Lost my soulmate/dream women

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Southwest said:

How "Dumping" or "decided to stop dating" a big difference? 

Stop dating means to stop doing a specific activity with a person.  Dumping is a verb that is used to refer to throwing out or getting rid of stuff.  If I choose to not go on another date or end a romantic relationship I'm not throwing out a person or getting rid of him in the active way dumping suggests.  I don't like using that term to refer to what you're describing.  It perpetuates the exaggeration and negativity.

[Batya33]

I was never happy at the thought of being single forever and I never ever lied to myself about that.  At the same time I led and created and maintained a fun and fulfilling life.  Both were true.  And it's the only reason I was able to meet the right person -because I wasn't jaded or bitter.  

Don't ever compare your struggles -you may struggle more to meet someone and they may struggle more in another way.  And anyway of course life isn't fair so it's such a waste of time to play the comparison game.  I know of many people who didn't struggle at all to find their person to marry. You choose to react by letting it grate on you. Acceptance that life isn't fair -peaceful acceptance -is another choice.

[Southwest]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Stop dating means to stop doing a specific activity with a person.  Dumping is a verb that is used to refer to throwing out or getting rid of stuff.  If I choose to not go on another date or end a romantic relationship I'm not throwing out a person or getting rid of him in the active way dumping suggests.  I don't like using that term to refer to what you're describing.  It perpetuates the exaggeration and negativity.

Thank you for clarification on what you met!

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was never happy at the thought of being single forever and I never ever lied to myself about that.  At the same time I led and created and maintained a fun and fulfilling life.  Both were true.  And it's the only reason I was able to meet the right person -because I wasn't jaded or bitter.  

Don't ever compare your struggles -you may struggle more to meet someone and they may struggle more in another way.  And anyway of course life isn't fair so it's such a waste of time to play the comparison game.  I know of many people who didn't struggle at all to find their person to marry. You choose to react by letting it grate on you. Acceptance that life isn't fair -peaceful acceptance -is another choice.

Oh I understand that and I've been told that for years that life is not fair. Yes I know this and I've accepted it. Still I can't help and think wait why am i one of lucky ones that got to pull this card. Why do I deserve to go through repeated rejection and getting let down. I am very grateful for my blessings in life.

Over all alot of my friends would say for the most part I lead a very fulfilling life and for the most part I'm a happy and fun person to be around with his life pretty well together. Yet here I am alone, but my ex that is an alcoholic has a long lasting relationship or my other ex that has a very controlling and self centered personality has a long lasting relationship. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Southwest said:

Yes I know this and I've accepted it. Still I can't help and think wait why am i one of lucky ones that got to pull this card. Why do I deserve to go through repeated rejection and getting let down. I am very grateful for my blessings in life.

Then you haven't accepted it.  At all.  Could have fooled me as far as being grateful because if you truly were you wouldn't have expressed the luck sentence as you did.  Sometimes I am so darn fried from all the curveballs of this pandemic that it is so hard to even acknowledge anything good -which I do every night -at least three things from that day (also part of a daily facebook thread on this topic for the last 3 years) - I don't do the cliche "count my blessings" but I might consider "my last avocado wasn't overripe" or "I was able to read my novel today."  I get that specific because when it's really hard I make myself do that -not in a "I gotta think positive!" - that's dumb- but more like "ok today was so stressful but there must be something good"  Does it make me "positive"?  Nope.  Does it make me feel "lucky?" Nope.  But I see it as my obligation to acknowledge something that is good or that worked out.  My 12 year old and I do this together (and I do it separately) every night for probably 5 years now.  It's humbling and has nothing to do with whether I am lucky or luckier than anyone else.  Who cares?

Sometimes I have to focus on how it feels to wash my hands.  Or put away dishes one at a time.  Or wipe down a counter.  Because I have nothing left and I'm stressed but this type of focus helps me. Other people do yoga, meditate, etc.  

I went through repeated rejections too -romantically, career-wise, etc etc - I get it.  It can feel unlucky sometimes  and trigger a pity party.  It can feel like "ok I'll go through the motions of the tired old cliche "be grateful for my blessings" but it does not resonate with me.  At all. 

So it's your obligation -if you want to relate to people in any kind of healthful way, much less a romantic way (the gold level of relating to people -dating and serious relationships because it's the toughest most often) - your obligation to find what works for you to keep you centered, grounded, at peace the majority of the time -not all the time - but the majority.  You find what works -which might be what I said works for me and might be totally different.  If you don't want to do that work that's fine -stay in your negative comfort zone and know you are making that choice.  No one else -not because you are "unlucky" -it's totally up to you.

