Guy I love

[Unsure2021]

Please don’t misinterpret what I said. Of course there are people out there that prefer BBW. What I’m saying is this guy may not be one of them, based on his internet searches. Obviously she deserves a man who is attracted to her and loves her for who she is, which is why she should move on to someone who is. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

Today he was here from 9am until just now & he plans to come back later

Ok, if you appreciate his friendship, that's fine. However if you want a BF, this is not your man.

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Nailed it. 

He doesn't want to lose his cook, maid, emotional crutch. You are confusing "protective" with "controlling." He doesn't want other guys around you not because he is in love with you, but because he doesn't want to lose all the benefits you offer him. 

He isn't leading you on, though. He has been clear he doesn't want to date you. Yet, you stick around. You are doing this to yourself at this point. 

At some point, you have to ask yourself where your your self-respect disappeared to. 

Agree with everything!

[BBGirl]

Trying to answer everyone at once, 

I am not overweight.  I am 5ft 9 & well toned, flat stomach, slim etc & I get other guys wanting to be with me.  The next door single neighbour guy paid me some attention & now my friend does not like him, calling him a serial killer! 

My friend does not normally show any interest in other women at all so I was surprised to see those google searches. 

I want to point out that my friend is not a bad guy & does help me out a lot.  I suggested today that instead of calling in early for the medical checks he needs, that he stay over & he said I would have to find some other idiot for that, does he think anyone wanting to be with me must be an idiot? 

 

 

[Hollyj]

Do you have a job?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

The next door single neighbour guy paid me some attention & now my friend does not like him, calling him a serial killer! 

Why not stay friends and date others?

[BBGirl]

Yes I have a job, I am popular with lots of friends & pre covid - plenty of hobbies too.  I have a nice house, car etc.

Wiseman, I tried to date others, my heart was not in it plus at the moment dating is difficult with Covid.

I was muddling along with the current situation but seeing those google searches yesterday threw me a bit.  Imagine looking up prostitutes when you have a decent caring woman who would be delighted to have you.  I would have said maybe he is using the escort pictures & beach girl photos to get off except he searched for escort services in the particular area we live in. 

 

[Tinydance]

17 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

Trying to answer everyone at once, 

I am not overweight.  I am 5ft 9 & well toned, flat stomach, slim etc & I get other guys wanting to be with me.  The next door single neighbour guy paid me some attention & now my friend does not like him, calling him a serial killer! 

My friend does not normally show any interest in other women at all so I was surprised to see those google searches. 

I want to point out that my friend is not a bad guy & does help me out a lot.  I suggested today that instead of calling in early for the medical checks he needs, that he stay over & he said I would have to find some other idiot for that, does he think anyone wanting to be with me must be an idiot? 

 

 

OK but do you have some sort of plan regarding this situation? Because obviously you are hurting and you're upset? Have you told him directly that you have feelings for him and you want to be in a relationship? I mean you have only two choices here really. One choice is to just accept that this guy will only be your friend and continue hurting. The other choice is to end the friendship or heavily cut down on how much you see him. It's really not fair that your "friend" doesn't want to date you himself, but he's trying to scare other guys away. That's selfish. He should either date you or leave you alone.

[Jibralta]

20 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

The next door single neighbour guy paid me some attention & now my friend does not like him, calling him a serial killer! 

Probably because, as MissCanuck said, he doesn't want to lose his maid, cook, and emotional supporter. Any boyfriend you had would probably not take kindly to you doting over another man.

21 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

My friend does not normally show any interest in other women at all

Correction: Your friend does not let YOU see his interest in other women.

22 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

he said I would have to find some other idiot for that, does he think anyone wanting to be with me must be an idiot? 

Either that, or he sees exactly the kind of trap you are laying and wants no part of it.

[Jibralta]

3 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

Imagine looking up prostitutes when you have a decent caring woman who would be delighted to have you.

Bottom line: it means he's not interested in you romantically. Sorry.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, BBGirl said:

Yes I have a job, I am popular with lots of friends & pre covid - plenty of hobbies too.  I have a nice house, car etc.

Wiseman, I tried to date others, my heart was not in it plus at the moment dating is difficult with Covid.

I was muddling along with the current situation but seeing those google searches yesterday threw me a bit.  Imagine looking up prostitutes when you have a decent caring woman who would be delighted to have you.  I would have said maybe he is using the escort pictures & beach girl photos to get off except he searched for escort services in the particular area we live in. 

