Channy

[Ginge97]

I have been with my fiancé for nearly 3 years now. Lately, I can't help but feel worthless.  My fiancé works 6 days a week and I work 4. I cook, clean, walk our dog, go to the shop on his say so when he wants something, run his bath, wash his laundry, make him coffee when he gets in or on his say so. When he does finish work he's glued to his phone. I'm watching my friends have candles around their bath, flowers and just anything cute off their fellas and I found myself bursting in tears asking myself, why doesn't he do that for me anymore? Am I not worth it? I give and give and I can't remember the last time I got something back. Just something to say thanks. Just something to say, I appreciate you. Writing this is making me cry too!! When I try and bring this up I get the same response EVERY TIME "I work 6 days a week, I'm tired". Which I fully understand and that's why I try and do everything but at what point is it enough? Am I being selfish? Advice please, I do love him but I can't be with someone who is now making me question my worth. 

[Kwothe28]

Some people in relationships get lazy and complacent over time. In your relationship dynamic, you let him do nothing while you play housekeeper. And now you feel less worthy because he doesnt appreciate what you do for him. So change that dynamic. You are not obligated to do that stuff for him. Tell him that no matter if he is tired or not he needs to pull his weight and do stuff around house and dont play his housekeeper or his mom anymore. Pretty sure that after he starts doing those stuff himself, he will start to appreciate your effort more. Like this, he thinks its your duty to do that. That is not good and ofcourse you are feeling underappreciated.

[melancholy123]

You teach people how to treat you.  You've taught him that you will do everything for him and so you get nothing in return because he doesn't have to do anything.

Back off on the things you do, lie running his bth, that's crazy.  A grown man can fill a bathtub himself or he can take a shower.  Yes I get he's tired at the end of the day but he needs to contribute something.

If you really cant handle this lopsided relationship you may need to leave it and find someone who will treat you better.  He really is taking advantage of you, because you let him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ginge97 said:

I have been with my fiancé for nearly 3 years now. I cook, clean, walk our dog, go to the shop on his say so when he wants something, run his bath, wash his laundry, make him coffee when he gets in or on his say so. When I try and bring this up I get the same response EVERY TIME "I work 6 days a week, I'm tired". 

Stop acting like a slave, housekeeper, mommy and doormat. He does not respect you for that.

He's busy working, having fun, enjoying life and you're acting like a martyr crying to yourself. Just stop.

 Instead, let him do all this things for himself. Get a side hustle, join some clubs and groups, get involved in sports, volunteering, spend more time with family and friends.

Most of all, start looking for places to live where you're not a martyr, slave and treated like crap for it.

Move out as soon as you find something. Your wasting your life away on someone who you act like a slave for.

Next time, Do Not Mother or act like a servant.

 

[Lambert]

The other thing you need to consider is: do you want a life where all your partner does is work?  there's no time or energy for the good things in life?

Is a 6 day work week his normal?  Why?  Does he have a lot of debt or a low paying job?  Does he plan to just work until he dies?

You are just engaged.  Marrying this guy, as is, will not improve the situation.  If anything, you can bet your life-- it will get worse.

A partner that responds in anger or with excuses, is not really a partner.  They are living for them based on what they decided.  Which is what a single person does.

He is able to work 6 days because you do all the chores.  Most people can't work that much because they do need to run errands, do laundry, etc.  It just would not be sustainable long term... especially if they didn't have a partner.  

So you really need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start putting yourself first.  I personally would not tolerate this not one bit.  I would start looking around to how I could leave. Let him come home to an empty bath. Don't give him the chance to manipulate you.  People will say whatever to get you to keep doing what you are doing.  

You'll see his true colors when you quietly get your own place and move out one day.  

The only real solution to relationship problems is to be willing and able to walk if the other person is not putting in the same effort.  

I feel like in this day and age, moving in is to many people, the next step in the prgression to marriage.  but I think that old saying why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, is about more than just sex.

You sold yourself short-- doing all these things, while he does nothing in return.  And I don't mean just the marriage license.  Are you that desperate to have a man?  So you can compete with your girlfriends?  

This guy is not going to be giving you flowers and candy.  He wants coffee and a bath.  So don't bother him with your needs.  

[DancingFool]

Relationships are all about reciprocation. So if you give and give and get nothing in return, stop giving. It's really that simple.

You are not behaving like a partner but rather acting like a domestic servant slave. He goes to work, well so do you. If he can't manage to take care of his business at home in terms of being present in the relationship, doing chores, taking care of himself, etc. then it's on him to rethink what he is doing with his life and figure out a better balance. Right now, he has a relationship with his job and not you.

Being that you are so subservient to him, I wonder if you have actually spoken up that you are not happy with the relationship and how things are and that if something doesn't change, you'll leave him. He needs to know that and hear that straight up from you. He can't and won't fix anything so long as you keep prostrating yourself at his feet and crying somewhere in the corner where he can't see what's going on with you. This is not a conversation about why he doesn't romance you, but rather a much more serious conversation that this lifestyle you two are leading is not sustainable and something has to give.

If you have actually spoken up and have been crystal clear that the relationship is on the rocks and you've had enough, then get your finances in order and leave him. If you need to get a better full time job, do it. Basically, do what you need to do so you can get out of this and take away a lesson - don't keep giving and giving to someone who doesn't give back.

[smackie9]

My husband works more than that and he still can do his own laundry, feed himself, cut the lawn, repair the vehicles, feed the cat, sit and talk over dinner or cocktails....still can stop by the beer store for me or whatever I need, etc.

