6 months relationship, she left me because i took her for granted

[boze]

Hello...

I'm 34y old and I met a very cool and beautiful 31y old girl on a dating website, I really liked her a lot but I was emotionally unavailable due to my previous relationship, I was with a crazy person who were telling lies all the time, menacing me of suicide etc... I lost tons of weight, could not eat because of this bad person...

So when I met this new girl, I let her know about the crazy relationship i had before, and I told her that I was feeling "empty" and needed time..

We started our relationship and It was awesome at first, we both loves anime, manga, movies etc... after a few months she even talked about our futur etc (and in my head I though It was kinda fast to talk about this).

Well months passed but i still had some issues, "feeling empty" I wanted to be alone the week and wanted to see her only on week-end... (She didn't like that, and I agree with her).

I was still feeling empty, and she was telling my stories that didn't help me like : "I got rid of my best friend because she said that and that, I got rid of this person too, My mother is lucky to be my mother because i'd like to get rid of her too, I got rid of the guy because he did that and that."

She got also very angry at me one day because she was waiting for me in her car and i came 15mins late, she was really really upset that it almost killed our day.

I was thinking to myself "wow, If I open myself too much, and she get rid of me..." Wasn't helping me AT ALL...

And after 6 months, she decided to get rid of me lol ^^ 

We had an argument about a silly joke I made, I like to make jokes all the time and she said "too much jokes, not enough of love", saying jokes is sometimes a way to get closer to the people I appreciate, but it's another story. She said my jokes are getting annoying, I don't show enough and I don't see her enough, and we always pay half/half at the restaurant...

I did my best to show her my regret, I told her I'll change, i bought her a gift, I said that I don't want to loose her, that I love her, I kissed her hands (I cried too, It's bad I know) but no... She said we should remain friends because she doesn't want to cut contact because she likes me...

After 2 weeks chasing her, she didn't even want to see me in person she said she was not ready, so I said "ok I give up" she replied "ok 😞 sorry to be annoying, wish you the best" and she deleted me everywhere...

I tried NC for 10 days and came back she replied to me but it was a bit cold, I tried NC again for 10 days more, came back, I just said that I was thinking about her and wanted to say hello she replied "oh 🙂 " "you can come saying hello anytime you want to", then we talked a bit, about some series on netflix, but it was just being polite, I was saying 3 sentences she was replying two words...

So I stopped talking and i'm back in NC for 10 days now... and I feel bad again, I miss her...

After all this chasing, i'm thinking myself that I should leave her alone and see if she decides to give another try with me later, but since she left because I was "neglecting" her, I always feel I should try to show my interest more and more...

She is a military, and a VERY stubborn person, if many people tell her a movie is good she won't see it just to do the opposit of what people think lol

If i still have a slim chance, what should i do ? trying again or let her go ?

thanks...

[limichelle]

Honestly is she really worth the drama?

She sounds a lot like the girl you previously had before her. You seem to be getting into a bad pattern of letting toxic people into your life. If you want my honest advice?

 

You need to forget about her. You need to focus why you let these woman walk all over you. The moment she talked about those she cut off in her life and being mad about being late, is the time you should have bolted!

 

You need to know you deserve respect and once that sets in fully with you and the kind of respect you deserve. Then I suggest getting back out there. Until then prioritize you!

[boze]

thank you for your reply and for the time you took to read me !

Yeah I can't be sure, when someone leave me, I have tendency to put this person on a pedestal and thinking that she is a princess and that I will never find someone like her again, I think I have a "fear of abandonment" .

But of course I have some other exemples where she seemed to be a toxic person

I have a "funny" habit when i go to the cinema, it's something I say since many many years when I go there with someone :

When we buy popcorns, I always say "We don't eat popcorns before the movie start!" but I say it in a funny way, and often the girl i'm with or my friends will joke about it, they will try to eat the popcorns and we will laugh.

