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Lost my soulmate/dream women


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14 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

You're not in a healthy mindset to date and this damsel in distress act is not going to win your ex back.

What I would suggest you do is if you don't want to seek therapy, to do some self reflection. Stop looking at what you don't have but what you do have.

When you start looking at things you should be thankful for, starting with a good health, you might start to see it's not all doom and gloom. I am hoping this strategy might help you see some light out of the tunnel. But this starts with you. Do you want to get out of the tunnel?

Also if your ex broke up with you for her best guy friend, I think there were some flags that you might have overlooked when you were with her?? 

 

 

 

Thank you for not going down the route of find therapy. I will try to do the things I'm grateful for I've tried it in the past with not much success but I will try again.

I know she's gone forever and nothing I can do will bring her back unfortunately. Yes there was a few red flags that I saw and I tried not to make to much of a big deal out of it in the fear would look jealous or insecure. Also one of best friends is a women so I didn't feel right to say I don't like you being around this person. 

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1 hour ago, Southwest said:

Thank you for not going down the route of find therapy. I will try to do the things I'm grateful for I've tried it in the past with not much success but I will try again.

I know she's gone forever and nothing I can do will bring her back unfortunately. Yes there was a few red flags that I saw and I tried not to make to much of a big deal out of it in the fear would look jealous or insecure. Also one of best friends is a women so I didn't feel right to say I don't like you being around this person. 

Toss that out the window next time you feel the need to suppress your instincts. Trust yourself going forward. 

Pick yourself up and move forwards. This has every bit to do with trusting your instincts and setting yourself free as it is letting go of the past. Trust yourself more.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Southwest said:

Thank you for not going down the route of find therapy.

Is that what everyone else tells you? Friends family etc?.

With all due respect you seem a bit egotistical and entitled.

You seem to think that you are so special and deserve special people, ideal love, a perfect life, and special treatment.

Now it's clear why you won't get help. You simply want to be a drama queen in the spotlight.

Chewing off anyone's ear who's willing to listen to your constant help-rejecting complaining.

Edited by Wiseman2
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On 6/6/2021 at 3:07 AM, Southwest said:

 I work out I stay active I have a good friend group that I do things with almost on every weekend. I have decent career. Basically I feel I'm doing the right things to feel better. However with each new rejection it just reaffirms in my head I lost the one. 

I think the thing to really try to work on is your self esteem. Maybe you could do some therapy? If you work out, have friends, good career, how can it be that you don't bring anything to the table? Of course you bring something to the table but you just don't THINK that you do.

I really do understand that it hurts. As a single 36-year-old woman I completely get it. It's not easy to date as you get older but I also don't think your girlfriend was "the one". I think when someone is the one it's a mutual feeling. Like, when people say, "I found the one" and they get married to that person. If she didn't want to be with you and dumped you then she didn't consider you her one. So that makes her not the one. Does that make sense? Finding the one is when the feelings are mutual. Otherwise it was just a person you were dating.

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12 hours ago, Southwest said:

Doesn't matter in the end all I want is her, so at this point I just have to accept I won't be with her. In the past few weeks I've just gotten to the point of hoping this life will pass by as quickly as possible. 

Yes, that is the actual reality, you can't have her. We just can't have every single thing we want in life and we need to accept that. But you could have someone else. I doubt you're really ugly and undesirable and all that. I think that's just the way you see yourself. You can't move on because you don't actually want to move on, and also because you don't like yourself and therefore it's easier to just stay in ex limbo.

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13 hours ago, Southwest said:

I eased off and calmed down all through my 20s you know where it got me. Basically zero dates and zero relationships.  No one walked into my life when i was least expecting it. That's why I have this insurgency to find someone. Dating isn't getting any easier the older and uglier I get. I'm watching the small amount of people get into relationships. 

I've tried everything to get over my ex at this point its been over a year. So at this point the only thing that i feel will help is to find someone to fill the whole. 

Is it going to be as good as connection as my last, probably not. I guess the only problem to this is in my mind is I found the one she left so who cares If I screw up the next relationship. I had the best I can get and I wasn't enough. 

You actually have no proof she was the best because you haven't been with anyone else yet since her. There are billions of people in the world, how can she be the best? There isn't really such a thing as "the one". There is "a one". Meaning, let's say if someone's wife or husband died, love of their life. Does that actually mean they'll never love any other person and will always be alone? It doesn't mean that. But to actually find someone you need to get out there with an open mind. Thinking everything you're thinking (extremely negative) will be a vicious cycle and self fulfilling prophecy. You know that quote: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right". Meaning, if you think positively, you'll get results. If you don't, you won't.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is that what everyone else tells you? Friends family etc?.

