I don't know what to do!!!

[Charmi]

So me and my boyfriend we had 6 months long distance relationship and before that we couldn't spend much time together. The major reason for not being able to spend much time together was because my parents don't know about our relationship as they're super strict about me getting into this relationship. So, hiding it from them was the best possible thing I could have done and because of that I was always scared meeting him near my place or my town. Even if we did, we could barely get some time, we couldn't even kiss or hug properly. So every time even though he knew that I'm always scared and can't really be in the moment, he'd travel all the way and then expect me to go somewhere in some isolated place (which I don't like because my place is full of weird people or I'd say more like creepy). Then he'd simply get upset or get mad at me, not talk to me because I didn't listen him by not going to that place or I didn't stay for much longer.

So recently, he travelled all the way and came here at my place without even asking if I was ok to meet him everyday. He'd simply say I'm coming everyday and you get some excuse to meet me. Then I almost get an anxiety attack because my parents have lived here for almost 20 years and people here know me very well. Now it's like one hour we'd be fighting because there is not place to chill, then he'd be super upset saying I came all the way to see you and it's your responsibility to find a place and keep us safe! I literally can't meet him here I wanted to wait until all there's no lockdown. But he's fighting with me like everyday to see me. 

I am just not happy to see him everyday because of my house restrictions. Do y'all think that I am being selfish here? Or he should be understanding my situations here? I literally feel suffocating think about him and also the restrictions I've been put in. I can't talk to my parents about it because for now they'll not understand about this situation because they're expecting me to focus on my career right now.

Please help me out!!!

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Charmi said:

The major reason for not being able to spend much time together was because my parents don't know about our relationship as they're super strict about me getting into this relationship. So, hiding it from them was the best possible thing I could have done and because of that I was always scared meeting him near my place or my town.

Why do this to yourself and to him? Either date men your parents approve of or have selected for your arranged marriage or stand up for yourself and this man.

But sneaking around and treating him like a dirty secret is not good for you, him or your relationship.

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Charmi said:

Or he should be understanding my situations here?

The best option is for him to recognize that he can't force you to do anything, and end this respectfully. This is never going to work. 

The parametres of your relationship are not realistic, and no relationship can function like this. You can't date someone when your freedom is so limited, and expect them to stick around. Nobody wants to be a secret and have a girlfriend who lives in such fear of her family. 

Unless and until you get out from under your parents' thumb, dating is going to be nearly impossible. 

[SooSad33]

There's too much pressure & stress on you.

This isn't working well, is it? 😕 

You two will not work out, sadly.  His 'expectations' with you, when you clearly can't do it! 

For your own mentality, it best to be straight up with him and say enough.  You two are not compatible.

He is at a distance and you can't see him properly - as a couple should.

So, be honest.  That you do like him, but this isn't working for you.

Consider dating someone closer and when you CAN actually be fully involved.

 

[melancholy123]

This is not going to work.   You anent selfish, he is, making you do what you know is wrong.

Find a guy your parents approve of.

[boltnrun]

You've posted 4 threads about this boyfriend. You've received some excellent advice (which apparently you have been ignoring).

This relationship is not going to work. You two have too many conflicts, fight too much, plus you live with your parents who apparently have no idea you're dating.

Why do you persist in trying to force this to work? "But I LOVE him!!!!!" isn't going to solve your issues. So why do you keep trying?

[Capricorn3]

OP, I am not sure why you need to keep starting new threads asking about the same things over and over?  All your threads are about the same situation.  You get good advice (to which you never respond) but you don't really seem to read anything, because not long after, you come back again with the same thing.  What's the point?  Sincere question.

What exactly are you looking for if you have no intention of leaving a bad situation?  You either end this toxic "relationship", or you stay.  But if you choose to stay, then you can't keep complaining about it and always saying "I don't know what to do!!!"

You have choices.  So far your choice has been to stay with him.  Only YOU can change that.

 

[Bothered2021]

I think you are both selfish. You for making him go through all this hassle. Don’t date unless it’s someone you don’t have to hide or unless you have the guts to stand up to your parents. And he’s almost as bad going along with this inconvenient, stressful arrangement and then getting upset when it doesn’t work out the way he wanted. 
When you do hang out you fight over how hard it is to hang out. Doesn’t seem worth it in my opinion 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Charmi said:

. Do y'all think that I am being selfish here? Or he should be understanding my situations here?

It's not about 'should,' it's about what IS.

You're either not old enough to openly date, or you're not mature enough to have established the right for that with your parents--OR, you're not old or mature enough to move out on your own.

So, no matter how you slice this, it's not 'good' for ANYone.

I'd skip it, tell BF to go home or do whatever else he wants to do, but you're done and this is over.

You'll thank yourself later.

The minute secrecy enters a relationship, it's a fail. 

[Rose Mosse]

14 hours ago, Charmi said:

So me and my boyfriend we had 6 months long distance relationship and before that we couldn't spend much time together. The major reason for not being able to spend much time together was because my parents don't know about our relationship as they're super strict about me getting into this relationship. So, hiding it from them was the best possible thing I could have done and because of that I was always scared meeting him near my place or my town. Even if we did, we could barely get some time, we couldn't even kiss or hug properly. So every time even though he knew that I'm always scared and can't really be in the moment, he'd travel all the way and then expect me to go somewhere in some isolated place (which I don't like because my place is full of weird people or I'd say more like creepy). Then he'd simply get upset or get mad at me, not talk to me because I didn't listen him by not going to that place or I didn't stay for much longer.