But for her, it was very different lol, when I said that we have to wait to eat the popcorn, she took it bad, she said something like "***, i can't even do what I want, why do you want to control everything?" Something like that, I replied to her that it was a simple joke and that she could eat the popcorns anytime, I said eat it, I don't mind ! you can eat all the box if you want lol

And when she left me, she talked about many things like i said, she told me : I don't show enough love, we always pay half/half at the restaurant, many things... that i agree with her.  But she also said : "I can't even eat popcorns when I want". 

I had to tell her again : the Popcorn thing was just a simple joke, I don't mind if you eat the popcorn before the movie start, really...

So yeah, something was weird about her personnality, I don't know exactly what, I don't feel I am the only one who had problems, but I agree that I didn't take care of her enough too and I regret it alot.

I wish I could have another shot and maybe she would behave differently if I show more things and open myself to her more, I don't know... 😞

Like I said, I'm wondering if I have to reach out again or not, I think having self respect is more attractive than chasing someone, but she dumped me because I was not showing enough, it sounds counter productive...  And I feel guilty and i'm full of regrets... I reached two times already... I think she knows that I care about her, but I'm always changing my mind, it depends the hours of the day, sometimes I will think that I did enough and a few hours later I will panic and want to reach again lol

But yeah letting her go is difficult at the moment I can't stop thinking about her and i'm constantly wondering if she will reach out one day or not... But maybe like you said, she is a toxic person and that would not workout with me and her, but because I feel that i didn't do my best in the relationship, I feel guilty and itdoesn't help to let it go. 😞

[Rose Mosse]

Don't do anything. Heal and recoup. You are all over the map. She doesn't share your humour either. Spend your time doing other things. Don't use other people when you're dealing with heartbreak. Stay single for awhile and spend time with friends. 

It seems your confidence has taken a battering. Groveling and begging for her to take you back every 10 days is only hurting your self-esteem even more. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a good time out and be around people who care about you, enjoy your hobbies and get back on track. 

[boze]

thank you for helping me,

She was sharing my humor at first when we were in the seduction phase, laughing all the time and saying silly things... she changed with time and months, 6 months later every joke i was making was making her upset, i think she was already thinking about leaving me.

Yeah i have no trust in myself now, i feel like a bag of poo or a trash, i feel so bad..

But no, every 10 days i try to come and say hello, what's up but i don't beg anymore.

My last attempt i just said i was thinking about her and wanted to say hi, thats when she said that : "oh 🙂 " "you can come saying hello anytime you want, what's up ?" but i was talking way more than she was, like i was saying 3 sentences she was replying 2 words, so i just stopped talking.

That smile " 🙂 " i don't know, there is something weird about it and i hate it lol i think she knows i'm reaching out because i miss her.

But no i stopped begging i did it the first 2 weeks... it's gonna be 10 days without speaking to her again today ^^ i feel weak af, but i think that i won't reach out.

 

[limichelle]

Don’t chase after someone who doesn’t spare a thought in your direction. You will end up back where you started from.

 

You need to remind yourself you don’t miss her herself just the company she kept. 
 

It’s easy to go to someone not right especially when you feel lonely. Better to be alone then miserable and constantly walking on eggshells.

 

don’t reach out

[lostandhurt]

I think your picker is broken.  The other one was crazy and this one is a control freak that jettisons people out of her life on a whim. 

 You miss what you remember and are still ignoring all those red flags.

Re-read what you wrote to us as if you were a stranger to the situation or as if it was your brother telling you about this girl he is having trouble with.  What would you think?

Lost

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, boze said:

 I was emotionally unavailable due to my previous relationship, I was with a crazy person who were telling lies all the time, menacing me of suicide etc... 

Sorry this happened.

How long were you and the "crazy ex" dating? How long were you broken up before you met this woman?

Were you still talking to the "crazy ex"?

It seems like you could not have done more to undermine and sabotage this. 

Playing victim, talking about an ex, being rude, being late, asking for space repeatedly. Why bother dating if you are just going to push them away by being a jerk?

