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Open Discussion - Online Dating & Apps


Carnatic
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4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Oh yes, in a pink wig

You're a perfectly nice looking guy. I don't see why you're having trouble dating.... are you showing up to dates in a dinosaur costume or something?

4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I do still think though that Tinder and its clones probably most closely match the way people meet each other in bars and the like in real life. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I don't know, I guess it depends how easy people find it to get matches on there and get past the whole online thing and to the in-person thing.

You know, you're probably correct in that the swiping is close to the way that you meet people in real life. For example, at a crowded bar, people are always scanning each other, sometimes pausing to make brief eye contact with someone who catches their eye. But that brief, shared moment interest doesn't always culminate in something. Maybe you'll see each other again, maybe not. The swipes are like the eye contact. I guess the bar is getting bigger and bigger.

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2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

So, a question for people. What sort of things do you put in your profiles? What sorts of photos of you do you like? What sorts of information do you put in or leave out. Is it just personal preference or do you look up guides (there are many, so I know it's a thing) online on how to create a profile.

I didn't use guides because there were none. I'm glad about that actually. It probably would have over complicated things.

My very first profile was in eHarmony and I didn't let my photo get released until me and the guy had completed the Q&A series. The photo was this really close-up headshot--that sort of thing never would have flown in 2022 (or 2010 for that matter). But this was 2005 and there was no way in hell I was going to let an image of my body get on the internet lol. I think my age did all the work in that profile anyway lol.

When I rejoined circa 2009 - 2011ish, I was over my picture phobia. I posted maybe 3 or 4. Enough so that someone could get a general idea of what I looked like. For my profile, I just answered the questions on the webform (I was using OKCupid). I did a couple of the quizzes, too. That's actually how I ended up on the site: I took a quiz and had to register for something to get the results and lo and behold I was on a dating site!

I tried to keep my profile light, except for the caveat that I wasn't interested in dating married (or otherwise involved) men. I made that as ice cold as possible. 

Edited by Jibralta
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19 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You're a perfectly nice looking guy. I don't see why you're having trouble dating.... are you showing up to dates in a dinosaur costume or something?

Thanks, the photo is probably one of me looking as good as I possibly can in a photo though... I use similar photos on dating sites (not in a wig), certain angles in certain lights I look OK and not especially obese. It feels like a bit of a misrepresentation though, I'm think I'm one of those guys who women turn up to the date and think 'oh... disappointing'. I don't really have much charisma though so I'm not blaming it entirely on my appearance.

And there's a further point for discussion in that. I've seen quite a lot of dating profiles (hetero women) using particularly unflattering photos. Could it be a deliberate tactic, especially if a woman is traditionally attractive in Western culture, to weed out shallower guys... or so that they know they will look better in person. Sometimes it's because it's a photo showing some aspect of their interests or personality and you can see why it was included, but I'm talking basic selfies that are unflattering, sometimes when they have more flattering ones elsewhere in their profile.

So another talking point right there is about using basic selfies versus photos showing you doing some activity or related to one of your interests. I don't really enjoy being photographed so the photos I do have of myself are just basic selfies, I notice that I'm having a good hair day or a day when I'm less fat than usual and I take a quick photo thinking I might be able to use that, but any photos that do exist, usually taken by someone else, that show me actually doing something, I can't bear to look at and certainly wouldn't really help me get matches even if they do show something more about myself than 'hey look, I'm a human being, I have two eyes see'.

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I wanted my photos to be accurate so there were no surprises.  I could not stand when men put inaccurate photos and that would happen in particular with weight.  What a waste of both our time.  I was in love with a man who was very very obese and I wasn't fixated on a particular physique but since I am fit/slim I was looking for the same in a partner.  Many men told me anecdotes about meeting women in person who'd lied about their weight/posted misleading photos.  It's just a bad look and counterproductive IMO.

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3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I don't really have much charisma though so I'm not blaming it entirely on my appearance.

I agree with Batya that accurate photos are more important than flattering ones. There's a lot more to attractiveness than looks. In-person interaction is a big part of attractiveness--how you 'work' together, your comfort level in each other's presence. Stuff like that. What do you think is getting in the way of your charisma? 

