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I was using my friends phone today & noticed he had looked up girls on the beach & also local escort agencies. I could not miss it, as it was in the google search. He is off sick at the moment & I have been doing everything for him, cooking, washing his clothes, nursing him.  

He knows I want a relationship with him but calls me his friend.  I know I have no right to be hurt but I am.  We spend all our free time together & he seems very emotionally attached to me.  He never seemed to have much interest in sex & I actually thought he might be gay.  I am very hurt that it appears he would prefer to be with a prostitute than with me,  we do everything else together & he is not chasing after any other women.

Very Sad

 

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Nailed it.  He doesn't want to lose his cook, maid, emotional crutch. You are confusing "protective" with "controlling." He doesn't want other guys around you not because he is in love with you,

^This. Also, what is actually going on with you, OP? If you genuinely believed that he is gay, then why haven't YOU done what you need to do to detach and move on? I mean if he is gay, then you a

Coming from someone who is in the LGBTQ+, sometimes our searches don't mean anything. I could look up lesbian porn and not be a lesbian. If he IS gay, then props to him, don't continue to try to make

You have no one to blame but yourself if you know that he does not have romantic feelings for you.   

Stop playing his personal servant and cut off this "friendship."   You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for, and by playing his personal maid he is not going to change his feelings.  I actually think that your behavior is manipulative as you are hoping he will change his feelings due to the fact you are "helping" him.  

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15 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

I have been doing everything for him, cooking, washing his clothes, nursing him.  

Sorry to hear this. You need to let his friends and family do all this.

You were not dating and buzzing around as a friend wishing and hoping will lead to heartaches like this.

 Move on from him and start talking to and meeting men.

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He wants me to help him, wants to be around me all the time, spends all his free time here & confides in me, we like all the same stuff, on paper - look like a fab match, same interests

Yet I am his friend, 

Thank you Wiseman, I know I should not feel hurt but I really am, why would he prefer prostitutes to me? 😪 

I have tried to date other men, gone on dates etc but my heart aches for him

 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

 I actually think that your behavior is manipulative as you are hoping he will change his feelings due to the fact you are "helping" him.  

It is a two way street.  He helps me a lot too.  We help each other & he acts like a boyfriend except for sexually, gets jealous of other guys around me too

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No cigar. I understand you care about him but care about yourself first. You're not doing yourself a service hanging around him or doing his laundry. Lord help us all if you ever get married because the laundry will not do itself. Save yourself. 

Be kind to yourself, extricate, let go. If he doesn't want a relationship, that is ok. You will be just fine. Find someone else who will reciprocate your feelings and treat you better.

 

 

 

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If it makes any sense, it is him hanging around me, he comes to me, he gets in touch if I go quiet, I don't chase after him etc. He is constantly bringing little gifts.  He puts in as much effort as me, at times I feel like I am the reason he gets out of bed.

I have tried so very hard to extradite myself but he has really involved himself in my life, including with my kids who love him very much & he clearly loves them

I get you, I really do.  I just don't understand why he would rather a prostitute than me. 

 

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Eventually, the whys matter less and less. What remains are the facts. Perhaps you're still in shock and denial. This is who he is. You can choose to see it and accept it or live in denial or explain this away. 

I'd be cautious about having him around your kids. It's too much limbo and uncertainty.

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I understand exactly what you mean,  he looks at me as if he has feelings but the facts are that he is doing nothing about it. 

I don't have any safety issues with him around the kids.  

I truly am heartbroken though.  I got a shock when I saw the searches today as he never really shows much interest in women.

So I know now that being gay is not the issue.    

😪

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49 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

I have tried so very hard to extradite myself but he has really involved himself in my life, including with my kids who love him very much & he clearly loves them.

Who does he live with? Was he ever married/had kids?  How did you meet and how long have you been friends? 

You don't have to stop being friends, but it may help you to pull back a bit. 

How is your co-parenting relationship with your children's father? Does he have shared custody/visitation?  Does he pay child support?

 

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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who does he live with? Was he ever married/had kids?  How did you meet and how long have you been friends? 

You don't have to stop being friends, but it may help you to pull back a bit. 

How is your co-parenting relationship with your children's father? Does he have shared custody/visitation?  Does he pay child support?

