Open Discussion - Online Dating & Apps

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Oh yes, in a pink wig

You're a perfectly nice looking guy. I don't see why you're having trouble dating.... are you showing up to dates in a dinosaur costume or something?

4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I do still think though that Tinder and its clones probably most closely match the way people meet each other in bars and the like in real life. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I don't know, I guess it depends how easy people find it to get matches on there and get past the whole online thing and to the in-person thing.

You know, you're probably correct in that the swiping is close to the way that you meet people in real life. For example, at a crowded bar, people are always scanning each other, sometimes pausing to make brief eye contact with someone who catches their eye. But that brief, shared moment interest doesn't always culminate in something. Maybe you'll see each other again, maybe not. The swipes are like the eye contact. I guess the bar is getting bigger and bigger.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

So, a question for people. What sort of things do you put in your profiles? What sorts of photos of you do you like? What sorts of information do you put in or leave out. Is it just personal preference or do you look up guides (there are many, so I know it's a thing) online on how to create a profile.

I didn't use guides because there were none. I'm glad about that actually. It probably would have over complicated things.

My very first profile was in eHarmony and I didn't let my photo get released until me and the guy had completed the Q&A series. The photo was this really close-up headshot--that sort of thing never would have flown in 2022 (or 2010 for that matter). But this was 2005 and there was no way in hell I was going to let an image of my body get on the internet lol. I think my age did all the work in that profile anyway lol.

When I rejoined circa 2009 - 2011ish, I was over my picture phobia. I posted maybe 3 or 4. Enough so that someone could get a general idea of what I looked like. For my profile, I just answered the questions on the webform (I was using OKCupid). I did a couple of the quizzes, too. That's actually how I ended up on the site: I took a quiz and had to register for something to get the results and lo and behold I was on a dating site!

I tried to keep my profile light, except for the caveat that I wasn't interested in dating married (or otherwise involved) men. I made that as ice cold as possible. 

[Carnatic]

19 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You're a perfectly nice looking guy. I don't see why you're having trouble dating.... are you showing up to dates in a dinosaur costume or something?

Thanks, the photo is probably one of me looking as good as I possibly can in a photo though... I use similar photos on dating sites (not in a wig), certain angles in certain lights I look OK and not especially obese. It feels like a bit of a misrepresentation though, I'm think I'm one of those guys who women turn up to the date and think 'oh... disappointing'. I don't really have much charisma though so I'm not blaming it entirely on my appearance.

And there's a further point for discussion in that. I've seen quite a lot of dating profiles (hetero women) using particularly unflattering photos. Could it be a deliberate tactic, especially if a woman is traditionally attractive in Western culture, to weed out shallower guys... or so that they know they will look better in person. Sometimes it's because it's a photo showing some aspect of their interests or personality and you can see why it was included, but I'm talking basic selfies that are unflattering, sometimes when they have more flattering ones elsewhere in their profile.

So another talking point right there is about using basic selfies versus photos showing you doing some activity or related to one of your interests. I don't really enjoy being photographed so the photos I do have of myself are just basic selfies, I notice that I'm having a good hair day or a day when I'm less fat than usual and I take a quick photo thinking I might be able to use that, but any photos that do exist, usually taken by someone else, that show me actually doing something, I can't bear to look at and certainly wouldn't really help me get matches even if they do show something more about myself than 'hey look, I'm a human being, I have two eyes see'.

[Batya33]

I wanted my photos to be accurate so there were no surprises.  I could not stand when men put inaccurate photos and that would happen in particular with weight.  What a waste of both our time.  I was in love with a man who was very very obese and I wasn't fixated on a particular physique but since I am fit/slim I was looking for the same in a partner.  Many men told me anecdotes about meeting women in person who'd lied about their weight/posted misleading photos.  It's just a bad look and counterproductive IMO.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I don't really have much charisma though so I'm not blaming it entirely on my appearance.

I agree with Batya that accurate photos are more important than flattering ones. There's a lot more to attractiveness than looks. In-person interaction is a big part of attractiveness--how you 'work' together, your comfort level in each other's presence. Stuff like that. What do you think is getting in the way of your charisma? 

