How much criticism is normal between friends?

[Tonight.majestic]

So long story short, my male "friend" again told me he was upset the way I disrespected him by not calling him back. Ultimately, he said I had hurt his feelings, and showed him disrespect and negligence by not calling him back.

This friend is a big time people reader, meaning he spends a lot of time deciphering people (he's a salesman) and he tells me he spends a lot of time deciphering my words and actions and that he knows what I'm all about.

Here's where I'm confused. He'll do very nice things for me, be very attentive, he's helped me out, he praises my good qualities. But on occasion, he'll tell me my negative qualities and how he's not "dumb" to them.

He told me that I came into his life so that I could use his resources and then leave once I'm done. He also said he knows that I'm selfish. Here's the thing- even though I do "use" him for one particular thing, I reimburse him and tell him I can do more if that's what he'd like. I never ask for more and I always thank him.

When he said I've been using him for his resources, I tried to lighten it a bit by saying, "Oh come on, I've come into your life to help you too, right?" To which he replied, "What have you really helped me with? Hanging out and talking?"

He says he's been burned in the past by his ex who basically drained him off money (tuition, rent, utilities, bills, vacations, etc.). He also said I have many similarities to his ex (even if I do, I'm not in a relationship with him nor do I ask him to pay my tuition, rent, etc.)

But I've made it clear I'm NOT interested in him and I do pay for the service he's offering me.

I'm at a loss of words.

 

 

[boltnrun]

I think you need to find someone else to provide this "service".

[Andrina]

Now you know all the facets of the price you have to pay to be intertwined in his life. Doesn't sound like he's capable of change so you either continue on because the benefit outweighs the strife, or extricate yourself and learn to live without his resources/benefits.

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I think you need to find someone else to provide this "service".

Unfortunately, for the time being, I can't. I've tried and a lot of that is tied up to Covid. I'm hoping things will change though.

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I think you need to find someone else to provide this "service".

Ugh, I'll come out and say it. It's actually using a room in an office building after work hours where I do some of my work because it's quiet.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Unfortunately, for the time being, I can't. I've tried and a lot of that is tied up to Covid. I'm hoping things will change though.

Deleted because I posted before I saw the newest response.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Ugh, I'll come out and say it. It's actually using a room in an office building after work hours where I do some of my work because it's quiet.

And you can't work anywhere else? 

Does the company that has this office space know he's renting it out to you after hours?

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

And you can't work anywhere else? 

Does the company that has this office space know he's renting it out to you after hours?

I've tried but I have no space at home, period. I need total silence and the library hours are really 9-5 so....yeah.

Yes, they know. Hell, I've even offered to clean the entire building free of charge as long as I can keep my space for the time being.

[boltnrun]

So why do you have to pay him? Does he own the building? Is it his business?

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So why do you have to pay him? Does he own the building? Is it his business?

It's his space.

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So why do you have to pay him? Does he own the building? Is it his business?

But I do feel like there's a big difference between paying someone's tuition, rent, utilities, and food vs office space.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

But I do feel like there's a big difference between paying someone's tuition, rent, utilities, and food vs office space.

He obviously doesn't agree.

If you don't want to find somewhere else to work, I guess you just have to put up with his insults and rude behavior. 

I would look for somewhere else to work.

 

 

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

He obviously doesn't agree.

If you don't want to find somewhere else to work, I guess you just have to put up with his insults and rude behavior. 

I would look for somewhere else to work.

 

 

Yeah I'm starting to realize that now......

[melancholy123]

You need to try harder to find somewhere else to work.  This guy sounds like a nutcase.

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

You need to try harder to find somewhere else to work.  This guy sounds like a nutcase.

Yeah, I'm starting to realize that....I'm kind of in a bind for the time being.

I feel like I'm being valued and devalued but in a more covert way, if that makes any sense.

[Cherylyn]

His services regarding however way he helps you is NOT free.  He's a package deal with strings attached meaning, he forces you to tolerate his criticizing you because you feel beholden to him.  Despite your reimbursement, he will always make you feel indebted to him. 

He's also a drama queen or drama king.  He perceives you to be very complex but the truth is, he is the complicated one. 

You need to maintain a safe distance from this sick creature.  He's nothing but bad news. 

Don't pay for his services anymore otherwise you're getting more than what you bargained for which is repeated misery. 

One of these days, figure out when and how you'll dissolve and exit this toxic, dysfunctional so-called friendship.  Text him this:  "We're incompatible.  Thank you for your past help.  I wish you all the best.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Sincerely, Your Name."  Make it final and be done with it. 

[MissCanuck]

This person is not your friend. 

You need to get away from him, because you can't really even see how manipulated you are by him. He's not a "people-reader" - he's a doosh. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

I've tried but I have no space at home, period. I need total silence and the library hours are really 9-5 so....yeah

What is wrong with a library or your home?

There are a multitude of quiet work spaces available. 

