steps to take to resolve affair

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Not to mention, what's he supposed to do about his real girlfriend? You know, the mother of his two children. She's supposed to just step aside?

Sure, let's say she does step aside, and so you 'win', right?

You'll enjoy that win for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've wasted all of this time just to promote yourself from the one he's disloyal 'with' to the one he'll be disloyal TO.

Then you get to spend the duration of your future with him waiting for that shoe to drop.

Is that how you want to live?

Is THAT worth holding onto?

[Rox22]

You ARE the mistress (btw, your subject says "affair) . As long as he is in a rel'ship w/another woman, and incl. children, then you ARE disrespecting another woman's rel'ship. Would you like it if a man, or this guy did that to you (the father of your children to boot)? 

Have respect for yourself and for women who don't deserve this. You're helping him be the guy that he is (he's not a man). And, you're okay w/doing this to her and those kids.

[spinstermanquee]

10 hours ago, segagirl said:

The truth, Im scared that this man, who the universe keeps brining back into my life is really some how meant to be in my life

Segagirl, maybe it's not the universe.  Maybe it's him inserting himself where he doesn't belong.  He has a primary relationship, and it's not with you 😞  In service of his family perhaps a thoughtful considerate woman would step back.

My STBXH of 25 years... we have coffee skypes, discuss projects, he's still on my insurance.  But once one of us gets into another primary relationship, we will have to factor the new person in the equation and dial our comm down to his or her comfort zone.  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  For now, I'm cool with the way things are.  Are you?

Hugs ((((((  )))))

[segagirl]

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

It's been 9 months. He's still with his girlfriend. How much longer are you willing to hold and see? 

reality, he'll never leave. I know this. She might toss him as she has before. But he is not leaving. 

[segagirl]

2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Segagirl, maybe it's not the universe.  Maybe it's him inserting himself where he doesn't belong.  He has a primary relationship, and it's not with you 😞  In service of his family perhaps a thoughtful considerate woman would step back.

My STBXH of 25 years... we have coffee skypes, discuss projects, he's still on my insurance.  But once one of us gets into another primary relationship, we will have to factor the new person in the equation and dial our comm down to his or her comfort zone.  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  For now, I'm cool with the way things are.  Are you?

Hugs ((((((  )))))

I want to be, I want to just sit back and enjoy it while it goes on. But then my guilt, needs and head starts yelling at me. 

[segagirl]

3 hours ago, Rox22 said:

You ARE the mistress (btw, your subject says "affair) . As long as he is in a rel'ship w/another woman, and incl. children, then you ARE disrespecting another woman's rel'ship. Would you like it if a man, or this guy did that to you (the father of your children to boot)? 

Have respect for yourself and for women who don't deserve this. You're helping him be the guy that he is (he's not a man). And, you're okay w/doing this to her and those kids.

It is in fact a selfish, cold thing to do. When I comes to him I tend to go way out of my value base. That alone should be enough to stop me. 

[segagirl]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sure, let's say she does step aside, and so you 'win', right?

You'll enjoy that win for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've wasted all of this time just to promote yourself from the one he's disloyal 'with' to the one he'll be disloyal TO.

Then you get to spend the duration of your future with him waiting for that shoe to drop.

Is that how you want to live?

Is THAT worth holding onto?

excellent point......

[segagirl]

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

you're choosing the narrative... its not 'meant to be' if he's cheating with you. 

Not a very pretty narrative - its the fake visions I have that keep me and I know this.....ugh

[MissCanuck]

Are you giving yourself the opportunity to meet other, available men? 

[segagirl]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you giving yourself the opportunity to meet other, available men? 

For the first time in a year a put a dating profile up. Dating sites kind of suck but I am at least talking to people. Though I am scared to death of meeting and trying. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, segagirl said:

Though I am scared to death of meeting and trying.

What is it you fear is going to happen?

[segagirl]

Why am I so scared to let go - 

Im scared of losing him forever. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, segagirl said:

Im scared of losing him forever. 

I would explore this: you don't have him to begin with, so what exactly are you losing?

Some phone calls? The feeling of being desired by him? The feeling of being validated? Your self-esteem? You don't have a relationship to lose here, so I would dig deep and figure out what story you have sold yourself about the value he brings into your life. 

Because from an objective standpoint, you've attached a lot more significance to this illicit affair than it's worth. He seems like a run-of-the-mill cheater than you've idealized. That's it. 