[waffle]

How different would it all be if photos were not allowed and you actually had to read the profile and focus on compatibility first? 😮  I can't tell anything about anyone by looking at a picture, but I could get a lot of info by reading a detailed profile--not necessarily what it said because anyone could bs their way through a profile if they had to i.e. "I like candlelit dinners and gazing into my beloved's eyes"--but ultimately I always wanted to weed out based on important things like writing style and spelling and grammar; therefore the "do they look like their pictures?" nonsense is a complete and total waste of time.

[Carnatic]

I think when it comes to choosing photos most of us (I mean, nobody who has posted here so far but I still feel the majority of people) choose ones that make us feel better about ourselves... so it's a tricky one because you could put up the most brutally and grotesquely honest photos of yourself you can find... and you may even get matches because people appreciate the honesty but it's still difficult to feel good about yourself, not just physically but as a human being if you find the majority of photos of yourself so revolting.

What I'm saying is I don't think people who select the best-looking photos of themselves are necessarily consciously trying to mislead, people often don't feel comfortable in their own skin.

For what it's worth I do write in my profile that I'm obese, but I can't quite bring myself to take some new photos of myself that really show off how many chins I have or how much I look like a slug.

[Carnatic]

On 1/15/2022 at 12:57 AM, waffle said:

How different would it all be if photos were not allowed and you actually had to read the profile and focus on compatibility first? 😮  I can't tell anything about anyone by looking at a picture, but I could get a lot of info by reading a detailed profile.

Could be interesting, are there any dating sites that specifically do that? I'd be willing to try it out. I guess I'd be more likely to match based on a written profile than on a photo. I think you can tell things about people by looking at their pictures though, what pictures they have chosen can tell you things besides the obvious photos showing them doing something.

Where I live, we're quite close to a popular national park and a good proportion of people, especially people who have moved here from elsewhere are here for the outdoor activities, and the same goes for Tinder, I would say a slighly majority (or a large minority) of tinder profiles I see feature at least one photo of the woman in active-gear, standing at the top of a mountain, rock-climbing or kayaking or riding a horse or something like that. Some of them it's clear it's a passion of theirs because they've chosen three or four photos of action sports. It's not really my thing though, I enjoy the occasional walk in the country but I'm much more of a city-dweller type.

On 1/13/2022 at 11:23 PM, Jibralta said:

What do you think is getting in the way of your charisma? 

I don't think something is getting in the way of it, I'm just naturally not very charismatic.

[Tinydance]

I'm turning 37 in two weeks and I've been using online dating since I was probably about 18 years old. I've been doing it on and off all that time and I've never actually been in any serious relationship with anyone from online. Most of the dates from online didn't lead to anything and a couple maybe lead to hook up and a couple to some short term dating.

I've probably talked to to thousands of people on online dating and met hundreds but just nothing ever really came of it. For this reason I've actually been very sceptical that you can really find someone online. I logically know that it's possible though because my best friend met her husband of 13 years online. Also my other best friend has had a few relationships from online. The longest relationship she found from online dating lasted 15 months but the others were only a few months. I personally also don't know that many people that found someone from online dating, but I know a few.

My experience with online dating hasn't been bad as such but it's just been unsuccessful so far. Being a reasonably attractive woman with a bubbly personality, I never really had trouble with getting messages on online dating. But basically every time I met with someone in real life, there just wasn't romantic interest for either them or me, or both.

I actually always really want to give people a chance and really wanted to find someone, so I don't think I was being picky or anything. I didn't even care about people's looks or body size or anything that much. I was just looking for a really good connection and click, that "spark" that I guess everyone wants to find in a relationship. I actually don't think I ever found that with anyone I'd met on dating sites or apps. I've had a few serious relationships which were all about two years long, but they were all with people I met in real life.

One problem with online dating I think is that it creates this idea that you can always "do better". I'm not sure if it's whether there is a lot of hookup culture now so people don't necessarily want to settle down, but it just seems to me like it was a lot easier to find someone like 20-30 years ago. For example, my parents met at a party when my Mum was 19 and Dad was 21. After dating only for four months, they got engaged. After one year together they got married.

I know that these days people get married a lot older but it also seems like people are actually very hesitant to get into a serious relationship. I think that swiping on the dating apps creates this feeling that there are more and more people out there you can find. More people you can date and sleep with. So people are either hesitant to commit either because they want to still be able to sleep with different people, or because they're scared they're going to choose the "wrong" person because there's someone "better" still out there.

