A Communication Failure And My Own Desperation Hurt (and perhaps killed) My Relationship :(

[KlearKut]

I (26M) and my girlfriend (25F) met over a month ago on a tinder-like app. Since then we texted nearly non-stop.

Texted a lot... had our first date... which went great... -- and as we spent about an entire month getting to know each other, we decided to get exclusive after the first date. Which was 6 days ago. We both changed our relationship statuses on Facebook and all...

The chemistry was awesome, we kissed, flirted a lot, she cuddled with me a lot... so we arranged our second date, which was also supposed to be the first day we would have sex.

Our texts were full of sexting, exchanged lots of feelings...

I Am her first real boyfriend, as apparently the other guys she met only wanted sex.

She even created an IG account and posted a picture of mine there... she likes and comments all my posts and says she loves me every day.
 

I asked her to call me when she arrived on the agreed spot so I could meet her... (as we did on our first date).

The date was arranged for 6:30PM.

She lives on a town nearby mine, 17km away. It only takes 26 minutes for her to get here.

 

At 3:21PM she told me she was getting dressed...

By 4:40PM she disappeared from WhatsApp -- I figured it was because she was on the road, so there's no tower.

5PM, 5:30PM, 5:45PM... still no sign  of her -- My mind went "Something's wrong. Well maybe she just gave up on the date and didn't come at all..."

The scheduled 6:30PM arrived... no calls, no texts, no nothing.

7:05PM I tried calling her with no success.

 

Finally at 7:44PM, three texts and a missed call show up all at once on my phone.

Turns out she forgot to charge her prepaid phone. Due to her having no data, I was unable to receive her call and texts...Nor to call her or text her myself.

She told me she did show up were we agreed to meet and waited there for me for 40 minutes... Got tired of waiting and went back to her town. I accidentally stood my girl up... 😞

Since that faithful saturday she started pulling away from me, taking painfully long to answer my texts, she even got to the point of asking me for a "break" to think about our relationship. I stupidly entered "desperado" mode and dug the hole even deeper by sending her 5 or 6 texts on a roll trying to apologize...

(Now that I think about it, for what?! Why was I apologizing?! This was caused by a failure on her phone, we were UNABLE to communicate due to her prepaid phone being out of credits...)

 

Needless to say I made a fool of and humiliated myself by appearing severely insecure, needy and weak.

Despite assuring me multiple times she doesn't want to break up and that she still loves me (didn't change her Facebook relationship status, didn't delete the picture of mine she posted on IG...) she pulled further away... Taking painfully longer to answer my texts/leaving me on read for several minutes or hours...

 

Before she used to send me several texts in a roll... now although she still initiates texting... it's only one at a time...

So I did the only sensible thing and pulled away too, by keeping my own texts to a minimum and not bombarding her with them.

I tried arranging a new date... her reply sadly was the dreaded "Now I don't know when we'll see each other again...".

Yesterday I tried again and her reply was "I have to check with my sister..."

 

She says she still loves me but is upset because we can only see each other on saturdays, and that she is trying to find ways for us to date more frequently... Yet makes up excuses when I try to set up a date.

Her level of effort now dropped by more than 90%.

I think she'll break up with me soon. Or rather, wants me to do it to avoid feeling bad...

To make matters worse, her lack of effort and availability suggests she is probably giving her attention to someone else.

 

Is this reversible or should I let her go?

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, KlearKut said:

we decided to get exclusive after the first date. Which was 6 days ago.

Way too much, way too soon. 

Slow down. You two hardly know each other, and she's already being an immature drama queen. You didn't do anything wrong here, so quit apologizing. This was her error, not yours. 

You need a backbone, OP. Don't let women push you around like this. And don't dive into insta-relationships with a woman you hardly know. You are seeing that this one is manipulative. And my strong hunch is that she's looking for a way to cut you loose and blame you. 

In the future, don't put the horse before the cart. You two both raced into something when you are still strangers to each other and you're seeing that she is not that great. I would personally let her go. She's too much work. 

 

[poorlittlefish]

She's playing mind games and it isn't nice.  She has failed to acknowledge that she played a massive part in the second date failing to happen and is punishing you for it.  That also isn't nice.  If someone can behave like this right at the start of a relationship, do you somehow think she is going to behave differently further down the line?  You're setting yourself up for a whole world of misery.  Stop replying to her breadcrumbs and get on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

There was one date. This went wrong at every turn. First of all "texting non-stop" for a month before meeting.

