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Trying to get her back ... what should i do


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Hello everyone...

So here is my story, i dated a 31y girl i met on a dating app, we were together for 6 months... and after she decided to break up with me... That was mostly my fault, i would say i was not emotionally available because of my previous relationship and i was neglecting her... (for exemple she wanted to see me all the time, and i wanted to see her only on week end).

Well, she broke up with me eventhough i told her that i'm gonna change and did all the bad things (begged, pleaded, made a gift etc...) it didn't work, she is a strong woman and kinda stubborn too (she is a military). 😢

So i decided to go no contact and move on with my life... And 6 months passed... So we were together 6 months and i went 6 months no contact.

And i saw her on a dating website 2 weeks ago... Honestly it hurted and I told myself well, I have nothing to loose let's send her a message...

I got surprised she seemed happy to talk to me and came talking to me on facebook by herself, she looked kinda interested honestly, at least it's how i was feeling it... And after 3 days talking, she told me that we could continue talking but i should not think about anything "more".

I told her that i'm not interested in friendship and I walked away...

now it's been 2 weeks without talking to her and i'm seeing her face on every dating app, it's getting me crazy...I still have feeling for her and i think about it all the time...

I have a friend who got his gf back sending her a letter and saying how sorry he was etc... (but it's different he was in couple for 4 years...)

Me it was only a 6 months relationship but i would REALLY love to have another chance with this girl because i honestly believe that i can give alot more than what i did, i realised my mistakes.

Of course i can't force her... but do you think i could try to send her a last message ? opening my heart and telling her what i feel and how am i now, i just want to be sure that i'm not doing more harm than good...

Some people say the letter is a big NO and for some it worked...

i also feel i have nothing to loose but yeah, like i said, i don't want to make it worse (if it's possible to make it worse lol).

thanks you for your help!

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1 hour ago, boze said:

i would say i was not emotionally available because of my previous relationship and i was neglecting her...

I told her that i'm not interested in friendship and I walked away...

.. but do you think i could try to send her a last message ?

No. All those "get your ex back" sites tell you to send letters. Its a horrible idea.

She is not interested. She has told you twice now. Once when she broke up and again when she offered the friendzone.

Letters are invasive and desperate. Don't do it.

In fact stop contacting her. If you wanted her you would not have had your head wrapped up in your past and walled yourself off.

 Work on that. Don't just run after what you  lost/cant have. Work on reflecting where you are at and fix that.

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Okay, so things fell apart & she lost interest after 6 months involved. ( You still pining after an ex?)

Was YOUR choice to reach out to her again on the dating app.

And you also already did the 'begging/chasing' things when she first walked away.

So, WHY would writing her yet another letter when she has already told you to expect nothing more?

I say, leave it al alone now - don't make things worse than they already are by ticking her off!

Be respectful and be smart.

Accept what is now and walk away.

Sorry for your being hurt... Yah it can 😕 

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I reached out because she visited my profil on the date app, i said hi to her then i closed the app... (because i was scared of her reply)

then she reached on facebook asking why i was not replying on the app

then i posted a video of me showing my biceps on facebook and i wrote" you can see the rage from my biceps"

she came back asking me if this video was for her and asked if i was angry because i saw her on the date app, i told her no it was just a cool sentence that come with the video, nothing about her and i was not angry...

then i deleted the date app because i was sad to see her face there everytime, and because she was not seeing me on the app anymore, she though i blocked her...

she came asking me : why did you block me on the date app ? you're weird !

i said no i didn't block you, i just deleted the app.

then we talked about our life etc... honestly she showed some interest at first and she was also a bit weird thinking that everything was about her.

i don't know but yeah anyway, if i don't write anything to her, i can't show that i changed in 6 months and worked on myself... and i really like this girl. 😞

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Have you actually done anything to improve yourself over the last 6 months?  If not then leave her be.  But if you have done something other than realize you screwed up you need to not only live it and own it but also get her to see the changes in you.

  As I see it friendship is about your best hope.  You could give it a try and perhaps she will see you are different and change her mind and if it doesn't after a while you can tell her just being friends is just to hard for you because your feelings are still to strong.  The thing is you need to just be her friend and that is all.  She will see through anything else so you need to live this new you for it to be real.

  The letter is not a horrible idea for several reasons.

1. It lets you write down and admit and most of all take ownership of your mistakes. It also allows you to sincerely apologize for taking her for granted and not making her the priority she should have been. You get to thank her for sharing her life with you and all the wonderful times and how losing her really made you realize you needed to work on yourself.  Writing it down and sending it to her let's her read it over and over again which helps you cause over just telling her.

