steps to take to resolve affair

[segagirl]

Im Not even really the mistress. He is not married but may as well be, they have two kids. Him and I have had an off and on thing for 8 years but short periods of time. We gravitate back and forth over the years. This time, its been about 9 months but I honestly don't even see him hardly at all. Like I can count on one hand. But  He calls me like clockwork every single day, usually 2 time per day if not more. 

Once I realized there really is not going to be more - I started to get antsy. I do not get why you call me every single day if I am not even going to see you! Its taking up a lot of my emotional energy and it keeps me holding on. Yes there is a very heavy emotional bond. He says he calls because it makes us both happy and talking to me is important and brings  peace in his life. He says, I will make time to see you and I will call you tomorrow. And the same situation plays over and over. 

Do I just say STOP calling me? ( I tried that this week and he said, Ill call you tomorrow) I mean there are no beef between us, Im not mad. Just feel like this is going no where, then why call me every day. Or if I want the occasional in person visit do  I say hey, call me when you can see me and see what happens. ?

.....dead end......but scared to let go. Why do we keep gravitating back....

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, segagirl said:

I do not get why you call me every single day if I am not even going to see you!

Why not? You are allowing it, and he gets the attention and validation from you knowing you will always respond to his calls. And, as you said, it keeps you hanging on. For him, this is great because then you will be there should he want to see you. 

If you really want this to end, tell him it's over. And block him. Yes, easier said than done when you're emotionally-invested. But what are the alternatives at this point?

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, segagirl said:

Why do we keep gravitating back....

Well, I think a big reason is that you haven't decided to move on.

Hang on or move on. These are your two choices.

You are still hanging on.

When you decide to move on, you'll figure out a way to do it. Maybe you'll stop answering his calls. Maybe you'll block him. There are many ways to move on. All of them are valid and effective. The method in which you move on isn't important. The decision is.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, segagirl said:

. Just feel like this is going no where...dead end......

Why are you participating in this?

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men in person who want what you want.

Your life seems lonely and empty if a phone call a day and a drive-by hookup occasionally is what you revolve around.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, segagirl said:

Im Not even really the mistress.

Well, you kinda are. He is with someone else and has a kids with her. 

Dont you want something better from life? Or are you really hoping for him to leave his gf/wife for you? Because if you want something better you wil have to let this go completely.

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, segagirl said:

it keeps me holding on.

This is why he does it. He likes having you and his real girlfriend.  He is an empty shell of a person that needs to drain off of as many people as he can to build himself up. 

Don't tell him anything.  Just simply stop taking his calls. If he can't get his drama fix from you, he'll stop.  And he'll stop a lot faster than you think. 

These types of people really only think of themselves.  As long as you keep throwing the ball back, he'll keep playing. 

You're starting to realize what a joke of a relationship this is.  Lean into those feelings. Forget this loser.

Control your feelings... meaning..   yes, it is scary but staying stuck in this is scarier!  This is your life! You're reducing yourself to a co-star in someone else's life. Stop it! Stop the victim mentality. Work on finding a real man that focuses on you! 

Walk away. don't look back. he'll figure it out. 

[Wiseman2]

When you find a man who cares about you, this clown will become wholly uninteresting.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Andrina]

You're his toy. A yo-yo. You want the letting go and pulling back to stop? Get your scissors out and cut the line. You not blocking his number is sending him a weak, mixed message.

I'd send him one last message: For my own good, we will no longer communicate. I'm moving on. 

And don't even wait for his response. Block his number. Delete old communication and photos. Learn from your mistakes so that you will only accept someone who deserves you in the future. Being alone and feeling upset for a little while is a necessary step to eventually move forward. It's nothing to fear. Embrace is as normal, and start pampering yourself. In the meantime, make a must-have and dealbreaker list for a future partner and stick to it. Take care.

[Rose Mosse]

Steps to take: It’s not likely he’ll be the one to stop so tell him you don’t want to be contacted again and then block and remove his contact. 

I’m sure it brings him peace to speak with you. But it is not mutual.

 

[segagirl]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you participating in this?

I actually appreciate the realness of your response.  I have not been talking about this with anyone and sometimes things sound very different in your own head.... I am making silly excuses and lowering myself and for some reason. I didnt want to see that. 

