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  1. Thank you SooSad33, I don't have any family in this country, the only family I have is my mother and she lives in the country where I was born. I co-parent the boys with their mother, they stay half of the time with their mother and another half with me, it's wonderful, and sometimes I can see them every day because of swimming, afterschool classes, etc.. I really like it and I really think I have a great parenting relationship with my ex, even though everything she did to me over the years. I am not going to do anyting financially wise, it's good advice. She hasn't brought the subject yet. Thank you Wiseman2, that's good advice. I do suffer from depression and anxiety since I was 28. I tend to trust people, that's my problem. I fail to realise that someone who's wonderful and loving when things are good might turn into a bad company otherwise. That's my problem, I give everything very quickly. No drinking at all, sleep was really bad along the years but has been good since I did sleep training with a clinical team a year ago after the separation.
  2. This is already happening, it started happening at the end of last year. I can't concentrate, 80% of my brain is drained by the conflict and the fear. I need to tackly that urgently, you are right.
  3. The children don't see any conflict, at least openly, but I am sure they feel the tension and the animosity between us. If there's one thing that my partners does well is to hide conflict from the children, she's much better at that than me. But what they can't see is my happiness, a happy, confident, driven father who can be there for them all the time and help them grow up into happy and respectful men. I don't feel I've done that as I could if I hadn't been involved in all this conflict, especially over the last 6 months or so. And I know that the more than continues, the larger the impact will be. No one wants to be next to an anxious, sad person, especially if they are your parent.
  4. That's a terrible story to read East4. The things you must have gone through, that must have been so frightening. My story is like a walk in the park compared to yours. You are right, I need to get my head up and move forward to give the best to my sons and myself. If you did it, I'll do it too. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
  5. Hello, I am a 43 years old man, 44 in a few days, and have been on these forums since 2011. I only posted a few times, when I couldn't find help anywhere else. Being here makes the pain of loneliness more bearable. I met my ex-wife in 2007 and we married in 2010. She left me in 2011 and we were separated for a year. I suspected she had an affair with a co-worker back then. We eventually got back together and we had a wonderful son in 2013. And another gorgeous one in 2017. I never felt loved by my wife and we never had a happy sexual life, although we never had much conflict and always tolerated each other. Last year my wife asked for a divorce at the beginning of Covid lockdown. This was the most frightening and shocking thing of my life. Eventually I found out she was having an affair with her boss and they have been living together since then. Since we separated we have been corteous and polite with each other, for our children. I think we have a good parenting relationship, although I still have strong feelings inside of me. There's a whole thread on my profile about this. In the summer last year I met a woman and things seemed amazing. We were a match in many important aspects of life, principles and sex. We had a lot of fun in the first few months and, because of lockdown and her situation back then, we decided to merge our two families (she has a son the age of my eldest). Problems started soon after: she became very intolerant to pretty much anything outside her opinions and likings. First it was my inoffensive hobbies, which she described as addictions (I stopped them), then the contact I had with friends (I toned it down), things that I said, everything was a reason for her to become moody and withdraw for days. This was terrifying to me, considering what happened with my ex-wife. Any conflict, any of her stone-walling, was extremely painful to me. Time passed, our children got more and more close to each other and we got deeper and deepder into the relationship, with constant conflict. I got to a point where I was having panic attacks at the idea of conflict, I went to extreme measures to avoid it at all costs, even communicating with my oldest son through Messenger from rooms next to each other because she didn't want the kids constantly getting out of their rooms during home-schooling. I had to sell my house due to the divorce and we eventually moved together to another house. Things got worse, to the point that we've been having extreme conflict every two days for any and every reason, even trivial ones: the baby light in my 3 years old son room, when I ask her to take her dog out of the room when we're having sex, the fact that she hears my ex-wife's voice when she's video-chatting my sons when they're with me, the fact that I met friends, when I'm 12 minutes late to leave the house. And countless other things. All of those take her into an extreme moodiness state, she withdraws, stops talking to me, becomes rude. It's a horrible situation to be when that happens and, as I said, I got to a point where I have panic attacks. I don't know what to do. I don't want to put my sons through another separation, a year after they "lost" their birth family. They are happy here, they are friends with my partner's son, they have a nice house. But I am suffering, I don't know what I feel for my partner anymore, I don't feel attraction, desire, care, nothing. The only thing I see in my mind is the moody face, the way she walks and talks when she's stone-walling me. It's terrifying and my job has been impacted by all of this (I can't concentrate properly) to the point that I'm starting to be concerned about it. For example, my youngest son's birthday is next month. As my ex-wife and I have a good co-parenting relationship, I thought about having a small joint birthday party, for an hour or so, with some of my son's friends and family kids. I talked with my partner about it and it took her immediately into a extreme reaction and we haven't spoken since then. She went into her son's bedroom all evening and just went upstairs to our bedroom half hour ago. I'm in the living room typing this terrified of going upstairs and of what tomorrow will bring me. We had a couples councelling session last week were the therapist advised us to have "30 minutes timeouts" for the time being, until the next session. The day after the session we started to have a fight, I felt the anxiety and asked for a timeout. She didn't like it and when the timeout was over she didn't accept me back and was moody with me for a day. She decided to have a 24 hours timeout instead of a 30 minutes one. I really don't know what to do. My mother tells me to leave her, that the boys are going to be okay, but I am affraid of the consequences and affraid of being alone in life. I have no family in this country and only a hand-full of friends. I would be extremely grateful to hear your words, of support, advice, even words against me, something that shakes me, anything. Thank you so much for reading this.
