Pressured/ Guilted into having sex

[den_3ero]

Dear all, 

I'd like to thank you for being "here" for me in my last post. I'm happy to announce that I broke up with my ex boyfriend, officially, after some more days of him being extremely cold. He took all the blame for what happened between us, he didn't want to break up & he wants to reunite with me after the summer - to which I replied that we shouldn't hold on to any promises coz life is out there, ready to be lived to the fullest. The breakup was amicable and cordial. 

But, this last experience and your comments about how he was manipulative and only in it for the sex, made me realize that, I am one to let my guard down easily. I haven't had many experiences in the past and I don't to create a pattern here, where, a dude just makes me feel guilty for not being ready. Sexual manipulation was something I experience last year also, with a brief 2 week fling, where I gave in sooner than what I wanted, simply because he made me feel less than other more "fun" girls. The day after he had what he came for, he broke up with me... 

Now, on Thursday, I am starting therapy, not for my OCD this time, but to get some help regarding boundaries and get rid of unhealthy dating patterns. All that being said, I want your opinion. What are the phrases/signs/actions a  man will exhibit to guilt you/ pressure you into having ex earlier? 

Phrases my ex said:

- (3rd date) I really want us to get on with it. When do you think you'll be ready?

- If we are not compatible, I'm not going to stick around.

- I'm going to wait but no more than 2 months. How do I know you are not playing me around and then you disappear?

- You are the only girl I've ever met that makes such a big deal out of sex. You should be more open minded. I'm disappointed.

- (After I declined to do oral) See, you are getting me back to square one. This is going to be damaging to our relationship.

- (After I told him I don't like this distance between us) If only we had had sex, all our problem would have been sovled.

- What is best for you, have sex & then break up or break up before having sex? (ON EVERY SINGLE DATE FOR HOURS)

- You are putting to much pressure on me by thinking sex is so important to you/ by keeping me wait. 

- (After he kept kissing & thrusting on me when I said I feel uncomfortable) You make me feel so distant and cold by telling me to wait till you are ready. I am okay with waiting but you don't have to tell me about it.

- The suspense of not knowing how well you do in bed is killing me and it might drive me away from you. 

- (When I started voicing my concerns about him not moving on from his ex) You need to let go of your inhibitions and let me make love to you. 

- If I only wanted sex, would I stay with you for so long? (on the 9th day we were together).

- All of my friends would laugh and think you are just crazy for wanting to wait.

And many more I can't think of right now. Mind you, I told him that for me to engage in sex, I have to feel ready and that this could take more or less on month, because he specifically asked for a time frame. Then he went on to complain about me giving him one! I tried to reason with him by saying it could be more or less, I do not know beforehand when I'm going to be ready. He wouldn't have any of it. He would always ask if he should stop when making out, because he felt he was pushing me and after me saying, yeah, let's stop I don't feel comfortable, he would stop for 2 seconds before jumping on me doing more than before. Even if I was pushing him away with my hands.

Now, I'm not a conservative person. I like sex, I love sex. I try new things, I want a partener that is willing to explore and spice things up. I may not have much experience but when I am in a relationship, I always try to educate myself sexually, in order to have a great sex life. Even before having sex for the first time with a new bf, I do not mind making out like crazy. I do have a big libido that's why my best friend calls me "man-girl" sometimes. But this time, I wanted to slow things down since the dude was talking marriage and kids on the 1rst date and I could see he was rushing the whole relationship for no reason. Imaging meeting the parents on date no.4. I think my intuition sensed something and I became guarded. 

Other things he would do:

- ask me what I do in bed, my likes & dislikes

- 50% of our time together was him talking about sex

- ask me if I would like to have a threesome

- making up sexual nicknames out of my name, one having the word fck in it & even though I told him that this was disrespectful he went on will laughing his a$$ out.

- ask me what I did in bed with my ex.

- ask me if he could not use protection with me & insisting I should let him (NOT A F*CKING CHANCE DUDE) 

 

I would really like your input on this.  I want to protect myself and my heart from those kinds of situations.

Am I right to think he was pressuring me into giving in too soon?

Thank you ❤️

 

[Wiseman2]

Ok. Talk to your therapist about using sex to hang on to a guy rather than walking away when it's clear they want hookups rather than a relationship.

