I need tips on how to move on from a relationship. My feelings are all over the place

[Nasnas]

Hi! I need advice, opinions, anything.
So I met this guy after 8 months or so of my previous breakup (this may be relevant idk). He was really sweet in the beginning. He would say really sweet things and make an effort to meet up etc. I was going through things in my life (anxiety) and with university applications etc I was really stressed. I didn’t really have feelings for him and didn’t really give that effort back. However, I did always tell him that I wanted to try this and tried explaining what I was going through and the reasons why I couldn’t meet up for example or “put him first”. I don’t even think he believed me. Living in Africa people don’t really understand these problems, by these I mean mental health problems, etc. You’re either sane or insane in their book. It was fine when he had work and he had to cancel or something but when I did he takes it personally sometimes. He would feel bad and that in turn would make me feel bad. He did take no for an answer and didn’t really pressure me at first but at some point he started getting irritated, I believe he just couldn’t be patient anymore. We started talking less and arguing more about small things. I started to see some traits that I do not like. He has a stereotypical and overprotective nature. And other traits that go against my values so being in the middle of a mental battle (and with all of the anxiety and stress) I decided to ask him to be friends. He got so pissed. Part of me was hoping he would say let’s work this out or I’ll try to be more understanding or “let’s work this out” but that didn’t happen. 

We argued again after that. He would be the one to call most of the time because he usually has work and whenever we argued he would not call me for a week or so. I would be the one mad so obviously I wouldn’t call him (I have anger and ego problems I’m working on them). When I ask him what happened he would say I was waiting for you to cool down. So we don’t fix the problems but completely avoid them.  If I bring them up and say let’s fix it he gets so mad and completely shuts me down even threatens to put the phone down. (Yes we had relationship problems even though we were “friends”). 
 

I don’t realize these things when I’m talking to him but when I’m sitting alone I overthink so much. And since he doesn’t want to talk about anything the problems got bigger. One time I did too much overthinking and decided to send him a message telling him that I can’t do this anymore. I told him that I was leaving for uni anyway and it would make this hard for us. Being with him made my anxiety worse. I had too much on my plate and his sweet nature had disappeared anyway so I just couldn’t handle it anymore. He didn’t have the ability to understand me. In that moment I threw up and had a mental breakdown.
 

I told him and he didn’t even ask me if I was okay. It broke my heart. He said I didn’t know what I wanted and that I had an ego problem. He was so mad about the text that we didn’t talk for three weeks. He called me once after that and we talked normal. He said he just wanted to say Hi. I asked him to meet up the next day so we can talk but due to work reasons we had to cancel and it seemed normal. He didn’t text me the next day or the day after but I texted him. At that point I felt like I was forcing conversations so I stopped calling and texting. Part of me wanted him to call. Part of me still wants things to be like they used to, not with the guy he is now but the past version of him. The person he was to me in the beginning. It just seems like he doesn’t care anymore. I saw him today and nothing changed at some cafe (coincidence). We acted like nothing happened. I guess I just have to put this behind me but what’s bad is that I feel like it’s all my fault. I feel like I’ve hurt him that he had to change into the person he is now. I actually miss him idk what’s wrong with me. I need tips and advice. 

 

ps: I’m an Infj and he’s an entp

[Rose Mosse]

You were manipulative and selfish for continuing to keep him around and hold him at arm's length. If you're not available to date, don't date. Don't overcomplicate the issue and know your limits. Work on your classes and do well. You've learned the hard way that dates/partners are not obligated to be punching bags while you sort yourself out. 

What he should have done unfortunately was respect your boundaries and severed contact with you because you were not meeting his needs in a relationship. 

Move on from this, keep working on school and keep your eye on the ball. No sense in losing all that now for some barely there relationship. Do seek counselling or oncampus therapy if you can and if it's available. Are you also able to engage in other activities or sports to blow off steam or find a hobby group that you are into? Focusing only on classes isn't healthy. Have some outlets and meet other people too without getting mixed up in stressful relationships.

[Lambert]

Sounds like a classic case of wanting your cake and eating, too.

When you break up with someone, you have to let them go. They don't owe anything. 

[Kwothe28]

Move on from what? Sounds like you werent even in a relationship. You put the guy in the friendzone and then asked why he doesnt care. And you miss him because you were fine with his attention, not him. So now when he doesnt give it to you, you miss that. Sorry, but nobody is gona orbit around you forever just because. He had his limits and you hit them, that is it. 