2. The letter gives you closure.  You poured your heart out, said your piece so she knows.  You can then walk away knowing you tried everything no matter what happens.

 Closure is a good thing, just make sure you are honest with her and most importantly with yourself.

Lost

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8 hours ago, boze said:

how to show any change and how to say that i realised my mistakes, if i can't write anything to her ?

If she's not been in much contact, then you need to realize she isn't that interested in finding out if you have changed. 

You said you weren't interested in friendship (rightfully so), and she let you walk away. If she wanted something more, she wouldn't have let you slip away that easily. Her silence is your answer, boze. 

 

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8 hours ago, boze said:

then i posted a video of me showing my biceps on facebook and i wrote" you can see the rage from my biceps"

she came back asking me if this video was for her and asked if i was angry because i saw her on the date app, 

😞

Stop dragging out the breakup. You're wasting your time.

You're playing silly games. 

 

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8 hours ago, boze said:

then she reached on facebook asking why i was not replying on the app

then i posted a video of me showing my biceps on facebook and i wrote" you can see the rage from my biceps"

It very much looks like you were trying to get her attention with that, OP. It's transparent.

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Posted (edited)

thanks for all your reply ! i already wrote my last message and sometimes i want to send it sometimes i don't want, it's weird lol 😅

and btw the video i put on my wall, i was not trying to get her attention because i don't have her in my friendlist and in my native langage "rage" can have two meanings, i don't know if it's the same in english, but there is the rage of winning, and the rage of anger.

in my case for the video it was the rage of winning, but she came checking my wall and though it was rage of anger because of her (anger showing my biceps ? it's weird lol).

Even my friends said that it was weird she though that lol, and same when i deleted my account on the date app, why did she came asking "why you blocked me on the app".

i will never know, some people told me she tried to see if i still wanted her and when she knew she got her ego boost and then she could leave again, i don't know and will probably never know, but it could be.

Of course i worked on myself those 6 months, i know that it would be different this time, not sure if i should accept the friendship because with girls once you are in friendzone, it's pretty difficult to get out of it 😞 and i will probably be sad to see her dating other guys too.

 

Edited by boze
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I reread previous theme about the girl(remembered because military stuff). I stand by to what I said on that thread, and that you should have got away from that even before those 6 months. You ignore so much red flags just to be with somebody. Even now after 6 months.

For example, you still play that games of hers. Where you become unavailable, she wonders about you, you come back like a puppie, and then she discards you. She is fine with your attention and asks that. She wont be with you. Anybody else that is in the right mindset for dating, would be turned off by those mind games. And would just moved on from somebody who has a mindset of a 15 year old teenager. But you are still there. And even want to write letters to somebody like that.

Just appreciate yourself more. You doing NC and separating yourself from that kind of person is the best thing you could have done. No ammount of you messaging, or even writing letters, would change that. She likes you being there orbiting. She doesnt like you to be serious with you. Probably with anyone since she has commitment issues. So just forget about her. Aftrer 6 months you still havent healed form her. And you want to get back to something unhealthy for you. That means that you still have work to do on yourself. Because the goal should be not to repeat the same mistakes again. And not to get back to the person who is clearly not right for you. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I reread previous theme about the girl(remembered because military stuff). I stand by to what I said on that thread, and that you should have got away from that even before those 6 months. You ignore so much red flags just to be with somebody. Even now after 6 months.

For example, you still play that games of hers. Where you become unavailable, she wonders about you, you come back like a puppie, and then she discards you. She is fine with your attention and asks that. She wont be with you. Anybody else that is in the right mindset for dating, would be turned off by those mind games. And would just moved on from somebody who has a mindset of a 15 year old teenager. But you are still there. And even want to write letters to somebody like that.

Just appreciate yourself more. You doing NC and separating yourself from that kind of person is the best thing you could have done. No ammount of you messaging, or even writing letters, would change that. She likes you being there orbiting. She doesnt like you to be serious with you. Probably with anyone since she has commitment issues. So just forget about her. Aftrer 6 months you still havent healed form her. And you want to get back to something unhealthy for you. That means that you still have work to do on yourself. Because the goal should be not to repeat the same mistakes again. And not to get back to the person who is clearly not right for you. 

wow that's crazy that you remember ! it was 6 months ago!

actually i was healing, was thinking about her from time to time but not much, and seeing her on the dating website shocked me, i got something weird in my heart and my belly.

Then when i tried to talk to her, she came on facebook and she really seemed interested that's how i got some hope and i got back into her...

