Another guy

[Simon12345]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 5 years, and have a 3 years old son. We have lived together for 4 years. We are like any usual couple we have our fights but to my knowledge and I have never been given any reason to think otherwise we have both been faithful. The last few weeks we’ve argued about the same thing, I work away a lot and usually 6/7 days a week as I have a full time job and starting a business of my own. She argues I don’t give her enough time and that I don’t put enough effort into the relationship and I argue she she doesn’t pull her weight in the relationship with the house work as she doesn’t have a job. I guess it’s usual things. But recently it’s been the same argument week after week. My partner has started spending more time with friends she knows I don’t like which has caused more arguments. I found out last night the last 2 weeks while with these friends she’s been introduced to a mutual friend of the group and they started talking. As far as I know they have been together 3 times but always in the group, i confronted her and maga Ed to get her to show me all there messages which were all ‘love you xxxxxxx’ ‘miss you xxxxxxx’ discussing what’s happening between myself and my partner and also discussing getting a house together! This has all come from 2 weeks of meeting. I have no idea what to do or think, she says it was just for the attention I wasn’t giving her and he basically made her feel good and that’s it. I’m devastated and don’t know if I could ever get over it, makes me feel sick thinking about it  

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Simon12345 said:

they have been together 3 times but always in the group. discussing what’s happening between myself and my partner and also discussing getting a house together

Is she planning on moving out? 

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, Simon12345 said:

She argues I don’t give her enough time and that I don’t put enough effort into the relationship and I argue she she doesn’t pull her weight in the relationship with the house work as she doesn’t have a job.

... I mean.... when you treat your SO ^ like that what do you expect will happen? Instead of trying to work out how to give some time to your relationship, your reaction is to throw in her face how she doesn't clean the house enough? I honestly have no words. 

When you take her for granted and teach her how to live without you, don't be shocked that one day you find her gone.

Rather than acting like an offended victim, maybe consider that you've been a sh$t partner for too long and have neglected your relationship for too long and this your hard wake up call on that. If you don't really care about her and would just rather pay child support, then let her go and be with someone who will be present as a partner. If you want to keep this relationship together, then actually sit down with her and acknowledge where you went wrong and try to fix things between you and never take your relationships for granted again. The I'm so busy with work excuse only stretches so far.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Simon12345 said:

he argues I don’t give her enough time and that I don’t put enough effort into the relationship and I argue she she doesn’t pull her weight in the relationship with the house work as she doesn’t have a job. I guess it’s usual things. But recently it’s been the same argument week after week. My partner has started spending more time with friends she knows I don’t like which has caused more arguments. I found out last night the last 2 weeks while with these friends she’s been introduced to a mutual friend of the group and they started talking.

I get what DancingFool is saying.

Yes, a relationship should be a partnership but this is more like a transaction--a nonsensical transaction! Are you saying if she does more housework or she gets a job, you'll spend more time with her? That doesn't make any sense and furthermore, she doesn't believe you. So, she went and found the companionship she craved by going out with friends. Now, while you're complaining about having the same argument over and over again, another guy is doing the simple thing that you could have and should have done but refused to do. If that's a 'usual' dynamic in your life, I'm sorry. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just because she isn't working, does not make her the maid.  I work full-time with two companies I own, have two kids, and volunteer for a non-profit, and when my hubs wasn't working (COVID, SAHD, etc.), I have never ever once thrown "you don't clean enough" in his face.  And she's not laying around the house...she's keeping your 3 year old alive and happy.

Essentially, if you were to quantify her salary as a personal chef, housekeeper, nanny, she'd be making $120K/year...your statement is hurtful, and degrading.  

She's asking you to spend more time with her and the kids, and you play victim that the house isn't clean enough? What does a clean house have to do with hanging out with your family?  I think you need to take a hard look at yourself and get your priorities straight.  She is looking for attention and affection...so either figure it out, or she's out the door with your kiddo.

Get a babysitter or take them both out, and go to the park, pick pumpkins, apples, whatever families do where you are, and do it each week.  And thank her for her hard work.

[Lambert]

I think the others did a good job of calling out the issue you have. And I have agree... she's asking you for attention and love.  And instead of hearing that and addressing it in a mature way with your partner, you made it a pissing match, where she doesn't do the household chores right. 

That is very immature. You are excusing your behavior  & saying if she was a better housekeeper, you would love her more.

