I don't want to suffer anymore

[LonelyRoom]

15 minutes ago, East4 said:

Look, Lonely, from an outsider's perspective, the things she blames you for, this is crazy stuff. This lady is extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive. And it seems unfortunately that you start blaming yourself for her abuse, which is telltale sign of being a victim of psychological abuse. The same dynamics happen when a man punches a woman, and then he blames her for making him angry, so she is at fault. The same things happen to you, just that the abuse is much more insidious, as it is covert, invisible.

Summon your common sense and staying power, Mr. Taurus (if your birthday is in a few days). Taurus people are famous for being too patient, hard to anger and too peaceful and permissive. My brother is also a Taurus and he has allowed his ex fiancée to push many boundaries. One dau he simply had enough, upped and left and never looked back, although he was really hurting. I think, you have been too patient and you serve as your gf's punching back. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Go to a greener pasture, Mr. Taurus. 

When I started this thread I couldn't remember the things that happened over the last year. It's as if my brain forgot them, I knew there was a lot of stress and anxiety, that somehow in the last 6 months I started being afraid, but I couldn't remember the events. Since I started writing more, it's all coming to my mind. Would you believe that one day she started an argument and stonewalled me for a long time because I Googled something that she told me as a fact? Something trivial, it was some statistic value or something, like the percentage of people dying with Covid or something like that. And one day she was driving with her father in the front seat, I was in the back seat, and they were talking with each other. At some point her father tells me something, but I was reading something on my phone and didn't notice. When her father left, she had a go at me and stayed angry and avoinding me for hours. This is not just me, is it? This is not normal, is it?

Like you say, I need to get up and stand on my ground. Decide what I want for my life, write it in stone so that when things calm down I forget about it, and put it in practice.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, LonelyRoom said:

This is not normal, is it?

No, it isn't. 

But you already know that, and don't really need to tell you that. What is in you that is attracted to dysfunction? You say you were shocked when your ex-wife cheated, but I can't fathom how that was so surprising given your rocky history. 

And now this woman wipes her feet on you, too.

Are you afraid of being alone? Do you not feel you can do better than this?

[LonelyRoom]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, it isn't. 

But you already know that, and don't really need to tell you that. What is in you that is attracted to dysfunction? You say you were shocked when your ex-wife cheated, but I can't fathom how that was so surprising given your rocky history. 

And now this woman wipes her feet on you, too.

Are you afraid of being alone? Do you not feel you can do better than this?

I am afraid of being alone, and I'm crying. I am so ashame of not being a stronger person. So ashame MissCanuck.

[East4]

+1 vote for not normal, absolutely not normal. You have been abused and brainwashed to think it is your fault.

I understand you are in a foreign country and change may seem scary. But you are young, you have a job and you can your own place to feel relaxed and free with your boys. The honey moon phase is over. Now she shows you who she really is. Do not let her abuse you and your sons anymore. 

[LonelyRoom]

I will be 44 in 2 days, I only had 3 love partners in my life, I don't have any family besides my mother and live in a foreign country. I don't have any roots here nor any big friends. Everything I have is my health, my brain, my hands and my sons. They are everything to me, and that's why I am struggling so much to fix this. I know that boys leave when they're older, they go and marry and join a new family. What will be of me when that happens in 15 years or so? I'll be in my late 50s.

[LonelyRoom]

This is what's going on in my mind right now:

1. I'm going to stay here for now and avoid conflict at all costs, to protected the children.
2. I'm going to start looking for a place to rent for a minimum of 6 months. I don't want to add the stress of buying a property right now.
3. I'm going to start investing on me: book appointments with friends, go on afterschool activities with my boys. My major concern is that this will generate conflict because she doesn't like me to do things with my sons on our own (although she doesn't them with her son).
4. I am going to up my gym workouts. When my body is tired sometimes the fear and anxiety are lower.
5. I will try my best to not be afraid or panic when I'm being stonewalled.

[LonelyRoom]

My partner just came out of stonewalling me, 24 hours after we had a massive argument because I asked if it would be okay for me to organise my 3 years old son birthday party in co-operation with my ex-wife.

This is what she wrote in a text message just now:

Quote

I'm sorry for my reaction yesterday, I felt so panicked, I feel so insecure about the idea of you spending any time with that woman or wanting to do that, I flew off the handle and then shut down to avoid a fight and it descended into chaos

I replied that I understand how she felt, but that it cannot happen because I'm exhausted and it's destroying me bit by bit. That I feel anxious all the time and that I am blaming myself for everything bad that happens. These are all things I told her before, we're just repeating the same cycle over and over again. I promise you the same thing will happen in a few days, maybe even on my brithday.

