Guy I love

[DancingFool]

55 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

I don't know where to start.  Plus it is only yesterday I realised he may be using/intending to use hookers.  

It made me rethink the situation & realise it is not working for me 

That's THE step in the right direction for you. Remember that you are not helpless and that nobody gets to call the shots in your life and what you do, except you yourself. If you don't want him around, you can say no and stick to it. You can disengage from the kinds of relationships that suck you dry and give nothing much in return.

I know that in some respects you don't see this as one sided. You've pointed out how he does things for you as well. Consider that he does just enough to keep you hooked and catering to his needs. Does that change your perspective a little? I hope so.

At the end of the day, this unhealthy attachment is actively stopping you from being able to develop a healthy, genuine, truly reciprocal romantic relationship with another man. You can't be genuinely open to someone else while you are stuck on this guy. That's why trying to date other men hasn't worked out for you so far. So for you to move on, you do have to kick him to the curb completely and permanently regardless of what he wants or demands. It's not up to him it's up to you. This is YOUR life, so treat it as such and stop wasting your life on a dead end.

[BBGirl]

17 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That's THE step in the right direction for you. Remember that you are not helpless and that nobody gets to call the shots in your life and what you do, except you yourself. If you don't want him around, you can say no and stick to it. You can disengage from the kinds of relationships that suck you dry and give nothing much in return.

I know that in some respects you don't see this as one sided. You've pointed out how he does things for you as well. Consider that he does just enough to keep you hooked and catering to his needs. Does that change your perspective a little? I hope so.

 

Yes thank you.  Your post does make perfect sense.  I guess also we have become quite dependent on each other & I am worried about the kids asking where he is etc & that I will actually miss him a lot as he is not a bad person but I do feel he is feeding me breadcrumbs 

He also seems to be greatly enjoying me taking care of him, ie sick but while at home he is looking up local hookers.

I think I can start by being far less available, baby steps maybe.  

He is calling over tonight & I am going to talk to him about getting professional help so he might rely on me less.  He is very sensitive so I have to be careful in my approach.  

I think the Hookers thing was an eye opener & a bit of a shock to me.  

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

I think the Hookers thing was an eye opener & a bit of a shock to me.  

And it's also a blessing in disguise. 

I think your assumption that he might be gay protected your ego, but now that you know he is indeed sexually attracted to women, you have to face reality. 

In the end, it's better for you to come to terms with the truth (that he's not into you that way), even if it hurts. It isn't serving you well to be so attached to him and bevhaving like his girlfriend when he is not going to offer the relationship you want. 

[DancingFool]

20 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

Yes thank you.  Your post does make perfect sense.  I guess also we have become quite dependent on each other & I am worried about the kids asking where he is etc & that I will actually miss him a lot as he is not a bad person but I do feel he is feeding me breadcrumbs 

He also seems to be greatly enjoying me taking care of him, ie sick but while at home he is looking up local hookers.

I think I can start by being far less available, baby steps maybe.  

He is calling over tonight & I am going to talk to him about getting professional help so he might rely on me less.  He is very sensitive so I have to be careful in my approach.  

I think the Hookers thing was an eye opener & a bit of a shock to me.  

Please don't make this about your kids. Kids are way more resilient and more able to let go than adults. They also may be much less attached than you think. Asking about mom's buddy who was hanging around every single day as a curiosity is not the same as "omg I miss him". Be careful that you don't read too much into that, aka project your feelings and attachments to your kids. Consider also - do you really want someone who is manipulative, emotionally detached, and who engages with hookers around your children? 

Of course he enjoys you taking care of him. Who wouldn't? 

As for talking to him, expect either overt or covert resistance. Talking to him will just prompt him to manipulate you harder. He is not going to let go of his housemaid and cook quietly. Please do not confuse that for caring. He cares, except it's not about you but purely himself and his comfort and convenience. In your shoes, I wouldn't really make it a discussion, but rather a clear statement that because of other issues in your life like work demands, you cannot caretake him and x, y, z will need to happen regarding his care. Not optional, nothing to debate or negotiate. Don't even get pulled into a discussion about it just make it clear that you will be stepping back and that's that.

If you want to get rid of him, you will need to develop titanium boundaries and learn how to say no consistently enough until he gets the message that this gravy train ride is over and he needs to go away for good. Just be ready for the fact that it won't be easy to do. People like that can really have all kinds of reactions from rage to threats to manipulation to threats of suicide even. Do not fall for any of that and hold firm. If he threatens suicide, call for an ambulance and let them deal with him. Step out of the line of fire rather than jumping into it.

Wish you luck and strength.

[Jibralta]

  Well, which one is it?

2 hours ago, BBGirl said:

I was not openly pursuing him etc. 

 

6 hours ago, BBGirl said:

He knows exactly how I feel about him.  I have always been upfront.

[BBGirl]

18 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

  Well, which one is it?

 

Telling someone how you feel & actively chasing them are two different things.  You can have feelings & yet not act on them.  As I said it is him contacting me, him coming over to my home.  I don't go to his - ever.  

