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Lost my soulmate/dream women


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2 minutes ago, Southwest said:

This is unfortunately not a normal case my normal is rejection after rejection with long periods of being single. She was it and there isn't anyone else out there. I can feel it to the core.

Very often our feelings aren't facts, right? 

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4 minutes ago, Southwest said:

This is unfortunately not a normal case my normal is rejection after rejection with long periods of being single. She was it and there isn't anyone else out there. I can feel it to the core

Ohh, but there are!  This is just your 'mindset' at this time.

There's tons & tons.

But, you can't expect the first person or the 5th to be a success.

You need some down time to work through things.. Why are you even going there?  you know you're not over your last experience - so what do you have to 'give'?

And if you are still so 'low', they will pick up on this.. so is best you continue to work on YOU  at this time.

No searching.. no expectations.

And you're still young, you've got many yrs ahead of you.

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I think you’re still hooked on this girl because you are still allowing her to be in your life. She has you on the back burner while she dates and does whatever. And not only are you struggling in the dating department but you’re on social media seeing all the “amazing” things she is doing. A lot of people on social media snap a pic and exaggerate the amazing things they are doing. But it’s gonna make getting over her harder. 
I also think you have low self esteem and don’t value yourself. I am the same way. Although I know there are good things about me I don’t feel that I am on the same level with other women who have perfect bodies, flawless skin, money for plastic surgeries etc. So I know how you feel. No matter how great you do or feel or look, you don’t feel good enough. And I can relate to your outlook on therapy. I’ve tried it, quit, tried, quit, now getting back into it. It’s never really helped but I’m gonna keep trying different types. Hopefully you can find something that helps you. Anyway, the way you feel about yourself and the way you felt about her, only adds to the rejection you felt when she ended it. You thought she was your soul mate and you were happy because you didn’t think you would have the ability to find someone like that. So when she ended it, it only worsened your self esteem. So you haven’t really allowed yourself to move on. It may seem like The ultimate way to repair your self esteem is to get her back. To make her realize she felt the same thing. However, I think if she did come back you would see her flaws and not be able to trust her feelings for you. Rejection can really do a number on people.

And you’re gonna be “rejected” in the dating world. I can’t tell you how many guys I talked to that I thought were awesome, but not romantically, at all. And in high school, I liked so many guys that weren’t interested in me back then. It goes beyond what you look like too. I know a woman who is so beautiful and outgoing, and her husband is the opposite. He’s reserved, he’s not ugly but there’s nothing that makes him stand out, physically. But he’s smart and kind, and works hard and they get along great. She could probably go out and find a “hot” guy but she has no desire to because that’s not what is going to bring her long lasting happiness. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Bothered2021 said:

I think you’re still hooked on this girl because you are still allowing her to be in your life. She has you on the back burner while she dates and does whatever. And not only are you struggling in the dating department but you’re on social media seeing all the “amazing” things she is doing. A lot of people on social media snap a pic and exaggerate the amazing things they are doing. But it’s gonna make getting over her harder. 
I also think you have low self esteem and don’t value yourself. I am the same way. Although I know there are good things about me I don’t feel that I am on the same level with other women who have perfect bodies, flawless skin, money for plastic surgeries etc. So I know how you feel. No matter how great you do or feel or look, you don’t feel good enough. And I can relate to your outlook on therapy. I’ve tried it, quit, tried, quit, now getting back into it. It’s never really helped but I’m gonna keep trying different types. Hopefully you can find something that helps you. Anyway, the way you feel about yourself and the way you felt about her, only adds to the rejection you felt when she ended it. You thought she was your soul mate and you were happy because you didn’t think you would have the ability to find someone like that. So when she ended it, it only worsened your self esteem. So you haven’t really allowed yourself to move on. It may seem like The ultimate way to repair your self esteem is to get her back. To make her realize she felt the same thing. However, I think if she did come back you would see her flaws and not be able to trust her feelings for you. Rejection can really do a number on people.

And you’re gonna be “rejected” in the dating world. I can’t tell you how many guys I talked to that I thought were awesome, but not romantically, at all. And in high school, I liked so many guys that weren’t interested in me back then. It goes beyond what you look like too. I know a woman who is so beautiful and outgoing, and her husband is the opposite. He’s reserved, he’s not ugly but there’s nothing that makes him stand out, physically. But he’s smart and kind, and works hard and they get along great. She could probably go out and find a “hot” guy but she has no desire to because that’s not what is going to bring her long lasting happiness. 