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, LonelyRoom said:

I will be 44 in 2 days, I only had 3 love partners in my life, I don't have any family besides my mother and live in a foreign country. 

I'm 40 now too, and also live abroad.

My family is on another continent. I too got wrapped up in something toxic when I first came over here, though thankfully it was short-lived and I had the good sense to get out. Incidentally, he also created chaos on the one birthday I spent with him. Completely destroyed my day. Fortunately, I could foresee the major problems ahead and I tapped out. I met my current partner about a year later (he was 47 at the time) 

It's tempting to overlook serious problems when you otherwise feel alone and isolated. However, it's also one of the unhealthiest things you can do to yourself and your children - especially them, because they have no control over the situation. They need peace and stability, which you very clearly don't have in this relationship. You desperately need to start making your exit from this mess.

[East4]

5 minutes ago, LonelyRoom said:

I will be 44 in 2 days, I only had 3 love partners in my life, I don't have any family besides my mother and live in a foreign country. I don't have any roots here nor any big friends. Everything I have is my health, my brain, my hands and my sons. They are everything to me, and that's why I am struggling so much to fix this. I know that boys leave when they're older, they go and marry and join a new family. What will be of me when that happens in 15 years or so? I'll be in my late 50s.

If you stay with your GF, I can tell you what will happen when you will turn 50, in reference to your scenario. You will be 50, your sons will run away as soon as possible from this abusive environment... and you will either be in a psychiatry, or on  psych meds, and you will be an empty shell of yourself.

Now, let me tell you why I am so certain. I've lived exactly what you are going through: In 2006 I moved from Eastern Europe to a French speaking country because I landed my dream job in an international institution. At work we speak English, but outside work my young son and I felt very isolated because neither one of us spoke French at the time. We had no friends, my son had no support from me to help him with his homework that was all in French. But I was young, healthy, driven and with an excellent job. After 3 years of being by myself I met a local man, he seemed very charming and in love with me and he very quickly moved in with me and my son in my house that I bought. As soon as he moved in my house he quit his mediocre job and was entirely dependent on me, including his two daughters. He grew extremely jealous too and was following me like a hawk, including stalking me after work, or if I tried to see a friend for coffee. He started to keep me awake all night long with scandals and fights, so that I was sleep deprived and this severely impacted my job performance. He said he will make me crazy, and my health insurance from my employer ( I have very good benefits at work) will cover the mortgage, so he will live in my house with his daughters, while I will be committed in a madhouse. He said it was all my fault, because I was resisting his control. The same like you I was scared to leave him, because I had no friends, no family, no support system. Ah, yes, little detail: we got married too.

In the end I told him he had to leave...and he turned extremely nasty and was physically abusive. I did sue him for domestic violence, it took me a lot of time (8 years) dragging through court hearings and a lot of money on attorney's fees, and overcoming the resistance due to the fact that I was a foreigner suing a local national in his country. 

So, if I could do it, as a woman and I was much younger than you then, you can also leave. The sooner you leave, the better, because reading your description of the situation, it is not going to get better, only worse. So, get out of there until you can still do it. You have your health, your job and your sons to motivate you.

[LonelyRoom]

5 minutes ago, East4 said:

If you stay with your GF, I can tell you what will happen when you will turn 50, in reference to your scenario. You will be 50, your sons will run away as soon as possible from this abusive environment... and you will either be in a psychiatry, or on  psych meds, and you will be an empty shell of yourself.

Now, let me tell you why I am so certain. I've lived exactly what you are going through: In 2006 I moved from Eastern Europe to a French speaking country because I landed my dream job in an international institution. At work we speak English, but outside work my young son and I felt very isolated because neither one of us spoke French at the time. We had no friends, my son had no support from me to help him with his homework that was all in French. But I was young, healthy, driven and with an excellent job. After 3 years of being by myself I met a local man, he seemed very charming and in love with me and he very quickly moved in with me and my son in my house that I bought. As soon as he moved in my house he quit his mediocre job and was entirely dependent on me, including his two daughters. He grew extremely jealous too and was following me like a hawk, including stalking me after work, or if I tried to see a friend for coffee. He started to keep me awake all night long with scandals and fights, so that I was sleep deprived and this severely impacted my job performance. He said he will make me crazy, and my health insurance from my employer ( I have very good benefits at work) will cover the mortgage, so he will live in my house with his daughters, while I will be committed in a madhouse. He said it was all my fault, because I was resisting his control. The same like you I was scared to leave him, because I had no friends, no family, no support system. Ah, yes, little detail: we got married too.

