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My boyfriend says things that put me down and when I tell him I am hurt, he says that he told those things to protect me from damaging myself or taking wrong decisions. For example, I an starting a stressful job soon and he told me I am not the type of person to handle stress as this will impact me. The way he said it hurted me. I told him this and he did not apologise and insisted it was necessary to tell me because he does not want me to get too nuch stress. I feel like he always understimates me. Initially when we started dating, he was very encouraging and I came to rely on him, but when I faced depression he shifted his behaviour. But I cannot fully accuse him for doing this as I became nasty to him sometimes as I caught him in few lies. I really love him and appreciate his early efforts to make the relationship work. He used to be a lovely guy, but showed some signs of control earlier on but I thought they were cute. I feel like I have no more self-esteem. I am unsure whether is because of fmhim of other difficulties in life and my mental state.

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Posted (edited)

I think you should first try to hear his concerns. Do you think you handle stress well? Do you think there’s a possibility of this job making you feel overly stressed? What caused your depression in the first place? Are you aware that if you are overly stressed or depressed, that also affects him? Can you understand at all where he’s coming from? Is he right to be concerned?

Once you’ve answered those questions for yourself, then start thinking about your next steps. Can you put a plan in place to prevent you from feeling overly stressed? Can you make an agreement not to bring your stress home? Do you have a few methods that help you deal with stress? How can you prevent your own stress from encroaching upon your relationship?

Now you can start thinking about specific ways your boyfriend can voice his concerns to you without making you feel like he doesn’t support you. Can you give him some suggestions about how he can support you in taking a risk, but still be able to be honest about his concerns? What things do you need from him to feel supported? Can you be open to hearing his concerns without feeling defensive? 

You both have very valid feelings, but you both need to try to understand the other’s feelings as well, and then find a way forward together.

Edited by indea08
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Posted (edited)

Your love is blind, and not a reason to stay in a relaitonship where he belittles you and treats you like a child. You already told him on more than one occasion how it hurts you, and he doesn't care to listen. That's toxic and unhealthy. You struggle with depression/anxiety....sorry but he is more damaging to your life, and being in love is not worth the sacrifice to your sanity. You are giving up a lot of yourself for him, and it will only darken things for you.

Edited by smackie9
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1 hour ago, Mary A said:

My boyfriend says things that put me down and when I tell him I am hurt, he says that he told those things to protect me from damaging myself or taking wrong decisions. For example, I an starting a stressful job soon and he told me I am not the type of person to handle stress as this will impact me. The way he said it hurted me. I told him this and he did not apologise and insisted it was necessary to tell me because he does not want me to get too nuch stress. I feel like he always understimates me. Initially when we started dating, he was very encouraging and I came to rely on him, but when I faced depression he shifted his behaviour. But I cannot fully accuse him for doing this as I became nasty to him sometimes as I caught him in few lies. I really love him and appreciate his early efforts to make the relationship work. He used to be a lovely guy, but showed some signs of control earlier on but I thought they were cute. I feel like I have no more self-esteem. I am unsure whether is because of fmhim of other difficulties in life and my mental state.

I'm all for working things out but please pay attention to cyclical or repetitive behaviours from someone when they're belittling you or putting you down. Your boyfriend sounds like he's limiting you due to his own anxiety at you lashing out at him. 

Avoid situations and relationships also that bring out the worst in you. This is an obvious one but often overlooked.

You do not have to put up with controlling or abusive behaviour - others or yourself. Just walk away. Do work on your self-esteem as it's your first line of defense against people who are abusive or controlling. You'll learn to walk away a lot faster from these situations when you can spot them early on.

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So he is controlling, puts you down, and lies, this is called abuse.  

This is not good or healthy, and due to your low self esteem you want to continue the relationship.   Terrible idea.  

End it.

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1 hour ago, Mary A said:

I came to rely on him, but when I faced depression he shifted his behaviour. 

I caught him in few lies.

showed some signs of control 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he?  You know at some level it's an abusive relationship. Talk to trusted adults and friends and family.

 See a physician for the depression and a therapist for ongoing support. Do not rely on him for anything. You already know it's best to end it.

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Thank you all for your answers. 

We have been together for over a year and we were engaged, but we broke up our engagement because I caught him in few lies and he knew I hate lies the most and kept doing. The first 7 months of our relationship, I have tried many times to break up with him because we are in a LDR and also we had too many differences. He insisted for us to be together and made me feel special, although I felt he overstepped some boundaries.

Everything shifted when he started his own business. He became more stressful and busy, and less available to chat and prioritised work and his life. On numerous occasions I told him I would like us to chat a bit more, but he kept saying is busy and needs to work. I am really hurt now, not because of this necessary, but when we broke up (I initiated), he started blaming me of many things (indeed I made many things that I should not have done such as I compared him to other guys in our first months of being together). He told me post-break up that I need to chase him and told me a lot of hurtful things such as: I use depression as an excuse for my overreactions, I have never supported him (which is untrue), I put my curiosity first before anything and I care a lot about what I read and what others tell me. I was shocked as he never was like that before. I tried to apologise few times, but he insisted that this is manipulation and he wants facts. Now I told him I am closing my social media for some time to focus on myself, and he agreed without being worry we won't chat for some time. I am shattered and so disappointed as my family tried to tell me from the beginning he is not good for me. Now I feel insecure and I realised I miss him so much, the perosn he used to be. I play hard to get first few months and now everything shifted. I am unsure what to do as I feel also guilty for what I did wrong to himx altough I felt that many times many arguments started when he looked for a reaction.

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6 hours ago, Mary A said:

He told me post-break up that I need to chase him and told me a lot of hurtful things such as: I use depression as an excuse for my overreactions, I have never supported him (which is untrue), I put my curiosity first before anything and I care a lot about what I read and what others tell me. I was shocked as he never was like that before. I tried to apologise few times, but he insisted that this is manipulation and he wants facts. Now I told him I am closing my social media for some time to focus on myself, and he agreed without being worry we won't chat for some time. I am shattered and so disappointed as my family tried to tell me from the beginning he is not good for me. Now I feel insecure and I realised I miss him so much, the perosn he used to be. I play hard to get first few months and now everything shifted. I am unsure what to do as I feel also guilty for what I did wrong to himx altough I felt that many times many arguments started when he looked for a reaction.

It's a repeat cycle of mind games. You do not need to "chase" after anyone. If you were wrong to manipulate him in the beginning acknowledge that and then stop doing it. Don't keep engaging in the same games.

He's very resentful towards you and doesn't sound like a pleasant man at all! Listen to your family and get away from this. Take a time out if you need to from dating. 

This is such a toxic and unhealthy situation. 

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People who enter LDRs (weren't already in a longterm relationship that started locally) either have secrets to hide a local person would quickly find out, or nobody local will date them because of a dealbreaker issue, or is emotionally unstable and prefers the fantasy of an LDR versus the very realness a local relationship requires.

Clearly you each have at least one of these issues. It'll take a good long while for you to work on yourself to get to the best you that you can be.  Until then, don't date and when you're ready to, stick to local dating. Far more satisfying, less expensive, among a million more pros.

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Thanks again for all your advice. 

It's true, there were some mind games between us, and he insisted that is better to have arguments and discussions at the beginning of the relationship as this will show if would last. But this was something to keep me in the relationship. Now I feel really attached to him and he became selfish. Always is about his work and his dreams. I hate that I cannot keep him out of my mind and I blame myself for it. I kept checking his social media and I have never been like that with any guy. When I wad done I was done. This was my longest relationship. I would not stayed even in this one if he did not insisted. Thats why I regret because I put feelings and energy and now I do not feel myself anymore.

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