Parenthood hesitant, did you change your mind and did it work out?

[1a1a]

I always though ‘I’ll have a kid at some point’ and then I never thought any more about it. 

I was young enough it didn’t matter, and then there was a very long winter. And then there was a man I really thought I could build a life with but we got stuck long distance during covid, maintained a strong emotional connection, had no way of knowing about the chemistry. I thought when we could reunite the chemistry would come back and it was slow for me but it did, I think there was more fear holding me back than lack of interest. But then we came to crunch time because of my slow pace compared to his and because he already ready to have kids and when he pushed me on it this early in I cried. 
 

But it’s not that I don’t want them, I just thought you start building your life with a person and that feeling comes. And he feels like we’ve already been building that life for 2 years and I feel like we’ve just begun. 
 

So, without him, I start to wonder if I wait for the that feeling of wanting a kid to come it might never and I’ll miss out on something I do actually want to experience. And if I actually do want a kid, and I do want him, and that’s the only reason he ended it (and not one more reason on top of a whole bunch of reasons) shouldn’t I work this out and give us a chance to not be ships in the night? 
 

So, parenthood hesitant folk, what have your experiences been. Did you change your maybe to a yes and love it? Hate it? How do you work out if the yes is for you or the other person? If everyone waited for the perfect time to have kids I don’t think anyone would have any so why am I?

 

Edit to add: I think I cried because I don’t feel ready. But I can identify the reasons Why I don’t feel ready. I can’t take care of myself yet. But it’s not that I can’t, it’s a choice. So I’m making changes, being more adult. As the ex pointed out I just drift through life taking it as it comes. And I was happy with that but now I see it’s going to cost me things. Worried about finances? Then I will sit down and work out what kind of cash I’d need to embark on parenthood. Surrounded by my hoard of objects, the physical manifestation of a wall I’ve built around myself? It’s time. It’s time to get rid of it all, do I want to hold onto these things more than I want to build a life with someone? Absolutely not! Random assortment of dreams and aspirations never acted on and left over from my 20s? I can reevaluate these, they might not be as important to 35 year old me. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

 because I don’t feel ready. But I can identify the reasons Why I don’t feel ready. I can’t take care of myself yet. But it’s not that I can’t, it’s a choice.

^ I think that's all you need to know.  As long as you don't feel ready (for whatever reason), never, ever bow down to pressure from anyone to have children when you either don't want them (yet), or "can't take care of yourself yet".  That's plenty valid reasons NOT to bring children into this world (imo).

Also, there is nothing wrong with choosing not to have children.  Plenty people choose not to have kids and are pretty happy with their lives and choices.

[Blue_Skirt]

My advice, in case of doubt, don’t put children into this world. I knew I never wanted to have children since age 17, I am in my 50ies now. You can have a perfectly fulfilled life without children.

[Wiseman2]

Don't start a family with someone you're unsure of. It's not about "parent hesitant" it's about your relationship is not stable or happy.

If he needs residency or a permanent place to live, let him figure that out. It's not your job to provide that,nor is it your job to create an anchor child for this guy.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Today I sent him quiz results from a ‘do I want a baby quiz’ 

Why not wait until you're in a  relationship that is established, stable and you are married and living together before you ponder this?

[Kwothe28]

I mean its not really mutually exclusive thing. You can want kids even without having somebody. Lots (even maybe most) people are like that and have that in mind when they date. Having a right person for that is a must for many. But its just a feeling you have or you dont have.

Let me explain. I have an acquaintance. She is 39. Tall, pretty, sports type, has college, not a steady job but manages to earn enough, even going abroad to earn money. And yet she didnt find somebody for marriage. She had some guy for a long time, he was very abusive. So she was scarred and her picker is kinda off. She even says stuff like "There is no guy in a whole country for me". Anyway, she wants kids. As she is near the years when that would be near impossible and hasnt found anyone, she decided for a clinic. Dunno if she has done it yet, but she went abroad once again to earn money to pay. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, you feel that you are not ready then you are not ready. There is no "Oh maybe I will see to date someone and after 2 years maybe my mind change". And you need to have that in mind when you date. And that some people like your ex would want kids after they see if you can work it out to, for example to live together. Its your job to be upfront about that and see if your goals are same. For example I want kids of my own. So single moms who dont want them anymore are not in my list no matter how good or compatible they are. It cuts your dating pool in your 30s, but that is how it is. You should do the same. If you feel you dont want kids, your future partners would need to know. Some of them will leave, some of them will be willing to stay and see if they can work it out. But its important that your goals match. Because it is a big deal and you both better be sure.

[1a1a]

Blueskirt, this is reassuring to read

 

wiseman, because I am having a little trouble distinguishing between the time spent building emotional intimacy whilst stuck long distance and the very short amount of time spent face to face (which I think is all that counts but the attachment grown over that time apart is not nothing). Which if that counted then until a few days ago I was in a pretty stable relationship. Which seems to have ended because of the different ideas about when to have kids. 
 

