Am i a bad boyfriend?

[xShafty]

So i've been together with my girlfriend for almsot 10 months, everything went grate in the beginning, i had the best 10 months in my entire life with her and if anything ever happend between us i would die of guilt and dissapointment. So I'm asking this as an opinion from someone that i dont know so i can refresh my view of out relationship.

We dont really have any big problems, but i want to give the world to her and i want to try to improve to be my best version for her. about a week ago we had an argument, we were going to hangout and celebrate a holiday and she invited a friend of her that she's known for over 3 years. I personaly dont really like this person, the reason behind me not liking him is either the fact that my girlfriend and him has has sex before, or that he's not really that nice to me, he constantly says inappropriate things to her and me like "you and me has has a past before *name of girlfriend* and those days are over since you have a boyfriend but i've really made a change for you (indecating the time they had sex)" or like the time when he kissed her on the forehead saying "your a really grate friend" (we were all on XTC at this time and i didn't really mind then since we were still new to the relationship). Anyways she invited him over without asking me, which is completly fine since they are really good frineds, but i got really mad over this since she knows i dont really like this friend, am i in the wrong for being mad at this? Am i a toxic boyfriend if i dont want here to still be friends with this guy? Another problem is, this guy is in a friends group with alot of people, and her not being friends with this guy would force her to stop being friends (or atleast make her not get to meet her friends as often) which i really dont want, since i dont want here to lose friend because of my insecurity. What should i do in this situation?

Secondly, sometimes guys messages her whicha are clearly hitting on her, as a guy i can easier see when a guy is hitting on her, and when i tell her "that guy is clearly hitting on you why are you even talking to him" she replys "i think he's just being nice" and as i see the conversation keep on the guy drops the bomb saying things like "i think you are really pretty do you have a boyfriends ect" and my girlfriends replys that she has, but when is it reasonable to ask my girlfriend to stop talking to a guy without being toxic? I want her to meet new friends but at the same time my insecurity sometimes makes me overthink situations which make me sometimes take out my insecurity on her.

my quesitions; when is it okay for me to not want my girlfriend to talk to other guys? is it toxic of me to ask her not to meet a guy? Any tips on how i can handle my insecurity? I really want my girlfriend to live a happy life and i have noticed how my insecurity has gotten worse latley and i dont want it to progress to get any worse

[xoxoc]

In my personal opinion, you need to have a serious talk with her about this. Sit her down and tell her how it makes you feel when she behaves this way. Jealousy can be toxic and just insecurities, but if she’s actively entertaining other men that’s not a good sign. If you think she can’t be friends with or talk to guys, that’s a bit much, but when she’s allowing them to flirt with her or kiss her forehead or talking to men she has history with, that is not ok. Don’t tell her she can’t do that stuff, but express to her that it upsets you and makes you insecure and let her do what she thinks is best with that information. If her behavior doesn’t stop after you’ve told her that it hurts you, as much as it hurts it’s best for you to end things and move on. I know when you’re younger 10 months can seem like a long time, but it’s such a small portion of your life and there are plenty of other girls out there who will respect your feelings and boundaries.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Why is she hanging out with exes and inviting them to parties? 

You can't be controlling or parental and ask her not to have friends. 

However 40 weeks into dating is a good time to step back and observe if  she has appropriate boundaries with exes, fwb, hookups, etc.

Don't police anyone's friends, but do observe if she needs a collection of former sex partners around and why.

 

[MissCanuck]

44 minutes ago, xShafty said:

Anyways she invited him over without asking me, which is completly fine since they are really good frineds, but i got really mad over this since she knows i dont really like this friend,

You need to be honest with yourself here, OP. You completely contradict yourself and I think it's because you are afraid of asserting yourself. 

You're obviously not completely fine with this, so you need to stop pretending you are. Your girlfriend lacks boundaries with these guys. You need to find your voice and speak up. You can't tell her what to do, but you can state your boundaries. It's completely okay to be uncomfortable with her engaging guys who are hitting on her. 

If she does not agree with your boundaries and continues to entertain these dopes, well, it's time to find a new girlfriend. 

[xShafty]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to be honest with yourself here, OP. You completely contradict yourself and I think it's because you are afraid of asserting yourself. 

You're obviously not completely fine with this, so you need to stop pretending you are. Your girlfriend lacks boundaries with these guys. You need to find your voice and speak up. You can't tell her what to do, but you can state your boundaries. It's completely okay to be uncomfortable with her engaging guys who are hitting on her. 

If she does not agree with your boundaries and continues to entertain these dopes, well, it's time to find a new girlfriend. 

