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Lost my soulmate/dream women


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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, you are presently very close-minded.

WHY you are looking to 'date again, I have no idea ūüėē¬†.

You made this post because YOU have been ramping on about 'losing your soulmate'.

So,, you are still struggling and still reeling over HER.

I think I asked you why you are even going there?

When someone is still 'stuck' on an ex, their mind is still on that.  And you do not even sound near enough to feel okay about getting involved again.

So, why can't you continue to just work through all of this about your experience with her for now?

You are obviously still feeling low about all of that. And wtih feeling so low, I'd hope you are not seeking someone out to 'try' and get over her- that doesn't work.

And to be bothered because you can't seem to 'find' someone who's truly interested in you.. Again, you are bothered by this?  Reality, .. you shouldn't be.

I dont understand why people just can't accept the fact that they will NOT find a  partner again so quickly, without thinking they are at fault for something or degrading themselves.

The world is HUGE with population.  And we just don't 'find the one' with a simple chat & meet up.

Relationships take time.. time to build & get to know the other person and find  out IF you connect at all.

Expectations (being too high), is what adds to your frustrations. 

So, maybe just ease off and calm down.  And IF you can't handle this is how it goes, stop trying.  Just stop 'searching'!

Take some serious down time and live your life.  IF you meet up with someone some day & it goes well, good on you!

But, do not even go there if you ARE still reeling over an ex ūüėē¬†.

 

I eased off and calmed down all through my 20s you know where it got me. Basically zero dates and zero relationships.  No one walked into my life when i was least expecting it. That's why I have this insurgency to find someone. Dating isn't getting any easier the older and uglier I get. I'm watching the small amount of people get into relationships. 

I've tried everything to get over my ex at this point its been over a year. So at this point the only thing that i feel will help is to find someone to fill the whole. 

Is it going to be as good as connection as my last, probably not. I guess the only problem to this is in my mind is I found the one she left so who cares If I screw up the next relationship. I had the best I can get and I wasn't enough. 

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1 hour ago, Southwest said:

I want a relationship I've wanted something meaningful since my late teens. Yet I've alwasy been turned down or dumped.  That's why I'm negtive and so defeated. All I know is pain and let down. They always can and do find someone better then me. 

No. You are negative because you chose that reaction.  My friend died a few weeks ago.  She survived for 5 years with a rare stage four cancer.  In her 40s.  Her son is 10.  And of course  she was more vulnerable to covid too. Before she got sick she was a beautiful person inside and out and a scientist.  The cancer was in her jaw and neck.  One side of her face swelled up and perpetually drooped. 
 

Her son had such a hard time with his mommy being sick and then being at home for covid.  My friend had horrible side effects from chemo.  several hospitalizations for infections. 

She chose life.  She chose to fight till the very end.  She chose to pray.  She chose to love and to give - she chose positive reactions even when she was desperately ill.  She chose to spend time loving on her son. And with her family.  She chose what she could control - her reactions.  

So with all due respect. Give me a break.  Your experiences did not make you negative.  We all have our challenges.  My friend died.  Her son lost his mom.  He loved her so much.  She was a great person who didn’t deserve this tragic illness and ending. please stop blaming your choice of your reactions on your life experiences.   She didn’t. She lost the fight but she didn’t let it win while she was alive.  Don’t give in to your cop out easy way out negative comfort zone.  It is a choice.  I think you know that. 

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1 hour ago, Southwest said:

That's why I have this insurgency to find someone. Dating isn't getting any easier the older and uglier I get. I'm watching the small amount of people get into relationships. 

I've tried everything to get over my ex at this point its been over a year. So at this point the only thing that i feel will help is to find someone to fill the whole. 

No, no... this is where you're getting it wrong.

You seem to have this 'need' to' find someone'.. that's not the way to see all of this.

You don't go out there in 'search of'.. just someone to be involved with.

You be out there, willing AND able.¬† Not because it's been so long.. Not because you've been single for a year+.. Not because ' I am missing my ex' ūüėē¬†.¬†And Not in search to 'find someone to fill the hole'.

And re: this possibility as being same connection as your last.. Again, you are wanting to 'compare'... You just don't!

If you are looking to date again, you aim at this with a 'good frame of mind'.. Meaning you're all together, okay.  You are looking forward to it all.  You are not 'stuck' on your past relationship.

I get the feeling you are  still struggling.  Then deal with that.  Don't look at finding a woman to heal that for you.  Instead, consider some time away from being involved, or someone to 'make you happy', this isn't how it works.