You are diminishing her needs and blaming her for your short commings.

Also please know, a person that takes care of a 3 year old is working.  And it's 24 hours a day. if you can't respect what she contributes and you can't see how you are basically claiming the work you do is more important than what she is doing, you probably should be single. 

Then you can work your butt off all week and be a dad every other weekend. 

[Batya33]

Does she take are of your child while you’re away ?  That’s a job in itself with tons of responsibility I might add. 

[Cherylyn]

On your day off, have your partner take the day off for the day or two starting at very early in the morning until very late at night while YOU take care of a small child around the clock, clean the house until it is spotless, take care of errands and don't forget to have a home cooked meal waiting for her when she gets home!  Once you realize how much work it is to take care of a little child and maintain a household simultaneously, perhaps this will be a wake up call and you'll learn to be grateful to your partner for all she does. 

Spend more time with the mother of your child and your son otherwise you'll sorely regret it because you can never get precious time back while everyone is still young. 

[itsallgrand]

I disagree with the majority here. This is her showing her true character. Didn't take much either, a few years. Boohoo she wasn't getting attention... You working a full time job plus starting a business to take care of everyone financially, where is the time? If she wanted time, she could go get a job and take pressure off of you. Allow you to spend time with your child too. 

But nope. She went running to another man. Someone else to take care of her. She can't take care of herself? Her own business? It's weak. You know this is what she will do whenever things aren't going how she wants, you can never trust her going forward to have your back. 

Are you perfect? Of course not. There was more you could have done to try to fix this when she said she was unhappy. Does it make what she did ok? Hell no. 

I hope you have your butt covered as far as legally, and your assets are protected. The worst part about this is if it comes to it you may have to fight for custody to even get fair access to your child, and you'll probably be the one paying her. 

 

[itsallgrand]

Bottom line is its never your fault when someone cheats on you. That's squarely on them as a person and their own moral compass/coping abilities to deal with issues. Think long and hard about that. 

I'm honestly feeling gross that people are trying to blame this on you, or tell you how you need to go making this up to her. It's backwards. 

Doesn't mean you don't have your own part to play in the relationship, but I repeat, her cheating is never your fault. 

 

[Jibralta]

I don't think anyone is excusing the cheating. People are just highlighting the stone wall attitude that helped it along. Both people are acting immaturely in my opinion. 

10 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Boohoo she wasn't getting attention.

Not boo hoo. Big deal. I'm in my relationship for love and affection. Without that, there's no relationship for me. I get my transactional fix from work. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

On your day off, have your partner take the day off for the day or two starting at very early in the morning until very late at night while YOU take care of a small child around the clock, clean the house until it is spotless, take care of errands and don't forget to have a home cooked meal waiting for her when she gets home! 

I agree with this (although I don't see cleaning as a main focus of a person who is taking care of a child full time so I recommend at least partially outsourcing that).  Also I -like I bet many other spouses who are the primary caregivers (or were when the child was young) used to still prep for the outing my husband was taking our son on - the bag with the diapers/wipes/cheerios/favorite toys/matchbox cars -the right ones!!! /flask of whiskey (just kidding -never had that desire for any alcohol!) / juice box/bottle/sippy cup whatever, etc.  And the first aid stuff.  Sunscreen.  

And if you don't prep and plan the night before for any kind of more than an hour outing you're racing around doing that and hoping still to make it home by nap time or do that "transition" -the sleeping child from the stroller or car seat into the house without waking him (and heaven forbid you decided to get your favorite ice cream on sale on the way home so you're praying that child doesn't wake up/ice cream doesn't melt.  

For example.  But do all of it including the prep.  I still do the prep stuff and he's 12.  (I prefer it as otherwise there are multiple texts and a number of returns to the home to get this or that).  

I don't excuse the cheating either by the way.  Agree with Jibralta's take!

[smackie9]

Things are falling apart indeed. She's escaping with this guy, and you escape at work. Fighting is NOT the usual for couples in a healthy relationship. Healthy is communicating honestly and with respect. You want to save this you two better learn how to talk, not argue, learn to listen, and work at it with honest effort with care and attention.

[itsallgrand]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think anyone is excusing the cheating. People are just highlighting the stone wall attitude that helped it along. Both people are acting immaturely in my opinion. 

Not boo hoo. Big deal. I'm in my relationship for love and affection. Without that, there's no relationship for me. I get my transactional fix from work. 

