Husband talking to someone else

[emm2000000]

My husband and I got married 3 weeks ago and 2 weeks before the wedding I caught him speaking to a girl, totally out of character and absolutely broke my heart. I only saw a small amount of the conversations on his iPad, I had gone onto his iPad as mine was dead to watch Netflix in the bath, and it asked me to log in his iMessage, so he had switched it off. It then showed brief snippets of a couple of messages, nothing that extreme but we went out for a date night and she was meant to be going to the restaurant too but didn’t and he said something along the lines of ‘oh what a shame I could’ve met you by the toilets’.

I confronted him and it’s a girl in his work and apparently they are just friends. I asked him to show me their messages to prove they were just friends and he quickly deleted them, and said he just wouldn’t show me because I’d read into it too much. He said he just enjoyed the attention and that it would stop and he’d have no contact with her other than passing in work. I was so close to leaving in and I think he could tell, but we went ahead and got married. I really did genuinely feel like the messages were just over.

I don’t think for one minute he ever cheated on me but I couldn’t understand why he felt he needed to message this girl, that I had never even heard of before this point. Last night I had an awful dream that he had cheated on me, I know I’m in the wrong for looking, every time my gut tells me something most of the time I’m true. There was a photo on his iPad sent from WhatsApp of a lecture at university, with the course that I know she’s studying in the background. I asked him again this morning if they’re talking and he said they’re not and since that photo she sent has moved to his recently deleted. I saved her number to my phone and I paid close attention all morning and they were online and the same time / minutes apart so it really is obvious that I’m correct.

I know I’m in the wrong for searching through his iPad and trying to find information, I know that. And I look like a psychopath. But I need evidence because I cannot stay with a man who ive been married to for only 3 weeks when I cannot trust him. I don’t feel like I’m ready to ask for an opinion of a friend or family member, I never told a soul about everything that’s happened because I feel so ashamed and embarassed by it so I wanted to seek some external advice. Just to add, he has a daughter who I have taken under my wing (only part time, her mum is around) who I love and adore and would do absolutely anything for, so I just can’t understand why he’d want to risk throwing everything we have away for her. She’s 22 and a university student and she really isn’t attractive so I’m baffled and need some advice.

thanks 

[DancingFool]

When someone breaks your trust, especially by cheating, checking and verifying what they are doing is sensible. So no, you are not acting like a psychopath for checking up on what's going on with him. Your intuition was spot on. Where you went wrong is marrying this guy and if I were you, I'd be talking to a lawyer to see if you can get an annulment asap. Like today because time is ticking on that.

Please do not use his daughter as an excuse to stick around. She has her parents and her life and will continue to live her life whether you are a part of that or not.

As for why cheaters do what they do? Because it's thrilling. It's not about what the side chic offers, it's about the act of sneaking around and fooling you and her both. You are both useful dupes and he feels powerful using and manipulating you both.

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

nothing that extreme but we went out for a date night and she was meant to be going to the restaurant too but didn’t and he said something along the lines of ‘oh what a shame I could’ve met you by the toilets’.

Yes, I also text "work friends" to meet me by the toilets lol

There is no trust there, he even didnt let you look at the messages(wonder why lol). So no wonder you are full of distrust. Bad news is, it turns you into obsessive wife. Its no way to live, you either trust him or not, you obviously dont. If you want evidence, hire PI, pretty sure they will bring you bunch. If they dont, at least you know that you can trust him. But obsessively checking out when he and his supposed lover are online is no way to do it and not good for your mental health. You should have cut that through before the wedding and not go into marriage full of mistrust. 

[Lambert]

I don't think you need additional proof... I would be openly pissed and ready to throw his butt out.

You've been married less than a month, he's deleted messages and lying right to your face, justifying bull crap by saying YOU would read into it.

Screw that!  he's a married man and obviously wants to date other people.

I would not waste time. I would talk to an attorney about an annulment. He's obviously old enough to know what he is doing. He has an adult child.

I would NOT be embarrassed and hide this from my family and friends. He is a horrible person and he playing you,  gaslighting you, because why?  he likes attention.... the nerve. playing the sad victim. 

As for his daughter, don't make excuses to harm yourself.  His kid might be great. but your marriage is to this guy. don't muddy it up. You act in your best interests NOW.

Tolerating him, playing along to be nice etc will only harm you more in the long run.

Cheat on me 3 weeks in? oh and believe me lying to me to protect another woman, your little toilet friend, is betraying me. And I would go scorched earth on his butt so fast.

 

[gamon]

It's not going to get better.

[tattoobunnie]

What you saw was the tip of the iceberg.  I guarantee you he's been doing this for a very long time.  And probably with others when he was with his baby momma.  You've been married 3 weeks...imagine after several years.  

You can get an annulment through the state under you were married under false pretenses.  Do not be embarrassed!! He should be embarrassed for being a giant a-hole.

It's one thing to chat secretly.  It's quite another to work together, and make plans to meet by the toilets.  YA-NOPEEEEE!!!!! Drop it like it's HOT.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

we went out for a date night and she was meant to be going to the restaurant too but didn’t and he said something along the lines of ‘oh what a shame I could’ve met you by the toilets’. I confronted him and it’s a girl in his work and apparently they are just friends. I asked him to show me their messages to prove they were just friends and he quickly deleted them, and said he just wouldn’t show me because I’d read into it too much. He said he just enjoyed the attention and that it would stop and he’d have no contact with her other than passing in work.

