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Updated.. need advice on guys actions


kar0941
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So I posted about this guy like two weeks ago but I feel like more things have happened that have made me even more confused and I just need some outside advice. Basically backstory is that I started hooking up & talking to (through snapchat) one of my friend’s guy friends. This started towards the end of the summer when we were down the street from each other and then once the summer ended I moved about 40 min away and he was at his parents house. We talked through snapchat every day and got to know each other well.  We’ve continued to talk through holidays/weekends where he’s been away & so on. In october we talked a little less for like a week and a half and then saw each other again and picked up right where we left off & continued to talk every day. Throughout this time he’s made comments to my friend about being interested and his friend talked to me about how he doesn’t have a lot of experience with more relationship type stuff and insinuated that id have to take control. 

 

We kept hooking up every few weeks when he was in the area and talking throughout the day until about a month and a half ago when he moved 10 min away from me. Now my roommates and his friends/roommates are all really good friends. Still talking every day &  started hanging every weekend/hooking up, whether with friends or alone since he moved closer. We never went on a one on one date but things felt really good and comfortable where we were at. Then, him and his friends come over NYE. He kisses me at midnight and sleeps over. Ever since then, talking seems really off. He seems not as into it/some days are better than others but definitely a lot less talking/engaging than before. However, we’ve still hung out every weekend and things are totally normal in person. He flirts and seems really interested, remembers things i’ve told him in the past about myself and my family etc & we hung out for hours alone last weekend & it was so nice, we click really well. It’s just weird to me that the talking over the phone during the week has been so off. I know people are busy so they don’t need to have a conversation every day, but it’s just such a difference to what we were doing before and I’m really confused. Do I bring it up or just see if maybe it’s a weird time and it might blow over? I don’t want to make the friendship awkward because now all my friends are friends with him and his friends and we will be together a lot now since we live close and will be living close over the summer. 

Edited by kar0941
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Considering all this talking going on, you must have a good idea of what is happening in his life. Are you leaving bits of info out or do you really have no idea why he seems off? 

You’re not dating either. This is a casual hookup style fwb arrangement so either of you could be seeing other people.

There’s no reason to be awkward. Just be more direct. If you want to date exclusively say so and tell him that. He can disagree if he’s not feeling it. 

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So, you're about 4-5 months in now? And you've worded this as 'hook ups'.  So, you're really not sure IF you're exclusive now.. or why he seems quieter lately , phone wise?

Guys ( or some people)  are not always so 'chatty', so maybe he's gotten bored with all of that now.  Things do often settle a little after the honeymoon phase ends. Doesn't mean they're not interested.

As mentioned, if you're uncertain and you want something for real here, you need to 'talk'.  Communication is necessary in any relationship.

 

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You didn't really say in your posts whether you have feelings for this guy and maybe you'd like it to be more than just hookups? From everything you've written it doesn't really sound like he wants a relationship with you unfortunately. I don't think it really matters if he's been in relationships much or not. If he had feelings for you I'm sure he has enough experience (which you don't need really) to just ask you to go out somewhere. I think he's just happy with the hookup arrangement you have and doesn't necessarily want to take it further. He probably does enjoy talking to you but maybe he just felt like you're a friend/FWB. And now he seems to be losing interest in the conversation aspect of it. I think if you want to know where you stand you should just ask?

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You say you two have never had a one-on-one date. 

That says it all, in my opinion, about what his intentions are, and they aren't to date you. You two are having casual sex and enjoy each other's company but his interest seems to be fading now. 

You could have a conversation with him, if you wish, but I think the writing is on the wall. 

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7 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Considering all this talking going on, you must have a good idea of what is happening in his life. Are you leaving bits of info out or do you really have no idea why he seems off? 

You’re not dating either. This is a casual hookup style fwb arrangement so either of you could be seeing other people.

There’s no reason to be awkward. Just be more direct. If you want to date exclusively say so and tell him that. He can disagree if he’s not feeling it. 

Right that’s what is so bizarre, I really don’t know why he’s being like this, there’s actually exciting stuff going on with his family & nothing seems different about his life otherwise. It happened right after we saw each other for NYE but nothing off happened that night either & again, when we see each other in person it’s like back to our usual relationship that we’ve had over the past few months. 

Yes he could be seeing other people but based on when I talk to him/his friends I feel like that’s not what’s happening. I want to talk to him to get answers I just don’t want to make things weird. 

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6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

So, you're about 4-5 months in now? And you've worded this as 'hook ups'.  So, you're really not sure IF you're exclusive now.. or why he seems quieter lately , phone wise?

Guys ( or some people)  are not always so 'chatty', so maybe he's gotten bored with all of that now.  Things do often settle a little after the honeymoon phase ends. Doesn't mean they're not interested.

As mentioned, if you're uncertain and you want something for real here, you need to 'talk'.  Communication is necessary in any relationship.

 

Right, we haven’t had an exclusivity talk yet, but based on talking to him/his friends in general I don’t think he’s going on dates with other people. Maybe talking to others, but I still don’t see why the immediate change in responses over the phone. 

Yes I need to talk to him since this is bothering me I just don’t want to make things awkward in the friend group. 

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4 minutes ago, kar0941 said:

Right, we haven’t had an exclusivity talk yet, but based on talking to him/his friends in general I don’t think he’s going on dates with other people. Maybe talking to others, but I still don’t see why the immediate change in responses over the phone. 

Yes I need to talk to him since this is bothering me I just don’t want to make things awkward in the friend group. 