 

He lives in a house share!  We live close by.  He was never married/kids or had any relationship the last 15 years.  

We are friends about 4 years but very close friends the last year & a half.  He is quite protective of me as well as not wanting any other men around.  He helps me out doing any diy needed & seems to love being part of our little family.  He does suffer from bad anxiety. 

I parent alone, some maintenance paid but that is it.  Relationship with ex is fine.  No problems.  I tend to just get on with it.  My friend is a good positive influence on my children.    

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3 hours ago, BBGirl said:

It is a two way street.  He helps me a lot too.  We help each other & he acts like a boyfriend except for sexually, gets jealous of other guys around me too

But,  he does not have the same feelings for you, so it does not matter. You are only hurting yourself. 

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6 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

But,  he does not have the same feelings for you, so it does not matter.

Exactly. You can cook, clean, and nurse him for the rest of your life. If you're doing all of this to arouse him, you are wasting your time. It's not going to persuade him to be sexually attracted to you. It also doesn't obligate him to be sexually attracted to you.

You can feel protective towards someone and not be sexually attracted to them. You can spend a lot of time with someone and not be sexually attracted to them. You can be affectionate and generous, and not be sexually attracted to someone. 

You really are hurting yourself by ignoring these truths.

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13 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

But,  he does not have the same feelings for you, so it does not matter. You are only hurting yourself. 

Truth is spoken. 

He may show all signs of wanting to be around and even loving you for instance. But unless he does not put it to action, you cannot do anything about it, you cannot build a fantasy on his hints and signs (that you are catching and overthinking, while he may be doing all this with no romantic intentions at all).

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I had a good friend who chose a safe situation like you have (safe because you know he's not available to you romantically so you can spend all your time yearning and fantasizing and never have to worry that reality might not be as exciting).  For about 4 years she pined after him.  Never told him.  They were best buds, did everything together -she read into things he did that he was interested -I'd met him, he was handsome and arrogant and my sense was he always knew and used it to his benefit - one time I just couldn't hold back -she was going on about how he'd put his head in her lap at the airport where they and a large group from their organization were about to go on a trip.  I said I thought it was so selfish of him and leading her on.  

After about 4 years, one day they spent a whole day together at a gorgeous park.  That's when he told her he'd been secretly dating another woman from their theater group basically the whole time.  A friend of hers, too.  They kept it secret to avoid gossip.  Shortly after that he ended things with her.  And -guess what -he still did not ask out my friend.  Surprised?  I wasn't.  She wasted 4 years of her mid to late 30s on this guy.  It's sad.  Please stop being so dishonest with yourself.  

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5 hours ago, BBGirl said:

why would he prefer prostitutes to me?

It is his choice the way he lives his life... has nothing to do with you, as he see's you as a 'friend', only.

Up to you to accept.. What you need to do is avoid spending this much time with him. (since you saw him and want him as more).

What would end up a real shame, is you actually being involved with him & things go bad, which will damage your 'friendship'.

So, maybe accept what you've got - a friend and leave it at that.

 

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Thank you for the replies.  I have read them a few times.

I know he is not seeing anyone else, he spends all his free time with my little family.  Is he leading me on?  I'm not sure.  Certainly he does not want anyone else to have me, but maybe that is only because I would have less time for him.

I actually though he was gay for various different reasons.

It is difficult to spend less time together as I am always at home lately due to lockdown.  He sees my car here.

In spite of everything, it does feel that he has feelings, certainly he is emotionally attached as he gets upset if he can't get hold of me or he does not hear from me.  He has also alluded to having bedroom problems below but I don't know how severe/affected as he got quite embarrassed when it was mentioned, he mentioned also that he was small when drunk recently. 

None of this however changes the facts of the situation.  My heart is broken.    

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Unfortunately, and I’m sorry to say, I think that you’re using his dependency on you to justify deliberately/wilfully ignoring the reality of the situation. You are saying it would be really difficult to not see him because of a, b, and c, but it wouldn’t. You just say you’re not available every single time he says jump and expects you to jump. But you want to jump and be at his beck and call because it allows you to keep hoping that it might endear you to him in a romantic way. 