Yeah, I find there's a few concerns here 😕 .

1) His comment on meeting up by the toilets.

2) He deleted their conversations.

3) He works with her.

4) Your trust is damaged.

With this occurance, which was something YOU caught on to, who knows what's all been said? 

Way I see it, is if he's so into her?  Then let him have her.... Unless you feel you have enough trust in him to let it all go?

So, you have some things to think on now. ( Maybe is best to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and explain how this has affected your relationship, lack of trust etc.. then ask him what HE thinks you should do.. and inform him you are considering ending it).

 

 

[melancholy123]

This is not going to end well.  I'd bet it's been going on a lot longer than he says.  You should talk to a lawyer - soon.

[Rose Mosse]

Speak with a lawyer in private and let this relationship go. 

The issue with seeking more info is that you will get sucked deeper and deeper into a pile of stinking you know what and obsessed about a person who isn't loyal or devoted to the relationship in the first place. It's going down a rabbit hole of waste, wasted time, wasted energies, wasted life. 

Choose to end all that misery and choose something better for yourself, a life different than this one. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

he has a daughter who I have taken under my wing, so I just can’t understand why he’d want to risk throwing everything we have away for her.

How long were you dating before you married? Was he "separated" when you started dating? He seems like a serial cheater, so be careful and take care of yourself. Don't cover for him. Be honest with Trusted friends and family. Do not be his live in nanny.  Let him and the child's mother take care of her.

[Nfllover99]

6 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

My husband and I got married 3 weeks ago and 2 weeks before the wedding I caught him speaking to a girl, totally out of character and absolutely broke my heart. I only saw a small amount of the conversations on his iPad, I had gone onto his iPad as mine was dead to watch Netflix in the bath, and it asked me to log in his iMessage, so he had switched it off. It then showed brief snippets of a couple of messages, nothing that extreme but we went out for a date night and she was meant to be going to the restaurant too but didn’t and he said something along the lines of ‘oh what a shame I could’ve met you by the toilets’. I confronted him and it’s a girl in his work and apparently they are just friends. I asked him to show me their messages to prove they were just friends and he quickly deleted them, and said he just wouldn’t show me because I’d read into it too much. He said he just enjoyed the attention and that it would stop and he’d have no contact with her other than passing in work. I was so close to leaving in and I think he could tell, but we went ahead and got married. I really did genuinely feel like the messages were just over. I don’t think for one minute he ever cheated on me but I couldn’t understand why he felt he needed to message this girl, that I had never even heard of before this point. Last night I had an awful dream that he had cheated on me, I know I’m in the wrong for looking, every time my gut tells me something most of the time I’m true. There was a photo on his iPad sent from WhatsApp of a lecture at university, with the course that I know she’s studying in the background. I asked him again this morning if they’re talking and he said they’re not and since that photo she sent has moved to his recently deleted. I saved her number to my phone and I paid close attention all morning and they were online and the same time / minutes apart so it really is obvious that I’m correct. I know I’m in the wrong for searching through his iPad and trying to find information, I know that. And I look like a psychopath. But I need evidence because I cannot stay with a man who ive been married to for only 3 weeks when I cannot trust him. I don’t feel like I’m ready to ask for an opinion of a friend or family member, I never told a soul about everything that’s happened because I feel so ashamed and embarassed by it so I wanted to seek some external advice. Just to add, he has a daughter who I have taken under my wing (only part time, her mum is around) who I love and adore and would do absolutely anything for, so I just can’t understand why he’d want to risk throwing everything we have away for her. She’s 22 and a university student and she really isn’t attractive so I’m baffled and need some advice.

thanks 

You need to leave ASAP. Plenty of good guys like me to go around. Drop him it will be better for everyone l

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, Nfllover99 said:

Plenty of good guys like me to go around. 

Lol 

Op, yes, there are better people out there. Lean on friends and family for support and rethink this relationship.

[Lambert]

16 minutes ago, Nfllover99 said:

You need to leave ASAP. Plenty of good guys like me to go around. Drop him it will be better for everyone l

There are good guys! Don't let fear hold you back! 

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

My husband and I got married 3 weeks ago and 2 weeks before the wedding I caught him speaking to a girl, totally out of character and absolutely broke my heart. I only saw a small amount of the conversations on his iPad, I had gone onto his iPad as mine was dead to watch Netflix in the bath, and it asked me to log in his iMessage, so he had switched it off. It

Your guardian angel made sure you saw this, but you ignored the warning and legally tied yourself to a dirtbag. Learn from this and know that a person's ethics are their ethics. Who cares if he said he would cut this girl off? Didn't his character, shown through his words, make you see him as ugly and blackhearted?

Mistakes to forgive are minor things like forgetting once that it's your turn to do the laundry. Poor ethics are egregious and not something to let slide.

I agree you should get an annulment. I'm sorry you've been betrayed like this. 

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

I don’t think for one minute he ever cheated on me

Gently, I think you are wrong about this. 

[lostandhurt]

My advice is you married a cheater.  The worst part is you knew it and still married him.

He has lied to you but you lied to yourself when you talked yourself into believing him.

  If you actually need to catch him in the act to end this then stay silent and let him believe you are still in the dark and he will go back to his old ways soon enough.  Then carefully check up on him.

Then you can get the marriage annulled or divorce or what ever works the fastest.

Lost