 

Well I don't think you should feel like he's "obliged" to want to be with you or have sex with you just because you're a decent woman who wants him. Feelings and chemistry can't really be explained. They also can't be forced. He's allowed to look at pictures of sexy girls. Many men like to do that and above all he's single. He is free to do whatever he wants, to look at whoever and have sex with whoever. Even with escorts. He doesn't actually owe you anything. The reason why you're getting upset is because YOU have feelings for him and YOU want more. He's happy just to be friends and have your friendship and companionship. If you don't like this situation then it'll have to be you who has to change it. The guy is happy and not hurting and this situation suits him just fine. But it doesn't seem to suit you though...

[BBGirl]

I am not laying any trap for him.  He knows exactly how I feel about him.  I have always been upfront.  

I did try to break up the friendship before & I was miserable & friends in common told me he was very upset too. 

Sure of course he probably is happy as he is because he gets most of the benefits without any commitment.  He loves food & I am a very good cook.  He does financially contribute to the food or buys us all nice treats so he is not just coming here & eating.

I actually feel trapped, ugly & sad that he would prefer a hooker to me.  My friends say he does be looking at me when he thinks I am not looking, they even told him that we would make a nice couple but this only irritates him.

Thank you everyone for your advice

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

I am not laying any trap for him.  He knows exactly how I feel about him.  I have always been upfront.  

I did try to break up the friendship before & I was miserable & friends in common told me he was very upset too. 

Sure of course he probably is happy as he is because he gets most of the benefits without any commitment.  He loves food & I am a very good cook.  He does financially contribute to the food or buys us all nice treats so he is not just coming here & eating.

I actually feel trapped, ugly & sad that he would prefer a hooker to me.  My friends say he does be looking at me when he thinks I am not looking, they even told him that we would make a nice couple but this only irritates him.

Thank you everyone for your advice

You can do better. If you are an attractive woman, good cook, own house, car, nice and popular person. You are a catch! Don't sell yourself short on this fake "boyfriend" who just reaps all the boyfriend benefits but doesn't actually want to be with you.

[Andrina]

He's not a friend at all, really. Because he knows you would like a boyfriend, but he's intent on scaring any of them away, and believe me, they would avoid you and your place like a toxic dump with the way your friendship is with him.

He reminds me of gay men I've known who have used women for their own benefits. They wanted to present themselves in a certain way because of their career and society and duped women into marriage. I think the case with him is slightly different. I think he knows he won't have a family with whatever his issues are, and this is his way of having the benefits without being what a normal partner should be. There's a possibility he's fighting homosexuality and perhaps wants to try having sex with a paid worker to see if it can happen.

Regardless, it doesn't really matter what the reason is he hasn't had a relationship in 15 years that you know of, showing a clear pattern, and what his sexuality is. He's not shy, so if he wanted to be with you, he would, yet I don't know why you'd want this when it's clear he has major hurdles with his negative thoughts about his own plumbing. Relationships are hard enough, so to throw his hangups in would make a relationship even harder.

He places a moat around you because he enjoys the status quo and knows if you got a bf, his cushy existence in your life would change. He is selfish, self-servicing, manipulative, possessive, and has you just where he wants you--in the palm of your hand.

For your own good, you need to place this friendship on the back burner, and eventually let it totally end. Explain that your goal is to find a lifetime partner, and it's not going to happen with this strong friendship and him over all the time and badmouthing potential bf material.

Just because you haven't been successful dating as of now, doesn't mean it won't happen in the future. You will just have to get out into the world more when possible, trying new activities to meet men. If you keep on with this friendship as is, I can guarantee your success in finding a bf will be close to zero.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, hoshi said:

From girl to girl, you're just jealous. He looks at other girls, he has the right to. You two aren't even in a relationship yet either. 

I believe that caring so much for a friend that you have to do everything for them shows that you're the weaker one between you and him. A girl is precious and only a few men have access to. Giving yourself away like that makes the status between you and him worse. I did everything for this one guy, and I got dumped anyway, but I moved on afterwards. 

He would have confessed to you when he likes you, try not to rush it. Wait for him to say something. 

You're leading yourself on, he probably sees you as a friend and your feelings are just one sided. Just because he's coming over later or showing these little signs doesn't mean he likes you for sure. You just can't know something about a person because of his actions, he has to tell you for you to be sure of that.

My final tip to you is: Do not force your feelings on him. Even if you say you don't do it, it seems so obvious. You're trying your best to please him, manipulating him to like you back. Continue to do so would just worsen your friendship.

Honestly, in your position, I would just move on. He would be the one out of three times you fall in love with a person (everyone falls in love 3 times in their lifetime) and you won't forget him, but that's okay. It's normal. 