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How different would it all be if photos were not allowed and you actually had to read the profile and focus on compatibility first? 😮  I can't tell anything about anyone by looking at a picture, but I could get a lot of info by reading a detailed profile--not necessarily what it said because anyone could bs their way through a profile if they had to i.e. "I like candlelit dinners and gazing into my beloved's eyes"--but ultimately I always wanted to weed out based on important things like writing style and spelling and grammar; therefore the "do they look like their pictures?" nonsense is a complete and total waste of time.

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I think when it comes to choosing photos most of us (I mean, nobody who has posted here so far but I still feel the majority of people) choose ones that make us feel better about ourselves... so it's a tricky one because you could put up the most brutally and grotesquely honest photos of yourself you can find... and you may even get matches because people appreciate the honesty but it's still difficult to feel good about yourself, not just physically but as a human being if you find the majority of photos of yourself so revolting.

What I'm saying is I don't think people who select the best-looking photos of themselves are necessarily consciously trying to mislead, people often don't feel comfortable in their own skin.

For what it's worth I do write in my profile that I'm obese, but I can't quite bring myself to take some new photos of myself that really show off how many chins I have or how much I look like a slug.

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On 1/15/2022 at 12:57 AM, waffle said:

How different would it all be if photos were not allowed and you actually had to read the profile and focus on compatibility first? 😮  I can't tell anything about anyone by looking at a picture, but I could get a lot of info by reading a detailed profile.

Could be interesting, are there any dating sites that specifically do that? I'd be willing to try it out. I guess I'd be more likely to match based on a written profile than on a photo. I think you can tell things about people by looking at their pictures though, what pictures they have chosen can tell you things besides the obvious photos showing them doing something.

Where I live, we're quite close to a popular national park and a good proportion of people, especially people who have moved here from elsewhere are here for the outdoor activities, and the same goes for Tinder, I would say a slighly majority (or a large minority) of tinder profiles I see feature at least one photo of the woman in active-gear, standing at the top of a mountain, rock-climbing or kayaking or riding a horse or something like that. Some of them it's clear it's a passion of theirs because they've chosen three or four photos of action sports. It's not really my thing though, I enjoy the occasional walk in the country but I'm much more of a city-dweller type.

On 1/13/2022 at 11:23 PM, Jibralta said:

What do you think is getting in the way of your charisma? 

I don't think something is getting in the way of it, I'm just naturally not very charismatic.

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I'm turning 37 in two weeks and I've been using online dating since I was probably about 18 years old. I've been doing it on and off all that time and I've never actually been in any serious relationship with anyone from online. Most of the dates from online didn't lead to anything and a couple maybe lead to hook up and a couple to some short term dating.

I've probably talked to to thousands of people on online dating and met hundreds but just nothing ever really came of it. For this reason I've actually been very sceptical that you can really find someone online. I logically know that it's possible though because my best friend met her husband of 13 years online. Also my other best friend has had a few relationships from online. The longest relationship she found from online dating lasted 15 months but the others were only a few months. I personally also don't know that many people that found someone from online dating, but I know a few.

My experience with online dating hasn't been bad as such but it's just been unsuccessful so far. Being a reasonably attractive woman with a bubbly personality, I never really had trouble with getting messages on online dating. But basically every time I met with someone in real life, there just wasn't romantic interest for either them or me, or both.

I actually always really want to give people a chance and really wanted to find someone, so I don't think I was being picky or anything. I didn't even care about people's looks or body size or anything that much. I was just looking for a really good connection and click, that "spark" that I guess everyone wants to find in a relationship. I actually don't think I ever found that with anyone I'd met on dating sites or apps. I've had a few serious relationships which were all about two years long, but they were all with people I met in real life.

One problem with online dating I think is that it creates this idea that you can always "do better". I'm not sure if it's whether there is a lot of hookup culture now so people don't necessarily want to settle down, but it just seems to me like it was a lot easier to find someone like 20-30 years ago. For example, my parents met at a party when my Mum was 19 and Dad was 21. After dating only for four months, they got engaged. After one year together they got married.

