Is it time to just settle?

[silver19]

HI everyone, thanks for reading.

I am 37, I have my own home, a good job and I am upfront about wanting to commit to marriage, kids and a serious relationship

All I have wanted for the past 10 years is a committed relationship but despite multiple dates and various dating services/apps, I still cannot find someone who wants to be with me. All my romantic interests eventually end with the woman saying "You're great and easy to talk to but I just don't feel it". The last woman I dated was verbally abusive.

I am in grad school and I work all day as a college advisor; I am tired of coming home to an empty house. I am tired and I feel my dream of becoming a husband and father dwindle every day.

my question is, should I just settle? There is a woman that I know would probably date me and she is great mentally but I feel no physical attraction to her. However, in times like these, I feel that she may be my only shot at true love. What should I do? 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this. 

Short answer: No, you do not just settle. In addition to being a recipe for despair, and likely divorce, it's a pretty cruel thing to do to another human and a pretty lousy model of love for a child. Switch the script and ask yourself how you would feel if you heard your partner say, "I just settled for him." Not warm and fuzzy, I'd imagine.

What you're calling your "only shot at true love," in short, is not at all what true love is. 

I'm curious to understand these past 10 years a bit better. How long was the relationship with the woman who was abusive, and when did it end? Aside from her, were there any other committed relationships? And in terms of dating, how often are you going on dates? 

[silver19]

33 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this. 

Short answer: No, you do not just settle. In addition to being a recipe for despair, and likely divorce, it's a pretty cruel thing to do to another human and a pretty lousy model of love for a child. Switch the script and ask yourself how you would feel if you heard your partner say, "I just settled for him." Not warm and fuzzy, I'd imagine.

What you're calling your "only shot at true love," in short, is not at all what true love is. 

I'm curious to understand these past 10 years a bit better. How long was the relationship with the woman who was abusive, and when did it end? Aside from her, were there any other committed relationships? And in terms of dating, how often are you going on dates? 

I know that it would not be right to just "settle" and would be unfair to her. I did try to kindle some feelings awhile back but after 4 dates, I couldn't even bring myself to kiss her or hold her hand.

the past 10 years have just been me working on myself while trying to find love. I am not rude or possessive or anything like that. I am always proactive and after getting to know someone a bit, I offer my number or ask her out on a date. I always offer to pay for dinner/lunch and try to take an honest interest in whoever I am on a date with. I do my best but it never works out for me and all I can say is "I understand". I feel like I am not handsome enough for even the decent-looking girls, not Christian enough for the Christian girls and not interesting enough for the rest. 

I go on dates whenever I can but like I said, it usually ends with the girl saying "I am just not feeling it" or just ghosting altogether. I am at a loss and frustrated I suppose. The relationship with the abusive woman lasted about a year and a half and she got angry over things that I had nothing to do with but took that anger out on me almost every day.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, silver19 said:

after 4 dates, I couldn't even bring myself to kiss her or hold her hand.

So, how exactly do you envision this playing out for a lifetime?

It would never work. 

[Wiseman2]

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses. Cooking dancing yoga whatever.

Get on quality dating apps perhaps a paid one along with a free one.

Make sure you're in shape have good grooming and hygiene and have a relaxed attitude.

Most women will run when they sense you're trying to install a housewife/mother of your kids into your life. 

You're coming on way too strong with that agenda. It seems you think it's an asset to mention that right away but it can come off as creepy or smothering.

First you need to like them as a person/woman, then you have to date for a while. 

You'll need time to date,so if all you do is work and go home, you'll have to rethink this.

[jazz_lover]

This girl may go out with you because she likes you. But when she realizes you are not attracted to her and cannot bring yourself to kiss her or touch her she will also feel something is missing. 

You talk about "true love". And I don't think that is a realistic objective for most people so everyone has to settle to some degree. But you do need to be physically attracted to someone, like them, feel a connection, have some basic compatibility in terms of personalities/life goals/values/interests etc and basically enjoy spending time together and bond. 

 

[Kwothe28]

When people say "settle" they usually mean that they maybe can do better, or maybe somebody else was unavailable so they "settle" with another. They dont mean that they will choose somebody that they dont even like because they are older and biological clock is running. Because you would still have to like that person and have feelings for her.

You dont like that woman nore have any romantic feelings there. So dont do it.

[Rose Mosse]

No, don’t settle. You seem depressed. Address that with your doctor. It’s going to affect all your interactions with others and may also be affecting your social life and ability to meet people or enjoy dates. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, silver19 said:

HI everyone, thanks for reading.

I am 37, I have my own home, a good job and I am upfront about wanting to commit to marriage, kids and a serious relationship

All I have wanted for the past 10 years is a committed relationship but despite multiple dates and various dating services/apps, I still cannot find someone who wants to be with me. All my romantic interests eventually end with the woman saying "You're great and easy to talk to but I just don't feel it". The last woman I dated was verbally abusive.

I am in grad school and I work all day as a college advisor; I am tired of coming home to an empty house. I am tired and I feel my dream of becoming a husband and father dwindle every day.

my question is, should I just settle? There is a woman that I know would probably date me and she is great mentally but I feel no physical attraction to her. However, in times like these, I feel that she may be my only shot at true love. What should I do? 

No.  Because you want to be a father -so in part it's extremely unfair to an innocent child to have two parents in a marriage based on settling.  I started dating my husband right before my 39th bday.  He was 38.  We got married and became parents at 42.  I had met over 100 men in person through dating sites, dated many many men for 24 years and I refused to settle and I did not settle. The opposite.