[tattoobunnie]

It only takes one to get it right.  Think about that.  But for now, if you feel you've got nothing to bring to the table, it's time to take a break from dating, and focus on loving yourself again (you will never find love if you don't love yourself), and find a bigger problem to solve.  Try learning something new - take a class (in person), travel to new places (vacay to a bucket list place).  Retrain your brain doing new things, or checking out new places, foods, classes.  Volunteer!

You are more than just a boyfriend.  Get out of your head.  Get out of your own way!  You're in a funk right now, so these one and done dates are a waste of your time right now.  Take a long break, and you won't regret it.

But first, BLOCK HER on ALL SOCIAL MEDIA no matter what.  Put away all mementos and gifts that remind you of her.  Out of sight, out of mind helps 1000%

[Southwest]

3 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

It only takes one to get it right.  Think about that.  But for now, if you feel you've got nothing to bring to the table, it's time to take a break from dating, and focus on loving yourself again (you will never find love if you don't love yourself), and find a bigger problem to solve.  Try learning something new - take a class (in person), travel to new places (vacay to a bucket list place).  Retrain your brain doing new things, or checking out new places, foods, classes.  Volunteer!

You are more than just a boyfriend.  Get out of your head.  Get out of your own way!  You're in a funk right now, so these one and done dates are a waste of your time right now.  Take a long break, and you won't regret it.

But first, BLOCK HER on ALL SOCIAL MEDIA no matter what.  Put away all mementos and gifts that remind you of her.  Out of sight, out of mind helps 1000%

Thank you for that advice ill keep those in mind. I still really hesitate to take a break.  I did a long break in my 20s and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I missed alot of time and opportunities in that break. In the end I felt it hurt me more then helped me. 

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. I just read through this entire thread. *panting/gasping*. Lol. I have a couple of unique thoughts to share. Hear me out. Also, don't hit your head on the subheadings on the way down, lol.

A Lesson on Certainty

You commented along the lines of "these awful things [most likely will / will] happen" at many points in the thread. From a third-party perspective, I found most of those statements almost objectively unjustifiable.  

There are several notable levels of certainty:

1. There is possibility or conceivability (mere speculation)
2. There is reasonable possibility or plausibility
3. There is likelihood or probability (>50%)
4. There is (near) certainty 

You need to be more careful - unless you've time-traveled to the future - of stating what is (#3) most likely or (#4) certain. As Batya33 cogently said at two or three points on this thread, you do not have sufficient facts to support those conclusions. 

It's (#1) possible you will not meet someone as good as your ex - the person sneaking around with and then leaving you because she wanted to be with another guy - again. Perhaps it even rises to (#2) plausible because there substantial support that your stubbornness and self-sabotaging provides a reasonable manner in which #foreveralone could play out. But what evidence or divination shows that it is more likely than not, or that it is certain? I'm certainly not convinced. 

Some Therapists Suck

I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. I am being treated with anti-anxiety medication (discussed in the next section). But also, life sucks. Breakups, death, rejection, etc. Because of many of those factors, I have gone to therapy before. Two therapists right off the bat were just awful. One essentially directed me to act a certain way. "You need to do XYZ," and the directives weren't very good. That was not helpful for me. The next felt like a transaction. She'd listen to me vent for an hour, do the whole "how does that make you feel" crap, and so I stopped going to her, too. (There are many other "free" therapists I went to in college that I am omitting for simplicity's sake).

I met my most recent therapist last year. I was struggling with a lot. She helped so much. With her support, I was able to confidently leave a relationship that was not good for me, have the confidence to go through with what I knew would be a toxic breakup, and I confidently made a major life decision. I've felt lighter since (though of course there are still stresses). It's worth noting that after one of our sessions, I broke down crying. What followed was a clear mind and productive change. Working on yourself isn't always easy. 

My therapist used cognitive behavioral therapy and logotherapy (meaning-driven therapy). Maybe a therapist who uses those methods would be helpful for you, too.

I do not know how many therapists / how many visits you tried before giving up, but if it follows your pattern of thinking on this thread, I infer you have not given "therapy" a full try, even if you've gone to a therapist or two.

