Ex needs to focus on herself

[Mf72384]

Hi there, going through a break up atm and finding it really tough! We were together a year and a half, lived together and covid times were hard with work and we drifted apart. We both moved out and went our seperate ways.

A few months later we tried again but the same issues cropped up which were saying I act like I don't care enough and didn't seem to be bothered about seeing her when lockdown ended. I was just struggling to to show it the same as the first year we were together due to certain things which happened in the relationship. We were great together understood each other on a level like no other and I loved this girl like no other in my life. We were meant to be together and it went wrong. We loved each other and she thought I was the best thing since sliced bread and I thought she was too but did not show it enough towards the end and I think it pushed her away. 

Now breakup 2 has happened and I miss her so much. I tried to tell her but it seems she has moved on. Last message last night when I asked does she sees a chance for us in the future, she replied she needs to focus on herself and doesn't want the pressure of thinking about the future or how the future will unfold. I'm not sure what she meant but I have decided to give her the space and just not contact her anymore, work on myself and hope she comes back. 

I am just struggling daily thinking about her, checking her WhatsApp and Instagram and I get the gut feeling she has met someone else and would just prefer if I knew this for sure, when I text she was taking hours to text me back and feel she is just not interested anymore, it could be spending too many needy texts but I really think she has met someone new too. 

Sorry if this is a bit of a mess just wanted to get it out and hope for some advice. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mf72384 said:

breakup 2 has happened. she replied she needs to focus on herself and doesn't want the pressure of thinking about the future or how the future will unfold. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately breakups and heartaches just hurt for a while. 

Were the initial issues ever resolved? Were there different goals in life with regard to where living together was going?

It sounds like you've tried but are just incompatible. Best to stay no contact.

Is this the same women?:

 

[Rose Mosse]

I just reread the earlier thread too^. It does take awhile. Keep yourself busy and leave out the social media checking. If she wants to remain friends let her know you need a break and appreciate space and privacy. This means you move forward and sever your ties so that you leave room for yourself to heal over and grow forwards, meet new people and create new experiences for yourself. 

If you kept in contact during this time, it won't help. It ended for a reason so don't deny yourself acknowledging those reasons. 

Your best bet is starting over and getting back on your feet again - don't leave too much time idle. Pick and choose topics and activities that nurture you, not ones that keep sabotaging your happiness.

 

[Mf72384]

Thanks guys, yeah it's the same women, been going on this long! 

Initial issues were never really resolved, we so should have not started seeing each other again without a long enough break first time I think. 

I will try and not check the social media, I think I keep putting 2 and 2 together and think she has met someone else. I couldn't even entertain that thought of meeting anyone new. I'm guessing it's not a good idea to ask her if I told her yesteday to contact me if she wants to talk about things one day. 

Why would she still follow me and have photos of us on her Instagram? If she wants to focus on herself and doesn't know how the future will unfold? What does she mean by this? 

Sorry for the ranting! Just going through it and is helping to talk about it! 

[gamon]

She follows you because she still misses you to some degree but as you posted on the other thread you really hurt her by telling her you never wanted to speak to her again.

Somethings cannot be unsaid.

Best thing you can do for yourself, and for her is to respect her wish to be apart, and block all her social media since you cannot stop yourself from looking at it. That's the fastest way to get over her and who knows she just might get curious as to where the heck you went and come looking. But don't expect it and don't wait around for it.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Mf72384 said:

I am just struggling daily thinking about her, checking her WhatsApp and Instagram and I get the gut feeling she has met someone else and would just prefer if I knew this for sure, when I text she was taking hours to text me back and feel she is just not interested anymore, it could be spending too many needy texts but I really think she has met someone new too.

No, you can't do this.  Stop harassing her with expectations.  She had her say, now YOU need to respect that.

Best thing to do.. to get over her is NOT focus on all she is doing etc.

Closure, is on you.  Not her.

 

2 hours ago, Mf72384 said:

A few months later we tried again but the same issues cropped up which were saying I act like I don't care enough and didn't seem to be bothered about seeing her when lockdown ended. I was just struggling to to show it the same as the first year we were together due to certain things which happened in the relationship.

You see, things haven't changed or improved.. So BU happened again.

Most often, after the first BU, unless things have changed or been dealt with, same result happens. 😕 .

You need to leave her alone now... work on accepting & moving on. Following her, etc just holds you back.

Best way to do this is No contact..nothing.  So you can work at moving on properly, instead of being stuck.

 

[Batya33]

It doesn't matter what she means.  She could mean she wants to focus on pairing her socks, could mean she met someone else, or she wants to try yoga and meditation.  All that matters is the result -she doesn't want to be with you, has no clue if she'll ever want to be with you, and since that is true what's true is you move on instead of playing games with yourself pretending that finding out what she "means" will change things.  It won't.  Neither will checking her social media.  I'm sorry you're hurt and disappointed.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Mf72384 said:

Why would she still follow me and have photos of us on her Instagram?