Also, by constant fighting, you both sound very incompatible. So probably good call by not initiating the relationship. I hardly doubt that you made him that way at the end, that stuff doesnt happen over night, but you did made him more angrier in time by giving him nothing of the substance. Who knows why its good, as I said, you are incompatible, but try not to string along guys for attention next time if you want them to care for you and your problems.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Nasnas said:

I didn’t really have feelings for him and didn’t really give that effort back. However, I did always tell him that I wanted to try this and tried explaining what I was going through and the reasons why I couldn’t meet up for example or “put him first”. I

Take time off from dating. Dating is not therapy. Focus on your university goals.

Edited October 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[boltnrun]

You told him you didn't want a relationship with him, didn't want to date him, let's be "friends" and that you "can't do this anymore"...and you're mad because he didn't chase you?  Are you seriously mad at him for respecting your expressed wishes?

The guy obviously has at least some self esteem.  

Stop playing ping pong with him and stop expecting people to chase you.  Yes, you do have "ego" issues, so acknowledge that and work on it.  But don't use others to work on your issues.   Those are for you to solve.

[Nasnas]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

Sounds like a classic case of wanting your cake and eating, too.

When you break up with someone, you have to let them go. They don't owe anything. 

 

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You were manipulative and selfish for continuing to keep him around and hold him at arm's length. If you're not available to date, don't date. Don't overcomplicate the issue and know your limits. Work on your classes and do well. You've learned the hard way that dates/partners are not obligated to be punching bags while you sort yourself out. 

What he should have done unfortunately was respect your boundaries and severed contact with you because you were not meeting his needs in a relationship. 

Move on from this, keep working on school and keep your eye on the ball. No sense in losing all that now for some barely there relationship. Do seek counselling or oncampus therapy if you can and if it's available. Are you also able to engage in other activities or sports to blow off steam or find a hobby group that you are into? Focusing only on classes isn't healthy. Have some outlets and meet other people too without getting mixed up in stressful relationships.

Just to clarify and Add something we did makeup (kissed and even confessed to each other) after the whole I want to be friends situation we just didn’t label it. 
 

Thank you for your input and thank you for being honest, I really needed this. 

[Nasnas]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You told him you didn't want a relationship with him, didn't want to date him, let's be "friends" and that you "can't do this anymore"...and you're mad because he didn't chase you?  Are you seriously mad at him for respecting your expressed wishes?

The guy obviously has at least some self esteem.  

Stop playing ping pong with him and stop expecting people to chase you.  Yes, you do have "ego" issues, so acknowledge that and work on it.  But don't use others to work on your issues.   Those are for you to solve.

Just to clarify and Add something we did makeup (kissed and even confessed to each other) after the whole I want to be friends situation we just didn’t label it. 
 

Thank you for your input and thank you for being honest, I really needed this. 
I came on here to learn and work on my mistakes, and that I will do. 

[Nasnas]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take time off from dating. Dating is not therapy. Focus on your university goals.

I’m trying to do that thanks!

[Nasnas]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Move on from what? Sounds like you werent even in a relationship. You put the guy in the friendzone and then asked why he doesnt care. And you miss him because you were fine with his attention, not him. So now when he doesnt give it to you, you miss that. Sorry, but nobody is gona orbit around you forever just because. He had his limits and you hit them, that is it. 

Also, by constant fighting, you both sound very incompatible. So probably good call by not initiating the relationship. I hardly doubt that you made him that way at the end, that stuff doesnt happen over night, but you did made him more angrier in time by giving him nothing of the substance. Who knows why its good, as I said, you are incompatible, but try not to string along guys for attention next time if you want them to care for you and your problems.

Believe it or not this hurt as much as a relationship. To clarify and add something: we did makeup after the friendzone situation we just didn’t label it. I know it’s wrong to do that too but I just wanted to clarify. 
 

Thank you for your honest input, that’s why I came here. 

[Nasnas]

Thank you to all who replied. This was all very helpful. 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Nasnas said:

Just to clarify and Add something we did makeup (kissed and even confessed to each other) after the whole I want to be friends situation we just didn’t label it. 
 

Thank you for your input and thank you for being honest, I really needed this. 
I came on here to learn and work on my mistakes, and that I will do. 

The point is, you told him you "can't do this anymore" and then got upset because he didn't chase you.  He respected your stated wishes and you got upset!  That makes no sense. 