  6. The last couple of days have been particularly bad. I am enjoying more and more the company of my new partner, and I started to appreciate her for her differences rather than comparing her to my wife. She's a very different woman, more wise, mature and giving. But over the last days, because I see my wife several times during the week due to handing over our kids, have been tough. Everytime I see her I am reminded of how attracted I am to her, how I still love her. Last Sunday she invited me to have dinner at her with the kids, and I left immediately after dinner was over. The day before we went to a drive and a walk as a family. But I know that she's in constant contact with her lover and that she's probably just using me for company or to mitigate guilt or whatever. It's impressive that I delt with all the other potentially strong aspects of the separation, like not seeing the kids every day, being alone during the lock down, dealing with the perspective of not having another relationship, etc., and this is the single thing that is keeping me behind. The love and attaction I have for her and the pain of the betrayal with that man.
  7. I am not using anyone. I haven't lied to her, she's in this relationship at her own will. I like her company, I feel attracted to her, I admire her personality. What I did write above is that I find myself comparing her to me wife, and that I still find my wife more attractive. That's what makes me sad. I don't care with the pandemic. I see people constantly ignoring it all over the place, I don't think two poor souls getting together will make anything worse.
  8. You are right. When I look back to the last week and try to understand what happened, I can't. It's as if I was acting on autopolit. The pain, lack of sleep and the fear were to high, and still are, that I guess I did that as a survival instinct. I know it sounds crazy, but right now I have a bit more clarity of mind and wouldn't have done it. I think what other people wrote here is true. Somehow my wife never really had in her heart what she needed to stay with me, and it was enough that a 16 years older boss to work a bit on her for her to let me go. For her to end this family. That speaks a lot about her feelings, and I actually feel sad and sorry for her. I understand how that can happen, what I don't understand is how she could live with me for 13 years, in a 10 years marriage, having 2 children, without ever telling me that. Our last year was one of the best we ever had, we had a great holiday, we went of a few long weekends away, the kids are thriving. She was flirtier than ever, sex life was decent. She even gave me a Valentine's card this February with words of love and saying "here's to many of these", something she has never done before. That's why the shock was so massive to me. I also regret the way she delivered it, the words she used, her actions and the timing she chose to do it, during the lock down. She told me all of that when I was offering her my support for her sadness. And then, after delivering the message, she acted as if she was the happiest person in the world. How is that possible? If I had said those words to someone else, I would be suffering guild and pain. She was just happy, constantly chatting with the other man. I have a video chat with a therapist this afternoon. I need help to understand what I am going through. The love and attraction I have for her are scary, I constantly have in my head fears of never forgetting her, of not moving on, especially since we see each other a few times a week because of the kids. Just the thought of the smell of her hair, the touch of her skin, the beauty of her feet, those thoughts are in my head and they just hurt like mad, knowing that she's gone and that that man will have them all.
  9. Thank you Smackie, the words you wrote I already had them in my head. I am quite inexperient in these things. I only had 2 partners in my life (3 now) and I don't know how to proceed. I like the company of my new partner, she's nice, supportive and wonderful. Maybe if I met her 6 months from now I would feel different. But I just can't get from her the same attraction I still feel from my wife. I feel like I have to end this new relationship as soon as possible, but then my mind tells me, what if I can't find anyone else? What if I will be stuck with this attraction for me wife? At least being with this new woman gives me some self-esteem, but it's done in a very selfish way, and I feel bad for doing it. But it's good to hear words from her that I never heard from my wife, and to be able to tell her similar words, and I do feel them, and see the smile on her face, and how her eyes close from being shy. But it's too soon. I know it's too soon and that this is wrong.