Agreed 

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He's not a friend at all, really. Because he knows you would like a boyfriend, but he's intent on scaring any of them away, and believe me, they would avoid you and your place like a toxic dump with the way your friendship is with him.

He reminds me of gay men I've known who have used women for their own benefits. They wanted to present themselves in a certain way because of their career and society and duped women into marriage. I think the case with him is slightly different. I think he knows he won't have a family with whatever his issues are, and this is his way of having the benefits without being what a normal partner should be. There's a possibility he's fighting homosexuality and perhaps wants to try having sex with a paid worker to see if it can happen.

Regardless, it doesn't really matter what the reason is he hasn't had a relationship in 15 years that you know of, showing a clear pattern, and what his sexuality is. He's not shy, so if he wanted to be with you, he would, yet I don't know why you'd want this when it's clear he has major hurdles with his negative thoughts about his own plumbing. Relationships are hard enough, so to throw his hangups in would make a relationship even harder.

He places a moat around you because he enjoys the status quo and knows if you got a bf, his cushy existence in your life would change. He is selfish, self-servicing, manipulative, possessive, and has you just where he wants you--in the palm of your hand.

For your own good, you need to place this friendship on the back burner, and eventually let it totally end. Explain that your goal is to find a lifetime partner, and it's not going to happen with this strong friendship and him over all the time and badmouthing potential bf material.

Just because you haven't been successful dating as of now, doesn't mean it won't happen in the future. You will just have to get out into the world more when possible, trying new activities to meet men. If you keep on with this friendship as is, I can guarantee your success in finding a bf will be close to zero.

 

Actually I just find it a bit problematic that OP and some other people are assuming he's gay just because he's not interested in her. I understand she loves him and wants a relationship so she might be speaking out of hurt. But to say that it's offensive he'd rather be with a hooker than her or that he's gay just because he doesn't want to date with her or sleep with her. He is not obliged to be into her romantically just because she is into him. It's not offensive that he may prefer a hooker. It just means he's not feeling romantic or sexual feelings towards her. There is nothing offensive about it, it's just a matter of taste. Every woman is not interested in every man either. What he's doing is wrong but not because he owes her to be interested. He is leading her on because he already knows she loves him. He's scaring other guys away coz he's selfish and he knows he'd be out of the picture if she got a boyfriend. He just wants all the attention, good food, companionship, all to himself.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, hoshi said:

Yeah I agree completely with this. He takes advantage of OP, which is a huge red flag.

A real friend wouldn't do that

[BBGirl]

13 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He's not a friend at all, really. Because he knows you would like a boyfriend, but he's intent on scaring any of them away, and believe me, they would avoid you and your place like a toxic dump with the way your friendship is with him.

He reminds me of gay men I've known who have used women for their own benefits. They wanted to present themselves in a certain way because of their career and society and duped women into marriage. I think the case with him is slightly different. I think he knows he won't have a family with whatever his issues are, and this is his way of having the benefits without being what a normal partner should be. There's a possibility he's fighting homosexuality and perhaps wants to try having sex with a paid worker to see if it can happen.

This post really makes a lot of sense to me.  He is very very homophobic. A wise older mutual lady friend who has since passed told me she thought he was gay.  His workmates - male dominated job teased him about it & when his company staff were working where we live - I noticed that he would make a big point of calling to me & they would see him calling into my house.  Like he wanted them to notice him calling into a ladies house.

He has some sexual interests that until he told me, I'd never heard of them as it is something more popular with the gay culture.  He does have some feminine mannerisms. Crosses his legs like a lady etc

This is why the google search threw me, I had accepted I loved a possibly gay man.  I was coming to terms with that. Where he comes from, he would not be accepted.  

To the poster who suggested I am jealous, this is not the case.  I have no problem with men looking at Porn, pretty girls passing etc.  I can laugh about that.  I am actually upset that he would go to a prostitute rather than me.

[BBGirl]

13 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 

Actually I just find it a bit problematic that OP and some other people are assuming he's gay just because he's not interested in her. 

He has given me reason to think he may be gay.  Sometimes he even alludes to it but I do know that if he is, then he feels deep shame about it.  He is as confused as me in this respect.

This is why the google searches shocked me somewhat.  Because all along - he has shown no interest & if vaginas etc are mentioned even in a joking way, he actually looks/acts disgusted.  

I sent him a joke with a *** in it & he was horrified & said if someone saw it on his phone, they would think he was gay.  I sent the same joke to my other male friends both gay & not & they laughed a lot about it.  He also has mentioned many times that he is afraid of guys trying it on with him.  I saw photos of him very drunk in his home town & he was lying on top of his male friend who was not impressed!  