Hopefully you realize now that trying to use reverse psychology on people seldom works out the way you think it will.  Honesty is the best policy.

[Nasnas]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The point is, you told him you "can't do this anymore" and then got upset because he didn't chase you.  He respected your stated wishes and you got upset!  That makes no sense. 

Hopefully you realize now that trying to use reverse psychology on people seldom works out the way you think it will.  Honesty is the best policy.

I came on here because I want to understand so I want to ask, genuinely. 
 

Yes I really couldn’t do that anymore but that doesn’t mean I wanted our friendship to go away with it too or that we couldn’t try again right? I wanted the relationship but I just needed space to figure things out. And he understood that btw he said “we can start off as friends” what was I supposed to do? Like what would have been the right thing to do? 
 

How do people make things work when you’re too different or when you’re doing through something temporary? I’m trying to understand so I don’t make the same mistakes again. 

Edited October 9, 2021 by Nasnas

[boltnrun]

How about you say this to him?

53 minutes ago, Nasnas said:

I really couldn’t do that anymore but that doesn’t mean I wanted our friendship to go away with it too or that we couldn’t try again right? I wanted the relationship but I just needed space to figure things out.

Instead of getting upset because he respected your wishes?  And expecting him to chase you?

Also, don't expect someone to wait around while you "figure things out".  That's disrespectful of his time.

You can't make relationships all about you and what you want.  He is a human being with feelings just like you.  Try to remember that next time you think about playing ping pong with someone's emotions.

You're young, this is a good life lesson.  I think since you're open to feedback you'll do better going forward.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Nasnas said:

Yes I really couldn’t do that anymore but that doesn’t mean I wanted our friendship to go away with it too or that we couldn’t try again right? I wanted the relationship but I just needed space to figure things out. And he understood that btw he said “we can start off as friends” what was I supposed to do? Like what would have been the right thing to do? 

To not expect him to give you attention? OK, you make up a few times. He clearly wanted a relationship, not just being friends that make up every now and then. So in time just moved away. For "casual" you find somebody who is fine with, for example, just to meet and make up every now and then when you hear from each other and/or just see in town. That is exactly what he gave you and where you are now. Point is you expected a "full girlfriend" treatment. For him to be sweet, care about you, call you etc. While putting him in a "friendzone" and kiss him every now and then. Your expectations were not in line with the other line you put between you two that represented how far he can go. Was he suppose to wait until you made up your mind about the relationship? What if it never happens? What if you find another guy in meantime? Or to respect the line you put between you two and act accordingly? What I am trying to say is, that if you want casual relationship you shouldnt expect him to care that much about you. That is why its "casual", not an actual relationship.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Nasnas said:

How do people make things work when you’re too different or when you’re doing through something temporary? I’m trying to understand so I don’t make the same mistakes again

Before you even consider this, you need to be ready to be in a relationship. You need to be happy as a single person, independent, have a good self esteem, and be respectful of your boundaries and needs.

As you date someone, you keep track of red flags, compatibilities and incompatibilities, and stop when needed. If you are in a relationship, you communicate mutually your needs and don't let problems be swept under the rug. The list can go on and on, but you need to realize that some things can be worked on and some things not; That will come with experience and a good self esteem.

[Nasnas]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

To not expect him to give you attention? OK, you make up a few times. He clearly wanted a relationship, not just being friends that make up every now and then. So in time just moved away. For "casual" you find somebody who is fine with, for example, just to meet and make up every now and then when you hear from each other and/or just see in town. That is exactly what he gave you and where you are now. Point is you expected a "full girlfriend" treatment. For him to be sweet, care about you, call you etc. While putting him in a "friendzone" and kiss him every now and then. Your expectations were not in line with the other line you put between you two that represented how far he can go. Was he suppose to wait until you made up your mind about the relationship? What if it never happens? What if you find another guy in meantime? Or to respect the line you put between you two and act accordingly? What I am trying to say is, that if you want casual relationship you shouldnt expect him to care that much about you. That is why its "casual", not an actual relationship.

Okay I know I did mess up somewhere but let me get something straight I did makeup my mind about the relationship all along and I was very vocal about that. I did make it clear that I didn’t want casual. I did tell him that I wanted him: I did tell him I wanted to try to fix things and talk about things and our differences. I was the only one trying to fix things while he tried to completely avoid fixing anything just because he didn’t want to talk about the hard stuff. And why do you keep saying it’s about attention? I did fall for him you know, even here when I’m looking for answers I can’t even say anything that would strangers online think bad about him. I want him not his attention or the attention. Attention is very easy to find you know. Also, I wasn’t just expecting full girlfriend treatment I wanted him not to be cold to me and just give me time. I do have anger issues thus the making crazy decisions but I’m working on it, and I am a kind person. I was good to him even though he refused to support me in the time I needed him the most. He was more concerned about why we didn’t meet up when I tell him I can’t get out of bed because I wasn’t feeling well??