My Experience with Medication

I am being careful to follow forum rules. It's worth noting I am not a licensed physician and I am not recommending you do anything your doctor has instructed against. In fact, I am not recommending you do anything at all; just talking about my own experiences. 🙂 

• I had a bad experience with a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) medication. Side-effects for me included inability to orgasm, dizziness after taking the medication, and suicidal ideations (many others experience weight gain; I did not). I stopped that medication immediately upon experiencing the ideations. The ideations then stopped. 
• My doctor spoke to me about Bupropion (Wellbutrin), which is a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor (NDRI). It is an antidepressant. I elected not to use this medication, but some good friends of mine are on it and they do not report those side-effects. From what they told me, their experiences have been generally positive. 
• My doctor also informed me about Buspirone (BuSpar), which is a long-term anti-anxiety medication which operates in some way on serotonin. I am currently taking this medication long-term. I have the occasional dizziness and irritability for around a half-hour after taking the medication twice per day, but now my anxiety is under control. I've felt more normal and (relatively) mellow since early 2019. 😁

Suffice to say, in my friends' and my experiences, there are medications out there which do not cause some of the side-effects I experienced (and that you are fearful of experiencing). Consult your physician if you think any of this sounds like it might be of use or interest to you.   

______

Hope this helps. 

[maritalbliss86]

It is So. Awesome. that you write like that, Pleasedonot!  Love reading it, very organized and we all probably feel smarter by the end!

[Tinydance]

On 6/8/2021 at 9:04 AM, Southwest said:

This is what scares me...and I've had alot of moments where I'm going what is wrong with me. Why did I pull the unluckily card of being single for life. 

Who said it was for life? YOU said? You have some control over your destiny and it looks like you just gave up. Nobody has to be single "for life". Even people who are disabled or disfigured still find someone.

I'm honestly very much of the mindset that there actually is someone out there for everyone. I began to be even more of that mindset since I've been working as a welfare worker for the past eight years. I've worked with all kinds of people over the years. Disabled physically or intellectually, struggling with mental illness, blind, deaf, self harm, substance abuse. Anyway you get the picture. I agree that not all these people found someone, but some did. Some people in a wheelchair found someone.

I'm sorry to say but to make statements that you will be alone for life just means you just give up and you come to that decision for yourself. You can't actually speak for other people who meet you in life that nobody will have interest in you. I worked with this man with cerebral palsy who had a bad limp and he had some memory problems too from a brain condition, but he actually had a very high IQ. He did have one girlfriend for a number of years but she was very rough and about 20 years older than him. Anyway one time we were at a train station and there was this Indian woman working at the food kiosk there. She didn't seem to be married and she was probably in her 30's. I swear she became interested in him. She kept chatting him up and asking him all these questions. She even asked if him and I were a couple. And I was like: "Oh, no not at all, not at all". Meaning "he's all yours" lol

[Wiseman2]

I would print out @Pleasedonot5 post.

This is the key. Finding the right help/treatment. 

In your case, the weight being a major concern as an intolerable side effect.

So,you can straighten out your neurochemistry without gaining back weight.

 

[maritalbliss86]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would print out @Pleasedonot5 post.

Shouldn't we all 😂 It's like a darn study guide! 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm honestly very much of the mindset that there actually is someone out there for everyone.

Only if the two people want it to be that way and want to become the right person to find the right person.  I know of several people who are unhappily single in their 50s now -wanted marriage for over 20 years -so there might be someone for them but not at the time in their lives most people do what they want to do -marry.  I too have seen many people who seemingly wouldn't be a good match because of internal or external baggage or struggles find their people -many times - see the movie Murderball for instance - but I don't think that proves anything about typical people with typical or no baggage who -in some cases get in their own way and in some cases simply never find that right person.  I wish you were right.  Seen too many examples the other way.  No guarantees and I always knew that about my life too.  None.  Just like no guarantees of having or adopting a child.  But there are ways to stop getting in one's own way.  The OP is self-sabotaging and getting in his own way.

In 2005 I dated a really needy insecure and handsome successful guy.  Originally met online.  We dated for about 2 months.  I really wanted it to work and his neediness/insecurity did me in.  He was well aware of his issues- I was in my late 30s and he in his early 40s.  We remain in touch on Facebook. He ended up going on at least one date with several of my friends and acquaintances.  About 8 months ago -he is now in his late 50s -he met a woman in her 50s (seems to be, maybe older) and apparently they are besotted over the moon in love.  His posts on Facebook are nauseatingly sweet. 

I really really wish I was still close enough to him to message him and beg him to take a step back, not be so over the top - but then a part of me hopes maybe he worked out his issues.  I don't really think so because of some chats we've had over the years but I hope so.  The woman seems lovely and into him.  Perhaps he's finally found his match and then Tinydance -another bit of evidence of your awesome mindset!!