Then being so lazy that you ask her to drive to your location, then contact you when she gets there?

You need to learn how to date appropriately. No wonder she ghosted you.

Next time. Send a few messages, then arrange a brief coffee meeting at a mutually convenient time and place.

 What's up with planning sex on the second date?

Her friends and family most likely told her you're just another horndog looking for hookups. And a lazy horndog who expects women to drive to his location and call so you don't have to wait.

[Batya33]

You're going to have sex with someone you met once in person and she's someone who doesn't want to be with men who only want sex yet she's agreeing to have sex after meeting you once -not even a real date yet? Prepaid phone? Why? Likely because she is married/committed elsewhere which is also why she didn't change her status. You got attached to a stranger by typing and talking so you created this fantasy.

Think about it -it is really rare that if two people are in an exclusive relationship that if one person doesn't show up for a date that the other will assume that person wants to end things.  Because if you agree to be exclusive with someone it's usually because you know and trust the person (or I do understand some people will only date one person at a time so they insist on exclusivity meaning -we will only date and look to date each other even though we just met -but that's rarer IMO). 

So you are calling this person your girlfriend and you jump to the conclusion that she's not showing up because of you - not because she is ill/had an emergency/phone out of battery.  Shows you that you don't know or trust this person at all and yet you were going to have sex right away (and after she told you about her dirty laundry and feeling like she only meets men who are after sex).

There is nothing to let go -you met once in person, she flaked on the second time.  Just don't ask her out again.  

You created a fantasy and so you ignored the pink and red flags. I'm sorry it didn't work out and it's absolutely a great life lesson.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, KlearKut said:

 Her level of effort now dropped by more than 90%.

Excellent. It matches yours now. 

[Batya33]

Many people choose not to go on a real date after meeting once. She acted like a jerk about it because she didn't show up and even if you assume it was not her fault (ummmm) she didn't try to reschedule.  But her communication dropped 90% because people who choose not to go on a first or second date after meeting -many! - drop their communication by 90%. Her typing and talking to you before you met had nothing to do with interest in dating you in person so there was no "pattern"

[catfeeder]

She said she went to the meeting spot at the right time, did you?

That aside, I think planning on sex for a second date may have been too much, too soon for her.

She might have wanted but not wanted to at the same time, maybe believing it was the only way to keep you interested.

I'd pull way back and let her step up if she's interested. Read my sig.

[tattoobunnie]

13 hours ago, KlearKut said:

she did show up were we agreed to meet and waited there for me for 40 minutes... Got tired of waiting and went back to her town. I accidentally stood my girl up... 😞

 

You're the one who stood her up.  She should be mad.

[boltnrun]

One date and you're in a relationship and all "I love you" and need a break from one another?

What's up with trying to force an insta-relationship? You two are literally strangers. Typing to one another for a month doesn't mean you know one another. No wonder there's drama and confusion and miscommunication.

[jazz_lover]

Seems a little suspicious her phone would conveniently stop working two hours before the scheduled date and then magically start working again right after she got home (on the assumption she did in fact wait for 40 minutes before driving the 26 minutes it takes to get home). It is very easy simply to switch off your mobile data and go AWOL. 

I think she simply got cold feet. That would fit with her going distant after the broken date and not being in any rush to reschedule and talking about wanting a break etc. 

And you compounded things by acting desperate after the broken date. She obviously got the sense you were worried about losing her or she wouldn't have felt the need to try to placate you by saying she still loves you and doesn't want to break up. And you keep pestering her for another date even though she gives you weak excuses and makes no effort to counter-offer. So you aren't really backing off you are still very much pursuing her while she is figuring out the best way to break it off completely. 

 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Seems a little suspicious her phone would conveniently stop working two hours before the scheduled date and then magically start working again right after she got home (on the assumption she did in fact wait for 40 minutes before driving the 26 minutes it takes to get home). It is very easy simply to switch off your mobile data and go AWOL. 

I think she simply got cold feet. That would fit with her going distant after the broken date and not being in any rush to reschedule and talking about wanting a break etc. 