Idk I just felt like you shouldn’t forget these things. I do understand your points though. I know that I have a lot to work on 

[Nasnas]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How about you say this to him?

Instead of getting upset because he respected your wishes?  And expecting him to chase you?

Also, don't expect someone to wait around while you "figure things out".  That's disrespectful of his time.

You can't make relationships all about you and what you want.  He is a human being with feelings just like you.  Try to remember that next time you think about playing ping pong with someone's emotions.

You're young, this is a good life lesson.  I think since you're open to feedback you'll do better going forward.

That is so hard. I feel like it’s too late for that.. 

“You can't make relationships all about you and what you want”.. I think this is it, that’s what I was looking for. 
 

That’s something I will work on too. Thank you! Have a blessed Sunday 

[Nasnas]

55 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Before you even consider this, you need to be ready to be in a relationship. You need to be happy as a single person, independent, have a good self esteem, and be respectful of your boundaries and needs.

As you date someone, you keep track of red flags, compatibilities and incompatibilities, and stop when needed. If you are in a relationship, you communicate mutually your needs and don't let problems be swept under the rug. The list can go on and on, but you need to realize that some things can be worked on and some things not; That will come with experience and a good self esteem.

Phew I have a long way to go and a lot to learn. 
 

thank you so much 🤍

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Nasnas said:

Okay I know I did mess up somewhere but let me get something straight I did makeup my mind about the relationship all along and I was very vocal about that. I did make it clear that I didn’t want casual. I did tell him that I wanted him

And yet you put him in the friendzone. Do you even see how your actions dont match your words?

2 hours ago, Nasnas said:

I did tell him I wanted to try to fix things and talk about things and our differences. I was the only one trying to fix things while he tried to completely avoid fixing anything just because he didn’t want to talk about the hard stuff

So you were trying to "fix him" and then go into relationship with him? That doesnt work for relationship unless other person wants to change. And you werent even in a relationship. So you basically told him "If you do this I will be with you". 

2 hours ago, Nasnas said:

And why do you keep saying it’s about attention? I did fall for him you know, even here when I’m looking for answers I can’t even say anything that would strangers online think bad about him. I want him not his attention or the attention. Attention is very easy to find you know.

Attention from some random guy, yes. Attention from the guy you like, no. And hence we go to the crux of the problem, you wanted and still do his attention. And yet you refuse to be in a relationship with him and give him anything of substance aside of random make outs unless:

a) he changes to suit your needs

b) he gives you his undivided attention no matter what you do to him, even putting him in friendzone

Do you see how any self-respected guy would just stop giving you that attention in this situation?

2 hours ago, Nasnas said:

Also, I wasn’t just expecting full girlfriend treatment I wanted him not to be cold to me and just give me time. I do have anger issues thus the making crazy decisions but I’m working on it, and I am a kind person. 

Well, as INFJ you can be compassionate and helper so I do believe you are a kind person. Just think that you fully expected that girlfriend treatment in this situation. For him to call you and check on you until you were ready to be with him. Trouble is, even though you are kind, you are not really emphatic here. He wanted to be with you. Hence why he was sweet, initiated phone calls, call on dates etc. After you wanted to change him, didnt wanted to be with him unless he does change, he became cold. And I am sorry, I know its maybe not something you would understand and it would maybe sound cold, but you cant expect random people(because that is what he ultimately is) to care for you. He was not your friend, he wanted something more. And he wasnt something more because you refused him. So he backed off and became "casual". Somebody to hear every now and then and maybe make up.

3 hours ago, Nasnas said:

I was good to him even though he refused to support me in the time I needed him the most. He was more concerned about why we didn’t meet up when I tell him I can’t get out of bed because I wasn’t feeling well??

Again, casual. Family, friends, SO. That is who will care for you. He was neither of the three. He wanted to be SO and you wanted friends until you are ready to be SO, but he was neither. Just some casual that you maybe kiss every now and then. 