And consider some prof help, if you feel after your year 'single', that you just aren't feeling so good (mental-wise).

Is always best to take your down time, on your own to work on accepting & healing from loss of a relationship- because that's what it is.. A Loss.

You need to deal with those emotions and work through them.. to accept etc.  in order to feel 'okay' again.  And this takes time. So, if you do not yet feel yourself after a year, since.. then keep working on that. ( Obviously you are not a your best.. are you?).

 

Never, did I seek someone out because I was alone, etc.

I did that, when I knew I was no longer sad or struggling with things.

Because, at that point, I had nothing to give.. only my sadness.. my negativity.  And I won't push that onto someone else.

IF I feel I can't do it ( as relationships take effort & energy), I surely will not get involved- knowing I've got issue's I need to deal with..

So, maybe accept you simply are not ready to do this, at this time.. Aim your focus on yourself for a while more.

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34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No. You are negative because you chose that reaction.  My friend died a few weeks ago.  She survived for 5 years with a rare stage four cancer.  In her 40s.  Her son is 10.  And of course  she was more vulnerable to covid too. Before she got sick she was a beautiful person inside and out and a scientist.  The cancer was in her jaw and neck.  One side of her face swelled up and perpetually drooped. 
 

Her son had such a hard time with his mommy being sick and then being at home for covid.  My friend had horrible side effects from chemo.  several hospitalizations for infections. 

She chose life.  She chose to fight till the very end.  She chose to pray.  She chose to love and to give - she chose positive reactions even when she was desperately ill.  She chose to spend time loving on her son. And with her family.  She chose what she could control - her reactions.  

So with all due respect. Give me a break.  Your experiences did not make you negative.  We all have our challenges.  My friend died.  Her son lost his mom.  He loved her so much.  She was a great person who didn’t deserve this tragic illness and ending. please stop blaming your choice of your reactions on your life experiences.   She didn’t. She lost the fight but she didn’t let it win while she was alive.  Don’t give in to your cop out easy way out negative comfort zone.  It is a choice.  I think you know that. 

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, that sounds like a horrible and terrible thing to happen. However i feel no one should compare pains, its not right to look at someone and say hey your pain and trauma is nothing compared to so and so. They kept a good attitude so why can't you? I'm not saying mine is anyway close to what this mother her child or you suffered, but it is a pain that I'm struggling with an a deep level. Being this alone and unwanted has drove me very close to point of saying I'm done with life. 

Again that is a very very sad loss and I sorry you had to go through that.

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No, no... this is where you're getting it wrong.

You seem to have this 'need' to' find someone'.. that's not the way to see all of this.

You don't go out there in 'search of'.. just someone to be involved with.

You be out there, willing AND able.¬† Not because it's been so long.. Not because you've been single for a year+.. Not because ' I am missing my ex' ūüėē¬†.¬†And Not in search to 'find someone to fill the hole'.

And re: this possibility as being same connection as your last.. Again, you are wanting to 'compare'... You just don't!

If you are looking to date again, you aim at this with a 'good frame of mind'.. Meaning you're all together, okay.  You are looking forward to it all.  You are not 'stuck' on your past relationship.

I get the feeling you are  still struggling.  Then deal with that.  Don't look at finding a woman to heal that for you.  Instead, consider some time away from being involved, or someone to 'make you happy', this isn't how it works.

And consider some prof help, if you feel after your year 'single', that you just aren't feeling so good (mental-wise).

Is always best to take your down time, on your own to work on accepting & healing from loss of a relationship- because that's what it is.. A Loss.

You need to deal with those emotions and work through them.. to accept etc.  in order to feel 'okay' again.  And this takes time. So, if you do not yet feel yourself after a year, since.. then keep working on that. ( Obviously you are not a your best.. are you?).

 

 

Doesn't matter in the end all I want is her, so at this point I just have to accept I won't be with her. In the past few weeks I've just gotten to the point of hoping this life will pass by as quickly as possible. 

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2 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Doesn't matter in the end all I want is her, so at this point I just have to accept I won't be with her. In the past few weeks I've just gotten to the point of hoping this life will pass by as quickly as possible.

Okay, so this sounds like depression.. then maybe consider talking to your Dr.. ask for some help ( Maybe some meds & therapy).

Yes, it takes time to accept our losses ūüėē¬†.¬† But t doesn't end there.. So many people have lost someone they really felt so much for - We are emotional beings - hence, we feel!