And you compounded things by acting desperate after the broken date. She obviously got the sense you were worried about losing her or she wouldn't have felt the need to try to placate you by saying she still loves you and doesn't want to break up. And you keep pestering her for another date even though she gives you weak excuses and makes no effort to counter-offer. So you aren't really backing off you are still very much pursuing her while she is figuring out the best way to break it off completely. 

Who cares if your means of stalking her wasn't working. She shut off her phone to conserve battery.  You both made a plan, and she followed through.  You didn't.   Don't blame her for your paranoia.  So what if you couldn't pinpoint exactly what HER PHONE was doing.  You know 10 years ago, you there was no Whatsapp.  People called eachother on a phone, made plans and showed up.

You literally just didn't bother showing up.

[smackie9]

What's done is done and can't be undone....drop it and move on. 

[WalterSobcha]

A few random thoughts...

- You haven't known each other for a long time. This level of commitment / drama makes me think you both had too many expectations too soon.

- Why did you "plan" sex on the second date? It feels strange to actually make plans to have sex at a specific date.

- I would be wary if someone stood me up on a first date, but since the first date went well, I think she should understand there was just a communication problem about the second date, and let it go. Your explanation and requests for more dates should be enough for her if you had such a great thing going on. Are you sure she is emotionally mature?

- You should have showed up... but you know that already. Though I still think after an explanation/apology from you, this should be forgiven if you two are otherwise such a great match.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, WalterSobcha said:

A few random thoughts...

- You haven't known each other for a long time. This level of commitment / drama makes me think you both had too many expectations too soon.

- Why did you "plan" sex on the second date? It feels strange to actually make plans to have sex at a specific date.

- I would be wary if someone stood me up on a first date, but since the first date went well, I think she should understand there was just a communication problem about the second date, and let it go. Your explanation and requests for more dates should be enough for her. Are you sure she is emotionally mature?

I know of many situations where it's a topic of discussion in advance if the first time requires advance privacy-related planning or the couple is going on vacation and haven't had sex yet but talk about how it could be a romantic way for a first time, etc.  In his case it sounds too planned in a forced way especially since she shared with him that she'd been used in the past -doesn't add up. Also doesn't add up that he mistrusted that she would show up and yet he was going to have sex with her and risk STD/pregnancy.

[jazz_lover]

From the sound of it you both got turned on during the first date, started sexting, which led to some kind of discussion of logistics and plans to have sex. 

You seem confused and blindsided that it didn't happen. But I think in general women require some level of trust and comfort to have sex with someone whereas for men physical attraction and lust can be enough and blinded by lust they can easily ignore risks such as pregnancy/STDs etc. 

So I suspect before the date some doubts were building up in her mind and either these led to her flaking or your failure to show cemented the doubts and broke her trust. And if she gets the idea in her head that you are just after sex then your persistence in pushing for another date would strengthen that conviction in her mind especially as she already has a negative association with her prior experiences with men. 

Also it is crazy you are having all these intense conversations after the misunderstanding about feelings, breaking up etc. Way too much drama and I suspect that is also making her feel overwhelmed and want her space. 

I think your best bet was to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she did show up and apologize once, promise it wouldn't happen again, and offer to make it up to her by visiting her in her town the following weekend and taking her out for dinner. And if she made an excuse or seemed hesitant backed off and let her suggest meeting again when she felt ready to give you another chance. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I agree with this except this woman shared she had past bad experiences with men who just wanted sex.  Then she agreed to meet with a plan for sex.  She's an adult and she made up her mind for some reason to make this an exception.  Then maybe changed her mind.  We can't know and neither can he because for all dating purposes she's nearly a stranger to him -he's just built up some sort of actual romantic relationship in his fantasy/imagination.

I also know of many women who need no comfort level before having intercourse -it's fun for them and/or they like to know how a near stranger is in bed before dating him properly.  The gender divide to me is mostly based on pregnancy -women know they have the much greater burden were there to be an accidental pregnancy.

 

 

[jazz_lover]

Is it an exception? Or is there a pattern whereby she meets a guy she likes, he pressures her for sex, and she goes along with it because she doesn't want to disappoint him and is crushing on him, and then gets hurt? Maybe she was trying to break that pattern or had a sense of deja vu and started having doubts. Of course impossible to know. 

Agree that a lot of women have sex for fun or to test the chemistry. But those women are usually more mature than this one and don't get so emotionally involved texting guys they hardly know every day to say they love them and agreeing to an instarelationship on the basis of one date.