So recently, he travelled all the way and came here at my place without even asking if I was ok to meet him everyday. He'd simply say I'm coming everyday and you get some excuse to meet me. Then I almost get an anxiety attack because my parents have lived here for almost 20 years and people here know me very well. Now it's like one hour we'd be fighting because there is not place to chill, then he'd be super upset saying I came all the way to see you and it's your responsibility to find a place and keep us safe! I literally can't meet him here I wanted to wait until all there's no lockdown. But he's fighting with me like everyday to see me. 

I am just not happy to see him everyday because of my house restrictions. Do y'all think that I am being selfish here? Or he should be understanding my situations here? I literally feel suffocating think about him and also the restrictions I've been put in. I can't talk to my parents about it because for now they'll not understand about this situation because they're expecting me to focus on my career right now.

Please help me out!!!

He's a total creep and sickeningly abusive. Some of the things you listed above makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand. A man who cares about you in the first place would never pressure you to meet with him in dark corners or alleyways in secret whether it's in your means or not to "find a place". He wouldn't bicker or fight about it or spring it on you that he's just going to show up. He sounds controlling. 

If your family or parents don't approve of him, heed their warnings. You can focus on your career and also meet men/dates who are in your similar field of study or similar interest or hobby groups eventually.

You have your life to live out infront of you. Don't waste it on some guy who wants to meet you "everyday" even when neither of you are comfortable.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Charmi said:

 my parents don't know about our relationship as they're super strict about me getting into this relationship. 

Stop disobeying your parents then acting like a drama queen by meeting up with some creep you claim abuses you.

Study and watch TV instead if you want romance dramas.

 

Is this the same man:

 

[Charmi]

Thankyou y'all for your responses, but I've tried breaking up with this man for the third time now, everytime he literally begged me to stay. Now the things he has done for me throughout this relationship is commendable, I cannot deny the fact what good things he has done for me. But then comes the sad or bad part where he does things from and he's expecting the same from my side. I've been reading all your suggestions and trying to analyse them all as you know it's not easy for anyone to simply end this. But yes this time, I gotta be more firm regarding my decision and stand up for myself. My parents are never gonna approve this relationship so yes I have to do this.

On 8/3/2021 at 11:34 PM, boltnrun said:

You've posted 4 threads about this boyfriend. You've received some excellent advice (which apparently you have been ignoring).

This relationship is not going to work. You two have too many conflicts, fight too much, plus you live with your parents who apparently have no idea you're dating.

Why do you persist in trying to force this to work? "But I LOVE him!!!!!" isn't going to solve your issues. So why do you keep trying?

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Charmi said:

 I've tried breaking up with this man for the third time now, everytime he literally begged me to stay. 

Sorry, but that's nonsense.

You seem to crave drama.

Sneaking around with some forbidden guy to defy your parents.

Claiming he's abusive, you're a victim,etc.

Making up stories about not being able to break up.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Charmi said:

I've tried breaking up with this man for the third time now, everytime he literally begged me to stay

Then it's on you for continuing to go back. 

But you really have no choice but to end this now, if you know your parents will never approve and their approval something you value. 

[boltnrun]

Tell your parents. That will end it really quickly.

[Bothered2021]

4 hours ago, Charmi said:

Thankyou y'all for your responses, but I've tried breaking up with this man for the third time now, everytime he literally begged me to stay. Now the things he has done for me throughout this relationship is commendable, I cannot deny the fact what good things he has done for me. But then comes the sad or bad part where he does things from and he's expecting the same from my side. I've been reading all your suggestions and trying to analyse them all as you know it's not easy for anyone to simply end this. But yes this time, I gotta be more firm regarding my decision and stand up for myself. My parents are never gonna approve this relationship so yes I have to do this.

 

This makes no sense. You have “tried” breaking up with him but he begs you to stay. Ok, say “no I’m done”. Block any form of contact and then don’t meet him places ever again. Problem solved. If what you mean is you don’t actually want to break up so you stay when he begs, say that. Stop blaming everything on him when you are just as much the problem here. Like someone else said, tell your parents. I really hope you aren’t playing victim here and making him sound terrible to make yourself sound better. If you keep playing this game, it’s nobody’s fault but your own 

[Capricorn3]

23 hours ago, Charmi said:

 but I've tried breaking up with this man for the third time now, everytime he literally begged me to stay. 

My parents are never gonna approve this relationship so yes I have to do this.

 

Just because he begs you to stay doesn't mean that you have to stay. You have choices but you always choose to stay. That's not his fault. 

If you already know your parents will never approve of this relationship then that should already be enough incentive to end it.  As you have noticed, this relationship really isn't going anywhere. 

[smackie9]

How old are you? and if you are an adult, why are you still living with your parents?

[Charmi]

Yes I am an adult and in India, we're supposed to stay with our parents until our graduation. And I'm in my third year so I am still under their roof, even if we wish to move out, our parents are not as liberal as you guys do. And we cannot simply move out ignoring their opinions. Secondly, my parents won't approve this relationship not because he's a bad guy or not because he's not taking proper care of him. In India, intercaste marriages are not allowed and that is the only reason we're not allowed to be in a relationship. Even if I am independent, we are not supposed to fall in love with a guy and get married to that dude. Only arranged marriages are possible in this country, especially for the middle class single daughter family. So please you guys stop blaming someone without knowing the entire story. If I'm coming here talking about my issues, I'm seeking for help and that is happening only because I don't have friends who's great at opinions, neither my family are gonna support for my relationship. But I love this guy, I don't want to break up with up because I love him. We have issues, and I need a solution not a definitive answer for why I should be breaking up with him. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Charmi said:

Only arranged marriages are possible in this country, especially for the middle class single daughter family. 

Only you and your family can resolve this including your arranged marriage and hoping you can be with this guy instead.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Charmi said:

But I love this guy, I don't want to break up with up because I love him.

But you said you keep trying to break up with him. You literally said so yourself. So why wouldn't we think you want advice on how to break up with him??