So, it will take time.. but things can & do improve in time. You just have to keep at it.. and in order to do this, as mentioned many times, we have to stay away from them.. no contact, no following, nothing anymore.

It takes time.. give yourself that.

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5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so this sounds like depression.. then maybe consider talking to your Dr.. ask for some help ( Maybe some meds & therapy).

Yes, it takes time to accept our losses ūüėē¬†.¬† But t doesn't end there.. So many people have lost someone they really felt so much for - We are emotional beings - hence, we feel!

So, it will take time.. but things can & do improve in time. You just have to keep at it.. and in order to do this, as mentioned many times, we have to stay away from them.. no contact, no following, nothing anymore.

It takes time.. give yourself that.

I just can't do it anymore at this point I'm tired of lieing to myself day in and day out. Life gave me someone special and I blew it. 

No amount of meds or therapy can change that or make me be able to process the loss. 

I'm done like I said she was the one and I lost her. I don't want second best. At this point it is frustrating that I can't just end my torment because I'm to afraid. 

 

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49 minutes ago, Southwest said:

No amount of meds or therapy can change that or make me be able to process the loss. I can't just end my torment because I'm to afraid. 

Threating or insinuating suicidal ideation is a medical emergency no one on a forum is equipped to handle.

A forum is a not a substitute for professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you are currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, immediately contact your local  agency or emergency number.

In the United States:

Dial 9-1-1 for emergencies

National Suicide Prevention Hotline - General crisis support / suicide hotline with phone and chat options

Crisis Textline - Crisis and suicide support via text messaging

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2 hours ago, Southwest said:

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, that sounds like a horrible and terrible thing to happen. However i feel no one should compare pains, its not right to look at someone and say hey your pain and trauma is nothing compared to so and so. They kept a good attitude so why can't you? I'm not saying mine is anyway close to what this mother her child or you suffered, but it is a pain that I'm struggling with an a deep level. Being this alone and unwanted has drove me very close to point of saying I'm done with life. 

Again that is a very very sad loss and I sorry you had to go through that.

I was not comparing pain at all.  You said what happened to you caused you to be negative.  No, it didn't -you chose a negative reaction.  I used an example of a friend who decided not to choose negative reactions to traumatic life experiences.  I am not comparing your pain to hers.  I'm explaining with an example that it's hogwash to say your life experiences "caused you" to be negative.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Threating or insinuating suicidal ideation is a medical emergency no one on a forum is equipped to handle.

A forum is a not a substitute for professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you are currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, immediately contact your local  agency or emergency number.

In the United States:

Dial 9-1-1 for emergencies

National Suicide Prevention Hotline - General crisis support / suicide hotline with phone and chat options

Crisis Textline - Crisis and suicide support via text messaging

Sorry i won't bring this up in the forum again.  You are right this isn't the correct space. I'm not in that head space. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I was not comparing pain at all.  You said what happened to you caused you to be negative.  No, it didn't -you chose a negative reaction.  I used an example of a friend who decided not to choose negative reactions to traumatic life experiences.  I am not comparing your pain to hers.  I'm explaining with an example that it's hogwash to say your life experiences "caused you" to be negative.

Okay, you weren't comparing. How do I not look at any of this in negtive way? How do I make a positive thing out of knowing I will never have someone like this be into me. 

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6 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Okay, you weren't comparing. How do I not look at any of this in negtive way? How do I make a positive thing out of knowing I will never have someone like this be into me. 

So you can see into the future?  You know for an absolute fact that no one ever in the next 40 years will want to be with you?

You are choosing to feel sorry for yourself. And that's a shame, because you are young and have so much ahead of you that you can't even imagine.

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10 minutes ago, Southwest said:

  How do I make a positive thing out of knowing I will never have someone like this be into me. 

You DON'T know this.  Unless you are psychic and can see into the future.  That said, it's your gloom and doom attitude and vibes you give which will be the only factor in women not being into you.  Keep it up and you'll be a very lonely person. Change the woe is me, gloom and doom attitude and things will change for you. 

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you can see into the future?  You know for an absolute fact that no one ever in the next 40 years will want to be with you?

You are choosing to feel sorry for yourself. And that's a shame, because you are young and have so much ahead of you that you can't even imagine.

No what I'm saying is I won't have somebody like that will want to be with me like that. Yes I know that there will be others interested however more then likely I will not be interested in them. 

