Is this friendship worth saving if it's at all salvageable?

[decibelx]

I've known a friend for over a year now. It was long distance before but now that she's in the same country, we would call to chat often and hang out as well. Something felt off about it to me though; like she was just using me to pass her time when she was bored and didn't have other things planned. I noticed she would tell petty white lies too but I never brought it up.

Everything continued as per usual until last week when I called her out on her lies to me, specifically. We got into an argument and our relationship became unstable. She blocked me but I later apologised on another platform for the way I went about it, and we became civil again, except we didn't feel as close now. She never took accountability for her lying either. 

Last night, after a couple of drinks, in a moment of anger I told her to leave me alone after catching her in another lie (she left my messages unread for days despite always being on her phone and pretended that she didn't see them). I didn't actually mean it but I was heated. She then blocks me again on our regular messaging app. A couple of hours later she messages me on the other social media app and says there's no point in us being friends anymore and that she wishes me the best. I then find out that I've been blocked on there too. 

It's upsetting to me because she's one of my only close friends and now the reality of losing her is kicking in. I actually cried about it and I don't cry about much. Do you think there's a chance we can save this friendship after a cooling off period or if it's even worth it?

[Seraphim]

I think I am with her on this and it is over. You don’t like her lies and she doesn’t like your temper . I would just move on . 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, decibelx said:

Do you think there's a chance we can save this friendship after a cooling off period or if it's even worth it?

It's not worth it, no. 

Friendship shouldn't involve this much drama. You two aren't compatible and she doesn't wish to remain in contact. 

It's time to cut this cord. 

[greendots]

1 hour ago, decibelx said:

It's upsetting to me because she's one of my only close friends and now the reality of losing her is kicking in.

I'll be blunt. Why would you want to be friends with someone who apparently consistently lies to you? Also, her blocking / unblocking you whenever you have a disagreement is childish. Adults talk, communicate.

Join meetup groups, volunteer, etc and find better friends.

 

[decibelx]

30 minutes ago, greendots said:

I'll be blunt. Why would you want to be friends with someone who apparently consistently lies to you? Also, her blocking / unblocking you whenever you have a disagreement is childish. Adults talk, communicate.

Join meetup groups, volunteer, etc and find better friends.

 

You're right. I think it's just that I don't know how to process the sudden feeling of loss. In my loneliness, I grew attached to her and so I was clinging on despite all the red flags. It's going to be dreadful being lonely again. I only text family members who are in a different country.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP. 

Why don't you have any local friends? 

[decibelx]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP. 

Why don't you have any local friends? 

It has been hard to make them. I moved to the country I'm in about 2 years ago, right when Covid happened, for university. Everything went online and we didn't really have much chances for engagement- lectures were pre-recorded and tutorials went on Zoom. Also I'm a mature age student who has gone back after about a decade away so majority of the population is significantly younger. I don't know how or where to even start making them. Any suggestions? Would love to have at least 1 or 2 close friends I can rely on.

[greendots]

59 minutes ago, decibelx said:

You're right. I think it's just that I don't know how to process the sudden feeling of loss. In my loneliness, I grew attached to her and so I was clinging on despite all the red flags. It's going to be dreadful being lonely again. I only text family members who are in a different country.

Understandably. You're lonely, so whilst looking to forge a connection with a friendly face you're more prone to overlook some red flags. As the adage goes though, "better to be alone than in bad company".

I've made friends of different age groups through volunteering, church, uni, meetups, local clubs / groups and classes. Anything like that where you live which might interested you? Especially now that places are opening their doors again. Might even find an expat community that you could join.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, decibelx said:

  Last night, after a couple of drinks, in a moment of anger I told her to leave me alone after catching her in another lie 

Unfortunately it seems like you are overinvolved and overinvested and want more than friendship.

You seem controlling and somewhat overbearing chronically "calling her out", when she doesn't have to report to you.

Take a deep breath, stop drinking too much and take better care of yourself.

 

[decibelx]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you are overinvolved and overinvested and want more than friendship.

You seem controlling and somewhat overbearing chronically "calling her out", when she doesn't have to report to you.