You have to decide the upsides and downsides.  My sense is if he's willing to hook up with you and know you can keep your options open he's not looking for serious potential with you or to date you properly.  Or he wouldn't have wanted to risk you getting snapped up by someone else. If you truly are comfortable being intimate with him yet not simply asking him -simple, no huge drama - just one sentence -what his intentions are towards you I think you have your answer. 

Please assume he is keeping his options open if he is not exclusive with you - whether he is dating someone now or otherwise.  He could meet someone today and it would be totally fine for him to pursue that person.  Please don't look for signs among your mutual friends - it's a waste of time.  I think he's acting normally for your arrangement  - he calls you when it's time to see each other in person and hang out and hook up.  Whether he calls more or less doesn't mean anything because it's simply a casual arrangement.

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6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You didn't really say in your posts whether you have feelings for this guy and maybe you'd like it to be more than just hookups? From everything you've written it doesn't really sound like he wants a relationship with you unfortunately. I don't think it really matters if he's been in relationships much or not. If he had feelings for you I'm sure he has enough experience (which you don't need really) to just ask you to go out somewhere. I think he's just happy with the hookup arrangement you have and doesn't necessarily want to take it further. He probably does enjoy talking to you but maybe he just felt like you're a friend/FWB. And now he seems to be losing interest in the conversation aspect of it. I think if you want to know where you stand you should just ask?

I do have feelings for him but I was fine with the arrangement before as well, talking throughout the week and then hanging out and hooking up on weekends. We never had a conversation about wanting more or anything so I thought everything was OK where it was which was fine with me. This is why it’s all so random/sudden that the communication would be like almost cut off right after we saw each other new year’s eve, but then he still wants to hang out and things are so good in person. 

It bothers me that nothing happened and there was this huge change in communication & that we hook up and he barely answers the next day when two weeks ago we would talk all day. 

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2 minutes ago, kar0941 said:

I do have feelings for him but I was fine with the arrangement before as well, talking throughout the week and then hanging out and hooking up on weekends. We never had a conversation about wanting more or anything so I thought everything was OK where it was which was fine with me. This is why it’s all so random/sudden that the communication would be like almost cut off right after we saw each other new year’s eve, but then he still wants to hang out and things are so good in person. 

It bothers me that nothing happened and there was this huge change in communication & that we hook up and he barely answers the next day when two weeks ago we would talk all day. 

The problem is it's risky to start off with a casual arrangement like this -now you've changed your mind - and he apparently has not.  It's not because something happened -by definition it's casual so he can choose to stop talking with you or seeing you or cut back on talking with you whenever the mood strikes him - if you two had talked about your intentions and properly dated there's less of a risk of these sudden changes because the two people have an understanding about what they're doing and planning to do and there's less of a chance of someone suddenly changing with no warning.  It's the beauty and upside of this arrangement you agreed to from the get go -he can come and go as he pleases.

  It's fun, it's light .... until it's not.  Some people love this kind of arrangement as they truly are not looking for anything serious with anyone.  You may have lied to yourself a bit even from the beginning.  This is the downside of the fun and excitement. 

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36 minutes ago, kar0941 said:

I want to talk to him to get answers I just don’t want to make things weird. 

You don't say if the effort was mutual or you were the one mostly reaching out and asking to get together. In any case, if this was moving to something serious, there would be progression. There is none, and now there is even regression. That's a clear signal he's just not that into you. If he wanted to wow you and make you his alone, he'd be treating you to nice outings at a restaurant, ask you about your life, and seeing you more than once a week.

Perhaps learn from this experience and go about trying to date in the more normal ways. Giving the guy the chance to ask you on real dates and see if he has patience to get intimate. That will probably be more along the lines of getting what you really want out of dating.

In your quote, if you can't speak to a guy about those important things, it's a shaky situation that you know will crumble, so that's why you're hesitant. I'd tell him you wanted more from a dating experience and if he asks details, let him know. If he doesn't ask, walk away.

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1 hour ago, kar0941 said:

It bothers me that nothing happened and there was this huge change in communication & that we hook up 

How do you know "nothing happened"? Perhaps he's dating others or hooking up with others he texts all day. 

What you do know is there is a shift in his interest and it's just a waste of your time having sex when he doesn't want anything else.

 Set yourself free so you can date, because it appears that you want and would rather have a BF or at least a FWB.

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10 hours ago, kar0941 said:

Do I bring it up or just see if maybe it’s a weird time and it might blow over? I don’t want to make the friendship awkward because now all my friends are friends with him and his friends and we will be together a lot now since we live close and will be living close over the summer. 

Well, from what you described, it sounds to me like your friends with benefits. He's having a good time with you when you are together which is a lot.  But he's not worried about what it is. 

So in that way,  are your feelings lopsided?

You should decide what you want from this guy. 

If you don't want to rock the boat with a friend, then stay as you are but don't be surprised if he eventually starts dating someone.

It's a huge mistake to believe the excuse that he doesn't have much experience. He has you doing a dance doesn't he? 

If you do want a relationship with actual dates, then you should say so. And if he is not interested in that than at least you know.  You don't have to make it awkward. 

If he says he wants to stay friends or as is, then you gracefully bow out. You say you're glad you guys had such a good time together but you're looking for something more. You're still friends, no hard feelings.  

Then you pull completely away. You only see him in groups and you act ok until you are ok.  But in the mean time get busy with your own life. 

Treat yourself with respect. There's no shame in wanting more after all this time and it's really freaking attractive to know what you want and to not be afraid to walk away from what you don't want. 

I wouldn't be surprised if he either comes around or another guy sees this happening and steps up.

You have options! Don't sell yourself  short! 

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