Your fiance is lazy butt head. This is why we date, to see what they will be like for a lifetime. What you see is what you get. Give the ring back, and pack your bags.

[Rose Mosse]

The point that Lambert made about his working six days a week is something to think about. Perhaps it's a giant elephant in the room that neither of you want to address - why is he working so much in the first place? Do you need the money? Is he married to his work? Is he needed there or required to be there? Are you even sure he's working those six days or is he doing something else in that time? Do you see a future with someone who is gone most of the time? Or, do you look forward to him out of the house because he is so lazy that he can't clean up after himself or find energy to appreciate you? (Out of sight out of mind, until he re-enters the picture again or comes home). Has he told you explicitly that this is what he wants out of a relationship? 

I'd be worried that he asked you to marry him out of obligation rather than any real interest in being married to you.

Figure out what your role is in this relationship quickly before you get married and whether he's really looking at you, wanting to be with you or excited to spend the rest of his life with you. It will amplify, whatever is happening now, once kids are in the picture and once you are married.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, his expectations are pushing it now.

Sure, you can shop & clean, but run his bath?  He can do his own bath, as can you. ( I dont see him fixing you a nice bath with candles, I feel that's passed now 😕 .  Honeymoon phase is done?).

If he wants something, he can run shop on his own.. and make his own coffee.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

Maybe arrange you two walk the dog together sometimes, or he do it one day on his own.

My son works 6 days a week as well, he is able to come home & get himself a drink.  No need for me to do that! And he walks the dog when he's got some energy.

 

It's called compromise and you have the right to speak up .

[lostandhurt]

Is he digging ditches by hand six days a week 12 hours a day?  He isn't tired, he is lazy and I just don't mean lazy physically I mean lazy emotionally and romantically.

If the roles were reversed I wonder how much laundry and shopping he would be doing?  I think you know he would still want you to do all the things you are doing plus six days a week work.

 It is all to easy to type out "He isn't the guy for you so leave him" as a stranger because we are not in love and engaged to him.  But it is smart to see that you are so upset over this you came here for advice.  If you are bursting into tears just thinking about the situation it is safe to say you have about reached the  end of your rope with all this.  That doesn't mean you are ready to dump him and move out I am sure but you do need to see the man you are marrying doesn't view you as an equal and cares more about himself and his wants and needs than yours.  Perhaps his mommy dotted over him and he expects his woman to be part wife part slave.  

Ultimately this cannot continue and you shouldn't have to teach him how to be at least a decent partner in the relationship.  You have talked to him and he has dismissed you and even put you down.   That doesn't sound like a person that is interested in change does it?

  Before giving up and becoming so bitter why don't you try one more time just you know you gave it your all before ending the engagement.  Men can be dense and not see how important something is to their partner until you really get their attention.  What if you sat him down and calmly told him "_______ I don't see how this relationship can survive like we have been going.  I do everything around the house and for you and you never lift a finger to help.  You expect me to wait on you hand and foot like I am your servant instead of the woman you love and want to marry"  

  Remember you only work 2 days less than he does so don't take any excuses and see what he says. If it is the same ole same ole then just say "Okay if that is how you feel about it I will need to think about this and decide what I am going to do"  Then drop it and do just that.

  I think you know how this will end but you don't want to accept it just yet.  We don't have any magical words to get him to be a solid partner that appreciates you, it has to be his choice to see the light and change.  Anything else would not be genuine or lasting.

Relationships are not meant to be like this

Lost

[Batya33]

My husband works every day.  So did I when I worked full time. Because that’s what our chosen careers and fields required if you wanted to be at a certain level.  I did and he still does. I work part time because I also have our son and take care of him.

 It’s more than fine to work hard. But the couple has to be happy with the division of labor and responsibilities.  You’re not.  So calmly tell him what would seem fair to you.

 Also tell him that from time to time things may come up where there’s again an imbalance. And it’s essential that he be open to talking about it and resolving it. And he should tell you if he feels any imbalance.  

Ask yourself if you like this subservient role.  Do you like the sort of female male dynamic of it ?  Would you be turned off if he insisted on doing the laundry and making the beds?  Why are you working part time?  How about you work full time and outsource part or more of the cleaning and cooking responsibilities?

[Andrina]

He has the energy to scroll on his phone. He'd have the energy to caress your hair while you two watch t.v. and and would have the energy to poke around on his phone to order you flowers or a gift you'd like. 

You communicated your wishes more than once. It was a reasonable request. A partner who cares would want to please you and your happiness would be a priority for him.

I wouldn't even try any more with him. Yes, you deserve better. 

[catfeeder]

On 10/8/2021 at 9:50 AM, Kwothe28 said:

You are not obligated to do that stuff for him. Tell him that no matter if he is tired or not he needs to pull his weight and do stuff around house

I agree with the first part of this, and while I like the spirit of the second part, I would not 'parent' another adult by telling him what he must do around the house.

Instead, I'd tell him that I adore him, but I feel taken for granted, and so I'm going on strike. If I lived alone, I'd need to clean anyway, so since I want a clean place, I'll continue doing that--but unless he wants to negotiate some deals that make me happy, he can start doing his own laundry, meals, shopping and anything else to take care of his own personal needs.

Then boom! Let the chips fall.

If the guy wants to step up and bribe with some fair trades that meet YOUR needs, let him do that. If not, use the free time you're not using to cater to him on your OWN social life, self development, night school, career goals--or anything that will make you feel valuable to YOUR SELF.