I think before the dating apps people tended to just think: "Well I've found this person and I really like them, so I'll just choose them". I guess obviously opportunities to actually meet people weren't as high because there weren't any dating sites. Or even any internet at all when my parents were dating for example. People were probably just limited to meeting a potential partner through their work and friendship or hobby circles. Now you can literally find thousands of people on the apps so I think it creates the illusion that you can always find someone better or at least find someone new if you decide to reject someone quickly.

[Batya33]

I went on blind dates for many years as did many of my friends and set up many many people on blind dates.  No photos ever.  Late 90s or so was the first time I had a request for a photo from someone I was trying to set up on a blind date. You'd get a description and that's it.  It worked well.

My photos were flattering and not misleading -I mean if you post a photo from a formal event obviously it's known you did your best to look nice for the event.  I refused to meet men in person who asked me for more photos.  Ick. I've told the story here about how when online dating was new a lovely guy posted a photo showing one side of his face with the other side not too visible.  We clicked on the phone.  When we met I discovered why.  He'd had multiple surgeries on his face and neck.  That side of his face and neck were severely scarred and severely deformed.  I have no real idea to this day whether he should have told me the truth before we met -we had very long conversations - probably spoke for an hour by phone -before we met.  

I was mad at him when we met for putting me in this awful position of being in shock at what he looked like.  I said nothing about his decision to mislead me.  We had a nice conversation.  He told me about his accident I think it was as a child and about his multiple surgeries. 

After I thought long and hard and spoke to people about whether I was a person who would be comfortable dating him, whether I would be attracted.  I realized I was not that person.  I realized I could be friends with him had we met under other circumstances but, no, it wasn't going to be right for me for me to date someone who had that physical appearance. Because yes part of dating is attraction, a certain part of attraction often is "shallow". 

He asked me out again.  I told a white lie.  There was no point in being "honest" (just like I guess he saw no point in being honest beforehand -maybe he thought women would at least give him a chance? I just don't know).  Years later I googled him.  He had more surgeries it seemed and looked very different and I think he was married. I was very happy for him and happy I was honest with myself and didn't lead him on.  That was one of the toughest "online" dating situations I ever had.

That's an extreme example but I really dislike when people post misleading photos or lie about their age (that was always a dealbreaker for me -two of the men who lied to me went on to date two of my friends -one married the friend and the other liar turned out to be a liar in many other ways -they dated for years and it was his porn addiction that was the last straw- when I first spoke with him I found him arrogant but my refusal to meet him was based on the lie about his age). 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think before the dating apps people tended to just think: "Well I've found this person and I really like them, so I'll just choose them". I guess obviously opportunities to actually meet people weren't as high because there weren't any dating sites. Or even any internet at all when my parents were dating for example. People were probably just limited to meeting a potential partner through their work and friendship or hobby circles. Now you can literally find thousands of people on the apps so I think it creates the illusion that you can always find someone better or at least find someone new if you decide to reject someone quickly.

When I dated pre-internet dating sites -that was for the first 19-20 years I lived right near a huge city teeming with singles and moved into that city in my late 20s partly to continue husband hunting.  I never ever ever felt the way you described -maybe people in small towns did.  We went to parties, singles events, clubs, singles resorts, activities, religious based activities, set ups, etc.  We weren't limited in the least and with online dating I was extremely selective -so yes it was like a candy store for people who wanted casual dating or hook ups but different story for marriage.  The candy store mentality meant nothing for me other than initially. 

I think people who think the grass is greener and have the 'something out there better" will do that internet or no.  I think people who settle and lie to themselves (I was one of them who almost did-thank the lord I did not!!) will always do that whether there's an internet or not.  

[Carnatic]

I think I can explain what I get out of Tinder, and similar sites... hopefully that doesn't make me sound like too much of a manipulating jerk.

So yeah, I go on for matches not dates, but not because I don't want to go on dates, but because matches are rare, the idea of me going on a date is pretty unrealistic, it has happened on a couple of occasions in the last few years but not often enough to make dating my goal, and even dating is a few steps before what I would really want, which is a relationship.

But I feel ugly, pretty much 24/7. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and struggle to come to terms with my appearance. Shallow it may be, to wish you were a little more attractive, but I'd be happy to just be able to blend in and not be so conspicious. I have a speech impediment as well, and I'm socially awkward and just all round... yeah. At least those last two things won't come across on tinder.