Kwothe, I am certain I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t want kids. I think I want them. It’s the when that is the kicker. The risk aversion. The not ever doing anything I’m not super ready for. Like I can’t say this side of spending time actually having a relationship together that I’ll feel ready. But maybe I’ll never feel ready. But if I actually want to be a mum I don’t have so much time to wait and see these days.

[Andrina]

Things to find out about someone before moving in together, which he wanted to do do in two months time, which would be 4 months of knowing each other in 3D:

If he takes care of you well when you're sick.

If he has the capability of being faithful, and has good ethics in other areas as well.

That he has no skeletons in the closet that are dealbreakers. That he's financially responsible. That he makes you feel like you're a priority. That he has a healthy balance of what he devotes his time and energy into.

Those are things it usually takes a good year to know. If you're feeling rushed by him, it's no wonder. With his timeline, you'd be off birth control around next Valentine's Day. I'm sure your gut roils thinking of that prospect and for good reason. It's normally a good idea to be a married couple for a good while before bringing a child into the world. The couple needs to have built a strong bond first to be able to handle all the stress of having a child. Because children are wonderful, but it's also stressful when your time is altered longterm to devote it to someone totally dependent on you. Children are expensive. They cry. They often get sick since they haven't built their immunities. Seeking proper care outside of the home for them is so stressful, entrusting your child to someone else. A couple's possible differences in childrearing. And the list goes on.

I wouldn't even bother meeting with him again. He's at a 100 percent determination to start a family in a year, and you're at 50 percent for an undetermined date. He bailed instead of further in-depth discussions. To me, space never resolves anything. If someone needs space from me like I'm toxic fumes, I slam the door shut and am totally done. IMO, two people need to match in all the major ways in present time. Time invested should never be a consideration when deciding to move forward with someone, and at any rate, your time together is really a blink of an eye in the span of things.

[mylolita]

Hey 1a1a,

 

I’m sorry you are in this bind. 
 

Just to echo what everyone else has said very well, you really haven’t known your boyfriend very long at all, and the idea he is pressuring you to start a family is just not cool at all - it’s a massive no no. I agree with others, you need someone on the same page.

 

I also agree with Andrina - living together for at least a year is kind of a good test, you really get to know their moods, habits, quirks, ins and outs. People can quite easily hide their true selves during brief meetings, or weekends with you, but in each other’s pockets and living together, you will definitely see if your relationship is what you want. I am quite traditional as well and I think it is a very nice open and serious commitment to be married before children, in an ideal world. It’s better and more stable for the children as well.

 

I think you have answered your own question though! In your heart of hearts, right now, you are not saying never but just not now; and that should be good enough.

 

It’s a terrible catch 22, the will I regret not having children question, because unfortunately until you have had them, you would never know if you regretted it or not! Everyone thinks they are going to be a certain type of parent and sometimes you surprise yourself. Being pregnant, raising babies, it’s no walk in the park, so you have to have the love of your life right by your side to help share all the tough times and the amazing times and everything inbetween. You need that certainty and love for your partner to successfully raise kids in a happy environment. 
 

You can have everything going for you - high powered career, lots of money in the bank, everything worked out with schools and all the rest and birth plans and organised nursery but all kids need, all they really need, is for you to love them, unconditionally. All the rest just gets in the way and complicates life and raising babies. It’s a mega ride, you have to really have that partner in crime who is aligned with you because, everyone needs someone, you can’t raise a baby alone. Everyone needs help at some point.

 

I understand the age pressure women have, I also understand if you do want children, you can’t wait forever, biology just won’t let you - but it has to be with the right man and y’know, you should feel excited by it mostly, and I don’t get that impression you feel like that towards a baby right now or your boyfriend?

 

All the best hunny,

 

Lo x

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

I have always wanted kids, but could never picture it, until I started dating my now hubs again.  My body literally ovulated for an entire month; I thought something was wrong, so saw my gyno, and yup, ovulated for a whole month with spotting (sorry, TMI, but SCIENCE!).   It think it's super hormone driven like you found your mate.  And I really wanted to marry and have kids with him.  I find in many cases, when they aren't ready, it's because they aren't feeling it for the one they are with.

[Batya33]

I don’t know of anyone who believes they’ve chosen the perfect time to have kids or that that is a standard. For anyone. But pun intended that doesn’t mean throw baby out with the bath water.  There is no perfect time. You’re not being risk averse at all. Of course you should be as you put it super ready.  I did not get pregnant at the perfect time at all. But yes we planned it and yes we were ready and yes being ready made a huge difference in the way we parented.  I felt like I won the lottery. 
 

There are wrong times.
To me the wrong time is if you’re not at least 100% sure (I am not talking here about an accidental pregnancy- that’s a different analysis and the 100% sure might not apply or at least in tire same way given the alternatives). 