Take a long time off from dating. Get your act together. Reflect on why you jerked her around this much.

Don't go backwards. Leave her alone. Work on yourself.

When you get yourself together, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting new women. But... don't be a 🤡 clown and play games.

[boze]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I think your picker is broken.  The other one was crazy and this one is a control freak that jettisons people out of her life on a whim. 

 You miss what you remember and are still ignoring all those red flags.

Re-read what you wrote to us as if you were a stranger to the situation or as if it was your brother telling you about this girl he is having trouble with.  What would you think?

Lost

i don't know man, as you can see, wiseman2 said i was the jerk in the story, i don't know, and you see, sometimes i feel she was not a very good girl and a few hours i will feel i was a jerk like he said and that i deserve what happened to me, but i'd really like another chance because i know that i can give more.

but she was a military so yeah, i think she is a strong person that like to control and since she is hot she doesn't bother on guys that make things difficult. she said normally she get rid of guys alot faster than this but with me she really wanted to try. i don't know, i can't stop feeling guilty and having regret, but i do believe she is also a bit weird and she was not helping me.

[boze]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened.

How long were you and the "crazy ex" dating? How long were you broken up before you met this woman?

Were you still talking to the "crazy ex"?

It seems like you could not have done more to undermine and sabotage this. 

Playing victim, talking about an ex, being rude, being late, asking for space repeatedly. Why bother dating if you are just going to push them away by being a jerk?

Take a long time off from dating. Get your act together. Reflect on why you jerked her around this much.

Don't go backwards. Leave her alone. Work on yourself.

When you get yourself together, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting new women. But... don't be a 🤡 clown and play games.

thank you for replying me,

i was with the crazy ex for 9 months and i believe she was a narcissist and was lying all the time, even for foods, if you asked her what fruits did you eat she could replies that she ate an orange and in fact it was an apple, a really sick person. But also very manipulative and smart.

No i was not talking to the crazy ex when i met my new gf ^^

I know i sucked so much, and that's why i hate myself now because i really liked this girl, it's when they leave that we can see that they were important ^^

BTW i don't think i played the victim i just told her my story and that i needed time, and she told me her story too... her previous break up was kinda weird she told me she got rid of a guy because he bought an expensive watch to her, it was too expensive and it scared her so she left him lol

What's "funny" is, i was kinda the opposit of that dude, and she left me too lol

but i think she can leave guys pretty fast because she knows that she is pretty, and since she is military, she is strong so it's probably easier for her.

but yeah i know that i f*cked up anyway, especially by not wanting to see her everyday and saying only on week end... i'm trying to leave her alone now, didn't bother her for 10 days, it's very difficult when you are full of regrets...

i'm kinda back to my previous state when i met her, i can't eat, can't sleep, lost tons of weight, thinking all the time and it's soon my birthday and i will be alone, all my friends are in different town ^^

and i probably deserve this sh*t

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, boze said:

  i probably deserve this sh*t

Happy birthday. Spend it with friends and family. Make the effort.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You describe a lot of inertia, withdrawal, vegetative symptoms, lassitude, self defeating thoughts and behaviors. 

It's all treatable if you get appropriate professional help.

Stay away from relationships until you can get a a better frame of mind.

 

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, boze said:

but she was a military so yeah, i think she is a strong person that like to control and since she is hot she doesn't bother on guys that make things difficult. she said normally she get rid of guys alot faster than this but with me she really wanted to try.

You seem disrespectful towards her and keep mentioning this military aspect. There's nothing wrong with her in my opinion. The only mistake she made was dating someone who wasn't healed from his past relationship and then coming back like a bad rash every 10 days.

Avoid contacting her again, be on your own for awhile. Be respectful of her, of yourself, have some self-respect, gain more confidence in dating and meeting people. Love yourself. You don't seem to love who you are or what you bring to a relationship. Dates pick up on that, potential partners usually cut and run because you seem on shaky ground and unsure of yourself. You may neglect others and keep telling yourself that other people are toxic or weird. No one is drawn to that.