With all due respect you seem a bit egotistical and entitled.

You seem to think that you are so special and deserve special people, ideal love, a perfect life, and special treatment.

Now it's clear why you won't get help. You simply want to be a drama queen in the spotlight.

Chewing off anyone's ear who's willing to listen to your constant help-rejecting complaining.

I'm sorry i came off this way this weekend has been very hard. I'm coming off a string of rejections from dates that all felt halfway decent. All of them telling me you seem nice lets be friends.  

I never said I wanted a perfect life or ideal love. Yes I said I wanted this specific person. 

Going to a therapist in the past has been a very bad experience for me. Each session ended with me feeling worse and feeling completely empty. 

I understand I rejected alot of the help people offered here and I'm working on that. Idk if I wrote this original post just to vent or actually ask for help. 

I know alot of people have said not to date until I'm feeling better. when you do everything in the book including going to a therapist after the break up to feel better and nothing is working I started to feel the only way out was to try and move on a date other people. For a majority of this time I've been meet with rejection after rejection hearing the same line you seem great but let's be friends. 

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10 minutes ago, Southwest said:

. when you do everything in the book 

But you're not doing anything but having a pity party. 

No physician evaluation, no treatment no nothing, except your dramatic manipulative suicidal inuendos and Hamlet soliloquies.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But you're not doing anything but having a pity party. 

No physician evaluation, no treatment no nothing, except your dramatic manipulative suicidal inuendos and Hamlet soliloquies.

No I have gone to a physician. When I started seeing them I was very up front about not wanting to go on meds for depression. Yes I was diagnosed with depression and all I got for answers was go on anti depressants. 

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Southwest said:

No I have gone to a physician.  I was diagnosed with depression and all I got for answers was go on anti depressants.

So people have tried to help you and offer appropriate treatment but you refused.

Ok. You'll have to find someone to listen to you complain then.

But don't expect dates or a GF to put up with that unless you pay them $ 250/hr to listen to your self defeating drivel.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Southwest said:

I'm sorry i came off this way this weekend has been very hard. I'm coming off a string of rejections from dates that all felt halfway decent. All of them telling me you seem nice lets be friends.  

I never said I wanted a perfect life or ideal love. Yes I said I wanted this specific person. 

Going to a therapist in the past has been a very bad experience for me. Each session ended with me feeling worse and feeling completely empty. 

I understand I rejected alot of the help people offered here and I'm working on that. Idk if I wrote this original post just to vent or actually ask for help. 

I know alot of people have said not to date until I'm feeling better. when you do everything in the book including going to a therapist after the break up to feel better and nothing is working I started to feel the only way out was to try and move on a date other people. For a majority of this time I've been meet with rejection after rejection hearing the same line you seem great but let's be friends. 

I sympathize with your frustration and sadness. It's understandable.

14 hours ago, Southwest said:

Doesn't matter in the end all I want is her, so at this point I just have to accept I won't be with her. In the past few weeks I've just gotten to the point of hoping this life will pass by as quickly as possible.

However, you should know that from a stranger's point of view, your complaints make you sound like a big baby.

Babies throw tantrums and refuse to enjoy themselves or have fun when they don't get exactly what they want. 

It's not an attractive look for an adult.

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18 hours ago, Southwest said:

I even explained to her I've been burned alot in the past

That was bringing your emotional baggage into a new relationship. Plus, you probably always thought she was beyond your league.

At times in my life starting in childhood, I've suffered from anxiety and depression and have many family members who have as well. The bad thing is, is that depression often has you seeing things through a very faulty lens.

When you begin to receive the meds your body needs, and get behavioral therapy, your outlook on life might do a whole 360 and you'll be viewing things far more positively.

After my divorce, over several years I had a failed one year relationship and had to go on dates with about 30 men before I found my future husband. It seemed like a part time job that was time consuming, frustrating and upsetting, but sifting through all that sand before finding the treasure was ultimately worth it.

When you can have the mindset that you're the treasure and any woman will be lucky to have you, then you'll be ready to date. I suggest meet up.com for a less stressful way to meet single women in your age group. Take care.

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Southwest said:

Okay, you weren't comparing. How do I not look at any of this in negtive way? How do I make a positive thing out of knowing I will never have someone like this be into me. 

You don't look at it in a positive way.  You choose to react to your negativity by doing positive things in your life whether that is 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method -google it), volunteer work, vigorous exercise, staying hydrated, listening to a friend and not venting, listening to music you love, reading a good book whether fiction or nonfiction.  Etc etc.  As opposed to choosing to react by venting (other than a five minute pity party per day), by stagnating, by choosing to do things that are not contributing to your care and health or to others.

