Help, am I going crazy?

[anxiousavatar]

Let me preface this by saying, my boyfriend (40) is wonderful, he takes care of me (25) and we do absolutely everything together, but…

A few months ago a girl at work who is known for being a huge liar was telling my best friend over text that she was sleeping with him without any proof. I was brought to an isolated place to be told this information only to be heart broken. I go home and without any hesitation he tells me he didn’t do it. With me being upset still he spends the whole night he comforting me. He’s sweet and trying to get me to smile, keeps reassuring me he didn’t do anything and everything is okay for days. this girl isn’t even his type either and he never really talked to her. Apparently next day after being told this, she wounds confused over text when my best friend is trying to get clarification from her and says she thinks my best friend is funny.

She later said her abusive boyfriend and who my boyfriend kicked out of his workplace before for causing a disturbance took her phone and was the one texting my best friend. Said best friend calls me later to apologize after making me feel like I had to break up with him. She was basically pressuring me to do so causing me so much stress I basically had a mental break down.

it still affects me to this day. I have nightmares at night over him cheating on me and fear of these dreams has gotten to the point where i just can’t sleep. Am I losing my mind or is this totally normal?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? Why are you worried if they admitted it was nonsense? How is your overall relationship with your BF?

[Batya33]

Either you trust him or you don't.  The story is bizarre.  Also bizarre that you continued the conversation and went to an "isolated place" to have your heart broken.  It sounds like an overly drama filled situation and you chose to react to it by following up and later telling your boyfriend -why? Has he ever lied to you or given you reason not to trust him? And - there's quite a big age gap and you say he takes care of you.  Do you need particular taking care of by a boyfriend?

[anxiousavatar]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? Why are you worried if they admitted it was nonsense? How is your overall relationship with your BF?

We’ve been dating for over half a year. I think the reason this hit me so hard was because i was cheated on so much in the past that I felt gutted at the mere idea someone who has treated me with the upmost respect and would do anything for me would do something like that. My relationship with him is amazing, yeah we have our ups and downs but he always listens to me and he never told me I was crazy for being scared or worried. Though after a hit he did because frazzled because I kept being pressured and got scared. However that’s my fault and we worked it out. I just wonder why does it keep popping up in my dreams?

[Batya33]

Dreams are dreams -I wouldn't overthink it.  If your relationship with him is amazing and he is wonderful why in the world would you even respond to a text claiming that someone slept with your boyfriend? Why put an amazing wonderful person through all of that stress just because people who were not him cheated on you?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, anxiousavatar said:

 i was cheated on so much in the past. I just wonder why does it keep popping up in my dreams?

It seems you answered your own question. It's a new relationship and you are not over your past.

[anxiousavatar]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Either you trust him or you don't.  The story is bizarre.  Also bizarre that you continued the conversation and went to an "isolated place" to have your heart broken.  It sounds like an overly drama filled situation and you chose to react to it by following up and later telling your boyfriend -why? Has he ever lied to you or given you reason not to trust him? And - there's quite a big age gap and you say he takes care of you.  Do you need particular taking care of by a boyfriend?

This isn’t a post about me trusting him or not but what to do about the dreams I’m having. I 100% trust my boyfriend lol. I don’t bring him into anything that I’m feeling dreams wise and it doesn’t effect my relationship at all. My relationship is amazing. I just sometimes get insecure and deal with it myself easily. I’m just asking for advice on what to do with the dreams I have that have to do with my relationship.

By the way, I didn’t put myself in that situation to be in the middle of no where, I was taken without a way home because my friend wanted to hang out. She decided to tell me these things when I didn’t expect anything in the form of a hang out.

Also my friend kept calling me and texting me about it after I quickly brushed it all off and told her to leave it which was the source of the stress and unlike what you seem to be implying(idk?), I don’t NEED to be taken care of, I just like being taken care of by the person I love. Like I like taking care of him. thanks tho.

[anxiousavatar]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Dreams are dreams -I wouldn't overthink it.  If your relationship with him is amazing and he is wonderful why in the world would you even respond to a text claiming that someone slept with your boyfriend? Why put an amazing wonderful person through all of that stress just because people who were not him cheated on you?

Please actually read the post instead of vilifying me by saying I responded to a text as I never said I did. My FRIEND did. Who I told to stop. Thanks for your advice I guess.