Take a deep breath, stop drinking too much and take better care of yourself.

 

Hi Wiseman, I remember you from before.

This is not the same person as I previously mentioned. I had romantic feelings for that person but things did not work out in the end. This is a friend I made I guess you can say quite recently, in 2021, and our relationship is purely platonic. I called her out not to be overbearing but because I was disappointed. I'm big on honesty and she was lying to me over little things. But you're right, the drinking escalated things. 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, decibelx said:

Do you think there's a chance we can save this friendship after a cooling off period or if it's even worth it?

Nah. Frienships are like that sometimes, you are good one day, next you are not. You dont like her lying and ignoring you, she doesnt like how you gone about that so that is it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, decibelx said:

. I called her out not to be overbearing but because I was disappointed

She doesn't owe you as much as you believe she does.

Everyone wants some privacy and boundaries and she doesn't have to do anything your way.

It's important to diversify and have more friends. That could prevent this type of clinginess and possessiveness.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Make more friends.

[Rose Mosse]

I think once you find more people to hang out with this person will matter less and less. Use this experience to push you not to sink so low in future or accept bad behaviour from others. Whether it was petty white lies or some other you can also gauge or decide not to blow someone’s cover if you sense they’re that fragile. Just hold your tongue and slowly spend less and less time being around them. Don’t waste your energies needlessly getting upset or confronting individuals whom you can’t stand. 

Make an effort and go to a few events. You may not make fast friends or deep friendships right away as these take time. But it is a start and you may feel so much more happier and uplifted.

[Tinydance]

Just wondering, what sorts of white lies did your friend tell and did she tell them often? I'm just trying to understand more about the situation. I'm not defending her but sometimes people do tell white lies and they might do it for a reason. For example, my best friend's husband doesn't like one of her friends. So whenever her friend invited them to an event, my best friend would go but she would lie that her husband isn't well, was double booked, is working, whatever. It was a lie but obviously she couldn't just say: "My husband didn't come because he doesn't like you".

I think most people tell white lies occasionally but it's the context and reasoning that matters and why they do it. I understand that it's frustrating when someone tells white lies too much or if the lies are bad and easy to spot lol There are also people who are compulsive liars and that's definitely off putting. My Dad is a compulsive liar and just lies for no good reason and it's like, why lol

The thing is though is that people usually don't respond well to being criticised or verbally attacked. If you want to confront someone it's always best to do it in a polite way and preferably use "I" statements. Actually I didn't know this about the "I" statements but once I Googled how to confront someone and that was the advice I got. So for example saying: "I really enjoy hanging out with you but I feel like maybe you only see me out of convenience". "I feel like you don't want to tell me the truth sometimes". Not "you did this, you did that". Most people feel accused at statements like this and don't react well. You actually said once you got angry and told her to leave you alone. So obviously she got angry too.

I'm not sure how bad the white lies are but sometimes if you really want to keep a friendship you might need to turn a blind eye to some things.

You don't HAVE to put up with it though. We all have our own feelings and boundaries so that's your choice what yours are. I'm only saying this because you seem so upset and cried and you seem to really care about this friendship. I think most people have down sides or annoying things about them. So in that sense the perfect friend doesn't really exist. I think it's a matter of figuring out what we can and can't put up with. If you can't put up with the white lies, don't feel bad. That's your threshold and it's OK to have standards.

 

[Andrina]

Your goal of gaining a "close" friend is actually unrealistic and others will sense your desperation and be repelled. Your goals should be enjoying other people's companionship for that moment in time, and let things unfold in an organic way.

Because often, friendships are many, many years in the making. Closeness might develop over time with a  mutually satisfying experience, and both giving equal effort. This woman you've barely known and you've considered "close" was seen only that way in your eyes. Since you saw it as such, you were angered when she didn't behave as a  "close" friend would. Because she truly was not.

You might have different communication styles as a friend, but it doesn't mean you call them out on that. You either accept the differences and don't push your agenda, or you let that friendship fade and spend more time with friends who do match how you like to be friends.