Alright, after making several posts over the internet i realised that in quite toxic, and will be making dastic changes to impove myself. and to reply to what you stated before, i didn't have a problem with her inviting someone without asking me. The problem i had with the situation was the fact that I've had several arguments with my girlfriend regarding this guy and she knows that he makes me feel worthless and makes me feel insecure. In her defence me and the guy had a talk a couple months ago where he apologized, everything went well a couple weeks and now he's back to being toixc and rude. Which i have not told her about becuase i dont want to fight with her. I was looking forward to having a nice meet and greet with my friends that i feel 100% comfortable with untill she invited him over. She also apoligized after for not asking me first, which was when i realised that i'm probrably the one that's toxic that i needed to fix my problems before it gets worse.

What i've realised after making these posts.

1. If she didn't like me she wouldn't be with me, she's the last person in the world that would cheat on someone and it's ridiculous of me having second thoughts since she's constantly calling me everyday, asking for my opinions for our future apartment (where we shoud live, how we should decorate out apartment ect) 

2. I'm an overthinker, i overthink alot, and my insecurities shound not be taken out on her.

3. If another guy hits on her i should calm down and not overreact so much, it's not her fault for looking good. 

3. sometimes she just dosn't understand when a guy is being friendly and is hitting on her and as i stated before, she would never cheat on me so i shouldn't get mad/irritated if anything like this happens. 

I also want to state that from everything i've said i know it might seem as if i'm a very toxic person, but me and my girlfriend has a very open relationship and we always talk about our feeling and 95% of the time we find a solution that makes us both happy. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, xShafty said:

sometimes she just dosn't understand when a guy is being friendly and is hitting on her

OP, come on. 

Of course she knows. She isn't dumb or naive. 

What you don't want to realize is that your girlfriend is very much part of the problem. Not your insecurity or "overthinking." Not you being "toxic." She is the issue. She is the one making poor choices with these guys. 

Unless and until you are ready to see that, this won't change because you're too afraid to hold her accountable and admit that she's not the wonderful girlfriend you want her to be. 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, xShafty said:

3. If another guy hits on her i should calm down and not overreact so much, it's not her fault for looking good. 

3. sometimes she just dosn't understand when a guy is being friendly and is hitting on her and as i stated before, she would never cheat on me so i shouldn't get mad/irritated if anything like this happens.

You're an adult and should know what a friend is. Do your friends flirt with you?

I know what it means to be a woman in a committed relationship. I shut down guys who make a play for me. Game over. She's giving her phone number to guys who don't even know she has a bf at that point? Seems like she doesn't have any discretion of who she gives her number out to. She loves the attention.

An ex who doesn't champion your relationship? He's no friend. He's competition, jealous of your relationship with her.

She values a male harem over having a serious relationship with you. That's how she rolls.

No talk will change her. And when a relationship is regularly upsetting, it means it's the wrong one for you.

Her attractiveness is clouding your judgement. Your low self esteem is subconsciously telling you this is all you deserve in life. To be treated like a doormat.

Guess what? There are attractive women out there who don't need the attention of a male harem. Wouldn't that be heaven, not to live a life of feeling so crappy you have to post problems like this on a forum? I dated a guy about a mere 6 weeks until I saw similar behavior on his end and walked away. No thank you. This freed me to eventually find someone who shared my relationship boundaries. That's the secret to find the right one. Cut off the losers as soon as you see their poor behavior.

[Hollyj]

Your gf is the one who is toxic.  She does not respect you, and puts her attention-seeking above your relationship.  

She knows that he still likes her, as he has been quite clear and flirts with her.   It is even worse that he flirts with her in front of you.  Honestly, I can't understand why you have continued.  I think that you need to find a new gf and establish stronger boundaries in your relationships, you have allowed her to completely disrespect you.

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, xShafty said:

Alright, after making several posts over the internet i realised that in quite toxic, and will be making dastic changes to impove myself. and to reply to what you stated before, i didn't have a problem with her inviting someone without asking me. The problem i had with the situation was the fact that I've had several arguments with my girlfriend regarding this guy and she knows that he makes me feel worthless and makes me feel insecure. In her defence me and the guy had a talk a couple months ago where he apologized, everything went well a couple weeks and now he's back to being toixc and rude. Which i have not told her about becuase i dont want to fight with her. I was looking forward to having a nice meet and greet with my friends that i feel 100% comfortable with untill she invited him over. She also apoligized after for not asking me first, which was when i realised that i'm probrably the one that's toxic that i needed to fix my problems before it gets worse.

What i've realised after making these posts.