I guess I just see it differently. Yes, love and affection are the big reason I'm with my partner too. Partnership in the business of life is another part of it too though. And it's part of the bedrock for me. If he refused to meet me in the middle as far as working for what we want in life, I'd feel less inclined to prioritize time for him. It would make me feel like I'm no longer on a team. 

I don't really see it as stonewalling to bring up concerns about getting work done. That can be a valid ask, especially as a counter to your partner wanting more time with you and less of you doing work. Basically, dig in and get what needs doing done. I just imagine being in this position with a partner saying "hey I miss you, you need to put more effort in the relationship" and me saying "ok, but I've got all these things on the go so we can keep this lifestyle and you staying home, I need you to step up a bit more too"... He'd just do it. Or offer to adjust lifestyle so I could work less. He wouldn't run around, he wouldn't work less in protest (when she's out running around). And if he did, he'd be gone so fast. 

Hope OP replies back. Give us more information. 

 

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with this (although I don't see cleaning as a main focus of a person who is taking care of a child full time so I recommend at least partially outsourcing that).  Also I -like I bet many other spouses who are the primary caregivers (or were when the child was young) used to still prep for the outing my husband was taking our son on - the bag with the diapers/wipes/cheerios/favorite toys/matchbox cars -the right ones!!! /flask of whiskey (just kidding -never had that desire for any alcohol!) / juice box/bottle/sippy cup whatever, etc.  And the first aid stuff.  Sunscreen.  

And if you don't prep and plan the night before for any kind of more than an hour outing you're racing around doing that and hoping still to make it home by nap time or do that "transition" -the sleeping child from the stroller or car seat into the house without waking him (and heaven forbid you decided to get your favorite ice cream on sale on the way home so you're praying that child doesn't wake up/ice cream doesn't melt.  

For example.  But do all of it including the prep.  I still do the prep stuff and he's 12.  (I prefer it as otherwise there are multiple texts and a number of returns to the home to get this or that).  

I don't excuse the cheating either by the way.  Agree with Jibralta's take!

I remember those days of organization and prep the night before for the next day's outings and errands.  Taking care of a child or children plus maintaining a humming household is a lot of work.  There is no break. 

It's all about timing around nap schedules otherwise there are temper tantrums due to over stimulation and exhaustion.  I remember a time when my toddler son had a packed day of errands with me and we were way off his schedule.  Once home, he had a major meltdown.  That was the first and last time that ever happened!  Note with second son, we were always on track and prevented any mishaps! 

Regarding OP, Simon1234, he needs to step up and help his partner no matter what.  When my husband was the primary breadwinner and I stayed home with two very young sons (preschooler and baby) for several years, I tried to do it all to no avail.  I still needed help with errands, cooking and housecleaning.  It's difficult to haul little kids everywhere on errands.  My husband and I tag teamed.  It was divide and conquer.  Often times, he stayed home while I grocery shopped or I would dust, he vacuumed and if I had any energy leftover, I'd mop.  We both cleaned bathrooms and kitchen.  He helped with laundry.  Other times, he would grocery shop on the way home from work.  He was very cooperative and he made our life harmonious.  Happy wife equals happy life!  Why was he this way?  Because his father helped his mother a lot.  He grew up observing what a real man is so man up!  Step up and don't wait for your partner to ask you for help.  Just DO IT. 

It's very busy during the early years but as years pass by and your child grows up, it gets easier and you and your partner will have more time.  You will teach your son how to be a man with your non-verbal communication.  He is observing you and someday when he's a father, he too will be honorable by helping his partner or wife.  A strong father figure teaches his son how to respect women. 

[catfeeder]

In your shoes I wouldn't devolve this into an issue of who is 'right or wrong,' but rather, I'd ask, 'What do I WANT'?

If what I want is to keep this woman, then I'd back up and recognize that it won't happen unless there is something in it for her to keep her happy. I'd ask whether she's open to couples counseling, and I'd learn ways to negotiate what she wants and needs in exchange for what I want and need from her.

If what I want is to eject this woman for her disloyalty, then I'd put the emotional stuff aside to reconcile later as I operate on practicality: meet with an attorney to learn my options and the best steps to take toward each option. Then make decisions based on REAL information rather than emotions alone.

I'd skip the idea of trying mix keeping her AND holding onto a grudge for her disloyalty. Those two things won't mix to form anything successful--just torture for both of you.