[boltnrun]

I have a friend who is desperately searching for love. He's an attractive 30 year old but he can't seem to get out of his own way. Every time he meets a new young woman he plasters her all over his Facebook page shouting that he's in a relationship with her and posting dozens of pics. Then when they breakup she suddenly disappears from his feed and he posts sad sack memes and posts. He's done this three times over the past year and does not learn. Just does not. He seems unable to calm himself down when he meets someone and his over eager behavior sees to be running these young ladies off. I can't understand why he keeps doing this. Currently he's just met another young woman and is doing the same thing and I'm cringing for him because he's a nice young man and I fear the same thing will happen again.

I hope he gets it figured out instead of repeating the same mistakes...but so far he hasn't. 

Try to curtail your expectations. But also be willing to give a new love a chance. Just in a calmer manner than my friend!

[Southwest]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I have a friend who is desperately searching for love. He's an attractive 30 year old but he can't seem to get out of his own way. Every time he meets a new young woman he plasters her all over his Facebook page shouting that he's in a relationship with her and posting dozens of pics. Then when they breakup she suddenly disappears from his feed and he posts sad sack memes and posts. He's done this three times over the past year and does not learn. Just does not. He seems unable to calm himself down when he meets someone and his over eager behavior sees to be running these young ladies off. I can't understand why he keeps doing this. Currently he's just met another young woman and is doing the same thing and I'm cringing for him because he's a nice young man and I fear the same thing will happen again.

I hope he gets it figured out instead of repeating the same mistakes...but so far he hasn't. 

Try to curtail your expectations. But also be willing to give a new love a chance. Just in a calmer manner than my friend!

Don't I'm not the type to plaster love all over the place in the beginning. My last relationship was kind the opposite my ex thought I wasn't into it in the beginning. Which was a shock to me for sure. It takes me time to fall for someone. 

It was freaking me out when she said we're official after the second date and after 2 months she joked repeatedly about moving in together. 

In some ways I felt she was the insecure one and was searching very hard for someone to be in her life. Although she was a generally positive person she had some negtive thoughts about not being able to chase her passion as hard as she wanted. She also had battled depression. 

In the end she was able to find her connection and they moved in after 5 months. I only found this out because we sat down 6 months after out break up so I could have some closure.

Again I know life is not fair, but this was definitely a moment of wait I was the mature and secure one. I ended up getting the short end of the stick followed by alor of rejections. Yes some of them I was way to in a negtive state to be dating, others I was very positive and enjoying life at that moment. 

[Southwest]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

In 2005 I dated a really needy insecure and handsome successful guy.  Originally met online.  We dated for about 2 months.  I really wanted it to work and his neediness/insecurity did me in.  He was well aware of his issues- I was in my late 30s and he in his early 40s.  We remain in touch on Facebook. He ended up going on at least one date with several of my friends and acquaintances.  About 8 months ago -he is now in his late 50s -he met a woman in her 50s (seems to be, maybe older) and apparently they are besotted over the moon in love.  His posts on Facebook are nauseatingly sweet. 

 

What kind of things did he do that caused you to run from him?

Yes I know there is no guarantee to finding someone, and I know if I have the mindset that I won't will not happen either. 

One thing that I feel that we're all ignoring is that plenty of people that have baggage, insecurities, depression etc get into relationships everyday. Granted they might not be healthy or right however they have that chance. That's where I feel the pain is my chances are so far and few between. 

Even with my ex I saw red flags, one big one was she was not over her ex at all and he came up alot in our conversations. One big issue I noticed was that she saw no fault in her own in the relationship ending.  It was all his fault. I know both parties play a part in a failed relationship.  

[LaHermes]

28 minutes ago, Southwest said:

One thing that I feel that we're all ignoring is that plenty of people that have baggage, insecurities, depression etc get into relationships everyday.

You can be certain that no one this ENA is ignoring what you describe. In fact baggage, insecurities and depression is what brings the vast majority of OPs here. People who got into an unhealthy relationship and ten discover the damage and destruction such dysfunction brings in its wake.  

And unhealthy tens to be drawn to unhealthy. A recipe for disaster. 

You remark:

"But should I really chase relationships with people I'm not interested in and that don't push me to be better?"

Why would you want to do something like that OP?!

[Southwest]

13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Who said it was for life? YOU said? You have some control over your destiny and it looks like you just gave up. Nobody has to be single "for life". Even people who are disabled or disfigured still find someone.