I know that these days people get married a lot older but it also seems like people are actually very hesitant to get into a serious relationship. I think that swiping on the dating apps creates this feeling that there are more and more people out there you can find. More people you can date and sleep with. So people are either hesitant to commit either because they want to still be able to sleep with different people, or because they're scared they're going to choose the "wrong" person because there's someone "better" still out there.

I think before the dating apps people tended to just think: "Well I've found this person and I really like them, so I'll just choose them". I guess obviously opportunities to actually meet people weren't as high because there weren't any dating sites. Or even any internet at all when my parents were dating for example. People were probably just limited to meeting a potential partner through their work and friendship or hobby circles. Now you can literally find thousands of people on the apps so I think it creates the illusion that you can always find someone better or at least find someone new if you decide to reject someone quickly.

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I went on blind dates for many years as did many of my friends and set up many many people on blind dates.  No photos ever.  Late 90s or so was the first time I had a request for a photo from someone I was trying to set up on a blind date. You'd get a description and that's it.  It worked well.

My photos were flattering and not misleading -I mean if you post a photo from a formal event obviously it's known you did your best to look nice for the event.  I refused to meet men in person who asked me for more photos.  Ick. I've told the story here about how when online dating was new a lovely guy posted a photo showing one side of his face with the other side not too visible.  We clicked on the phone.  When we met I discovered why.  He'd had multiple surgeries on his face and neck.  That side of his face and neck were severely scarred and severely deformed.  I have no real idea to this day whether he should have told me the truth before we met -we had very long conversations - probably spoke for an hour by phone -before we met.  

I was mad at him when we met for putting me in this awful position of being in shock at what he looked like.  I said nothing about his decision to mislead me.  We had a nice conversation.  He told me about his accident I think it was as a child and about his multiple surgeries. 

After I thought long and hard and spoke to people about whether I was a person who would be comfortable dating him, whether I would be attracted.  I realized I was not that person.  I realized I could be friends with him had we met under other circumstances but, no, it wasn't going to be right for me for me to date someone who had that physical appearance. Because yes part of dating is attraction, a certain part of attraction often is "shallow". 

He asked me out again.  I told a white lie.  There was no point in being "honest" (just like I guess he saw no point in being honest beforehand -maybe he thought women would at least give him a chance? I just don't know).  Years later I googled him.  He had more surgeries it seemed and looked very different and I think he was married. I was very happy for him and happy I was honest with myself and didn't lead him on.  That was one of the toughest "online" dating situations I ever had.

That's an extreme example but I really dislike when people post misleading photos or lie about their age (that was always a dealbreaker for me -two of the men who lied to me went on to date two of my friends -one married the friend and the other liar turned out to be a liar in many other ways -they dated for years and it was his porn addiction that was the last straw- when I first spoke with him I found him arrogant but my refusal to meet him was based on the lie about his age). 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think before the dating apps people tended to just think: "Well I've found this person and I really like them, so I'll just choose them". I guess obviously opportunities to actually meet people weren't as high because there weren't any dating sites. Or even any internet at all when my parents were dating for example. People were probably just limited to meeting a potential partner through their work and friendship or hobby circles. Now you can literally find thousands of people on the apps so I think it creates the illusion that you can always find someone better or at least find someone new if you decide to reject someone quickly.

When I dated pre-internet dating sites -that was for the first 19-20 years I lived right near a huge city teeming with singles and moved into that city in my late 20s partly to continue husband hunting.  I never ever ever felt the way you described -maybe people in small towns did.  We went to parties, singles events, clubs, singles resorts, activities, religious based activities, set ups, etc.  We weren't limited in the least and with online dating I was extremely selective -so yes it was like a candy store for people who wanted casual dating or hook ups but different story for marriage.  The candy store mentality meant nothing for me other than initially. 

I think people who think the grass is greener and have the 'something out there better" will do that internet or no.  I think people who settle and lie to themselves (I was one of them who almost did-thank the lord I did not!!) will always do that whether there's an internet or not.  

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