

I let go with kindness. I keep running into him (ugh). And I'm cordial but then I go on my way.  I don't think it's fate or try to ask him out or guage if anything changed. 

In time he will either figure out he is not scared or I will meet someone else.  Just gotta ride it out. keep your thoughts in check.  think good things for yourself and your future.  

It's ok. She's not the only woman on the planet.  You can and you will meet someone else with great chemistry that wants to be with you 'all in'

Don't settle for less. 

 

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There doesn't need to be anything dramatic. Just spend less time answering her calls or texts right away and slowly distance yourself. You know she's likely speaking with her ex on the side and they're still discussing their relationship so this is far from over. You recognize that already. 

You don't need to cut her off right away but slowly start being more involved with other things in your life and meeting new people. To be fair I don't think she's in any position at all to be dating someone new, ex or no ex still in the picture. She's just not in that headspace hence not an option. 

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  • 1 month later...

You doing well keeping cool supporting her emotions and your sleeping with her. Only thing that could go wrong is the ex is cooler than you but no one is cooler than you because your YOU. Whatever your doing keep it up maybe do a little more show her how much better of a man you are. Hit her with some flowers with something emotional connected and but don’t tell her about the growing feelings just say I missed you or thought about you. 

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