 

[Jibralta]

8 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

Telling someone how you feel & actively chasing them are two different things.  You can have feelings & yet not act on them.  As I said it is him contacting me, him coming over to my home.  I don't go to his - ever.  

This is why you're having trouble with your boundaries. Your failure to draw a line here is the exact gray zone in your thinking that he is capitalizing on.

You are acting on your feelings. How many other people do you have hanging around your home while you cook and clean for them?

1 hour ago, BBGirl said:

I do feel he is feeding me breadcrumbs 

How can you possibly feel this way if you have no expectations of him returning your feelings?

[Andrina]

On 4/19/2021 at 4:38 PM, BBGirl said:

He is quite protective of me as well as not wanting any other men around. 

That alone is enough for you to put a stop to this. Isolating you, and you're okay with that possessive, controlling manipulation? Abusers try to isolate, so if you're so concerned about your children, that's one great reason not to let your children be around him and this abusive situation.

[Hollyj]

Do either one of you have a job? 
 

what happened?   Why do you need to care for him? 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, BBGirl said:

Yes thank you.  Your post does make perfect sense.  I guess also we have become quite dependent on each other & I am worried about the kids asking where he is etc & that I will actually miss him a lot as he is not a bad person but I do feel he is feeding me breadcrumbs 

He also seems to be greatly enjoying me taking care of him, ie sick but while at home he is looking up local hookers.

I think I can start by being far less available, baby steps maybe.  

He is calling over tonight & I am going to talk to him about getting professional help so he might rely on me less.  He is very sensitive so I have to be careful in my approach.  

I think the Hookers thing was an eye opener & a bit of a shock to me.  

I would suggest professional help only if you think he is in imminent danger of physically harming himself.  Otherwise it's none of your business and not your place to offer unsolicited advice about your perceptions of his mental health.  I don't think baby steps will work in this situation.  Cutting the cord/ripping off the bandaid is the way to go IMO.

He's feeding you nothing.  He told you he is not into you.  

[Tinydance]

Look I gotta be honest...You have/had some very unhealthy ideas and beliefs about this "friendship". You actually didn't know that this guy is gay for sure. To be honest I don't know if you really had all that much proof of it. I think you were just telling yourself he's gay to make yourself feel better that he's not interested in you.

You are quite angry and upset he looked at hookers. You said you're taking care of him and doing all this stuff for him while "he's looking at hookers". You actually don't have a right to be upset about that. It's your own choice to be taking care of him and having him in your house all the time. He doesn't owe you anything.

Also if a male and female are friends, one doesn't automatically owe the other romantic or sexual interest just because they're opposite gender. He was within his right to want to just be friends. Where he crossed the line (whether gay or not) is that when he knew that you have feelings for him, he should have told you the truth about how he feels about you and stopped hanging out with you. I don't think he's even your true friend because a true friend would actually respect you and care about your feelings.

I think you need to stop going on about the hooker thing. No offence but you are actually acting entitled. A long time ago a male friend at work had feelings for me. He kept pursuing me. Then I had sex with another guy and he was really angry. He was like: "Why did you have sex with another guy, what was wrong with ME??!" Um, I can have sex with whoever I want. Just because someone likes me or wants to have sex with me doesn't automatically oblige me to be into them too. It doesn't oblige me to choose them for sex instead of a hooker, or whoever. Stop having that mindset that he should prefer you over a hooker. He doesn't have to do anything because you're not his girlfriend and you've never even kissed or done anything at all. Having him in your house and doing all that stuff for him was your own choice. He doesn't owe you anything in return.

I remember one time I went on a date with a guy and he paid for dinner. Then he was giving me a lift in the car and he began to touch me sexually. I said I didn't want to and he was like: "But I paid for dinner". Maybe you don't realise it but you're kind of acting the same, just not physically forceful.

Stop expecting that this guy has to like you. Yes he can have sex with hookers, a blow up doll, he can be gay, straight, tree hugger lol Because you're not together and he can be and do whatever he wants.

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I remember one time I went on a date with a guy and he paid for dinner. Then he was giving me a lift in the car and he began to touch me sexually. I said I didn't want to and he was like: "But I paid for dinner". Maybe you don't realise it but you're kind of acting the same, just not physically forceful.

 

27 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think he's even your true friend because a true friend would actually respect you and care about your feelings.

I like so much about the whole post but quote the outstanding nuggets above.  She knows what she speaks of, reread it as often as you can!  He's not leading you on and on the other hand since he knows how you feel he should back off. 

I was platonic friends with my ex after we broke up in 2005.  We communicated regularly on AOL messenger and we saw each other once or twice (but to exchange things we still had of each others not for social reasons).  Neither of us lead the other on about getting back together but I know he was unhappy when I started dating my future husband.

In 2007 he met his future wife.  As soon as he went on a few dates with her -he told me about her -I just knew this was going to be serious.  As soon as I knew I decided to do the slow fade so he could pursue her without me around in any way -like, what if she saw me on his messenger, etc. and even though we did not flirt at all (!) she might get the wrong idea.  He didn't question my slow fade and I bet he was a little relieved that I pulled the plug and he didn't need to.