[DancingFool]

You are having these persistent dreams because no matter how much you say that you trust your bf, your subconscious disagrees rather strongly. Basically, this is an unsettled issue for you that you haven't really gotten past. It's something you need to get to the bottom of and resolve for yourself so you can truly put it to rest one way or the other.

Basically, if you want to free yourself from these dreams, you will need to dig deeper to confirm or deny what was said about him being a cheater.

[SooSad33]

Right.

It is in your subconcious.  When we dream it's our brain trying to sort things out.. so sounds like it was obviously deeply still embedded in there.

( the raw subconscious material revealed each night in their dreams. ... of failure, stunted communication, or troubled relationship dynamics.)

If there's no worry (which I feel there is, due to your past..), You need to try and just let it go, if it really was nothing.

Relax... have a good time with the bf.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

You are having these persistent dreams because no matter how much you say that you trust your bf, your subconscious disagrees rather strongly. Basically, this is an unsettled issue for you that you haven't really gotten past. It's something you need to get to the bottom of and resolve for yourself so you can truly put it to rest one way or the other.

Basically, if you want to free yourself from these dreams, you will need to dig deeper to confirm or deny what was said about him being a cheater.

Yes.  I agree to an extent.  I do think some people overthink dreams.  But thinking about it differently from the perspective you offer - yes this was a traumatic experience because your friend gossiped to you and shocked you with unsolicited information.  I question what kind of friend she is.
 You can shout all day about how amazing and wonderful he is and claim that my input is off putting or worse but there’s a part of you that doesn’t trust him because you somehow have generalized that because certain men cheated on you he will or all will.  Because if a relationship is healthy it’s a peaceful easy feeling.  Not the stuff of nightmares.  
 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, anxiousavatar said:

Please actually read the post instead of vilifying me by saying I responded to a text as I never said I did. My FRIEND did. Who I told to stop. Thanks for your advice I guess.

I’m not vilifying you.  Your story was tortured with drama and facts. Hard to follow. 

[waffle]

These things generally don't just appear out of no-where with no basis at all, they usually develop.  I'd keep my eyes open.

[MissCanuck]

Your post is rather confusing to follow, OP. 

Why would your best friend pressure you to break up with your boyfriend to the point that you had a breakdown? Who are these people? Does she have an ulterior motive here? This is just strange. 

It sounds to me like you desperately want to believe your boyfriend, but you don't. Not entirely anyway. That's why your dreams torment you so much. You're trying to convince yourself everything is wonderful with him but you evidently don't really believe it yourself. If you did, it wouldn't be causing you this much distress. 

At the end of the day, we can't tell you how to change your dreams. A good counselor could help you unravel your fear and anxiety, though. 

[Rose Mosse]

If you were cheated on this would play a role. Those fears are still present in your relationship and this incident reminds you of the past.

Do you see yourself playing the role of mistrustful gf for an extended period of time? Perhaps the relationship really is not as solid as you think either.

Normal is what you choose for yourself, your daily life, and what you want for yourself repeating itself. 

Give it more time and keep dating but keep your eyes open.. that is during waking hours. Get some good sleep too if you can. Regarding your nightmares and worries, always remember peace of mind is the ultimate goal. Don't let anyone rob you of that and demand more out of life or your partners or whatever situations you are in. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

I would relegate this 'friend' to a work acquaintance and be kind to her on the job, but I'd draw the line at confiding in her with my private business ever again.

The problem is less that she passed the info to you, but rather that she bullied you into behaving as she would wish, and that's not okay.

Head high, and consider seeing a therapist if you can't move past the upset. It's not that the upset isn't valid, but rather, your past is impacting you in ways that aren't in your own best interest to overlook.

[smackie9]

Obviously this was all stirred up from a butt hurt ex employee, or pissed ex employee's GF. I went through something similar from the bad girls I went to school with, but instead they found my BF and told him I was cheating. I was in hell, because he was a jealous abusive BF. It really hurt me that he was upset at ME, when I didn't do anything wrong. so think about that. Your BF got the brunt of your anxiety when he didn't do anything wrong. You should be pissed at your friend for being a total bag, and not minding her own business. I say kick your friend to the curb.

you will get over this. It will take time.