 

[segagirl]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

When you find a man who cares about you, this clown will become wholly uninteresting.

Is this the same man?:

No, that was my actual long term boyfriend, that ended a year ago. This is someone who I let back in after my boyfriend left. Which - I guess makes sense that I was looking for comfort after feeling pretty low. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, segagirl said:

No, that was my actual long term boyfriend, that ended a year ago. This is someone who I let back in after my boyfriend left.  I was looking for comfort after feeling pretty low. 

OK. Then he was a fallback. Now it's time to delete and block him for good.

[catfeeder]

Often sentimentality can keep us tied to relationships that are not in our best interests.

Figure out what you are getting out of this, and then make a plan to get that in some other way, including giving it to your Self.

Quote

.....dead end......but scared to let go.

What are you scared of?

[boltnrun]

What is it you want in your life?  Daily phone calls?  Or a man you can hug, kiss, cuddle with, go places with, have physical intimacy, spend birthdays and holidays with IN PERSON, share with your family?

It's up to you.

BTW, did your boyfriend know you were seeing this man behind his back?  In order to have the right person in your life you need to BE the right person.

[segagirl]

13 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Often sentimentality can keep us tied to relationships that are not in our best interests.

Figure out what you are getting out of this, and then make a plan to get that in some other way, including giving it to your Self.

What are you scared of?

The truth, Im scared that this man, who the universe keeps brining back into my life is really some how meant to be in my life. The whole, let it go and it comes back to you thought. We have totally let go before, gone years without talking, and some how, some way we run into each other and here we are bonded again. This is the third time and each time its me that pushes away. What if this time, instead of pushing away, I just hold. I hold and see. 

[segagirl]

38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What is it you want in your life?  Daily phone calls?  Or a man you can hug, kiss, cuddle with, go places with, have physical intimacy, spend birthdays and holidays with IN PERSON, share with your family?

It's up to you.

BTW, did your boyfriend know you were seeing this man behind his back?  In order to have the right person in your life you need to BE the right person.

We started talking three months after my boyfriend and I split. I never spoke to him during.  I think i could accept daily phone calls from a friend, but I can't settle with that as I am not his friend. He cant keep me as a friend......

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, segagirl said:

He cant keep me as a friend......

So, tell him this and mean it.

Your words mean nothing if he calls the next day and you accept his call.

You can say "I'm not able to break free from this superficial connection as long as we keep talking.  Please respect my wishes and stop calling.  And to make sure we don't speak I'm not going to answer your calls.  Please understand this is what I need to do for myself.  If you want a real, sincere relationship with me please send me a text and say so.  Otherwise we won't be talking on the phone anymore."

[segagirl]

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

This is so well said. thank you

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, segagirl said:

Im scared that this man, who the universe keeps brining back into my life is really some how meant to be in my life.

The universe isn't bringing him to you. 

You just aren't saying "no" to an opportunist. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The universe isn't bringing him to you. 

You just aren't saying "no" to an opportunist. 

Yes.  Don’t go the passive route of blaming your choices on woo woo notions. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, segagirl said:

What if this time, instead of pushing away, I just hold. I hold and see. 

It's been 9 months. He's still with his girlfriend. How much longer are you willing to hold and see? 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, segagirl said:

This is so well said. thank you

I forgot that you're the other woman and you're helping him cheat on his real relationship.

Forget everything I wrote previously.  Start respecting enough yourself to no longer accept being the mistress of a cheater.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, segagirl said:

The truth, Im scared that this man, who the universe keeps brining back into my life is really some how meant to be in my life. The whole, let it go and it comes back to you thought. We have totally let go before, gone years without talking, and some how, some way we run into each other and here we are bonded again.

The universe also keeps repeating the same experience until you learn the lesson.

You're choosing the narrative... its not 'meant to be' if he's cheating with you. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, segagirl said:

What if this time, instead of pushing away, I just hold. I hold and see. 

Hold onto what, exactly? Phone calls?

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hold onto what, exactly? Phone calls?

Not to mention, what's he supposed to do about his real girlfriend? You know, the mother of his two children. She's supposed to just step aside?