She shouldn't have to help you. Zero. Help yourself. Take a time out and be on your own for awhile.

[Lambert]

Like others have said, you didn't heal from the past. Any time you find yourself giving your prospective or current partner some 'rules' about your feelings of you being empty and unavailable, stop. You should not be entering  into a new relationship. 

It's not on anyone else to fix YOUR feelings. We should all stay single until we are whole on our own. 

The things she was explaining to you, about endings of other relationships, were examples of her thought process and she was sharing with you.  But in your wounded state, it caused you to internalize it. Made it about her threatening to leave you. 

The other things about her personality, humor, and correcting you were probably signs of incompatibility. 

At around 6 Mos, we do start seeing more about the person, beyond our mutual interests and physical attraction.

In some ways, you aren't healed from the last relationship so this one hits yoy hard and you might be projecting old hurts on the new situation.

You're acting sporadically. Going NC for a few days, expecting things to have changed. 

Nothing has changed because you're not allowing yourself enough time for the dust to settle and see things more clearly. 

Dont keep in touch with her anymore. Focus on your friends, family, set some new personal goals for yourself, get a new project to focus on. 

To find a good partner, be a good partner. That's a person that is whole on there own. Ready to be open, loving, giving... not insecure, scared, putting up walls, hiding behind humor to say what you're really feeling.  I'm not sure if that is actually what your doing with the jokes. but with this particular girl, your humor was not hitting right. 

Hang in there. Take of yourself.  When you are feeling better, you'll see you might not even care about this girl... You'll meet someone better and be happy this happened. it's an opportunity to heal yourself and be a better person- confident and capable. 

[catfeeder]

Neither of you sound like a villain, you're just incompatible.

It also makes no sense to date when you're not ready to date. It just makes a mess.

Skip dating until you can relax into yourself and appreciate who you are without putting conditions on others to be around you.

[lostandhurt]

Take the blame or not the fact remains she dumped you and it is over.  Since she was so hot probably makes it sting that much more.

Get your stuff straightened out and then start dating again. 

As for her I would say she would be more apt to give you another chance if you were strong and confident, not begging for another chance telling her you will change.  Not sure why you want someone that discards people so easily, even her own mother if she could.

Guys do really stupid stuff for hot women

Lost

[Kwothe28]

If you see that the person gets rid of their friends on the whim, even says that they will get rid of their parents if they can, really dont be surprised when they get rid of you after you bore them. I am not saying that you are a boring person, just that she is that kind of person.

Also, have you thought that you have a "type"? Meaning that you get attached to the beautiful narcissistic type of girls where you bend over backwards for them? I mean from this here

6 hours ago, boze said:

she told me she got rid of a guy because he bought an expensive watch to her, it was too expensive and it scared her so she left him lol

you could have just run to the hills because that screams commitment issues. Also, one of the narcissists strongest treats.

Anyway, this was bound to happen at the end, so just leave her alone. But I am saying that maybe you should think about to what type of girls you get attached. And change that and avoid that type like a plague. Dating is in many ways a system of trials and errors. If we see that somehing goes wrong we learn from it and dont make the same mistakes next time. But you keep repeating them from some reason. You would have to learn. So you could avoid "banging your head against the wall" every time you meet somebody like that and get attached. Take your time and maybe think about your choices before you start dating again.

[boze]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

you could have just run to the hills because that screams commitment issues. Also, one of the narcissists strongest treats.

With me... She wanted to "pacse" It's a kind of marriage in my country, It's like a "light" marriage but It's still something kinda important, and she talked about it like 2 months before leaving me and I told her that we should wait a little bit.

She told me that she didn't want anything serious with the guy who offered this watch so she got scared that's why she left him.

But of course when she told me all these stories, leaving a guy for this, leaving another one for that, leaving her friend, wanting to leave her mom... Of course It didn't help me to put down my wall, got scared and I was telling myself ok, she will get rid of me soon, especially when she was mad at me when i came 15 mins late stuffs like that.

