Busy, I have nothing to say

[Corncob]

 Hello! I'm new here and I made this account just for this! I want someone's insight on this situation I'm in right now if it isn't too much of a bother. 🙂 

⚠️Wall of text coming through ⚠️
Around the end of October, my LDR boyfriend told me that he might be busy during November since he got a job, his friends want to hangout and I know he'd be studying for his upcoming university entrance exams this December. He told me this means that he'd have less time for me and I said I understand that, but he should at least keep me updated if he's still doing well. Well, yeah, before November even came, he started talking to me less, way less than how we usually would talk. It was fine with me though, I figured it was nice that he still manages to respond despite his hectic schedule. The issue started when he'd stop responding altogether. I'd see him online and his Discord status would state that he's playing a game for hours. I thought that maybe he's just taking a break to shake away the stress for a bit and didn't want to socialize with anyone. He's an antisocial guy. I waited for days, still no response. I decided to ask him if he's doing alright and assured him that I am not pressuring him to respond if he's still busy and that he can respond whenever he can. Almost immediately, he responded and said he didn't respond to my message because he has nothing to say.

We voice called. Throughout the duration of that voice call, he barely said anything. Sometimes no response at all as if he didn't hear me say a thing even if I were to ask him a question, but he'd randomly laugh and tell me he's laughing over a funny video. I decided to shift the topic to whatever it is he's watching, but he'd tell me it's nothing interesting and we should talk about something else, so I'd find a new topic to mention and again, little to no response. I thought it was nice that he's having fun though, I wasn't upset about it and still am not. What I am upset about is the weeks following this event. 

After that call, we had another one, but in this call, it was silent. I'd talk and he won't respond at all, not even laugh over a video, nothing. It felt like I was talking to a brick wall so I got upset and asked him if he can hear me, he said he wasn't saying anything because he has nothing to say. He did kind of make up for it by being sweet before the voice call ended, he said "I love you" then we both went to sleep. And that was the last he ever said that. 

After that last voice call, he almost never responds to my messages anymore. I also noticed that every time I'd go online, he goes offline. Thought it was a coincidence until it kept happening every time for almost a week (I still think might be a coincidence, but my gut says otherwise so I'm confused on what to believe). I confronted him about it, asked him if we're doing okay and if something is wrong between the two of us, he said everything is fine and I left it at that.

And then for almost a week, he didn't respond to my messages at all or went online. I got really worried so I discreetly checked up on him by telling him about my day in hopes he'd tell me about his. He hates it when people show him they care, he's not used to it, so I thought that checking up on him discreetly would be the better option. He responded almost immediately and we had a short conversation. After that, he stopped responding again and I just decided to give him time, he did say that he'd be busy that month. 

We didn't talk for days until I striked up a conversation with him and we talked normally like how we used to before he got busy. We didn't talk for days again after that since he won't reply or go online, apparently he was asleep. I messaged him during out monthsary and he just replied to tell me he's going to sleep. I told him I feel like he's avoiding me and stated pretty much everything I'm saying in this forum right now. He told me that he's not avoiding me and that he's just busy and got nothing to say. I was also upset about him ignoring my monthsary message and about how he won't talk to me so I told him I'm sad about it, he kind of got irritated that I was keeping him up from sleeping when confronted about it, so I apologised since I figured he might be tired from a busy day. 

I tried to talk to him again during his birthday because I made a present for him and wanted to greet him, but he never responded. He never returns the I love you I tell him or the goodnight messages or the good morning messages anymore. He told me he wants me to tell him good morning after I wake up and goodnight before I sleep, so I stayed consistent even when he doesn't respond. I want to ask him if he's still happy being in a relationship with me, but I want to ask through a voice call at least so I kept asking him when he'd be free, his responses are very vague. Just a couple days ago, I saw him online and messaged him if we can talk since it's important. He said he's going to sleep and immediately went offline. I messaged him goodnight with an "I love you" to see if he'd return it. None, he went online and read my message, but then immediately went back off. 

I suppose that it wouldn't really be fruitful if I were to ask what I should do with out relationship. Whether I should break up with him or not. I just want someone else's insight regarding this pickle I am in, that's all. I suppose I want a different perspective regarding this, I could be wrong and he could really just be busy while I'm over here overthinking after all. Thank you for your time! 🙂 I unfortunately can't really give a tl;dr since I don't know I can possibly summarize this mess lol, sorry.  

[boltnrun]

I have some questions.

How long have the two of you been in a relationship? How long were you two together before going long distance? How much time do the two of you spend together in person, say, each month? Every weekend, every other weekend? Is he coming home for the holidays and if so, what plans do you two have to spend time together while he's home?

Just trying to get a more clear picture before responding properly.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Corncob said:

my LDR boyfriend told me that he might be busy during November since he got a job, his friends want to hangout and I know he'd be studying for his upcoming university entrance exams this December. He told me this means that he'd have less time for me. he responded and said he didn't respond to my message because he has nothing to say. I also noticed that every time I'd go online, he goes offline.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Have you met in person?

Why is it a distance situation? How old is he?

Unfortunately he's tiptoeing out of the relationship, but doesn't have the courage to simply say so. Don't contact him and see if he steps up.

[HeartGoesOn]

Your answer lies in his actions, rather than his words.  Obviously he's doing the slow fade while attempting to let you down gently.

I'm sure this is painful, but II wouldn't stoop to the level of chasing him. He'll grow up some day...

[MissCanuck]

There is no point in continuing this relationship, OP. 