I think my friends don't think I know either, like they wonder why I'm depressed I think they assume I don't realise what I am, and they want to boost my ego and make positive comments about me (besides the fact that I'm 'nice') it can be hard to take sometimes appreciating their complements and not wanting to let on that I know what they're doing, because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

So every now and again... and it is rare, but then I'm also not on tinder all the time, I will get a match. I know that nothing could ever come of it, that she probably won't even respond if I do message her, but it's nice to know at least that in someone's eyes I maybe wasn't so conspicuously unfortunate. I feel a little rush of maybe I'm normal. It isn't just vanity, I don't want to be good looking exactly, and it's not ego, I don't particularly like attention, it's just the idea that maybe I look like a human being. Perhaps the idea that maybe I even won't die alone, but that does feel very unrealistic, and I don't feel sincere when I have that hope.

Maybe I'm being dishonest and using people on tinder to massage my ego, knowing that they might have been expecting a date. My dating profile isn't exactly honest though, I make no mention of my speech impediment, I do say I'm overweight but include no full-body shots and don't add that I'm actually morbidly obese, and I certainly don't mention how socially awkward I am. It's hollow really because the person they swiped right on isn't me, but it's the best I'm ever going to get in life and at this point I'm just gonna be selfish and take it, I don't think I'm hurting people, just not being honest and I'm like, surely nobody would deny me that I can get swiped right on every few months and then have a few hours of not feeling so conspicuous.

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I think I can explain what I get out of Tinder, and similar sites... hopefully that doesn't make me sound like too much of a manipulating jerk.

So yeah, I go on for matches not dates, but not because I don't want to go on dates, but because matches are rare, the idea of me going on a date is pretty unrealistic, it has happened on a couple of occasions in the last few years but not often enough to make dating my goal, and even dating is a few steps before what I would really want, which is a relationship.

But I feel ugly, pretty much 24/7. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and struggle to come to terms with my appearance. Shallow it may be, to wish you were a little more attractive, but I'd be happy to just be able to blend in and not be so conspicious. I have a speech impediment as well, and I'm socially awkward and just all round... yeah. At least those last two things won't come across on tinder.

I think my friends don't think I know either, like they wonder why I'm depressed I think they assume I don't realise what I am, and they want to boost my ego and make positive comments about me (besides the fact that I'm 'nice') it can be hard to take sometimes appreciating their complements and not wanting to let on that I know what they're doing, because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

So every now and again... and it is rare, but then I'm also not on tinder all the time, I will get a match. I know that nothing could ever come of it, that she probably won't even respond if I do message her, but it's nice to know at least that in someone's eyes I maybe wasn't so conspicuously unfortunate. I feel a little rush of maybe I'm normal. It isn't just vanity, I don't want to be good looking exactly, and it's not ego, I don't particularly like attention, it's just the idea that maybe I look like a human being. Perhaps the idea that maybe I even won't die alone, but that does feel very unrealistic, and I don't feel sincere when I have that hope.

Maybe I'm being dishonest and using people on tinder to massage my ego, knowing that they might have been expecting a date. My dating profile isn't exactly honest though, I make no mention of my speech impediment, I do say I'm overweight but include no full-body shots and don't add that I'm actually morbidly obese, and I certainly don't mention how socially awkward I am. It's hollow really because the person they swiped right on isn't me, but it's the best I'm ever going to get in life and at this point I'm just gonna be selfish and take it, I don't think I'm hurting people, just not being honest and I'm like, surely nobody would deny me that I can get swiped right on every few months and then have a few hours of not feeling so conspicuous.

Do you ever communicate with any of the women who "swipe right" on your pic?

[Batya33]

I don’t think that has much to do with using online dating to find a partner. 

[Carnatic]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you ever communicate with any of the women who "swipe right" on your pic?

Yeah I nearly always say something

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I think I can explain what I get out of Tinder, and similar sites... hopefully that doesn't make me sound like too much of a manipulating jerk.

So yeah, I go on for matches not dates, but not because I don't want to go on dates, but because matches are rare, the idea of me going on a date is pretty unrealistic, it has happened on a couple of occasions in the last few years but not often enough to make dating my goal, and even dating is a few steps before what I would really want, which is a relationship.

