Lost my soulmate/dream women

[Southwest]

 ex-girlfriend dumped me for someone else and it completely ruined me. Its been a year and I'm still struggling she was my dream women in most respects and the night before she left me I had a dream that we would be together till old age. Since then I've just had a lot of rejections and first dates that go nowhere. I can feel myself giving up since I feel like she was the one. I'm in my 30s and in my eyes I don't feel like attractive or bring much to to table. I feel like I have no chance compared to other men with women. On top of that I feel like all the good ones are taken at this point in life.

I guess what iam really asking is how do I not go deeper into depression from all of this and the absolute horrible outlook on my future.

[Batya33]

What do you have going on in your life other than dating?  What do you do to contribute to your own health/brain well being or to others?

[Southwest]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What do you have going on in your life other than dating?  What do you do to contribute to your own health/brain well being or to others?

 I work out I stay active I have a good friend group that I do things with almost on every weekend. I have decent career. Basically I feel I'm doing the right things to feel better. However with each new rejection it just reaffirms in my head I lost the one. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Southwest said:

 ex-girlfriend dumped me. how do I not go deeper into depression

How long were you dating? What was the real reason she left? Were you incompatible?

You need to see a physician about the depression, ruminating, negativity, etc.

Do you think your mental health is the real reason she left?

[Batya33]

Just now, Southwest said:

 I work out I stay active I have a good friend group that I do things with almost on every weekend. I have decent career. Basically I feel I'm doing the right things to feel better. However with each new rejection it just reaffirms in my head I lost the one. 

What do you consider a rejection - simply someone declining to date you ? That’s not a rejection of you as a person.  Right ?

[melancholy123]

Perhaps a visit to a therapist would help you.

[Andrina]

27 minutes ago, Southwest said:

I'm in my 30s and in my eyes I don't feel like attractive or bring much to to table

When you feel like that, you won't be attracting anyone decent. And your mindset is your own worst enemy. You're telling yourself lies, that she was the one, when obviously that is impossible.

It's more rare than not to meet a person who you have chemistry with and with whom you're compatible with in every way.

You have to keep going until you find the person who appreciates you. But if you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

Read articles on how to build your self worth. One book I liked is The Key by Rhonda Byrne to change the spiel I had going on in my head to a more positive one.

It's uncommon to still be hung up on someone after a year. If you're still in communication or check on her social media, definitely stop doing that for closure. Take care.

[Southwest]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? What was the real reason she left? Were you incompatible?

You need to see a physician about the depression, ruminating, negativity, etc.

Do you think your mental health is the real reason she left?

She felt we were incompatible, she said she needed someone that was confident in his abilities.  We were together close to a year. She did a complete 180 on feelings towards me after spending a weekend with her best guy friend.  She said she had been feeling off for a few weeks supposedly. She then begged for us to stay friends and refused to see me as ex.

I've seen a professional in the past and it seems to make things worse.  No I don't think it was my depression that drove her away.

[Southwest]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What do you consider a rejection - simply someone declining to date you ? That’s not a rejection of you as a person.  Right ?

I feel like its rejection when they go on a date with me and then say no there's no spark. 

[Southwest]

19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When you feel like that, you won't be attracting anyone decent. And your mindset is your own worst enemy. You're telling yourself lies, that she was the one, when obviously that is impossible.

It's more rare than not to meet a person who you have chemistry with and with whom you're compatible with in every way.

You have to keep going until you find the person who appreciates you. But if you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

Read articles on how to build your self worth. One book I liked is The Key by Rhonda Byrne to change the spiel I had going on in my head to a more positive one.

It's uncommon to still be hung up on someone after a year. If you're still in communication or check on her social media, definitely stop doing that for closure. Take care.

I'll try your suggestions, and yes it's been very rare to find anyone with chemistry. We had alot between us and then all sudden her feelings changed. 

I stopped looking at her social media right after the break up, however she has continued to look at mine like my photos and go far as comment on some of my posts.

[Southwest]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

Perhaps a visit to a therapist would help you.

In the past therapy has just made my depression worse. 

Also I kind of feel that there's nothing a therapist that can do that will help me. They won't make me more attractive and they won't bring this person back so I feel like it's just going to be a pity talk about how life will get better.

[catfeeder]

You'll need a much thicker skin when it comes to dating.

Most people are NOT our match. That's not personal, it's about stumbling across one right person who can view us through the right lens to see and appreciate our unique value.

However, the chances of finding that person when YOU don't even appreciate your own value are pretty slim.

So the problem is not about the ex, it's about your own self worth.

The good news is, that's something you can build on your own--in your own time, in your own way, and preferably with the help of a professional.