 

[LotusBlack]

20 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

This post really makes a lot of sense to me.  He is very very homophobic. A wise older mutual lady friend who has since passed told me she thought he was gay.  His workmates - male dominated job teased him about it & when his company staff were working where we live - I noticed that he would make a big point of calling to me & they would see him calling into my house.  Like he wanted them to notice him calling into a ladies house.

He has some sexual interests that until he told me, I'd never heard of them as it is something more popular with the gay culture.  He does have some feminine mannerisms. Crosses his legs like a lady etc

This is why the google search threw me, I had accepted I loved a possibly gay man.  I was coming to terms with that. Where he comes from, he would not be accepted.  

To the poster who suggested I am jealous, this is not the case.  I have no problem with men looking at Porn, pretty girls passing etc.  I can laugh about that.  I am actually upset that he would go to a prostitute rather than me.

Many men cross their legs “like women”. It is particularly prevalent is places like Japan and even here in Europe. I think you are grasping at straws to be honest. The issue here isn’t his sexuality at all. It isn’t a matter of either he has feelings for you or he must be gay. Maybe he is gay, maybe he isn’t. You have no idea. What you ARE certain of, though, is that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. And that is the only relevant point that you need to know. Don’t let him be the one to set your boundaries, set your own. Your heart won’t be in to dating others until you get over him and you won’t get over him until you separate yourself from him. The writing is on the wall, so it’s up to you to read it. Not reading it won’t change the outcome, it just means you won’t move on as quickly as you potentially could.

P.S. It is none of your business if he would rather go to a sex worker. What right do you have to feel offended over a friend being interested in something that has nothing to do with you?

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, BBGirl said:

This post really makes a lot of sense to me.  He is very very homophobic. A wise older mutual lady friend who has since passed told me she thought he was gay.  His workmates - male dominated job teased him about it & when his company staff were working where we live - I noticed that he would make a big point of calling to me & they would see him calling into my house.  Like he wanted them to notice him calling into a ladies house.

He has some sexual interests that until he told me, I'd never heard of them as it is something more popular with the gay culture.  He does have some feminine mannerisms. Crosses his legs like a lady etc

This is why the google search threw me, I had accepted I loved a possibly gay man.  I was coming to terms with that. Where he comes from, he would not be accepted.  

To the poster who suggested I am jealous, this is not the case.  I have no problem with men looking at Porn, pretty girls passing etc.  I can laugh about that.  I am actually upset that he would go to a prostitute rather than me.

Let's just say if he only wanted sex and nothing else...Having sex with a prostitute would be very easy for him. It's just her job and they wouldn't know each other. Whereas having sex with you would have strings and consequences because you love him.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, BBGirl said:

He has given me reason to think he may be gay.  Sometimes he even alludes to it but I do know that if he is, then he feels deep shame about it.  He is as confused as me in this respect.

This is why the google searches shocked me somewhat.  Because all along - he has shown no interest & if vaginas etc are mentioned even in a joking way, he actually looks/acts disgusted.  

I sent him a joke with a *** in it & he was horrified & said if someone saw it on his phone, they would think he was gay.  I sent the same joke to my other male friends both gay & not & they laughed a lot about it.  He also has mentioned many times that he is afraid of guys trying it on with him.  I saw photos of him very drunk in his home town & he was lying on top of his male friend who was not impressed!  

 

So Google knows his sexuality? You can just say: "Hey Google, what's such and such-and-such's sexuality?" and it will tell you? Lol

[BBGirl]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So Google knows his sexuality? You can just say: "Hey Google, what's such and such-and-such's sexuality?" and it will tell you? Lol

No.  He has alluded to being gay before so I just thought I am in love with a gay man.  His recent google searches would disagree with that.  That is what I mean.  

Like a gay man would not likely be looking up hookers but I am no expert.  

 

 

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry to say but my opinion is he's not gay. Sure, some gay men who haven't come out may pretend to like a woman, but they wouldn't be looking at photos of sexy bikini women in secret in their own free time. Only a straight or bisexual man would do that. A man who actually is attracted to women.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, BBGirl said:

No.  He has alluded to being gay before so I just thought I am in love with a gay man.  His recent google searches would disagree with that.  That is what I mean.  

Like a gay man would not likely be looking up hookers but I am no expert.  

 

 

In what way did he allude to being gay? Yes that's what I think too. A gay man doesn't look at women's sexy pictures in private. He just wouldn't be interested in that.