She is now on like 3 differents dating app... and she got a twin sister who is on these app too... two twins that are 32y old on the same dating app, a bit weird and i see their face all the time...

I know that she is weird, even now that's so weird that she though the video was for her, and so weird she though i blocked her on the app while i just deleted my account... So yeah i know that maybe she is not the right person for me... but i also know that i did mistakes, i'm always thinking maybe if i didn't do those mistakes she would be different with me.

i'm seeing a psychologist, she told me, maybe she would ask for more if i did everything right, but yeah can't know

i will have to forget her again, i did it one time and i don't know, talking to her just 3 days made me into her again 😞 so stupid

Edited by boze
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You’re still hung up about her and upset about what she did to you but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not interested in any romance. 

Ignore the comments or questions from her about being friendly or calling you weird. Both of you should have swiped left and be done with it. She’s not interested so she was by far the “weird” and inconsistent one swiping right or reaching out to you on FB. There is no re-do.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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20 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You’re still hung up about her and upset about what she did to you but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not interested in any romance. 

Ignore the comments or questions from her about being friendly or calling you weird. Both of you should have swiped left and be done with it. She’s not interested so she was by far the “weird” and inconsistent one swiping right or reaching out to you on FB. There is no re-do.

we were able to talk to each other on the app without swiping right or left, because we matched already a year ago ^^

but yeah, i believe too she is the weird one (well i'm not perfect also) but she clearly showed interest at first..

it made me remembering some good moment with her and i feel *** again, i hate myself...

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you on all three as well browsing for women?

yes i do, i'm not ready to brows for guys, but maybe i would have less problems 🥲

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2 hours ago, boze said:

we were able to talk to each other on the app without swiping right or left, because we matched already a year ago ^^

but yeah, i believe too she is the weird one (well i'm not perfect also) but she clearly showed interest at first..

it made me remembering some good moment with her and i feel *** again, i hate myself...

yes i do, i'm not ready to brows for guys, but maybe i would have less problems 🥲

Guys too? Or did you mean other women? 

It's ok to feel nostalgic. Let it pass over you and give yourself a break from the dating apps. Shake this off and hang out with friends. When you're feeling ready, remove her from the old dating app profile and block her contact everywhere else. She is clearly misguided and confused. Start fresh and date other women. 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Guys too? Or did you mean other women? 

It's ok to feel nostalgic. Let it pass over you and give yourself a break from the dating apps. Shake this off and hang out with friends. When you're feeling ready, remove her from the old dating app profile and block her contact everywhere else. She is clearly misguided and confused. Start fresh and date other women. 

no i was making a joke about wiseman2 question, he asked if i was browsing for women, yeah of course, i'm not ready for guys 😂

I am single for 6 months now and i was really over her, i don't know the fact that she came on fb talking to me and asking me questions etc bring me into her again. i have no friends around me they are all maried in another town, doesn't help to stop thinking about nostalgic stuffs... 

and yes you are right, i should block her 😞

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so? You're on dating apps, she's on dating apps. You're broken up so you are both free to do whatever you wish.

i never asked her to stop dating app

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1 hour ago, boze said:

  

no i was making a joke about wiseman2 question, he asked if i was browsing for women, yeah of course, i'm not ready for guys 😂

I am single for 6 months now and i was really over her, i don't know the fact that she came on fb talking to me and asking me questions etc bring me into her again. i have no friends around me they are all maried in another town, doesn't help to stop thinking about nostalgic stuffs... 

and yes you are right, i should block her 😞

 

i never asked her to stop dating app

That's fine. Join a few clubs and make new friends. Friendships aren't instant. They take time so if you have the time try a few associations or clubs in your area that you may be interested in. You may not get along with everyone but at least it would seem much more enjoyable than looking at FB messages from an ex. 

Yes, do block her today.

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If you had really been that into her, you would've wanted to spend more than one time a week with her. That emotional baggage about not being emotionally available is nonsense and a smokescreen. You're having a dry spell and since there is no woman in your present, you're looking at the past, believing your happiness lies there.

As the saying goes, "When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."

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If she was interested in you she'd tell you.  If she's strong enough to break up with you, rest assured, she'll be strong enough to reach out if she wanted to and make her interest known.  Women are generally much emotionally stronger than men in this regard of relationships and get straight down to the point whereas men tend to go around the houses "feeling her out".  Don't. On no account must you contact her ever again.  If she gets into contact with you ask her for a date.  If she says no, get off the phone and block her immediately.  She should be blocked anyway so that if she was interested in you it would take more than five seconds reaching for her phone to get a hold of you.  Do not engage in small talk BS with someone who dumped you.

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