I don't know if she is a narcissist but she said that her father was one, we used to talk about it because i told her that my ex was a narcissist liar.

Maybe she is back with the guy who offered her the watch i don't know,she didn't come back to the dating website i met her it's weird. 😞

[boze]

And i understand you guys, i should not have dated anyone when i was not ready and healed from my previous relationship 😞

i have a story with her to share you want to know your advice...

Around 10 years ago i got a lips problem, my lips were so dry and i put something on my lip to moisturise it (some kind of lip balm) and a day later i got a tiny white dot on my lip, and a day later another one... And those white dots were growing in numbers...

I got scared, i showed my lips to a skin doctor, and he said that those white dots are normal, some people have them and i should not be worried about it... I told him that i didn't have that before putting the lip balm and it was growing in numbers, he didn't believe me.

After weeks, my problem was getting worse and worse and i was getting very scared...  i saw horrible pictures on google of people full of white dots on their lips, it was almost covering all the upper lip... and I didn't want to become like that...

And a guy on a forum said that he put jojoba oil on his lips and that it helped him a lot.

I put jojoba oil on my lips for like a year and It solved my problem... for some people it didn't work but for me, luckily it worked.

I found a girlfriend, and i kissed her while she was wearing some shiny moisturiser (those glossy things for girls) and those ***ty white dots came back... I got one, then two, and it was growing in number again day by day... I told my gf "now when you kiss me, wear your moisturiser after kissing me please because my lips react badly to it and i got those weird dots."

She was ok, i put jojoba oil again and the issue was solved after many months again (got very scared that it would not go away because like i said, for some people this condition doesn't go away even with laser treatment). Everything was fine after and we stayed together 1 year and half.

Me and this girl broke up, I got another girlfriend and I immediatly told her my problem, that my lip react badly when i put moisturiser on it, so if she could avoid to wear it before kissing me. She said ok, we stayed 4 years together without any issues.

I never had any problem when i was telling this issue to any girls...

And then when i met my last girlfriend, i remember one day we kissed... and she had something on her lips.

I told her " Do you have something on your lips ??"

She replied : "Yeah it's my cream, normally it's for the body, but i put it on my lips, it help when it's dry"

I immediately washed my lip and i told her my problem, I explained everything i just said (with more details of course) and then i asked her if she could put her cream after kissing me, not before.

She replied : "you know my cream is very important for me, i can't stop putting it on"

I said "yeah, but we don't see each other everyday, it should be fine no ? and when we are together, just wear it when you know that we won't kiss each other"

she said : "I really really love this cream ! it's my habit ! just check the ingredients, there is nothing armful inside, even babies can put it on!""

I replied :"i don't know what cause me this, one time it was a lip balm, another time my ex was wearing some kind of lip gloss, I really don't know what is doing this to me, so i won't be able to know if it's safe or not even if i check the ingredients in your cream and i can't take the risk"

She said : "I know but i don't like changing my habit, i like to put this really often..."

I replied : "then if we are together and your lips are dry, can you try jojoba oil ? it cost only 8 euros... it's cheap and natural, and when we don't kiss or are not together, you put your cream ?"

She didn't want.

After a few days she showed me that she finally purchased jojoba oil and she said :" you see i'm so kind to you, i bought it" .(but months passed and she put it on only one time, she didn't like it lol)

So anyway, when we broke up... she told me about why she wanted to break up with me: "You don't take care of me enough", "we always pay half/half at the restaurant", she talked about the popcorns joke she tooks seriously, and she ALSO said : "and i can't put my cream when i want, you didn't even check the ingredients it was making me upset.."

I told her again the issue, that i didn't know what was causing me this so i was trying to avoid any moisturiser.

what do you think about this story ?

[boze]

she just wrote to me... !!!! and its so weird

about a joke i made on facebook 3 months ago...