By the time they were serious I had zero contact with him (still, having never met her or even seen her, she contacted me 6 months after they married, wanting to meet me but that's another story).  I felt I was being a true friend.  He might have still had lingering feelings for me but more importantly I wanted what was best for him and what was best for him was not to have an ex even on the periphery so as not to taint their budding relationship.  

If this guy were a true friend, a genuine person, he'd back off once he knew how imbalanced this was.  But no he's not leading you on to believe he wants to be with you.  He said he doesn't.

[BBGirl]

6 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Do either one of you have a job? 
 

what happened?   Why do you need to care for him? 

We both have jobs, I only need to do the caring another week.

 

If he asks why I am not there for him, should I bring up the hookers?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

If he asks why I am not there for him, should I bring up the hookers?

Are you ready to admit you went through his phone?

[BBGirl]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you ready to admit you went through his phone?

I did not actually go through the phone!  I was using the phone to Google something & he was beside me & when I opened google, it was there right in front of me in the google list.  

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, BBGirl said:

 I opened google, it was there right in front of me in the google list.  

Ok, tell him you thought he was gay all this time but now you came across escort sites and want to know why he never made a move on you.

Tell him you saw his search history and were shocked to find out he's interested in women but not you.

[BBGirl]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, tell him you thought he was gay all this time but now you came across escort sites and want to know why he never made a move on you.

Tell him you saw his search history and were shocked to find out he's interested in women but not you.

Actually straight to the point & no messing around!   

Maybe really this is the best option.  It will certainly open up the appropriate conversation! 

I feel like an unattractive shell of a woman now.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, BBGirl said:

Actually straight to the point & no messing around!   

Maybe really this is the best option.  It will certainly open up the appropriate conversation! 

I feel like an unattractive shell of a woman now.

Why? Attraction and feelings are subjective. We sometimes don't know why we're not attracted to someone, even if objectively they are attractive. Also there is a difference between romantic feelings and wanting to have sex with someone. Even if your friend had sex with you, but he doesn't want to date you, it would only hurt you more. Trust me, I've been there.

I think you need to take some responsibility for this situation. You are just playing the victim but you actually have a lot of say and control here. It's your house, you don't have to let him come over all the time. You don't have to be in contact much at all. He's jeopardising your  chances with other men because he takes up all your time and your feelings. Plus he's scaring men away from you. 

You said you thought this situation is OK coz "he's gay". Why would it be OK even if he was gay? You're in love with him and he's not letting you move on and be with other men. Personally I think it was a mistake to think that was all OK just because you thought he was gay.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, BBGirl said:

If he asks why I am not there for him, should I bring up the hookers?

At least you would finally be admitting out loud that you've been trying to win his affection this whole time by cleaning and cooking for him. Because what you'd really be saying is, "Now that it's obvious that I can't have you, I'm not going to take care of you. There's a price attached to the care that I've been supplying."

[BBGirl]

58 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

At least you would finally be admitting out loud that you've been trying to win his affection this whole time by cleaning and cooking for him. Because what you'd really be saying is, "Now that it's obvious that I can't have you, I'm not going to take care of you. There's a price attached to the care that I've been supplying."

I never mentioned cleaning & I am taking care of him because he is sick & needs the care.  This is for another week.  

I was not trying to win his affection!  It can't be bought.  

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, BBGirl said:

If he asks why I am not there for him, should I bring up the hookers?

No, because his sex life is none of your business in the first place. He has never mentioned this to you, so it's clear that he doesn't feel it's your concern. 

The fact that you are insecure about that is not his problem. It's your issue to deal with. His sexual orientation is also none of your business.

You knew he didn't want what you want. Stick to that, and explain to him that you need to take distance now because it hurts too much to be around him when your feelings are not reciprocated. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

His sexual orientation is also none of your business.

Unfortunately she made that up to explain that he wasn't into her.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, BBGirl said:

I never mentioned cleaning & I am taking care of him because he is sick & needs the care. 

You don't have to mention it. It's obvious.

If you were only cleaning & caring for him out of the kindness of your heart, why would you stop doing it because of his sexual preferences? Kindness isn't conditional. 

[Hollyj]

8 hours ago, BBGirl said:

We both have jobs, I only need to do the caring another week.

 

If he asks why I am not there for him, should I bring up the hookers?

No.  You need to accept that he does not feel the same.  I think  you need to question why you are so attached to someone who does not share your feelings, is very unstable mentally,  homophobic , and not a friend - if he were a friend he would not continue all of this knowing your feelings,as it is very selfish.  This guy sounds awful.  You also should not be exposing your kids to someone like this.  
 

Do you usually choose people like this?  Is this your dating history?
 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, BBGirl said:

I am taking care of him because he is sick & needs the care.  This is for another week.  

Who watches your kids while you are working and taking care of him? Where is your children's father? Does he know about this nonsense?