If you want a BF, exclusive dating and a relationship, you'll have to be patient and not expect to build a relationship out of hookups.

 

[Jibralta]

I think you're really sharp for recognizing that you got caught in this situation. Bottom line is, if you felt pressured, you felt pressured. You are the only person who can tell you how you feel. And you are the last line of defense where honoring and protecting your feelings is concerned. So, listen to your feelings!

You've come up with a great list of phrases, but you'll never identify all of the possible things that someone can say or do to manipulate you. Every person is unique and therefore every relationship is unique. The best thing you can do is learn to recognize behavior patterns. For example, someone who sexualizes you (or other people) in a disrespectful way and then laughs his ass off when you protest is a full-on douchebag to be avoided--no matter how charming or attractive he may be.

[Batya33]

A list is irrelevant.  It's all about your values and standards and goals because what feels like pressure to one person might come across as just a reasonable persistence to another. Also depends on the couple -some couples like being "pressured" in a role play kind of way - so their boundaries are different.  When I was dating I never had casual sex. 

If a man brought up sexual topics early on I saw it as a red flag. Other women enjoy and get turned on by that.  I didn't feel pressured just that his values and respect for me didn't gibe with my expectations and standards.  I was direct and simple and clear -if the guy asked -that I didn't have casual sex, that if we were alone at one of our places it didn't mean I was there to have sex and I wouldn't (I would say this in advance, simply and matter of factly, not in the moment).  If a man kept asking me when I'd be ready if I'd already told him, we probably weren't a good match.

You can only control you.  Get clear on your values and standards about sex and act consistently with those values and standards.

 

[boltnrun]

Remember you don't "owe" anyone sex. Sex is not a currency to be used to "pay" for introductions to family, saying "I love you" or "I want to marry you", flowers, gifts or nice dinners out.

[lostandhurt]

What were his good qualities that kept you hanging around this D-bag so long?

Here is a really short list:

-If you have to be talked into having sex then it is a bad deal.

-If things are getting hot and heavy and you say you aren't ready to go any further yet and he does anything but be understanding it is a bad deal.

There you go just two.

You should want him as much as he wants you, if not then you have nothing but regrets instead of awesome memories.

Lost

 

[Rose Mosse]

Listing could be your OCD talking so go over it with your therapist. It's disappointing to encounter a douchebag, as Jibralta, put it so well. I agree your guards and filter is quite good. You only appear to struggle in completely shutting down any interaction with someone who is disrespectful. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable like that, don't hesitate to end things. That means putting a stop to any interactions, text messages, phone calls and meeting that person. If someone is brash and disrespectful enough to keep disregarding your feelings, that person also doesn't deserve to have anything to do with you. At all.

We may encounter people every day who have terrible intentions and treat others badly. It's your cue to simply deflect and walk away. Try not to internalize, ruminate or be paralyzed in fear. You should be proud of yourself for keeping this person at arm's length and remaining guarded. 

[catfeeder]

There is no way that I'd have a next date with anyone who even slightly suggested that early sex is the only way to keep him around.

Instead, I'd take him up on it. I'd kindly tell him that his warning is well taken, and I'd get away as early as possible to never see him again. No harm, no foul--no trying to 'convert' him into backpedaling on what he has already shown me about his true nature.

If you want to simplify dating, skip the idea of trying to appeal to men, and instead, get mentally clear and solid about what YOU want in a man and in a relationship.

From there, you will never cater to anyone who doesn't align with what YOU want. 

You'll chalk him off as a bad match and move forward to meet the next guy for coffee.

Once you can grasp that most people are NOT a good match, then you'll approach dating like trying to find the needle in the haystack--and you'll be okay with that.

You'll allow bad matches to pass early. No trying to 'win' them.

Even as you meet one guy after another who is crude or rude or manipulative, you'll accept those odds as natural and you'll simply next them to keep moving forward to find the ONE guy who brings you true simpatico.

Don't settle, and don't believe that you have to.

Head high, and you've done some great work!

 

 

[Honeycomb8]

He's just an arse and you're good to be rid of him. I had an ex that guilted me too and he was a loser. The right guy would be respectful and give it time. 

[HeartGoesOn]

He's one sick puppy.  How old is this clown?