Lots of exes do this. It doesn't necessarily mean she still wants to be with you. For dumpers, it's often related to the fact that they're not emotionally attached anymore so it doesn't really bother them to leave photos up or whatever else. They will likely eventually be removed but it's not a big deal to her, it seems. 

 

6 hours ago, Mf72384 said:

If she wants to focus on herself and doesn't know how the future will unfold? What does she mean by this? 

It means that she didn't have the heart to tell you no, she doesn't want to reconnect later. So she tried to be "gentle" in the awkward and misguided way so many do when they're uncomfortable delivering bad news they know will hurt someone. 

After two break-ups, it's time to let go. Maybe she's met someone else, yes, but it doesn't make much difference at this point and it's not your place to ask. You would likely not get a straight answer out of her anyway, honestly. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately " have to work on myself" is a variation of "it's me not you"

[Mf72384]

Thank yo everyone. 

She says she needs to not focus her life so much around me and work on her anxiety which she struggled with. I was good at helping one time but we seemed to lose our way. Its all just very difficult to deal with atm. 

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, Mf72384 said:

Thank yo everyone. 

She says she needs to not focus her life so much around me and work on her anxiety which she struggled with. I was good at helping one time but we seemed to lose our way. Its all just very difficult to deal with atm. 

It's not your problem anymore. Let her fix her issues, wish her well and be on your way. It gets worse before it gets better but it will get better. You'll just have to give yourself a real chance at it instead of looking at her social media updates and torturing yourself continuing to communicate with her. It's not working. Move forwards. 

[No1]

So if I understand it, you loved this woman so much that she told you what was wrong, you didnt listen or adapt to what she was saying, she gave you another chance and you loved her so much, you still didnt give her the attention she wanted? Did I get that correct? She told you, and you either A. Didnt care or B. She wasnt that important. C. She is not the one for you. 

Please dont start with excuses, you had your chance, you blew it and she is out there available to find the one who will pay attention to her. And it doesnt matter if she is seeing someone, having sex with a different guy every night or staying in at home every night. Its her life, she is an X and can do whatever she wants and doesnt have to tell you anything or justify anything. 

BTW.. social media is the devil after a break up. If you look at it and feel bad, its because you wanted to feel horrible. Your curiosity and your weakness is going to keep you down but that is because it is your choice. 

Leave her be and accept that you will not kiss her, hug her or have sex with her again. She has moved on from you. Move on from her, learn from your mistakes and dont make them again with the next girl

[Tinydance]

Personally I think you should block her on social media. It's not because you hate each other but all this checking her social media really doesn't sound healthy. I agree with the others that it doesn't sound like she wants to get back together but for some reason she doesn't just come out and say it. I think she might be slow fading you. But in any case, she knows you want her back so you said what you needed to. I really don't think there's anything else you could actually do.

[Mf72384]

I have taken all the advice on board and decided to deactivate my Instagram for a while and have deleted her number from my phone and am going to move forward. I have to stop letting this consume my life. Its going be hard but will get better and if one day she texts me so be it and if not that's just life and I will learn from the mistakes but either way I will be in a better emotional place than I am now and that's all that matters. 

Thank you everyone for your advice. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Mf72384 said:

 decided to deactivate my Instagram for a while and have deleted her number from my phone .

You don't need to deactivate your social media.

You need to delete And Block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, Mf72384 said:

I have taken all the advice on board and decided to deactivate my Instagram for a while and have deleted her number from my phone and am going to move forward. I have to stop letting this consume my life. Its going be hard but will get better and if one day she texts me so be it and if not that's just life and I will learn from the mistakes but either way I will be in a better emotional place than I am now and that's all that matters. 

Thank you everyone for your advice. 

Are you still leaving that door open? It's usually better not to be too passive when it comes to your own healing and moving forwards. The point is to leave this dust cloud behind and find clearer skies. 

I don't have instagram or social media so I don't relate but if that app is consuming you, find other things that you enjoy doing. Try something new! 

 

 

 

[No1]

Just remember that the sun will still rise and set without her in your life. In other words, you will be just fine. This could be the best thing to happen to you as your life is open to a new woman in your life. I know it seems like its not going to happen but Im going to tell you, its going to happen. Sometimes we have to date other people to find the right one. She will find another guy in time so dont worry about her. 

Now, I know your journey is not going to be easy. I think we have all been there so we understand what you are going thru and what you are going to go thru. You will have your good days and your bad days. Thats normal.. Break ups are simple but hard to get over. So give yourself time. For me a big part is acceptance. I dont think you had to delete your social media but if you felt like you were not going to be strong enough to not look, then thats a good move. You must do what is right for you. 

You will be just fine..