In the end I told him he had to leave...and he turned extremely nasty and was physically abusive. I did sue him for domestic violence, it took me a lot of time (8 years) dragging through court hearings and a lot of money on attorney's fees, and overcoming the resistance due to the fact that I was a foreigner suing a local national in his country. 

So, if I could do it, as a woman and I was much younger than you then, you can also leave. The sooner you leave, the better, because reading your description of the situation, it is not going to get better, only worse. So, get out of there until you can still do it. You have your health, your job and your sons to motivate you.

That's a terrible story to read East4. The things you must have gone through, that must have been so frightening. My story is like a walk in the park compared to yours. You are right, I need to get my head up and move forward to give the best to my sons and myself. If you did it, I'll do it too.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

[LonelyRoom]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm 40 now too, and also live abroad.

My family is on another continent. I too got wrapped up in something toxic when I first came over here, though thankfully it was short-lived and I had the good sense to get out. Incidentally, he also created chaos on the one birthday I spent with him. Completely destroyed my day. Fortunately, I could foresee the major problems ahead and I tapped out. I met my current partner about a year later (he was 47 at the time) 

It's tempting to overlook serious problems when you otherwise feel alone and isolated. However, it's also one of the unhealthiest things you can do to yourself and your children - especially them, because they have no control over the situation. They need peace and stability, which you very clearly don't have in this relationship. You desperately need to start making your exit from this mess.

The children don't see any conflict, at least openly, but I am sure they feel the tension and the animosity between us. If there's one thing that my partners does well is to hide conflict from the children, she's much better at that than me. But what they can't see is my happiness, a happy, confident, driven father who can be there for them all the time and help them grow up into happy and respectful men. I don't feel I've done that as I could if I hadn't been involved in all this conflict, especially over the last 6 months or so. And I know that the more than continues, the larger the impact will be. No one wants to be next to an anxious, sad person, especially if they are your parent.

 

[East4]

You are welcome. Happy if somebody else could benefit from my hard lesson. 

P.S: there is a silver lining in every situation, no matter how bad it is... I did learn to speak and write good French, with all the legal proceedings. 

[East4]

One more thing: whatever you do, do not let your work performance suffer. This is your life line to keep you financially afloat you and your kids, in a foreign land.

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, LonelyRoom said:

The children don't see any conflict, at least openly, but I am sure they feel the tension and the animosity between us.

Absolutely. 

They are not clueless. Kids are far more perceptive than adults give them credit for. Even if they don't see the fighting happening and even if they can't identify exactly what is happening, you can be sure they're not unaffected by all of this. 

[LonelyRoom]

1 hour ago, East4 said:

One more thing: whatever you do, do not let your work performance suffer. This is your life line to keep you financially afloat you and your kids, in a foreign land.

This is already happening, it started happening at the end of last year. I can't concentrate, 80% of my brain is drained by the conflict and the fear. I need to tackly that urgently, you are right.

[East4]

Lonely, you really need to preserve your work ethics, because financial independence and strength is the most important type of strength. If you lose your job, then you would be totally dependent on her and helpless. 

If you have a good job and salary, you can up and leave any time. If you are poor and dependent, you are a prisoner. The respect and recognition I've gotten at work and the fact that I have been well off financially, gave me an enormous strength and confidence to fight all the obstacles I faced in my debacle.

You have no objective blockages to leave this bad situation. The blockages are only internal inside you, because you have fears of being alone. But in realistic terms you can free yourself any time you want.

In any case, do not make my mistake to marry her (it becomes very complicated), or merge your finances with her. Keep everything separate.

[boltnrun]

Your kids absolutely know what's going on. They are not stupid or clueless.

Do you think they enjoy seeing you like this?

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, Archer Angel said:

He literally hasn't confronted her. She probably doesn't know what she's doing is wrong. 

It has been an ongoing situation, why would he need a confrontation.  This is who she is.   Nothing will change.  He made a lot of very bad decisions, and it is time to extricate him and the kids.   It is time he puts those kids first and not his fear of being alone.  

[Hollyj]

5 hours ago, LonelyRoom said:

Thank you, this is all 100% true. I did what I had to do to survive back then, and now I'm paying the consequences. I searched for a place to rent a few times, and devised a plan to talk to my oldest son, but then things get better between us and I loose my strenght.