I would never have met or dated someone after age 24 let’s say who said he wasn’t sure about having kids or wasn’t sure about generally when. 
Or if he said “I would with the right person”. 
I do know of people who weren’t entirely sure when they were young and then they were. I know of one couple where he had 4 kids with his first wife and she died. He was really into this woman after who said she wouldn’t date him because he didn’t want more kids.  He didn’t. Then he told her later he did. So they married and had twins when he was in his mid to late 50s. Seems really happy.  
One of my friend’s daughters is hesitant. She is in her 30s. I believe she’ll change her mind if she meets the right guy because I think she did want kids and then didn’t (she’s divorced no kids ). 
I have another friend who got pregnant while married and wasn’t ready.  She had twins. Then a few years later she got pregnant again accidentally - still married - and had a third child. She really does love being a mom.  She’s a great mom. But she’s unhappily married and her husband has terminal cancer so life is very very hard for her.  But I don’t believe her former hesitation affects her parenting. 
Other than a true accident I’d never risk having a child while hesitant. I’m not personally sure I could abort (or give up for adoption) so that’s why I shared that exception. (And I’m done having children and have been for at least a couple of years - I’m old!). 
good luck 

[catfeeder]

I think you're smart to pull back from anyone who would use the pressure tactic, '...it MUST be now or nothing'.

People who rush tend to be hiding something or hiding from something, whether they realize it or not.

My guess is that most people who regret their timing in having children base much of that regret on their choice of partner rather than the child.

 

[boltnrun]

My ex-husband pushed me into getting married.  I was 20 freaking years old and he told me I either agree to marry him or he'd break up with me.  I should have stood my ground, but I didn't want to breakup, so I married him right after I turned 22.

Notice I refer to him as my EX-husband.

I had been a teenager just a year prior to when he started pressuring me!  To quote that silly Jerry Lee Lewis movie, I can't be a wife!!! I'm only 22 years old! (Well, she was 13 but you get the point).

Don't agree to have a baby just to try to "keep" him. 

Think very hard about how much you'd have to change your life.  Yeah, I get it, that other couple just brings their baby everywhere but how would you care for a baby while you're doing the job you do?  Who would watch the baby while you're setting up?  Can you afford to pay for a sitter to keep the baby while you travel?  Can you get up throughout the day and night to feed, change and comfort a baby?  Can you do your job on very little sleep?  Would this man be willing to give 100% of his time to childcare while you travel for work?  Also, I know you mentioned you have trouble getting places on time.  The baby can't wait to be fed or changed.  It has to happen when they need it to happen.  And you can't be late picking up from daycare.  They charge a LOT of money if you pick up past closing time (when my kids were little it was a dollar for each minute.  And if you were more than 30 minutes late, they called the police.  Not good.)

I think you're just panicking because you want to be in some kind of relationship, and you think this guy is your last chance.  Well, he's not.  It has to be the right relationship.  Life partners are not plug and play.

Don't allow fear and panic to steer your ship.  When it's the right relationship you won't have these fears.

[Jibralta]

On 2/17/2022 at 9:46 PM, 1a1a said:

I always though ‘I’ll have a kid at some point’ and then I never thought any more about it. 

Same here. Now I'm 45, no kid. Very happy and content. I now realize that I didn't really ever want kids. 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex-husband pushed me into getting married.  I was 20 freaking years old and he told me I either agree to marry him or he'd break up with me.  I should have stood my ground, but I didn't want to breakup, so I married him right after I turned 22.

Notice I refer to him as my EX-husband.

I had been a teenager just a year prior to when he started pressuring me!  To quote that silly Jerry Lee Lewis movie, I can't be a wife!!! I'm only 22 years old! (Well, she was 13 but you get the point).

Don't agree to have a baby just to try to "keep" him. 

Think very hard about how much you'd have to change your life.  Yeah, I get it, that other couple just brings their baby everywhere but how would you care for a baby while you're doing the job you do?  Who would watch the baby while you're setting up?  Can you afford to pay for a sitter to keep the baby while you travel?  Can you get up throughout the day and night to feed, change and comfort a baby?  Can you do your job on very little sleep?  Would this man be willing to give 100% of his time to childcare while you travel for work?  Also, I know you mentioned you have trouble getting places on time.  The baby can't wait to be fed or changed.  It has to happen when they need it to happen.  And you can't be late picking up from daycare.  They charge a LOT of money if you pick up past closing time (when my kids were little it was a dollar for each minute.  And if you were more than 30 minutes late, they called the police.  Not good.)

I think you're just panicking because you want to be in some kind of relationship, and you think this guy is your last chance.  Well, he's not.  It has to be the right relationship.  Life partners are not plug and play.

Don't allow fear and panic to steer your ship.  When it's the right relationship you won't have these fears.

Oh my oh my!

 

I was 21 when I got engaged and married by 23. How long did you guys last Bolt? 🤣🤣🤣

 

x

[Batya33]

If it's limited to "thinking about having a kid at some point" it's not IMO the right level -not even close- of being ready to be a parent.