I'm honestly very much of the mindset that there actually is someone out there for everyone. I began to be even more of that mindset since I've been working as a welfare worker for the past eight years. I've worked with all kinds of people over the years. Disabled physically or intellectually, struggling with mental illness, blind, deaf, self harm, substance abuse. Anyway you get the picture. I agree that not all these people found someone, but some did. Some people in a wheelchair found someone.

I'm sorry to say but to make statements that you will be alone for life just means you just give up and you come to that decision for yourself. You can't actually speak for other people who meet you in life that nobody will have interest in you. I worked with this man with cerebral palsy who had a bad limp and he had some memory problems too from a brain condition, but he actually had a very high IQ. He did have one girlfriend for a number of years but she was very rough and about 20 years older than him. Anyway one time we were at a train station and there was this Indian woman working at the food kiosk there. She didn't seem to be married and she was probably in her 30's. I swear she became interested in him. She kept chatting him up and asking him all these questions. She even asked if him and I were a couple. And I was like: "Oh, no not at all, not at all". Meaning "he's all yours" lol

Yes I have come to that conclusion. I know I will have people interested in me, however will it be people that I'm interested as well. 

Maybe that's poor word choosing on my part. Yes there will be people interested in dating me but I will not be interested in dating them. Maybe that's where I need accept the unfairness and date people that I have no interest in just so I have some one in my life. That's what really scares me is having to settle for a relationship that is one-sided in interest and I have is someone that stays. 

Granted I know that may come off as egotistical or me whining about not getting what I want. But should I really chase relationships with people I'm not interested in and that don't push me to be better?

 

[tattoobunnie]

19 hours ago, Southwest said:

I missed alot of time and opportunities in that break.

With regards to dates?  Take a break from dating.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Southwest said:

 push me to be better?

That's your job, no one else's. No one's want to tug you along, prod you or be your teacher, coach, cheerleader, etc. 

That's what you pay professionals for. A trainer, a therapist, a nutritionist, etc., etc., etc.

Everyday someone is interested in someone not interested in them, so? 

The rhetorical debate about stringing someone along so you have someone is nonsensical.

And yes, being petulant and argumentative will turn a lot of people off.

[Southwest]

24 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

With regards to dates?  Take a break from dating.

Yes in regards to dating, its pretty general understanding that dating doesn't get any easier as you get older the amount of options gets slimmer and slimmer. 

[Southwest]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's your job, no one else's. No one's want to tug you along, prod you or be your teacher, coach, cheerleader, etc. 

That's what you pay professionals for. A trainer, a therapist, a nutritionist, etc., etc., etc.

Everyday someone is interested in someone not interested in them, so? 

The rhetorical debate about stringing someone along so you have someone is nonsensical.

And yes, being petulant and argumentative will turn a lot of people off.

Yes I know that's primarily my job what I meant was finding someone that we both push each other to be the best each other can be. 

 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

Quote

But should I really chase relationships with people I'm not interested in and that don't push me to be better?

No. Generally one should go on dates to continue or explore interest. If you become or stay interested, keep going out on more dates. If you are not interested, stop going on dates with that person. 

- If you are not interested, what is the end goal? It leads to a mediocre-bad outcome either way. Either eventually they stop wanting to go out with you and then you feel rejected; or you perpetually string them along without feeling fully satisfied - still pining over your ex or the desire for someone better. 

- If you know you are not interested in someone, that lack of interest will likely show in your actions. That may make your date feel guarded and may bring about rejection in and of itself, which is counterproductive for your current mental state.

It's worth mentioning, though, that I am concerned that you are not in the right state of mind to casually date at the moment. Wait until you are feeling generally better about yourself before going out on more. That way, if something does not work out, you will not feel the sting of rejection as you are feeling it now. 

[LaHermes]

14 minutes ago, Southwest said:

dating doesn't get any easier as you get older the amount of options gets slimmer and slimmer. 

You are in your 30s OP.  Not yet in your dotage!!

30s is considered young nowadays.

[Southwest]

6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You are in your 30s OP.  Not yet in your dotage!!

30s is considered young nowadays.

I'm glad you think that, and yes I agree it is still young however the majority of people are either married or in long term relationships.  I'm just stating what I'm going through maybe for other people its great and they have lots of different people to choose from. That's not my reality. I'm not being negtive or positive just realistic. 

[LaHermes]

On 6/7/2021 at 10:30 PM, Southwest said:

You can be fully living life and be loving life, however if your not attractive they will not be drawn to you. 

What do you mean by "not attractive"?  How are you (perceivedly) not attractive?