  10. Hello, I've been on and off these forums for 9 years now. It is where I go when all my other options are gone, and I feel that this is an emotional haven. You can find my background on the last post I wrote 5 years ago. To cut a long story short: 4 weeks ago my wife asked for a divorce, out of the blue. Why do I say out of the blue after what I wrote 5 years ago? Because things have actually been good between us. We had another child 3 years ago, we don't have arguments, we enjoy moments with each other. Since the lock down here in the UK, my wife (39) was sad, down and constantly on her phone. She didn't pay much attention to me (43) or our children (7 and 3). I decided to find little things to cheer her up, like games, made handcrafts with our children to give her, bought her favourite treats, etc.. But nothing, they had no effect. 4 weeks ago I offered her my support, told her that she can talk to me and that's why I was there. She then asked me: "What if the problem is you?" and my world fell apart. She proceeded to tell me that she never really loved me, that she didn't want to marry, she didn't want my affection or intimacy and that she only did all those things because she felt that it was what she was supposed to do, not what she felt like doing. She told me that she needs those things, but not from me. Those were the hardest words I heard in my life, and I grew with an abbusive father. I offered her my understanding, because I was in shock. The only thing I remember being able to do was to keep calm and agree with her for the sake of our children, because I was scared of not being able to see them in the future or being a weekend dad. I asked if what she wanted was a divorce, and she said yes. I asked if there was any hope for us, and she said she didn't have much hope. The following day she was happy, very happy. Singing, listening to music, painting her nails, etc.. It was all very surreal to me because I was still in shock. And she was constantly on her phone. I saw her taking photos of her nails and that gave me a gut feeling. 2 days later I did something I never done before: I checked her phone. And it was all there: words that she never told me, being told to her manager at work. I was devastated. I told her I found out and I could see the terror in her eyes. It was all out now. Their plan to wait a few months after the divorce to show their relationship, her love feelings for him, the way they talked about me, it was all out. We talked for an hour and she reafirmed that she wants the divorce. I continued calm and cooperative, and I've been like that since then. Didn't raise my voice a single time. Didn't show and angriness or pain. I asked her to stop any contact with her lover while she was still living in the house with me and the children. It took her a while to understand my point of view, and she said it wasn't fair because I was asking her to give up the only happiness she was having. I told her that I didn't want to trade her happiness at the expense of mine. She agreed, but then spent a few days in the worst I've seen her since I met her. Constantly crying, asking me for hugs, asking me to sleep in our bed because she was alone. All of that because she couldn't contact the other man. She eventually put herself together and started cheering up. During this time, I continued giving her my support. How daft am I? But I started to suffer inside, as soon as the initial shock was gone. The fear and pain were 10 fold more than anything I felt before. My self-esteem was completely gone, I felt like the ugliest and most useless man in the word. I felt like I would never find anyone again, and that would spend the days I didn't have my children with me alone and suffering. I lost 13 Kg (2 stones) and stopped sleeping. All my little remaining energy was used to make sure my children didn't notice anyting and that my relationship with my wife was civil. 2 weeks ago my wife left, and I started my life alone, when the children aren't with me. The loneliness is unbearable, aggravated by the COVID-19 lock down. I don't have any family in this country and the few friends I have I can't reach them. My only lines of support and my family doctor and the Samaritans. It's with them that I cry when I can't bear anymore. I love her so much. She's everything I ever wanted, my passion for her is the same as when the day I met her. And I still have an infinite physical attraction for her. How is this possible, considering what she has done to me and what I wrote 5 years ago? My self-esteem was so low that I decided to join an online dating site just over a week ago. I met someone there and we have been seeing each other. She's wonderful and emotionally much more mature and supportive than my wife. We became intimate but I don't feel for her the same attraction that I feel for my wife. Although I know that my new partner is emotionally miles ahead from my wife, I can't feel attracted to her due to the way I still feel for my wife. I feel that I am on the verge of messing things up. Of getting even more hurt or, worse, hurting someone else. I still spend my days thinking about my wife getting back, I am improving my looks for her, I am thinking about buying a new car just to impress her. Why am I doing this, given what she made me suffer? I don't know what to do... Sorry for the long text, but this is my story. I am in so much pain.
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