Like others have said, look into starting a new hobby. Join a book discussion group. See if there are any Meetup.com groups in your area. You could even create your own. But like I said, change your mindset of enjoying others company without the pressure of making instant friendships. Think of it as planting a seed that might eventually bloom, or it might not. If not, there are always more seeds to plant. Eventually, under the right conditions, one will finally grow. Take care.

[decibelx]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Just wondering, what sorts of white lies did your friend tell and did she tell them often? I'm just trying to understand more about the situation. I'm not defending her but sometimes people do tell white lies and they might do it for a reason. For example, my best friend's husband doesn't like one of her friends. So whenever her friend invited them to an event, my best friend would go but she would lie that her husband isn't well, was double booked, is working, whatever. It was a lie but obviously she couldn't just say: "My husband didn't come because he doesn't like you".

I think most people tell white lies occasionally but it's the context and reasoning that matters and why they do it. I understand that it's frustrating when someone tells white lies too much or if the lies are bad and easy to spot lol There are also people who are compulsive liars and that's definitely off putting. My Dad is a compulsive liar and just lies for no good reason and it's like, why lol

The thing is though is that people usually don't respond well to being criticised or verbally attacked. If you want to confront someone it's always best to do it in a polite way and preferably use "I" statements. Actually I didn't know this about the "I" statements but once I Googled how to confront someone and that was the advice I got. So for example saying: "I really enjoy hanging out with you but I feel like maybe you only see me out of convenience". "I feel like you don't want to tell me the truth sometimes". Not "you did this, you did that". Most people feel accused at statements like this and don't react well. You actually said once you got angry and told her to leave you alone. So obviously she got angry too.

I'm not sure how bad the white lies are but sometimes if you really want to keep a friendship you might need to turn a blind eye to some things.

You don't HAVE to put up with it though. We all have our own feelings and boundaries so that's your choice what yours are. I'm only saying this because you seem so upset and cried and you seem to really care about this friendship. I think most people have down sides or annoying things about them. So in that sense the perfect friend doesn't really exist. I think it's a matter of figuring out what we can and can't put up with. If you can't put up with the white lies, don't feel bad. That's your threshold and it's OK to have standards.

 

You were spot on with this. She's a compulsive liar and the lies were always transparent. It would be anything really; making up things that were going on in her life, claiming she was busy when she wasn't, always being on the phone but ignoring my messages for hours/days and claiming she never saw them. I always had a gut feeling but as I mentioned, I was lonely so I clung on to her for companionship. I've done some introspection over the last 24 hours and I think I cried because I'm mourning the loss of a friendship I idealised and its just hit me that none of it was real. 

[Batya33]

I had a friend like this for a few years. We met through mutual friends. I got her involved in a theater group my then boyfriend was involved in.
 

She was a lot of fun when she wasn’t lying or unreliable. Then I had a last straw because she decided to tell me my - now ex boyfriend-  who I was in the process of reconciling with was dating someone in their theater group and she was telling because she liked this woman and wanted to be friends with her. I knew he was dating others. I didn’t know who. He wasn’t cheating. I found her motives for telling me suspect and - cumulatively - I was DONE. 

a year or so later she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I did send her a card wishing her well/speedy recovery. No response.  She passed away.

I will tell you yes I felt conflicted about my last straw moment and cutting her off and I knew that that is how it goes sometimes.  Tough decisions and you’d never imagine a woman in her 30s would pass away. Friendships are hard that way and yes I can relate.  I hope you heal soon. 

[Cherylyn]

She shouldn't be a close friend because you know she's a liar.  The reality of losing her should actually be a relief and a win for you.  I'm sorry about your tears.  No, I doubt there's a chance to save this friendship after a cooling off period and no, it's not worth salvaging this friendship. 

In life, some friends were not meant to be long term.  Some friends will be discarded throughout your life because some friends lack integrity. 

It's better not to have friends than the wrong type of friend or friends in your life. 

Become very picky and choosy.  You deserve to have a friend or friends who possess moral character.  Anyone less than moral is a waste of your time and energy.