 

 

Yup you hit it on the head, even when I first started dating her I knew it was too good to be true. I knew eventually she would find someone better I let myself believe otherwise for a second and I got what I always get and deserve I guess. 

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1 minute ago, Southwest said:

Yup you hit it on the head, even when I first started dating her I knew it was too good to be true. I knew eventually she would find someone better I let myself believe otherwise for a second and I got what I always get and deserve I guess. 

No. That not what you deserve. You didn’t find the right one, even if you think she was. Eventually you will when you aren’t expecting it and then you will see you were better off without this one 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh, but there are!  This is just your 'mindset' at this time.

There's tons & tons.

But, you can't expect the first person or the 5th to be a success.

You need some down time to work through things.. Why are you even going there?  you know you're not over your last experience - so what do you have to 'give'?

And if you are still so 'low', they will pick up on this.. so is best you continue to work on YOU  at this time.

No searching.. no expectations.

And you're still young, you've got many yrs ahead of you.

I could have a very positive mindset and it still wouldn't matter. I don't go into these dates sad and depressed I go into them excited. They still reject me over and over. They know they can find better so I'm really just a waste of time. 

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Just now, Southwest said:

I could have a very positive mindset and it still wouldn't matter. I don't go into these dates sad and depressed I go into them excited. They still reject me over and over. They know they can find better so I'm really just a waste of time. 

Why go into a date excited? It's just a date -go in with an open mind that you're going to hopefully have a nice or fun time, pleasant conversation, maybe some good eats.  No one is rejecting you - at most they're declining to see you again when you would have seen them again.  I never considered whether I could find "better" but whether I could find a better match for me.  Two very different things.  

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Just now, Southwest said:

I could have a very positive mindset and it still wouldn't matter. I don't go into these dates sad and depressed I go into them excited. They still reject me over and over. They know they can find better so I'm really just a waste of time. 

Good grief. That isn’t it. Some of the girls you go out with could think the same thing about you. I can respect that you are depressed and think poorly of yourself, but don’t take on the victim mindset. What’s meant to be will be. At this point it sounds like you aren’t even ready to be dating, because you don’t even like yourself right now 

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1 minute ago, Southwest said:

This isn't a feeling this is my reality. I'll never find someone like this again that is interested in me. 

Well no it's not reality - you have no facts to prove it's real.  you simply have a feeling. Feelings aren't facts.  When I was trying to conceive I had the strongest most intense feeling that I was pregnant - I really cannot describe it but I felt totally sure I was.  I wasn't.  When I actually was I didn't feel that feeling at all.  I didn't know till i took the test which was the reality.  You feel that you will never find another good match.  That's a feeling.  It's a real feeling but feelings aren't facts.

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why go into a date excited? It's just a date -go in with an open mind that you're going to hopefully have a nice or fun time, pleasant conversation, maybe some good eats.  No one is rejecting you - at most they're declining to see you again when you would have seen them again.  I never considered whether I could find "better" but whether I could find a better match for me.  Two very different things.  

Okay exited was a bad word choice. What I was getting at is I'm not going in depressed. No I don't see them as different things I feel that's something that we as a society have come up with to soften the blow. I know there are alot of better people then me out there and why should I hope to compete. 

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Just now, Southwest said:

Okay exited was a bad word choice. What I was getting at is I'm not going in depressed. No I don't see them as different things I feel that's something that we as a society have come up with to soften the blow. I know there are alot of better people then me out there and why should I hope to compete. 

Well, no when I declined to see someone again I was not rejecting that person.  I was rejecting his invitation perhaps.  Please don't go down the "society" path -you are an individual meeting other individuals.  Of course there are better people out there.  I never thought I was the best person ever and hopefully my husband doesn't think I'm the best person in the world.  i'm not.  He's not. But we believe we're the best match for each other, flaws and all.  It's not about competing because people are looking for the right match, not the best person in an objective sense.  I went out with several men who were objectively more handsome than my husband if you go by "society" view of "hot" - but they didn't do it for me.  They were nice, too, smart, successful but we didn't click or have the passion/chemistry my husband and I did.  It's not a competition at all.  There's a cover for every pot as the saying goes.  