[Justsomeone]

1 hour ago, segagirl said:

Im scared of losing him forever

You should want to lose him forever instead of wanting to hold onto nothing. It is such a liberating feeling to be over someone that doesn't reciprocate your feelings back
 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, segagirl said:

Im scared of losing him forever. 

What does he bring to your life? Good sex? Giggles? Harassment? Lack of boundaries? Lack of respect? Sloppy seconds? Infidelity? 

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, segagirl said:

Why am I so scared to let go - 

Im scared of losing him forever. 

 

This is something you need examine within yourself.  A person should not be so attached to another person that they allow themselves to be disrespected or emotionally abused 

What if he died? Are you the grieving widow that everyone feels sympathy for?  No. You're the proof that this guy sucks! 

You've definitely got self esteem and self worth issues to address. Along with delusions of what love is and how people show love. you have a superficial lust and an infatuation with an idea that does not exist. 

[boltnrun]

9 hours ago, segagirl said:

Why am I so scared to let go - 

Im scared of losing him forever. 

 

You don't have him. His partner and mother of his children does (to whatever extent).

Are you the one he spends weekends and holidays with? Do you go on vacations with him? Go to dinner with him on his birthday? Go to family weddings and gatherings with him? Are introduced to his friends and family as his wife or girlfriend? Does he go to your family weddings and gatherings with you? Is he with you in the evening? Does he get into bed with you to cuddle and sleep every night?

Or do you just get daily phone calls?

[spinstermanquee]

10 hours ago, segagirl said:

For the first time in a year a put a dating profile up. Dating sites kind of suck but I am at least talking to people. Though I am scared to death of meeting and trying. 

Haha segagirl, i'm in the same boat.  dipping my toe in the dating pool and yes it does suck.  But... like the old saw goes, you can't win the lottery unless you buy a ticket.  And keep buying the tickets... if you are interested in how to dial up your potential, please visit youtube and look for any videos on high value women and even silly stuff like "10 things that will make a man crazy about you" kinda videos.  Sounds stupid but boy is it helping me deflect the selfish predatory dudes and keep myself above the fray. 

Watch enough of those and it gets burned into your brain.  I just dodged a bullet with a guy I thought was a high value man and he turned out to be just another cheater who wasn't into me at all.  It didn't compute at the moment but because I kept to my standards I was able to avoid being taken advantage of.  Now that he's in the rearview mirror, I had the time to process and twig to what "really" happened for me (I'm a little slow on the uptake, truth be told).

In any case, this is about you segagirl.  And telephone guy is not up to (your) snuff.  As you are now out there, please STAY out there and don't settle for a stingy little slice of someone.  Get the whole cake baby.  <3<3<3

[segagirl]

2 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

As you are now out there, please STAY out there and don't settle for a stingy little slice of someone.  Get the whole cake baby.  <3<3<3

Thank you for your encouraging words! 

[segagirl]

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

Or do you just get daily phone calls?

I get nothing...... I'm letting him give me nothing. sounds so silly when its said aloud. Thank you. 

[spinstermanquee]

1 minute ago, segagirl said:

Thank you for your encouraging words! 

PS I am almost 60 y.o. and dontcha think I am going to have an uphill (as in Sisyphean) battle to find my needle in the haystack!  Haha

[segagirl]

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

You've definitely got self esteem and self worth issues to address. Along with delusions of what love is and how people show love. you have a superficial lust and an infatuation with an idea that does not exist. 

This is spot on unfortunately .....I am having some unrealistic fantasy that I mean something simply because he uses the words. 

[spinstermanquee]

Just now, segagirl said:

unrealistic fantasy that I mean something simply because he uses the words. 

Words=cheap, easy, flimsy

Action/deeds=meaning, weight, value

[segagirl]

I am so grateful for everyone coming and talking some reality with me. Its why I came. We can often justify things in our own heads, tell ourselves stories. I could tell I was in a place that just felt wrong but every time I would say it outloud to him, he walks me back around in circles. I needed an outside perspective. For sure I have some self esteem issues with this and Ive formed a connection to an attachment that is really not healthy or helpful to anyone. 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, segagirl said:

every time I would say it outloud to him, he walks me back around in circles.

You don't need his permission or approval to end this.  Of course his ego is going to want you pining away over him!  Of course his ego wants you available to him whenever he wants to congratulate himself on what an awesome stud he is!  But ask yourself this:  if he truly loved you, would he allow you to be on the very fringes of his life, only getting daily phone calls and none of the things that go along with a genuine love relationship?