I am not absolving him off all the guilt, it takes two to tango. Again, this relationship was doomed to fail anyway because ultimately you are different and even you see that. I am not saying that he maybe shouldnt be more compassionate because he should, especially if he wanted more. Just saying that your expectations and actions dont match. You fully expected this person to care for you on some deeper level. While putting him in the friendzone and maybe make out every now and then. Which is, again, casual. So now when he acts in that way(specific way you requested by your own actions), you miss his attention. That he gave you because he wanted more. You are in perpetual circle. If he gave you that attention you would still refuse him. But then he would not call you because you refused him and you would miss him. You need to understand that he is not obligated to orbit around you. And that you should either let him go completely or that if you want him and his attention just be with him. You want the middle, but I am sorry, its not realistic. As INFJ you should at least figure that out.

[Nasnas]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

And yet you put him in the friendzone. Do you even see how your actions dont match your words?

So you were trying to "fix him" and then go into relationship with him? That doesnt work for relationship unless other person wants to change. And you werent even in a relationship. So you basically told him "If you do this I will be with you". 

Attention from some random guy, yes. Attention from the guy you like, no. And hence we go to the crux of the problem, you wanted and still do his attention. And yet you refuse to be in a relationship with him and give him anything of substance aside of random make outs unless:

a) he changes to suit your needs

b) he gives you his undivided attention no matter what you do to him, even putting him in friendzone

Do you see how any self-respected guy would just stop giving you that attention in this situation?

Well, as INFJ you can be compassionate and helper so I do believe you are a kind person. Just think that you fully expected that girlfriend treatment in this situation. For him to call you and check on you until you were ready to be with him. Trouble is, even though you are kind, you are not really emphatic here. He wanted to be with you. Hence why he was sweet, initiated phone calls, call on dates etc. After you wanted to change him, didnt wanted to be with him unless he does change, he became cold. And I am sorry, I know its maybe not something you would understand and it would maybe sound cold, but you cant expect random people(because that is what he ultimately is) to care for you. He was not your friend, he wanted something more. And he wasnt something more because you refused him. So he backed off and became "casual". Somebody to hear every now and then and maybe make up.

Again, casual. Family, friends, SO. That is who will care for you. He was neither of the three. He wanted to be SO and you wanted friends until you are ready to be SO, but he was neither. Just some casual that you maybe kiss every now and then. 

I am not absolving him off all the guilt, it takes two to tango. Again, this relationship was doomed to fail anyway because ultimately you are different and even you see that. I am not saying that he maybe shouldnt be more compassionate because he should, especially if he wanted more. Just saying that your expectations and actions dont match. You fully expected this person to care for you on some deeper level. While putting him in the friendzone and maybe make out every now and then. Which is, again, casual. So now when he acts in that way(specific way you requested by your own actions), you miss his attention. That he gave you because he wanted more. You are in perpetual circle. If he gave you that attention you would still refuse him. But then he would not call you because you refused him and you would miss him. You need to understand that he is not obligated to orbit around you. And that you should either let him go completely or that if you want him and his attention just be with him. You want the middle, but I am sorry, its not realistic. As INFJ you should at least figure that out.

By fix things I mean maybe figure out something middle and just talk about the issues. And we didn’t just make out it was not like that. I genuinely cared about him, we did spend time together, talk and all of the ‘substance’..
 

I do see how my actions don’t match my words though. It was probably so confusing for him and hurtful :(( Thank you for pointing this out, you’re absolutely right. I’ll do better next time. 
 

You’ve made me realize that I was just confused myself because I wanted a man so bad who was so incompatible. I hurt him and hurt myself, unfortunately.

I will let him go completely and I have but I just wanted to know where I messed up. I wish I could apologize or something but it’s just too late..

Thanks! Have a blessed Sunday 

Edited October 10, 2021 by Nasnas

[MissCanuck]

You two are dysfunctional together. 

When it's this hard to maintain a "friendship", you need to cut ties and move on. This is not and never was a good match. 

[smackie9]

I agree no one should have to struggle so much to keep it together. It means it's not meant to be and it's time to let go.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry this is so painful. Give yourself more time and reconnect with friends and family. Don't contact him. There is nothing left to say and things are still fairly acrid and fresh. Leave it for awhile and return to your other obligations or commitments. Stay on track with school and enlist the help of academic advisors or check out if there are oncampus counselling services. They are usually free being a student. 

This didn't work out for its own reasons so leave it and tend to things that are within your ability and do well. This might not have worked out but other things can and you'll meet new people eventually.