But I feel ugly, pretty much 24/7. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and struggle to come to terms with my appearance. Shallow it may be, to wish you were a little more attractive, but I'd be happy to just be able to blend in and not be so conspicious. I have a speech impediment as well, and I'm socially awkward and just all round... yeah. At least those last two things won't come across on tinder.

I think my friends don't think I know either, like they wonder why I'm depressed I think they assume I don't realise what I am, and they want to boost my ego and make positive comments about me (besides the fact that I'm 'nice') it can be hard to take sometimes appreciating their complements and not wanting to let on that I know what they're doing, because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

So every now and again... and it is rare, but then I'm also not on tinder all the time, I will get a match. I know that nothing could ever come of it, that she probably won't even respond if I do message her, but it's nice to know at least that in someone's eyes I maybe wasn't so conspicuously unfortunate. I feel a little rush of maybe I'm normal. It isn't just vanity, I don't want to be good looking exactly, and it's not ego, I don't particularly like attention, it's just the idea that maybe I look like a human being. Perhaps the idea that maybe I even won't die alone, but that does feel very unrealistic, and I don't feel sincere when I have that hope.

Maybe I'm being dishonest and using people on tinder to massage my ego, knowing that they might have been expecting a date. My dating profile isn't exactly honest though, I make no mention of my speech impediment, I do say I'm overweight but include no full-body shots and don't add that I'm actually morbidly obese, and I certainly don't mention how socially awkward I am. It's hollow really because the person they swiped right on isn't me, but it's the best I'm ever going to get in life and at this point I'm just gonna be selfish and take it, I don't think I'm hurting people, just not being honest and I'm like, surely nobody would deny me that I can get swiped right on every few months and then have a few hours of not feeling so conspicuous.

Dishonest maybe but unusual? No. There are a lot of people who are there with no intention to meet anyone. And it's Tinder. I wouldn't worry about it. 

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Dishonest maybe but unusual? No. There are a lot of people who are there with no intention to meet anyone. And it's Tinder. I wouldn't worry about it. 

I agree- but it means that his comments on whether Tinder is a good way to meet people for actual dates/relationship aren't really relevant as far as his motives in having a profile.  My friend's husband -I think they met on Tinder.  He seems great.  She most certainly is.

[Jibralta]

I don't think you are a manipulating jerk. I am not currently trying to date, but I hope that even if I was, I would have enough humanity to allow for other people's hopes and aspirations, whatever they may be.

I am struck by the number of times that you use the word "conspicuous." It makes me wonder why you feel that way.

[Carnatic]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree- but it means that his comments on whether Tinder is a good way to meet people for actual dates/relationship aren't really relevant as far as his motives in having a profile.  My friend's husband -I think they met on Tinder.  He seems great.  She most certainly is.

Oh I mean, I would love for Tinder to be a way to meet people for actual dates/relationship, and that was always my motive for going on there... I've just adjusted my expectations over time to something a bit more achievable but expectations and motives aren't the same. My comments aren't so relevant to people in that I'm speaking of something I have little experience of, but I think my motives are the same as most people and if I could improve my chances of getting more than just the occasional match then I would.

[Carnatic]

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I am struck by the number of times that you use the word "conspicuous." It makes me wonder why you feel that way.

Would be kind of off-topic for this thread to go further into it but, like... I always hated standing out. I know I'm not like utterly hideous but I'm a bit of a weird looking, weird acting, weird speaking person and I often get the feeling from my friends that they pity me and want to boost my ego, but I also have a real love/hate relationship with self-worth, I want it but it makes me cringe.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Oh I mean, I would love for Tinder to be a way to meet people for actual dates/relationship, and that was always my motive for going on there... I've just adjusted my expectations over time to something a bit more achievable but expectations and motives aren't the same. My comments aren't so relevant to people in that I'm speaking of something I have little experience of, but I think my motives are the same as most people and if I could improve my chances of getting more than just the occasional match then I would.

No I think it's an entirely different mindset -with exceptions of course -for people who use online dating sites as a way to meet people in real life for dates and potentially relationships -that mindset informs the process in a way that parts company with your approach from the word go.  