Unless and until you're willing to do that, you'll interpret every lousy match as confirmation of your own inability to value your Self.

Bad matches happen to all of us. It's a level playing field, and we're all in the process of learning how to screen those out before investing in them. But if you're overly invested in every stranger who nixes you because you're not invested in your Self, first, then you're only drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Skip that, and start your own inner work privately and today.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Southwest said:

In the past therapy has just made my depression worse. 

Also I kind of feel that there's nothing a therapist that can do that will help me. They won't make me more attractive and they won't bring this person back so I feel like it's just going to be a pity talk about how life will get better.

That’s not the purpose of therapy.  I had to become the right person to find the right person.  One way was I had to stop pursuing or pining after unavailable men. This woman is not your person or your match.  She is not available to you. 
 A pity talk would mean it’s a bad therapist. So would talk about “life getting better “ - that’s cliche nonsense.  I’m not a therapist. Here’s what helped me - getting back out there to continue to pursue my goal of marriage and family, limiting my pity parties (like  in reality - pick five minutes a day where you can just feel sorry for yourself), being an even better listener so I didn’t indulge in venting to friends and family , doing volunteer work to make a contribution to my community, and reevaluating my expectations as needed. 
There are no guarantees of finding the one.  Ever. But you can guarantee pretty much you never will if you stay in your negative comfort zone. 

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, Southwest said:

In the past therapy has just made my depression worse. 

Also I kind of feel that there's nothing a therapist that can do that will help me. They won't make me more attractive and they won't bring this person back so I feel like it's just going to be a pity talk about how life will get better.

There is not a therapist on the planet who can live our lives FOR us or fix what WE won't fix about ourselves.

You can assign blame to a therapist or anyone else if you want to, that's not against the law--it's just not going to buy you the self worth that is foundational to all else.

People can sense when we don't own our own value, and that's a turn off.

Unless and until you're willing to do the work of viewing your SELF through a loving and appreciative lens, your chances of finding someone else who is willing to do that FOR you are pretty low.

Head high, and invest in raising your own vision of your own darn Self before expecting that anyone else is going to jump in to do that. You ex gave you her reason for not doing it, so what should that teach you?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Southwest said:

I've seen a professional in the past and it seems to make things worse.  No I don't think it was my depression that drove her away.

Ok, talk therapy is not for everyone. Some people do not respond well, it takes to long, is frustrating, etc., etc.

The first place to start is an evaluation of your overall health. Talk to a physician about the depression get some tests done etc. Many medical problems can manifest as depression.

Do mood disorders or drinking run in your family?

I disagree that your depression did not influence the relationship.

Part of the reason you are idealizing this is because it may have masked your depression for a time, but when that crept back in, things fell apart.

 

[Andrina]

To add to the good advice, I'll just mention a few things you brought up. She's keeping herself in your orbit and on your mind with her comments on your posts. I don't know which social media you're referring to, but if it's FB, unfriend her. Not doing so is preventing you from moving on. It's not about what she wants. It's what's best for you.

As far as looks, they run the gamut in this world and relationships aren't limited to people who only look a particular way. You can only make sure you look the best that you can look with updated grooming and clothes that look good on you, etc.

Confidence and a positive personality boosts ones looks, just as low self worth or a poor personality lessens a person's looks in others eyes.

Start off with some self-help books and articles if you're not comfortable with therapy at the moment. Good luck.

[Southwest]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, talk therapy is not for everyone. Some people do not respond well, it takes to long, is frustrating, etc., etc.

The first place to start is an evaluation of your overall health. Talk to a physician about the depression get some tests done etc. Many medical problems can manifest as depression.

Do mood disorders or drinking run in your family?

I disagree that your depression did not influence the relationship.

Part of the reason you are idealizing this is because it may have masked your depression for a time, but when that crept back in, things fell apart.

 

 No mood disorders that I know of and not much drinking problems.   Health wise ice always been overweight and struggled with my weight since early teens.  In my mid 20s  I lost over a 100 pounds I have been very confident about that.

 It could have crept in for sure. the thing that really scared me about this relationship is when it started I found out my ex had been suffering from depression  I was told by multiple people that my arrival completely changed her attitude to a much better state. 

 In some ways looking back it made me bitter because I felt like I got used so that she could be at a better state of mind and have the confidence to go after the guy she wanted.

[Southwest]

50 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

There is not a therapist on the planet who can live our lives FOR us or fix what WE won't fix about ourselves.

You can assign blame to a therapist or anyone else if you want to, that's not against the law--it's just not going to buy you the self worth that is foundational to all else.

People can sense when we don't own our own value, and that's a turn off.