There's something missing from this story because you complain bitterly about his hostilities and oppressive presence in your life but won't research other options.

Why, exactly, do you need this "total silence"?

 

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is wrong with a library or your home?

There are a multitude of quiet work spaces available. 

There's something missing from this story because you complain bitterly about his hostilities and oppressive presence in your life but won't research other options.

Why, exactly, do you need this "total silence"?

 

If I'm working most days from 9-5, when can I go to the library if it's closed? And I have no room of my own. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Unfortunately, for the time being, I can't. I've tried and a lot of that is tied up to Covid. I'm hoping things will change though.

Yes, you can.  Everything comes with a price and sacrifice -so you can because it would mean inconvenience/losing money - just like people who cancel weddings shortly before they occur and lose lots of money and then some (raising hand -pick me, I did so!), people who get divorced even when it means losing friendships, a lifestyle and $- your title is misleading.  He is not your friend.  And there really is no normal. 

It depends on the friendship and its depth.  But this is a situation where a person who has a lot of hostility and contempt towards you and a lot of arrogance in his dealings with you deigns to tell you unsolicited input and criticism. 

The problem is you.  You tolerate it - so he keeps going.  You mislabel this as a friendship but it is not one.  Maybe it was at one time. Now it is not.  If you value yourself you will stop interacting with this person and stop telling yourself he is a friend and questioning so that you can tell yourself it is "confusing" to justify being a passive participant.  You can make a different choice.  Are you going to?

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, Tonight.majestic said:

If I'm working most days from 9-5, when can I go to the library if it's closed? And I have no room of my own. 

Oh come on....OP..... You can absolutely rent your own little office. Covid has actually made that easier and cheaper as a lot of people have vacated offices. There are things like executive suites - big and tiny, but totally cost effective if all you need is small room and a desk and internet. There are co-working spaces where again you can have your own space cheaply. Co-working spaces can be both - open work areas and also offer personal enclosed offices for people who need exactly what you need - quiet. Also, after hours they are all pretty much empty and quiet. You can go to a small office building and offer what you already have - cleaning services in exchange for an office room and low/no rent. 

Please don't make excuses for keeping this toxic psycho in your life and being beholden to him like that.

My overall impression is that you hang on to him because he strokes your ego and makes you feel good. Too bad that he also turns around and abuses you. Please do better and get out of this mess. He is not a friend and you need to stop calling him that.

[Batya33]

Why do you need total silence - I mean - even in an office there can be traffic noises outside, a fan whirring, someone else sneezing or coughing.  We've been teleworking almost totally since March 2020 and there was virtual learning too. My husband has more calls/meetings than I do so he goes into another room and closes the door.  We both do very detail oriented and brain intensive work.  I need quiet a lot of the time. So I go in another room or put in headphones, etc.  If you have focusing issues I think for now -sorry -you're going to have to suck it up - find life hacks for it -for now.  Libraries aren't totally silent either.  Please do stop making excuses.

[boltnrun]

You can end this toxic relationship. Question is, do you really want to?

[Tonight.majestic]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you need total silence - I mean - even in an office there can be traffic noises outside, a fan whirring, someone else sneezing or coughing.  We've been teleworking almost totally since March 2020 and there was virtual learning too. My husband has more calls/meetings than I do so he goes into another room and closes the door.  We both do very detail oriented and brain intensive work.  I need quiet a lot of the time. So I go in another room or put in headphones, etc.  If you have focusing issues I think for now -sorry -you're going to have to suck it up - find life hacks for it -for now.  Libraries aren't totally silent either.  Please do stop making excuses.

I meant, I need a quiet space without music. Libraries are fine but their hours are limited. I used to do my work at cafes but the music is blasting and ear plugs don't work. Not when I have to study for tests. 

[East4]

 

In your previous thread I made the assumption that your "friend" has a crush on you, but after reading your current posting, and in particular this part:

14 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

He says he's been burned in the past by his ex who basically drained him off money (tuition, rent, utilities, bills, vacations, etc.). He also said I have many similarities to his ex

it seems that this man's displaced anger of his ex-wife is the reason of his hostility towards you. He is basically re-creating a scenario, where you need what he has and you feel indebted to him. He uses you as a punching bag to act out his unresolved anger to his ex-wife, that he cannot punish for some reason, but he can punish you.

Sorry for this convoluted explanation. In one word, in his head you are a user, like his ex-wife, and this is why he feels free to unload all his anger for her, onto you. 

If not a total nutcase, this man seem to have a lot of pent up anger for women and you are letting yourself being used as his punching bag. His criticism may escalate to something more sinister.

While I understand that a quiet place is important for studying, you really need to severe this arrangement with your "frienemy" and even better sever your ties with him altogether. He is not just a little awkward, or a drama king. Guy has lots of anger for his ex-wife, that has spilled over to a generalised hatred towards women. You cannot reason with him, just run.