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well, no when I declined to see someone again I was not rejecting that person.  I was rejecting his invitation perhaps.  Please don't go down the "society" path -you are an individual meeting other individuals.  Of course there are better people out there.  I never thought I was the best person ever and hopefully my husband doesn't think I'm the best person in the world.  i'm not.  He's not. But we believe we're the best match for each other, flaws and all.  It's not about competing because people are looking for the right match, not the best person in an objective sense.  I went out with several men who were objectively more handsome than my husband if you go by "society" view of "hot" - but they didn't do it for me.  They were nice, too, smart, successful but we didn't click or have the passion/chemistry my husband and I did.  It's not a competition at all.  There's a cover for every pot as the saying goes.  

When the other person has many many more options for finding there one on my side I feel it's a competition. One tiny mistake on my part and I'm out and they can go to the next.

Just like with my ex she still had her eyes out and found someone better and jumped on it. I know there were things I needed to work on in the relationship and things I could have done differently. She had her flaws and mistake as well but she had no need to work on them when there is a line of other men waiting and willing.  

I'm not trying to make her out as evil or blame her I'm still just hurt I wasn't worth it to come to and say let's atleast try to fix this.

End the end she is rewarded and i spent the last year in pain.

Edited by Southwest
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5 hours ago, Southwest said:

I won't lie it scares me to think I'll put in all this work and it will be for nothing.

Once you get clarity about who, exactly, is the beneficiary of your work, it cannot be for 'nothing'.

Until then, you can pretzel yourself all you want--for nothing.

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10 hours ago, Southwest said:

Health wise ice always been overweight and struggled with my weight since early teens.  In my mid 20s  I lost over a 100 pounds I have been very confident about that.

Ok. You still seem stuck in the past.

This woman was not some elusive goddess holding the key to your happiness.

So your self esteem and depression have nothing to do with her or the breakup.

It has to do with being 100lb overweight and all the issues you've never dealt with.

You can lose the weight, but it's a myth that weight loss is a cure-all for all the other coexisting problems.

Post after post, your negativity and defeatist attitude comes across loud and clear.

You really think women you've tried dating don't notice this?

You're getting dates so something is ok there but your intense negative attitude would put most anyone off. 

 

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. You still seem stuck in the past.

This woman was not some elusive goddess holding the key to your happiness.

So your self esteem and depression have nothing to do with her or the breakup.

It has to do with being 100lb overweight and all the issues you've never dealt with.

You can lose the weight, but it's a myth that weight loss is a cure-all for all the other coexisting problems.

Post after post, your negativity and defeatist attitude comes across loud and clear.

You really think women you've tried dating don't notice this?

You're getting dates so something is ok there but your intense negative attitude would put most anyone off. 

 

Yes I know these are things I need to work on and do work on. I have definitely worked on myself image since I've lost weight. 

I do have a negtive and defeatist side to my personality and I'm not sure how to fix that. However this does not come out when I'm on a date I'm not being a downer and being extremely negtive. It didn't even come out when I was in this last relationship. Mostly because I felt for the most part my life was fulfilled. 

It really only comes out when I get extremely comfortable with people. 

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2 hours ago, Southwest said:

Yes I know these are things I need to work on and do work on. I have definitely worked on myself image since I've lost weight. 

I do have a negtive and defeatist side to my personality and I'm not sure how to fix that. However this does not come out when I'm on a date I'm not being a downer and being extremely negtive. It didn't even come out when I was in this last relationship. Mostly because I felt for the most part my life was fulfilled. 

It really only comes out when I get extremely comfortable with people. 

So my suggestions are more than a one pronged approach.  Check out Martha Beck's books and if you want to do something a bit more direct Alain de Boton's writings.  Then do baby steps.  Positively reinforce each time you have a negative thought and feeling and choose a reaction that doesn't feed into it -whether the reaction is exercise, a pleasant distraction, watching how the soap rinses off your hands when you wash them, calling a friend and not venting about yourself -whatever it is -baby steps.  Each tiny step reinforces that you are not controlled by these thoughts and feelings.  

I think it most likely comes out on a date you just don't know that.  I know that because of all the many people I dated I could tell when the energy was negative even if the words were not.  Twice I pointed it out (because the men asked me to be specific about why I declined another date) and at least those two times they told me I was right. 