I think you can improve your chances of meeting people in person through Tinder partly with an attitude shift.  But you started this as input on online dating sites but you're not using it to find dates in real life much less lead to a serious relationship -that's not your primary focus.  That's what I meant by relevant.  

I don't know of anyone who is using a dating site to date in real life who would lower their expectations to being noticed online and getting someone to chat with on line -I would think with rare exception those people have friends in real life to chat with and/or find chat buddies not on dating sites -because it's a waste of everyone's time (mine was wasted many times by men just looking for chat buddies).

[Carnatic]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But you started this as input on online dating sites but you're not using it to find dates in real life much less lead to a serious relationship -that's not your primary focus.  That's what I meant by relevant.

I don't know of anyone who is using a dating site to date in real life who would lower their expectations to being noticed online and getting someone to chat with on line -I would think with rare exception those people have friends in real life to chat with and/or find chat buddies not on dating sites -because it's a waste of everyone's time (mine was wasted many times by men just looking for chat buddies).

I honestly didn't think when I started this thread that my use of Tinder was especially unusual, so my posts kinda stand out in this thread in a way I didn't expect.

That said, I think you're making assumptions about me. You seem to think that I'm purposefully setting out on Tinder to get maybe one or two matches and at most have a chat, that I don't even intend to go on dates. I don't open the conversation right away with 'can we go on a date' that would be too soon, but if I get past the opening exchanges, then I do ask. The vast majority of the time, either I get no response to my initial contact or there is a brief exchange and then nothing, but over the past few years I have been on around four dates off there. It's only natural that my expectations would be low, and I take your point if you're just saying that low expectations can harm my chances but it's certainly not a deliberate decision that that's what I'm going on there for.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I honestly didn't think when I started this thread that my use of Tinder was especially unusual, so my posts kinda stand out in this thread in a way I didn't expect.

That said, I think you're making assumptions about me. You seem to think that I'm purposefully setting out on Tinder to get maybe one or two matches and at most have a chat, that I don't even intend to go on dates. I don't open the conversation right away with 'can we go on a date' that would be too soon, but if I get past the opening exchanges, then I do ask. The vast majority of the time, either I get no response to my initial contact or there is a brief exchange and then nothing, but over the past few years I have been on around four dates off there. It's only natural that my expectations would be low, and I take your point if you're just saying that low expectations can harm my chances but it's certainly not a deliberate decision that that's what I'm going on there for.

No I assumed no such thing as I wrote in all my previous posts.  It's never too soon IMO on a dating site to suggest speaking by phone to see if it makes sense to meet in person for a first meet.  No one should be asking anyone out through a dating site -you're strangers.  Suggest to meet after the phone call - asking to meet by typing to a stranger to me is not a good approach especially if a man is asking a woman. 

Using a dating site with the intention of getting noticed to me is a misuse of a dating site so if your primary reason for using a dating site is not to meet someone in person to see if you should go on a first date in the future then I can see where you might have issues since you lowered your expectations to "being noticed".  

[Carnatic]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Using a dating site with the intention of getting noticed to me is a misuse of a dating site so if your primary reason for using a dating site is not to meet someone in person to see if you should go on a first date in the future then I can see where you might have issues since you lowered your expectations to "being noticed".  

This is what I meant when I talked about expectations though. My intention and the primary reason I'm on any dating site is always to meet women and ultimately get into a relationship,and every time I get a match my hopes are always that this could lead to a date.

Good idea about asking for a phone number though as a good halfway point between just chatting on tinder, and asking to meet.

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

This is what I meant when I talked about expectations though. My intention and the primary reason I'm on any dating site is always to meet women and ultimately get into a relationship,and every time I get a match my hopes are always that this could lead to a date.

Good idea about asking for a phone number though as a good halfway point between just chatting on tinder, and asking to meet.

So what I did was after one or two emails/messages I suggested talking on the phone -to see if it would make sense to meet in person -not just talking for no reason -that specific reason.  I wanted it to scare off the men who were not serious about meeting. 

I would say that if any of your motivation for being on an online dating site is for women to notice you then you're bound to get cynical -meaning if you feel really flattered because someone compliments your looks or flirts then you probably don't have a thick enough skin because you're too invested in what strangers think about your profile. I think people who see dating sites as a way among other ways to meet people in person to date - the end- no other strong motivation -are the ones who can put in the time and the effort without getting jaded.