It's already done. Just end it and leave him behind you. You can't have a relationship with yourself, which is essentially what you're doing. He's not interested in being your boyfriend anymore and it shows in just about every possible way. 

Time to move on. 

[Lambert]

This guy us jerk. he's pulling the old "I'll make you dump me" game.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I'd just never reach out to him again and ignore him if reached out to me. 

He knows what he is doing.  He's not dumb... but you are playing along.  so he'll just keep doing this. This is not love in any possible way. 

Save yourself

[DancingFool]

Your bar for what you expect from a relationship and what you are willing to put up with is so low, it's completely in the gutter.

Busy is just an excuse people use when in reality they don't care to talk to you or make you a priority in their life in any way, shape, or form.

He is not busy, OP, he just doesn't want to talk to you anymore and doesn't have the guts to tell you that you and him are done. An absolute coward who is stringing you along until you finally get it and dump him. 

Please stop trying to talk to him. Please stop making excuses how he is just this or that. Raise your standards, read the writing on the wall, and get rid of him. You don't even have to do anything here at all. Stop talking to him and I bet he will never reach out to you again. He is already doing everything he can to fade out.

[Batya33]

No need to break up, I'm sorry.  He stopped wanting to be with you in a relationship when he made the "too busy" excuses for November.  People who want to be with you will make the time to be with you.  The end.  And if there's no possible way -for example a death in the family where the person has to travel out of state and must take care of family responsibilities -that person will want you to know he loves you, he wants to be with you, he cannot wait till the moment he can be with you when he returns after handling the crisis. 

Or, a person who truly realizes he cannot be in any relationship (this is very, very rare when the two people already are seriously involved) will tell you that he realizes he cannot be with anyone right now, again because of a true life changing situation or crisis.  And then he will cut off contact in fairness to you -not do the slow fade.

[1a1a]

Let’s imagine even for a second that he was still invested in the relationship (I don’t think he is), do you want from a life partner, someone who wants to be this uninvolved in your life? 
 

You can ask him to engage with you more and he might even try but if that desire isn’t already in him this thing is a dead relationship walking. 
 

Let it go and no longer dash yourself against the rocks of his disinterest. 
 

Edit to add: this is such a shifty way to end a relationship. Like peeling the Band-Aid off really slowly all the while stabbing you in the eyes. I’m sorry he’s acting with such poor character 😞 and glad that this relationship with someone who tackles the awkward things in life in such a bad and hurtful way is ending. 

[Andrina]

I'm going to be frank and tell you that it takes you entirely too long to get the message. How would you have gotten an answer to your dilemma sooner? When you sent him a message, you should have waited for his reply instead of double/triple/quadruple messaging him. Because when he went a week or longer without replying, there's your answer. You're done.

People in healthy relationships retain a healthy balance between studies, work, friends, alone-time, and a romance.Yes, if there is cramming for exams, a person will have less time for you, but that period is brief and ends. But when he has time for friends, and no time for you, isn't that showing you that you're no priority at all?

When a relationship is regressing versus progressing, that's a clear sign to either communicate or to say, "This relationship is no longer satisfactory to me. Have a good life." Communication hasn't worked to improve things, so he plain doesn't care. A person who cares wants to please their partner.

Your self-worth clearly needs boosting. Go solo and read up on how to gain a heathy self esteem. If you don't apply those skills, you are bound to keep wasting time on men who don't deserve you. Take care.

[boltnrun]

I'm still curious to know the answers to my questions.

I would respond differently if this was a situation where you two had an established relationship and then one or both of you went away to different colleges or went on a sabbatical than I would if this is one of those "online only/we 'met' while playing a video game or on a message board" where you have never actually seen one another in person. The second scenario isn't a relationship, it's an electronic pen pal.

I hope the OP comes back to clarify.

[Corncob]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I have some questions.

How long have the two of you been in a relationship? How long were you two together before going long distance? How much time do the two of you spend together in person, say, each month? Every weekend, every other weekend? Is he coming home for the holidays and if so, what plans do you two have to spend time together while he's home?

Just trying to get a more clear picture before responding properly.

We've been together for almost a year before the LDR and have met in person before multiple times as well, not monthly though. We only meet up whenever we can. He had to move to a different country because of college. Prior to this happening, everything was alright, he was extremely talkative and caring. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Corncob said:

Prior to this happening, everything was alright, he was extremely talkative and caring. 

Unforuantely, that has all changed now. 

It's time to end it. He appears to be waiting for you to do so, so that he doesn't have to. Nobody who truly wants to be with you is going to behave the way he does. 

You need to take the very obvious hint he is sending and call it off. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Corncob said:

 He had to move to a different country because of college. 

Free yourself from this. He wants his freedom at college. He's simply too immature to be straight forward about it.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Corncob said:

We've been together for almost a year before the LDR and have met in person before multiple times as well, not monthly though. We only meet up whenever we can. He had to move to a different country because of college. Prior to this happening, everything was alright, he was extremely talkative and caring. 

I don't think then that this relationship had any firm foundation -it is a platonic friendship and you have romantic feelings for him and when it was convenient he saw you in person.  You got way more attached than he did and saw it as a potentially serious romantic relationship.  If he did at one time he does not now.  LDR are hard even when both people are 100% into it and excited to see each other as much as possible.  This is not a workable arrangement.  I'm sorry.

[boltnrun]

I agree, he's easing himself out. He's probably wondering why you won't get the hint, but you shouldn't have to. He should be mature enough to tell you he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. But it's clear he doesn't.

Is he coming home for the holidays? If so, maybe he plans to tell you in person.