1. If she didn't like me she wouldn't be with me, she's the last person in the world that would cheat on someone and it's ridiculous of me having second thoughts since she's constantly calling me everyday, asking for my opinions for our future apartment (where we shoud live, how we should decorate out apartment ect) 

2. I'm an overthinker, i overthink alot, and my insecurities shound not be taken out on her.

3. If another guy hits on her i should calm down and not overreact so much, it's not her fault for looking good. 

3. sometimes she just dosn't understand when a guy is being friendly and is hitting on her and as i stated before, she would never cheat on me so i shouldn't get mad/irritated if anything like this happens. 

I also want to state that from everything i've said i know it might seem as if i'm a very toxic person, but me and my girlfriend has a very open relationship and we always talk about our feeling and 95% of the time we find a solution that makes us both happy. 

I don't understand why you are taking responsibility for this.  Her behavior is inappropriate.   She has allowed and invited a lot of bad behavior.   Stop being such a doormat!

Your gf is the problem.  Wake up!  Please address your low self esteem issues.

[Kwothe28]

You are not bad or "toxic", jealousy is kinda a normal thing to a degree. However you cant really forbid her anything, you should at least trust her enough that nothing will happen. However, you should say to her that you are not comfortable with that. There is really nothing wrong with you not wanting her to see her exes or guys who hit on her.

[smackie9]

Dude I really don't know why you roll out the red carpet for this girl. Her relationship with this"friend" is not appropriate. In fact I would call it scandalous.

You can have a talk with her, and express what you expect to change.....sending this guy packing....BUT for now you are being played a fool by this girl. Take a step back and visualize seeing one of your buddies being treated this way by his GF, and think, what advice would you give your friend?....you would most likely say boot this chick to the curb.

[xShafty]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You're an adult and should know what a friend is. Do your friends flirt with you?

I know what it means to be a woman in a committed relationship. I shut down guys who make a play for me. Game over. She's giving her phone number to guys who don't even know she has a bf at that point? Seems like she doesn't have any discretion of who she gives her number out to. She loves the attention.

An ex who doesn't champion your relationship? He's no friend. He's competition, jealous of your relationship with her.

She values a male harem over having a serious relationship with you. That's how she rolls.

No talk will change her. And when a relationship is regularly upsetting, it means it's the wrong one for you.

Her attractiveness is clouding your judgement. Your low self esteem is subconsciously telling you this is all you deserve in life. To be treated like a doormat.

Guess what? There are attractive women out there who don't need the attention of a male harem. Wouldn't that be heaven, not to live a life of feeling so crappy you have to post problems like this on a forum? I dated a guy about a mere 6 weeks until I saw similar behavior on his end and walked away. No thank you. This freed me to eventually find someone who shared my relationship boundaries. That's the secret to find the right one. Cut off the losers as soon as you see their poor behavior.

I'm gussing you're older than i am, I'm 20 years old, and my girlfriend has never, ever given out her phone number, she has an instagram and that's where people contact her, she never asked for that, and the person that she was talking to in this instance was a friend of a friend. How is she suppose to know when a guy is flirting with her if he's only saying things like "you used to know "xxx" from highschool right". It's not like she kept on talking to the guy after she realised he was flirting. And how is it toxic of her to meet her friends? None of you make any sense, sure i sometimes lay out the red carpet for her and she does the same for me, i dont feel in anyway that i am the one doing all the work in the relationship. It's not like she flirts with her friend in anyother way than talking to him (i dont consider that flirting). And the times this guy has said inappropriate things she's asked him to stop. I've realised now that i might have painted her as someone toxic, which is really not the case. 

One more thing i need to add, I'm not the only person this guy does this to. He's talked infront of other people who he's had a one night stand with who are in a relationship and done the same thing, he might not have kissed them but talked about them having sex, this guy has dosen't know when he's stepping over the line. And i will also add that once she realises a guy is flirting with her she stops talking to them.  

[Rose Mosse]

Has it occurred to you not to look at people as toxic but to evaluate whether a situation is toxic/unhealthy/incompatible? 

The lens is too close and you're trying to classify people. Evaluate behaviours instead and the situation. Both her and you approach your friends differently. Do you have female friends who create doubt in the relationship? There needs to be some likeness or similarity in the way you both approach your values and goals in a relationship or outside of it. 

If you can't see yourself with this person, don't go that way. We cannot change people to our liking or ask someone to lose their friends or the people they choose in their life. You both sound like you've had numerous conversations about this but she is who she is. That is not going to change. 

You are the one who has to make a decision about whether you can accept this. 