You cannot imagine how important that is to a child -to have two parents who are committed and love each other.  Because most parents argue/bicker -we do - but our son sees us make up for all the right reasons -because we are committed to each other, believe in marriage, and love him and each other.  Parents who are together but settled - the kid sees that -in more ways than one -no matter how much you might think you're putting on a good show.  

And even if you did not want a child I'd say no, don't settle. It's not fair to either of you and often will result in a very acrimonious, ugly divorce/separation or living in misery.  

There is no "one shot at true love" - and being with someone you don't want to kiss or desire sexually is not true love. That's a platonic friendship/roommates. 

My friend basically did that.  I suspect she did -settle I mean.  They didn't marry but had a son when she was in her 40s and him.  Lived together for 10 years.  They were a bad match.  She was estranged from him at the end and he was cheating (and -horribly -I'm pretty sure I knew with whom because coincidentally we were Facebook connected and past friends -I've said nothing, what is the point).  Separate bedrooms because she didn't want to be anywhere near him the last few years.

The child is gorgeous looking, so smart, and challenged - emotionally (not mentally ill I mean issues).  Guess what.  Her partner died suddenly at work in late 2019. So now she's a single mom of a tween boy, working full time and he had to endure his parents' unhappiness and then his father's death.  At least if they'd loved each other he'd know that in his heart - but he knows different.  Can you imagine putting that on the shoulders of a young boy just about to become a man??

[bluecastle]

Let's put the search for love aside for a moment. 

What else compels you? What makes you excited to wake up in the morning? What do yearn to do this month, this year, this decade? How'd all that take shape in, and how'd all that change shape over 37 years? 

Feel free to answer, or not. I ask because questions like that are what many people will be interested in—and, with the right person, drawn to. They are also things that you get to cultivate, every day, just by inhabiting yourself.

I can't help but think that maybe you've let some of that slip in the focus of "finding love," when there's a good chance that love will be found when you engage a bit more on all that, rather than the search. In dating, as in life, people generally don't want to feel like they're being sized up to fill a void. 

 

[James516]

Everything Wiseman said. And to add to that - there needs to be a sense of self that is developed outside of the routine of Mr Nice Guy Looking To Over-please In Order To Breed. That routine is clearly not working. The fact that most of your dates are saying quickly that they're not feeling it indicates you are coming off as too passive and uninteresting which will dim any spark. Start finding activity groups to fill the weekends with things to do with new people. That's not necessarily to find someone. Activities build interesting stories and topics which then builds interest as well as something to connect on during a date. There should be more to you to show that you offer more than being an over-willing relationship sherpa 

[tattoobunnie]

I remember saying to myself when I was 31 that if I never never marry or have kids, I will okay.  And I had been working on making life great and fulfilling.  Then, I got my pup, and it seemed to open my heart to immense love, then bam, reconnected to the man who I have now been married with kids to for 10+ years.

No need to settle.  You are a dude who still has time.  But I'm in NY, and 37 is still prime age to find someone.  I just think you need to open up where you are meeting women...have friends recommend people, family...Are you online dating?  Do you go to networking events? Symposiums?  I feel you may be one that opens up through friendship into romance.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I remember saying to myself when I was 31 that if I never never marry or have kids, I will okay.  And I had been working on making life great and fulfilling.  Then, I got my pup, and it seemed to open my heart to immense love, then bam, reconnected to the man who I have now been married with kids to for 10+ years.

No need to settle.  You are a dude who still has time.  But I'm in NY, and 37 is still prime age to find someone.  I just think you need to open up where you are meeting women...have friends recommend people, family...Are you online dating?  Do you go to networking events? Symposiums?  I feel you may be one that opens up through friendship into romance.

I suggest volunteering backstage at community theater as a great way to meet people and/or swing dancing lessons. I had to become the right person to find the right person. The men who were "nice" meaning "passive" turned me off almost immediately no matter how cute they looked/smart/good people.  I didn't go for bad boys either. I wanted someone who was nice from a position of confidence, not a doormat, who had appropriate boundaries and was appropriately assertive (not arrogant).

[SooSad33]

No, do not just 'settle'. You will end up with regrets!

Is like just grabbing onto the first person who gives you attention.  It's no good for YOU.

So, just relax & give things like this time.  We never know when we'll come across someone who does spark our interest and where we DO feel a real connection.

So, keep going as you are... one day at a time.

Keep busy with your own life in the meantime.

[catfeeder]

Settling is not against the law, but you won't like yourself for it.

While grabbing any companion might seem like it would alleviate loneliness, there's a half-life to it, and before you know it, you'll wish you could be alone again.

Maybe you can try to envision how such a relationship can turn into a suffocating burden very quickly, and you might start to appreciate what a relief and a joy it would be to free yourself of that.

THEN you might appreciate your current position of potential.

Explore new interests and pursue them. Learn what a sense of community can offer you when it's loosely based on a shared interest. I say loosely, because nobody wants the job of alleviating the discomfort of a lonely person--that's really our own internal job.

Much of tending to that job is the voice you run inside your head. It will efficiently manifest your script. So if you complain to yourself often rather than tap into ways to enjoy yourself, your complaints WILL become your reality, and you will become drilled into a deep hole until you change your script.

You hold unique value, and you don't need to be a star to be a good, loving and interesting person. While most people are not our match, the right person for you will see you through the right lens--so don't talk yourself into believing that there will never be simpatico with someone.

Head high, and be careful of what you train yourself to believe.