3 months ago my friend commented on my wall something funny like : i prefere grannies, then you don't feel the teeth when she give a bl*wjob.

i replied to him : no i like feeling the teeth !

and she got angry at me, she said, "why you put those things on your wall, it's really ridiculous, it's a shame". I said sorry and i deleted it.

and it was 3 monts ago... its getting old

And one hour ago (at around 1 AM ***) she reached out asking me : "when you said this joke about feeling the teeth, was it about me??"

i replied "hi, how are you ? no my friend made a joke you can check on facebook his wall is full of jokes, i was simply replying to his joke, but i was not thinking about you at all... i don't talk about you to my friends, he just knows how you look from your pic"

she said : ok i was wondering, i just wanted to know that, thanks for replying

i said : no problem

so weird, she didn't reply to my "how are you ?" , i'm wondering why she reached out for that.... is it an excuse to see if i'm still chasing her or maybe she did something with a guy and it turned bad and she feels insecure ? it's weird...

anyyway i replied and tried to don't chase or beg, i think i did the right thing but it's pretty weird reaching out and asking this... 😑

[lostandhurt]

Sigh...  You are so screwed.

  I have no advice for you but read your own words.  The answers are right there.

Lost                            

[boze]

9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Sigh...  You are so screwed.

  I have no advice for you but read your own words.  The answers are right there.

Lost                            

you mean about the fact that she reached out asking me this weird question ? or about what i said before ? thanks

[Wiseman2]

Two things.

Get to another physician and figure out what's really going on with the lip problem. Make sure you are tested for allergic reactions, herpes and other possible causes.

You can't run around going on and on about jojoba. Get some decent professional advice.

Next thing is clean up your social media presence. Delete and block all dead weight and idiots from ALL your social media.

Review your content and clean up stupid and offensive material. It makes you look bad.

Review your privacy settings. Make sure you restrict who can view your content,who can message you and who can post on your social media.

It's ridiculous to have to explain all this about jojoba oil theories and why dumb stuff is on your social media.

The solution is so easy. Get correct a diagnosis and treatment (especially get checked for STDs) and get appropriate treatment. 

Clean up your social media and keep stupid offensive material off it.

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, boze said:

you mean about the fact that she reached out asking me this weird question ? or about what i said before ? thanks

You are so hung up on this girl you are either ignoring red flags or you simply will tolerate her behavior just to be with a hot girl that treats you like crap.

  Her reaching out is because she was bored or wanted to make sure she still could control you which she obviously is.

   If you want to be in a healthy relationship you need to be healthy before you start dating.  That means you are healed and open, know what your dealbreakers are no matter how hot the woman is and be secure enough to walk away when it isn't working.

 Lost

[boze]

On 10/24/2021 at 5:16 PM, lostandhurt said:

You are so hung up on this girl you are either ignoring red flags or you simply will tolerate her behavior just to be with a hot girl that treats you like crap.

  Her reaching out is because she was bored or wanted to make sure she still could control you which she obviously is.

   If you want to be in a healthy relationship you need to be healthy before you start dating.  That means you are healed and open, know what your dealbreakers are no matter how hot the woman is and be secure enough to walk away when it isn't working.

 Lost

sorry to reply only now, i tried to heal and didn't think about it but i just can't... i just saw she posted a new picture on facebook (i don't have her in my friendlist anymore), but she put everything in private, the old profil picture are gone with the comments, and for the new profil picture, i can't see who liked it and who commented on it, everything is private totally, she probably got a new bf i don't see why she would do that if not.

i hurt in my belly a lot, i feel like i want to puke and got diarrea at the same time... the feeling is terrible

[lostandhurt]

That is the first stage of acceptance.  It is becoming real and you feel it which is perfectly fine. Feel like crap for a little while and then you will realize the world didn't stop spinning and your life is just fine without her in it.  In time you will look back and see this as a blessing.

  Keep busy, hang out with friends and get back to all the stuff you used to do that you put on the side for the last 6 months.  Basically get back to your life.

It is a good thing you cannot see any of her social media, it will only prolong the pain anyways.

 

Lost