[DancingFool]

You have two separate issues here.

One is that no, you cannot control who hits on her and neither can she. Also, you cannot dictate to her how to respond to that. It doesn't matter that you can read the guy's intentions faster and better than she can. ALL that matter is once she becomes aware on her own time and terms, does she assert boundaries? If yes, then you have nothing to worry about and need to trust your partner to handle their life and friendships/interactions with the opposite sex. If you can't trust them, either work on yourself or step away from the relationship. Do not ever seek to control that.

Second is this particular guy. He is blatantly disrespectful to you, to your relationship, and to your gf. Yet she continues to befriend him and invite him to do things and that's not cool. This is where you can actually step up and assert boundaries. Meaning that you can tell her that his disrespectful behavior doesn't work for you and you do not want to be around him. Then let her figure it out in terms of how to handle that. Assert boundaries in that you let her know you don't want to be in the company of this dude. Do not control in that you then step back and judge how she responds and decide if this is still a relationship you want to be in or not.

Remember that if you want to know who the person really is, take a good look at the company they keep. If she chooses to keep this guy, this kind of company around, she is the same and enjoys playing you and him off each other. Consider that even if they have a lot of mutual friends, she doesn't need to befriend him in particular or go out of her way to invite him along to what you and her are doing. She could just be civil when he shows up to group things and otherwise keep her distance if she wanted to.

At some point, you need to make a call to respect yourself more and walk away from toxic behaviors, no matter how pretty she is or how much you think you are in love and will just die without her. No you won't and there is always better out there.

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, xShafty said:

Anyways she invited him over without asking me

6 hours ago, xShafty said:

but i got really mad over this since she knows i dont really like this friend,

6 hours ago, xShafty said:

is it toxic of me to ask her not to meet a guy?

6 hours ago, xShafty said:

or that he's not really that nice to me, he constantly says inappropriate things to her and me

She doesn't care that you're made to feel uncomfortable with his presence. She doesn't act like part of a team and consult you on important things as in who is invited to gatherings. Why? Again. She doesn't care. If a person is so independent and does whatever the hell they want without consulting or considering a partner, he/she should be single.

"Constantly saying inappropriate things" means she's accepting of someone making you feel badly over and over. After one warning to him, if just one more time, he crossed that boundary, a caring partner would have shown him the door, and permanently. A caring person would ax someone like this from their lives because that's not the definition of a friend.

So she meets these guys who say she's pretty off of Instagram in order for her to make new friends? Couples in a serious relationship usually change in how they go about forming friendships for the good of their primary partnership. 

But I can see you'll refuse to remove those rose-colored glasses until she ultimately rips them off your face with behavior you'll finally tire of once and for all. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, xShafty said:

How is she suppose to know when a guy is flirting with her if he's only saying things like "you used to know "xxx" from highschool right".

Because this isn't flirting. 

If that is what you consider flirting, then yes, you are the problem. But I gather you're trying to minimize it now because people here and telling you things about your girlfriend that you don't want to hear. 

You're all over the place and back-pedalling, because you want this to be blamed on anyone but her. You will learn the hard way that she's got a roll in this. 

Sorry man. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, xShafty said:

I'm not the only person this guy does this to

So?

It's your girlfriend who invites him to hang out alone with her. She likes his attention and she doesn't do enough to establish appropriate boundaries with him. 

What he does with other people is irreleavant to your relationship. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, xShafty said:

If another guy hits on her i should calm down and not overreact so much, it's not her fault for looking good. 

3. sometimes she just dosn't understand when a guy is being friendly and is hitting on her and as i stated before, she would never cheat on me so i shouldn't get mad/irritated if anything like this happens. 

I also want to state that from everything i've said i know it might seem as if i'm a very toxic person

No, I don't see YOU as being 'toxic' to her.  BUT, I feel she needs to learn about healthy boundaries.

Are these guys messaging her? A lot?  Why is she allowing this or doing this?  Why do they all have her number?  Or is it thru messenger, etc?

Is she a secure person, where she is fine & happy with you and doesn't really need the attention from other guys?

You two do need to communicate, so I wonder if you should again inform her, this creep is at it again & you don't approve.. BUT, she really should be minamizing her contacts. - Like, does she really need to be chatting it up with all these other guys?

 

[Hollyj]

  She does not respect you,  by communicating and inviting this guy to events .  She likes the attention and it is more important than you.  
 

Expect more from the people you date.  

[Stuckgal201]

I am sorry this is happening. I think you should talk to her, but if she doesn't wanna hear it then think about getting a new GF.

 

You should think about your feelings for her.