I am still in touch via FB with one of these guys -handsome, intelligent, good sense of humor - in his 50s and single.  I met him when he was in his 30s.  But maybe he now wants to be single - back then he did not want to be single.  I noticed how polite he was, good conversation -and the negative vibes were obvious to me at least.  You think you're not but you are.

If you need another person in your life romantically to stop the negative stuff then it's not a healthful interaction -you're then too vulnerable to a recurrence of the negativity.  And you're relying on a new relationship to sustain you -much of that is idealizing, fantasy, infatuation -it's a precarious position.  As opposed to doing the work and being a standalone reasonably centered, satisfied, fulfilled person whether or not you have a love interest.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So my suggestions are more than a one pronged approach.  Check out Martha Beck's books and if you want to do something a bit more direct Alain de Boton's writings.  Then do baby steps.  Positively reinforce each time you have a negative thought and feeling and choose a reaction that doesn't feed into it -whether the reaction is exercise, a pleasant distraction, watching how the soap rinses off your hands when you wash them, calling a friend and not venting about yourself -whatever it is -baby steps.  Each tiny step reinforces that you are not controlled by these thoughts and feelings.  

I think it most likely comes out on a date you just don't know that.  I know that because of all the many people I dated I could tell when the energy was negative even if the words were not.  Twice I pointed it out (because the men asked me to be specific about why I declined another date) and at least those two times they told me I was right. 

I am still in touch via FB with one of these guys -handsome, intelligent, good sense of humor - in his 50s and single.  I met him when he was in his 30s.  But maybe he now wants to be single - back then he did not want to be single.  I noticed how polite he was, good conversation -and the negative vibes were obvious to me at least.  You think you're not but you are.

If you need another person in your life romantically to stop the negative stuff then it's not a healthful interaction -you're then too vulnerable to a recurrence of the negativity.  And you're relying on a new relationship to sustain you -much of that is idealizing, fantasy, infatuation -it's a precarious position.  As opposed to doing the work and being a standalone reasonably centered, satisfied, fulfilled person whether or not you have a love interest.

I will take these points into consideration. I still struggle with it however since I know I will never be someone that is positive 100% of the time I feel that would be exhausting. How does someone with a realist view point not get labeled as being negative. Also beyond that I have friends that are very negative and they are able to hold on to relationships. 

Like other have said yes I'm stuck in the past and don't feel like my future will be any different. I'm bitter for the lack of relationships that I've had and I'm bitter about the lack of options I have for new dates. 

Some times I feel the lack of relationships experience helped kill my last relationship. Which makes me feel even worse because I'll never have someone like this again. 

I feel I live a very fulfilling life however the lack of having someone is running it for me. I'm tired of being single and I'm scared to death I'll be single for life.

Edited by Southwest
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11 minutes ago, Southwest said:

I will take these points into consideration. I still struggle with it however since I know I will never be someone that is positive 100% of the time I feel that would be exhausting. How does someone with a realist view point not get labeled as being negative. Also beyond that I have friends that are very negative and they are able to hold on to relationships. 

Like other have said yes I'm stuck in the past and don't feel like my future will be any different. I'm bitter for the lack of relationships that I've had and I'm bitter about the lack of options I have for new dates. 

Some times I feel the lack of relationships experience helped kill my last relationship. Which makes me feel even worse because I'll never have someone like this again. 

I feel I live a very fulfilling life however the lack of having someone is running it for me. I'm tired of being single and I'm scared to death I'll be single for life.

Who said anything at all about being positive 100% of the time?? Of course negative people find relationships - doesn't mean they are healthy or they are in a weird sort of way because their partners are negative too -who knows. I'm talking about long lasting healthful relationships not just a relationship you can "hold on to".  My friend is celebrating 39 years today with her husband, 34 years married -he was her first love.  No "relationship experience" -you don't need relationship experience -it's pretty basic -show up (on time) look nice/be nice - it's just friendship caught on fire and you have friends already, right?

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Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, Southwest said:

 I will never be someone that is positive 100% of the time

That's not the goal. Everyone has bad times, tough times, bad moods, bad days disappointments, heartaches, etc.

The goal is to have better mental health. That does not mean floating on rainbows and sunshine constantly and you are dead wrong that the rest of the world is.

 It could help your neurochemistry to get out of self-pitying and start turning things around instead of chronic hopelessness, helplessness and anger.