If you think he has feelings for you or you want to know for sure, just straight up ask him. If he gives you any other answer but a very strong, emphatic “yes”, then I would pull way back and put some distance between you and he.

It’s tough when you have feelings for someone but you cannot make someone love you and one risks wasting their life waiting for something that likely won’t happen, as Batya said. Also, I think sometimes it can be WAY harder to recover from a long term fantasy/hope than an actual relationship that ended because you’ve allowed yourself to live out a relationship without actually being in one and experiencing the issues that inevitably arise in them, as fantasising doesn’t usually include all the ups and downs, just the idealised version. And whether he is gay or not makes really no difference to your situation because his feelings likely are not of the romantic kind. The only way you will know for sure, though, is to ask him how he feels and get clarity on that once and for all. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

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1 hour ago, BBGirl said:

Certainly he does not want anyone else to have me, but maybe that is only because I would have less time for him.

Nailed it. 

He doesn't want to lose his cook, maid, emotional crutch. You are confusing "protective" with "controlling." He doesn't want other guys around you not because he is in love with you, but because he doesn't want to lose all the benefits you offer him. 

He isn't leading you on, though. He has been clear he doesn't want to date you. Yet, you stick around. You are doing this to yourself at this point. 

At some point, you have to ask yourself where your your self-respect disappeared to. 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly this is the main reason he is buttering you up and camping out at your house.

How do you mean?

Today he was here from 9am until just now & he plans to come back later

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I don’t mean to sound unkind but are you overweight? Since he’s looking at escorts and girls on the beach it’s possible that he’s attracted to young, slim women with a different look. He obviously appreciates what you do for him but he’s not attracted to you physically or he would have pursued you by now. Please be careful how much you give to this guy because he’s using you and seems controlling. Start dating and take a step back from this. You’re putting too much of your energy into someone who’s using you for social and emotional support. 

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Well I think the reasons why this guy doesn't want to have sex with you or date you are not really relevant. You have strong feelings for this guy and you don't like him just as a friend. You are heartbroken that you're not together in a romantic way. Even if he actually was gay, would it really help to keep hanging out with him all the time? It wouldn't help your feelings for him. It doesn't seem that he's gay but that he's just friend zoned you. I'm not trying to be mean but it doesn't seem like he's actually physically or sexually attracted to you at all. I have (and had) male friends who want to have sex with me and I basically declined because I don't want to do that. Even if a guy is your friend, often they still want to have sex because they want the whole FWB thing. If this guy doesn't want anything physical with you at all, I would guess you are well and truly in the friend zone. 

I think technically this guy hasn't done anything wrong because you're just friends and not dating at all. He doesn't owe you anything really so unfortunately it has to be up to you to put some boundaries in or actually end the friendship. This friendship isn't really working because it's just hurting you. He gets your companionship, care and attention, but what do you get out of it?

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26 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

How do you mean?

Today he was here from 9am until just now & he plans to come back later

You're lying to yourself -reading into his physical presence in your home as some sort of sign he wants to date you.  He doesn't. He told you so.  Don't you think if he changed his mind he'd want you to know ASAP so you wouldn't get snapped up by some other guy??  Watch When Harry Met Sally and what "Harry" says at the end about -when you know you've found the one you want that person to know right then.  You're overeager, overly available.  Your choice. He is not leading you on -but you're leading yourself on.

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Just now, Unsure2021 said:

I don’t mean to sound unkind but are you overweight? Since he’s looking at escorts and girls on the beach it’s possible that he’s attracted to young, slim women with a different look. He obviously appreciates what you do for him but he’s not attracted to you physically or he would have pursued you by now. Please be careful how much you give to this guy because he’s using you and seems controlling. Start dating and take a step back from this. You’re putting too much of your energy into someone who’s using you for social and emotional support. 

 

Just FYI though, people aren't just not attracted only to overweight people. Believe it or not, not every single time if someone is friend zoned it's because they're overweight. Also there are overweight and BBW escorts. One of my close friends is a very large woman and she is a sex worker and she gets a lot of clients. Please be mindful of what you're saying regarding fat shaming because there are overweight people on these forums (including me). And if the OP actually is overweight, do you honestly think what you said is helpful? Like, pointing out that she can't have the guy she has feelings for because she's overweight?

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