Unless and until you're willing to do the work of viewing your SELF through a loving and appreciative lens, your chances of finding someone else who is willing to do that FOR you are pretty low.

Head high, and invest in raising your own vision of your own darn Self before expecting that anyone else is going to jump in to do that. You ex gave you her reason for not doing it, so what should that teach you?

Thank you for the reply ill try and work on these things. I won't lie it scares me to think I'll put in all this work and it will be for nothing. I feel in my heart that I will never come across someone like this again. Being in my 30s feels like I've completely missed the boat and she was the last  chance.

[Southwest]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

You'll need a much thicker skin when it comes to dating.

Most people are NOT our match. That's not personal, it's about stumbling across one right person who can view us through the right lens to see and appreciate our unique value.

However, the chances of finding that person when YOU don't even appreciate your own value are pretty slim.

So the problem is not about the ex, it's about your own self worth.

The good news is, that's something you can build on your own--in your own time, in your own way, and preferably with the help of a professional.

Unless and until you're willing to do that, you'll interpret every lousy match as confirmation of your own inability to value your Self.

Bad matches happen to all of us. It's a level playing field, and we're all in the process of learning how to screen those out before investing in them. But if you're overly invested in every stranger who nixes you because you're not invested in your Self, first, then you're only drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Skip that, and start your own inner work privately and today.

I'm not trying to argue but this is not a level playing field. For most of my adult life I've been ignored and looked at with disgust by the opposite sex.  It's something I had to get used to and yes develop thick skin for. 

What kills me is having this connection with someone just for them to walk away and immediately move in with there happy ever after person. This has Happened with 2 different Relationships. 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Thank you for the reply ill try and work on these things. I won't lie it scares me to think I'll put in all this work and it will be for nothing. I feel in my heart that I will never come across someone like this again. Being in my 30s feels like I've completely missed the boat and she was the last  chance.

I started dating my husband the weekend of my 39th bday.  You do the work for you. Not just to find a partner.  Feelings are feelings.  You can recognize your irrational feelings that a woman who wasn’t your match was the only person who would be a good match for you and tell yourself that you will react to those feelings by simply living your life.  Didn’t you have tons of irrational feelings when you were trying to lose weight ? But you lost weight so obviously you didn’t give in to all the feelings like “I’m stressed and had a bad day so I deserve five more cookies”.  Etc.  very impressive that you lost all the weight!!

[Batya33]

Just now, Southwest said:

I'm not trying to argue but this is not a level playing field. For most of my adult life I've been ignored and looked at with disgust by the opposite sex.  It's something I had to get used to and yes develop thick skin for. 

What kills me is having this connection with someone just for them to walk away and immediately move in with there happy ever after person. This has Happened with 2 different Relationships. 

Of course it’s not a level playing field.  Life isn’t fair.  You’re so lucky you only had this happen twice !   My sense is looked at with disgust is a bit of an extreme plus perhaps if you walk around looking negative and unapproachable that’s not gonna help matters.  

[Southwest]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course it’s not a level playing field.  Life isn’t fair.  You’re so lucky you only had this happen twice !   My sense is looked at with disgust is a bit of an extreme plus perhaps if you walk around looking negative and unapproachable that’s not gonna help matters.  

This is definitely an open ended question but why do they deserve to find thier matchs, while I'm still stuck getting rejected more and more? Both of these women had some serious issues that they were not working however they have a loving relationship and building a life with an SO.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Southwest said:

Since then I've just had a lot of rejections and first dates that go nowhere.

Of course they go nowhere... you are not over her yet 😕 . So, don't get involved until you know you are.  

Especially, since at this time, you're still hurting & feeling low.

You need to work on accepting.. to learn that rejection hurts, (we've all had that), but it's not the end!

takes time to accept, heal & move on.

IF you feel like you're really struggling, maybe seek some professional help, to help you work through all of this?

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Southwest said:

She then begged for us to stay friends and refused to see me as ex.

When a couple split, it is very hard to sit back and accept 'just friends'.  It's too hard.

I suggest you don't unless or until you are over all of this ( no more emotions involved).

 

[Southwest]

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Of course they go nowhere... you are not over her yet 😕 . So, don't get involved until you know you are.  

Especially, since at this time, you're still hurting & feeling low.

You need to work on accepting.. to learn that rejection hurts, (we've all had that), but it's not the end!

takes time to accept, heal & move on.

IF you feel like you're really struggling, maybe seek some professional help, to help you work through all of this?

 

This is unfortunately not a normal case my normal is rejection after rejection with long periods of being single. She was it and there isn't anyone else out there. I can feel it to the core.