In the example I gave I gave you examples of things my friend did to choose to react to at traumatic life threatening situation.  None of her choices involved trying to see her cancer in a positive way.  That would have made no sense to her or anyone.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

After my divorce, over several years I had a failed one year relationship and had to go on dates with about 30 men before I found my future husband. It seemed like a part time job that was time consuming, frustrating and upsetting, but sifting through all that sand before finding the treasure was ultimately worth it.

I had a similar experience but went on dates with over 100 men.  I wasn't divorced. But I was engaged twice.  I dated for 24 years on and off, certainly had my heart broken, absolutely felt like a part time job at times.  Yes, stressful, frustrating, and upsetting.  Never ever let myself react by being bitter or jaded for more than a couple of hours after some supremely bad dates. Just got right back to work.  All worth it.

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So people have tried to help you and offer appropriate treatment but you refused.

Ok. You'll have to find someone to listen to you complain then.

But don't expect dates or a GF to put up with that unless you pay them $ 250/hr to listen to your self defeating drivel.

🙄 I just didn't want to go on anti depressants, for a many reasons like weight gain, loss of motivation, loss of self etc. Was this the right choice I don't know. Again this mindset only comes out when I'm alone and struggling. I don't bring this to dates or my relationship. Maybe it bleeds through idk. I spent a long time in my 20s battling depression and no one knew about it. Was this the correct way no. 

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2 hours ago, Andrina said:

That was bringing your emotional baggage into a new relationship. Plus, you probably always thought she was beyond your league.

At times in my life starting in childhood, I've suffered from anxiety and depression and have many family members who have as well. The bad thing is, is that depression often has you seeing things through a very faulty lens.

When you begin to receive the meds your body needs, and get behavioral therapy, your outlook on life might do a whole 360 and you'll be viewing things far more positively.

After my divorce, over several years I had a failed one year relationship and had to go on dates with about 30 men before I found my future husband. It seemed like a part time job that was time consuming, frustrating and upsetting, but sifting through all that sand before finding the treasure was ultimately worth it.

When you can have the mindset that you're the treasure and any woman will be lucky to have you, then you'll be ready to date. I suggest meet up.com for a less stressful way to meet single women in your age group. Take care.

I only brought up my past when she asked specifically about it, she had opened up about her past and how her previous boyfriend had really hurt her emotionally. We both brought emotional baggage into the relationship. I feel it's near impossible for any adult not to have any. I saw this both of use being very deep with each other and showing the scars. However unfortunately I got to relive those scars. While I helped her regain confidence. There was a few moments that people close to her came to me and said "she's doing so much better with you around you've helped her out so much in just a few weeks." I didn't take credit for this I was just enjoying her company and was happy she was enjoying mine.

Thank you for the suggestion on meet up I've never actually used it. Again I do go into dates feeling like a treasure and my confidence is very high. It's been noted by a few woman. Yet I'm still stuck here with dates that end at the first one. 

Yes I know my depression is definitely casuing some faulty lens. However I'm way past 30 dates and getting nowhere. If they are interested which is rare I'm not interested or attracted to them. Again I'm not saying I want someone to settle for me, however I feel like I'm having to give up everything just to have a chance with someone I really don't want.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You don't look at it in a positive way.  You choose to react to your negativity by doing positive things in your life whether that is 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method -google it), volunteer work, vigorous exercise, staying hydrated, listening to a friend and not venting, listening to music you love, reading a good book whether fiction or nonfiction.  Etc etc.  As opposed to choosing to react by venting (other than a five minute pity party per day), by stagnating, by choosing to do things that are not contributing to your care and health or to others.

In the example I gave I gave you examples of things my friend did to choose to react to at traumatic life threatening situation.  None of her choices involved trying to see her cancer in a positive way.  That would have made no sense to her or anyone.

Please believe me I did this I really really did for a long time. Yes I still had moments of reacting negtive to issues, but I did for the most part try hard to do things that were positive.  

When you don't get any positive feed back it starts to erode this process. Yes the positive feed back I wanted was finding a relationship it didn't happen.  After years of working out doing things to keep me occupied, building friendships and being there for people in thier moment of need. I had nothing to show for it. 

I was just that I hate to use this term that good guy or great friend. Friends would always ask why don't you have a girlfriend. My response was usually well she'll come at the right time. 

I know I will never have the pick of the litter, it would be nice to be atleast interested in them. I do feel like I've done alot of inward work and self work on myself and when this last relationship ended because basically I wasnt "man enough" it killed me. 