I come across as a weak, broken man. I am not defending myself, but I am not this weak. When things need to be done, I do then. I went through a lot in my life, but in this case, it's the fear of damaging my children that's keeping me here. I don't really know if staying will be worse for them. Maybe this is something I need to address with therapy.

You are damaging your kids by keeping them there.  Do you really think they like to see their father treated like an emotional punching bag?  You never should  have moved in with her.  

 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, LonelyRoom said:

I just can't get myself to do it, there are so many things to put in place, another chat with the kids about separation, another house, another move, the idea of being alone on the days they aren't with me, all of that makes me think if there's anything else I can do to make this relationship work. 

I see your fear - BUT, you NEED to overcome that.

You have a million things going on in your head.... Kids do okay, but they won't in a toxic environment.

YOU have been affected by 2 relationships... Yeah, this was a mistake and you know this. But do NOT stay with someone like this just because YOU are so uncertain...

I am sure you do see how you are now....

Can you go to your mom's for a bit w/ the kids? Then get an apt or something..?

All it takes.. is one big move.. To act!

I get it, you feel stuck - so overwhellmed.. But, when I had to leave for my own sanity and the kids, I arranged with my parents a move-out date, when he was at work... I left, went to their place .

If you need your moms help, tell her....

Why are the kids with you, not their mother? (because she just walked away?  is she close to them?)

I really hope you do see.. that you need to do this... Not do nothing because you are in fear.

Believe.... deep inside you know you can do this.  You know you need to. Therefore, you can!

One step at a time.... but get planning.  I know many who have had to get out of situations like this. I know another single father with a toxic ex.  I know, the challenges.. But you CAN do this.

[tattoobunnie]

8 hours ago, Archer Angel said:

He literally hasn't confronted her. She probably doesn't know what she's doing is wrong. 

Doubtful considering they're in therapy together for this super short and moved to fast relationship.  She's sounds like a nutbag.  And OP fears being alone.

OP, stop eating poop just to get to the M&M that may be hidden in the middle.  Your kids appear happy, but what makes them really happy, is your SANITY! Don't ever be afraid to walk away from someone who makes you feel like sh*t just for being yourself.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LonelyRoom said:

 We had the objective of remortgaging the house in both names

Keep things separate. Don't discuss that with her. Simply say anything. But do not entangle yourself and your kids further in this. 

You need to see a physician about the chronic depression, anxiety, etc.

It's a vicious circle to keep getting in bad relationships because of bad judgement (depression) which in turn worsens the depression/anxiety.

Also if you drink, don't sleep or eat well, etc., it will exacerbate things.

[LonelyRoom]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Can you go to your mom's for a bit w/ the kids? Then get an apt or something..?

Why are the kids with you, not their mother? (because she just walked away?  is she close to them?)

I really hope you do see.. that you need to do this... Not do nothing because you are in fear.

Thank you SooSad33, I don't have any family in this country, the only family I have is my mother and she lives in the country where I was born.

I co-parent the boys with their mother, they stay half of the time with their mother and another half with me, it's wonderful, and sometimes I can see them every day because of swimming, afterschool classes, etc.. I really like it and I really think I have a great parenting relationship with my ex, even though everything she did to me over the years.

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep things separate. Don't discuss that with her. Simply say anything. But do not entangle yourself and your kids further in this. 

You need to see a physician about the chronic depression, anxiety, etc.

It's a vicious circle to keep getting in bad relationships because of bad judgement (depression) which in turn worsens the depression/anxiety.

Also if you drink, don't sleep or eat well, etc., it will exacerbate things.

I am not going to do anyting financially wise, it's good advice. She hasn't brought the subject yet.

Thank you Wiseman2, that's good advice. I do suffer from depression and anxiety since I was 28. I tend to trust people, that's my problem. I fail to realise that someone who's wonderful and loving when things are good might turn into a bad company otherwise. That's my problem, I give everything very quickly.

No drinking at all, sleep was really bad along the years but has been good since I did sleep training with a clinical team a year ago after the separation.

[Rose Mosse]

I just see a very unhappy man. If she's not good for you, let her go. You can start over again. Things aren't going to right themselves if you're inert and unwilling to make those changes you wish to see. I hope things get better for you. Stay single for awhile if you end this relationship. Don't get into the same issues again in a new relationship.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Archer Angel said:

You do know depression and anxiety are two different things right? 

Really, wow. So you are really his psychiatrist posing as an clueless agitator/troll? 🙀