Even your diet/lifestyle can affect this. You are way beyond pep-talks and self help books, you need a physician.

Edited by Wiseman2
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19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who said anything at all about being positive 100% of the time?? Of course negative people find relationships - doesn't mean they are healthy or they are in a weird sort of way because their partners are negative too -who knows. I'm talking about long lasting healthful relationships not just a relationship you can "hold on to".  My friend is celebrating 39 years today with her husband, 34 years married -he was her first love.  No "relationship experience" -you don't need relationship experience -it's pretty basic -show up (on time) look nice/be nice - it's just friendship caught on fire and you have friends already, right?

 

Yes I have have a rather large friend group, with a good amount of deep friendships. That's where I start to struggle is have these very deep friendships however when It comes to relationships no one is interested. Note (I'm not building friendships in the guise of trying to get someone to date me.) I can just feel that the possible women I could date look at my body and all my short comings and they don't even give me a chance. 

On top of this now when I do get into a relationship I have a over laying fear that the person will get bored of me and dump me like the rest since I'm hesitant to fall to fast. This happened with my last relationship the women was head over heels for me and I even explained to her I've been burned alot in the past. She said she understood that and she ended up doing the same thing to me in the end. 

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16 minutes ago, Southwest said:

 

Yes I have have a rather large friend group, with a good amount of deep friendships. That's where I start to struggle is have these very deep friendships however when It comes to relationships no one is interested. Note (I'm not building friendships in the guise of trying to get someone to date me.) I can just feel that the possible women I could date look at my body and all my short comings and they don't even give me a chance. 

On top of this now when I do get into a relationship I have a over laying fear that the person will get bored of me and dump me like the rest since I'm hesitant to fall to fast. This happened with my last relationship the women was head over heels for me and I even explained to her I've been burned alot in the past. She said she understood that and she ended up doing the same thing to me in the end. 

Who is no one??  As my mom said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.  You need to stop getting in your own way.  I meant you have platonic friends- men and perhaps women. So that’s plenty of experience to have a potentially romantic relationship.  Do you take the easy way out in other areas of your life? If not then transfer the grit and persistence skills to this cares and stop taking the easy way out.  
Also make sure that you actually do want a relationship.  Wanting it so you’re not single is not the same as wanting a relationship for its own sake. 

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34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who is no one??  As my mom said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.  You need to stop getting in your own way.  I meant you have platonic friends- men and perhaps women. So that’s plenty of experience to have a potentially romantic relationship.  Do you take the easy way out in other areas of your life? If not then transfer the grit and persistence skills to this cares and stop taking the easy way out.  
Also make sure that you actually do want a relationship.  Wanting it so you’re not single is not the same as wanting a relationship for its own sake. 

I want a relationship I've wanted something meaningful since my late teens. Yet I've alwasy been turned down or dumped.  That's why I'm negtive and so defeated. All I know is pain and let down. They always can and do find someone better then me. 

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50 minutes ago, Southwest said:

when It comes to relationships no one is interested

IMO, you are presently very close-minded.

WHY you are looking to 'date again, I have no idea 😕 .

You made this post because YOU have been ramping on about 'losing your soulmate'.

So,, you are still struggling and still reeling over HER.

I think I asked you why you are even going there?

When someone is still 'stuck' on an ex, their mind is still on that.  And you do not even sound near enough to feel okay about getting involved again.

So, why can't you continue to just work through all of this about your experience with her for now?

You are obviously still feeling low about all of that. And wtih feeling so low, I'd hope you are not seeking someone out to 'try' and get over her- that doesn't work.

And to be bothered because you can't seem to 'find' someone who's truly interested in you.. Again, you are bothered by this?  Reality, .. you shouldn't be.

I dont understand why people just can't accept the fact that they will NOT find a  partner again so quickly, without thinking they are at fault for something or degrading themselves.

The world is HUGE with population.  And we just don't 'find the one' with a simple chat & meet up.

Relationships take time.. time to build & get to know the other person and find  out IF you connect at all.

Expectations (being too high), is what adds to your frustrations. 

So, maybe just ease off and calm down.  And IF you can't handle this is how it goes, stop trying.  Just stop 'searching'!

Take some serious down time and live your life.  IF you meet up with someone some day & it goes well, good on you!

But, do not even go there if you ARE still reeling over an ex 😕 .

 

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