This will probably sound like more complaining and in a way it is. I'm frustrated and not happy with my future outlook. 

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You seem depressed yet refuse treatment.

If I broke my leg but refused to get it set in a cast because I don't like plaster and I don't want to have to hobble when I walk, yet complained about my leg hurting, what would you suggest?

I know, you'll say it's not the same thing. But you can have your depression treated, you just choose not to. And that's why I speculated that you're getting some kind of enjoyment out of playing the poor, lonely guy who will never find love again.

BTW, if you're posting suicidal ideation on a message board I have to presume you're serious. Please call 911 to get appropriate professional help.

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If you put all your self-worth and confidence into a relationship, it's bound to tank. People are in flux all the time and prone to fail or disappoint. Break ups do happen. There are no guarantees for any relationship.

Why aren't you focusing on other areas of your life? That might boost your outlook overall and not place so much importance on people who aren't right for you in the first place. 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You seem depressed yet refuse treatment. BTW, if you're posting suicidal ideation on a message board I have to presume you're serious. Please call 911 to get appropriate professional help.

Agree. 

Also when did you last see a physician? There are newer medications that don't affect weight, since that's been an issue for you. 

No one gets to be 100 lbs. overweight and lose all that weight without at least some issues connected to that, either emotionally or physically.

Yes call a suicide hotline, they will listen and steer you in the right direction and you don't have to pay anyone or take medication to pick up the phone and talk.

 

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A true connection is hard to find! First dates going nowhere doesn't necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with you, it is just that true connections are not common. 

I know that you had that with your ex-girlfriend, but just because she found a stronger connection with someone else doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy. You definitely deserve to be happy and I know that your person is still out there. 

Although it is cheesy, but the right person truly does come into your life when you least expect. The moment you stop looking for it is the moment you will find it. In the meantime, ask yourself if you are the person you truly want to be. Are you the man that the woman of your dreams would want to be with? Are you reaching your maximum potential? What changes can you make to get there?

Be patient. Love is hard to find but I know it is out there for you. Everything is going to be okay. Much love ❤️ 

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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

Although it is cheesy, but the right person truly does come into your life when you least expect. The moment you stop looking for it is the moment you will find it.

My story could be spun that way but it's not true.  Obviously for some people it is.  What is  true is it won't work if a person is desperate for a match - but "least expect it" and "not looking" - nope not usually.  It's a great romantic spin on things and again my story sounds like that but if I'm accurate about it it's only a part of the story.  Lots of people say this but what they really mean is "don't look in a needy or desperate way".  Or - have a fun, fulfilling life while being 100% honest with yourself that you want a partner and be really proactive about finding that partner -while having a fun fulfilling life which involves other than just looking for a partner.

Edited by Batya33
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6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My story could be spun that way but it's not true.  Obviously for some people it is.  What is  true is it won't work if a person is desperate for a match - but "least expect it" and "not looking" - nope not usually.  It's a great romantic spin on things and again my story sounds like that but if I'm accurate about it it's only a part of the story.  Lots of people say this but what they really mean is "don't look in a needy or desperate way".  Or - have a fun, fulfilling life while being 100% honest with yourself that you want a partner and be really proactive about finding that partner -while having a fun fulfilling life which involves other than just looking for a partner.

Yes, I guess that is essentially what I am saying. I guess I mean that when you are happy and loving life while you are single, then single women who are also happy and loving life will see that and be drawn to your energy. 

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6 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

Yes, I guess that is essentially what I am saying. I guess I mean that when you are happy and loving life while you are single, then single women who are also happy and loving life will see that and be drawn to your energy. 

Yes kinda.  I was always honest with myself that I didn't love my life because loving would require me to meet my goals -marriage and family -which I knew were not guarantees.  But yes, leading an active, fun and fulfilling life.  I had to be the right person to find the right person.

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You seem depressed yet refuse treatment.

If I broke my leg but refused to get it set in a cast because I don't like plaster and I don't want to have to hobble when I walk, yet complained about my leg hurting, what would you suggest?

I know, you'll say it's not the same thing. But you can have your depression treated, you just choose not to. And that's why I speculated that you're getting some kind of enjoyment out of playing the poor, lonely guy who will never find love again.

BTW, if you're posting suicidal ideation on a message board I have to presume you're serious. Please call 911 to get appropriate professional help.

Again I should have not brought that to this forum, this is not the place for that. I was in a bad place this weekend and was lashing out. That is wrong of me. 

I am not having fun with this at all. Yes I do fall into the trap of playing the victim and pity its easy to do. 

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