Oh I can imagine what's ahead of me it's a lot of pain. The future follows the past things really don't change for most people. Unless I completely settle and lower my expectations to the ground I won't be finding anyone.

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4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

You DON'T know this.  Unless you are psychic and can see into the future.  That said, it's your gloom and doom attitude and vibes you give which will be the only factor in women not being into you.  Keep it up and you'll be a very lonely person. Change the woe is me, gloom and doom attitude and things will change for you. 

I've tried exactly that...... it just led to a bigger let down.ūüėČ life put me right back into my place I feel. It reminded me for someone reason I can't have someone I like.¬†

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3 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Oh I can imagine what's ahead of me it's a lot of pain. The future follows the past things really don't change for most people. Unless I completely settle and lower my expectations to the ground I won't be finding anyone.

There you go yet AGAIN.  Seems you are not happy unless you find something to moan and groan about. You will find an excuse and a reason in everything and turn it around negatively.  So yes, I agree with you 100% - there is a lot of pain ahead of you, but it's all of your own making.  Your own choice.

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40 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

There you go yet AGAIN.  Seems you are not happy unless you find something to moan and groan about. You will find an excuse and a reason in everything and turn it around negatively.  So yes, I agree with you 100% - there is a lot of pain ahead of you, but it's all of your own making.  Your own choice.

Thank you for agreeing with me. 

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1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

At least you agree that it's all of your own making and your own choice.  Good one.  Sounds like you're enjoying this.

That wasn't meant as being a snide comment or me being sarcastic.  This is not fun for me. I just have a really hard time when people say well you never things could get better. For a majority of people they don't get better. 

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1 hour ago, Southwest said:

No what I'm saying is I won't have somebody like that will want to be with me like that. Yes I know that there will be others interested however more then likely I will not be interested in them. 

Oh I can imagine what's ahead of me it's a lot of pain. The future follows the past things really don't change for most people. Unless I completely settle and lower my expectations to the ground I won't be finding anyone.

I have never once heard a man say this who didn't have unrealistic expectations on the kind of woman he was hoping to end up with.  In other words, he was aiming out of his league.  If you are unattractive (you said you were) and don't have much to offer a woman i.e. other men out there are "better" and the women end up leaving to be with them and it was too good to be true that they/she was/were with you to begin with, then you likely need to evaluate your criteria.

You sound very unpleasant.  You don't want to lower your standards and settle, yet you expect this woman/these women to lower theirs and settle for you?

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I guess if you're enjoying starring in this sad movie scripted by you there isn't much anyone can say that will change your mind.

I wonder what you'll do when a lovely, sweet woman comes along and actually likes you.  Will you turn her away or change the script of your movie?

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23 minutes ago, waffle said:

I have never once heard a man say this who didn't have unrealistic expectations on the kind of woman he was hoping to end up with.  In other words, he was aiming out of his league.  If you are unattractive (you said you were) and don't have much to offer a woman i.e. other men out there are "better" and the women end up leaving to be with them and it was too good to be true that they/she was/were with you to begin with, then you likely need to evaluate your criteria.

You sound very unpleasant.  You don't want to lower your standards and settle, yet you expect this woman/these women to lower theirs and settle for you?

Thank you I'll take that advice into consideration, and yes I must be out of my league. 

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guess if you're enjoying starring in this sad movie scripted by you there isn't much anyone can say that will change your mind.

I wonder what you'll do when a lovely, sweet woman comes along and actually likes you.  Will you turn her away or change the script of your movie?

I'm not enjoying it at all, it's torture. Believe me I wasn't this way when the last one came into my life. I made it a point to be happy and I was terrified I was going to hurt her because she was falling so fast. Then when I finally fell I told her that I loved her and the next day she broke up with me. Only telling me she needed someone more confident in his abilities and I didn't say *** it enough. She literally waked into the arms of her best friend and they moved in with each other a few months later. 

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You're not in a healthy mindset to date and this damsel in distress act is not going to win your ex back.

What I would suggest you do is if you don't want to seek therapy, to do some self reflection. Stop looking at what you don't have but what you do have.

When you start looking at things you should be thankful for, starting with a good health, you might start to see it's not all doom and gloom. I am hoping this strategy might help you see some light out of the tunnel. But this starts with you. Do you want to get out of the tunnel?

Also if your ex broke up with you for her best guy friend, I think there were some flags that you might have overlooked when you were with her?? 

 

 

 

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