I love one guy but he is not committed for lifetime...

[Jennifer]

Hello everyone,

Here is my love story. Just started in a last month. He (26) and me (28) were friends before from 2 years. We started to feel love for each other and he confessed it first. I said yes and it's like head over heels in love. I really want to spend my whole life with him because he is the one I always wanted. I always believed in a love marriage. So when I asked him about marriage then he directly said no because he is still not settled in his life and even care about his family who will not allow love marriage easily. I was totally broken when I heard this but I can't stay without him. I know I have to stop here in this relationship but I can't because I really love him unconditionally. Need your advice, what should I do ???

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Jennifer said:

I was totally broken when I heard this but I can't stay without him. I know I have to stop here in this relationship but I can't because I really love him unconditionally. Need your advice, what should I do ???

You can stay without him. You don't want to, but there's a distinct difference there. 

I would take your space from him. He's essentially already told you that it isn't going to dvelop in the direction you would like. It's disappointing but it's just not meant to be. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Jennifer said:

Just started in a last month. He (26) and me (28). I always believed in a love marriage. So when I asked him about marriage then he directly said no because he is still not settled in his life and even care about his family who will not allow love marriage easily.

Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage? He seems too young and undecided for you.

Asking someone to marry you after 4 weeks dating would scare anyone off. Slow down. 

[Lambert]

I think you need to hear what he told you.  There is nothing you can do to change another person.  You may not agree with what they say or do.  But that's them.  

if you want to have a marriage based on love--- accept this is not the guy and move on to new guys. 

You absolutely can get over him.  You don't want to.  And of course, we all want what we want.  But you have to grow up and see things in a realistic light.  Or suffer the consequences. 

You would not buy a blue shirt, expecting it to be a red shirt, would you?  No.  This isn't the guy.  

[Batya33]

You don't love him unconditionally because you are recognizing that you don't want to be with someone who doesn't have marriage as a goal.  So you are putting conditions on continuing to be with him.  Which is fine.  He doesn't want to marry you and doesn't think he wants to marry in the way you do.  So you two are incompatible.  It's very hard to leave someone but every day you stay with him is a wasted day if marriage is one of your goals.  I'm sorry.

[Andrina]

As each year passes with you devoting your time and energy into him, you will be growing more and more in love. And then when he marries who his parents select, you will be several years older, devastated about the loss, and find yourself single with fewer available prospects, as the pool of candidates you meet at a younger age usually dwindles as you get older.

Why not save yourself all that heartache and be single now as you will wind up there anyway? You can no longer be friends with him because you've crossed a romance boundary. It will prevent you from bonding with a  new man and a new guy won't date you when he sees you're hung up on Mr. Nowhere Man.

It's wise to have dating rules, especially ones that are major like having the same dating/life goals. You two don't. There are other attractive men you can find who don't have any barriers whatsoever. That's where you'll find what you're looking for.

[Rose Mosse]

It's one month so early enough to end this. It'll be worse the longer you continue and it'll play on your mind. If it's not customary to date without leading to marriage, this is a dealbreaker. I'm not speaking about my personal opinion, just looking at this from your perspective in your culture. 

Dial it back and don't keep feeding yourself false notions that the love is unconditional. It is conditional. If someone doesn't feel the same way about you, you do not keep pouring yourself on them. Take care of yourself. 

[melancholy123]

You have a ton of excellent advice here and I hope you are listening to it.  This is not going to work, this guy doesn't love you, seems to be destined for an arranged marriage that you won't be part of.

Time to move on, learn from this, find someone who will be available to love you as you'd like. He is not that person.

[smackie9]

Over the 2 years of being friends, not once was this ever mentioned/talked about how strict his parents were about whom he married? really??

[Hollyj]

I too, loved my ex but ended things, as there wasn't a future..  I survived.   You can live without him.  

He does not want to be with you, he has been very clear.  

[Jennifer]

@Wiseman2 He still don't know about his marriage, either it will be a love or arrange. I asked him because I have seen him so closely from 2 years.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Jennifer said:

@Wiseman2 He still don't know about his marriage, either it will be a love or arrange. 

Stay far far away from anyone scheduled for an arranged marriage.

Instead, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Stay away from men scheduled for an arranged marriage who just want to sow wild oats before they're trapped in thier marriages.

[Jennifer]

Thanks a lot...

@Hollyj

@smackie9

@melancholy123

@Rose Mosse

@Andrina

@Batya33

@Lambert

@Wiseman2

@MissCanuck

Somehow I was feeling the same way you all said. I am going to end it seriously. I know it's damn hard for me because I really cherished him but I have to do it. I can't even describe in words that how I am feeling right now!!!

Thanks once again and wish me best luck for bright and happy future.🙂

[Jennifer]

@Wiseman2 Yes, obviously. I will stay far far away from anyone scheduled for an arranged marriage.

[Jennifer]

@smackie9 We never got in the conversation about marriage and all. I never asked him about it because we were just friends before. And I thought that if his family is really restricted then he will change their opinion. In the end love wins. But I was so stupid.😞

[Rose Mosse]

You are not stupid. Tell yourself you're learning and this is a learning experience. Don't keep pursuing someone who isn't interested in you. You don't deserve that. Out there there's someone else who will love you and treat you better than this. 

[Hollyj]

6 hours ago, Jennifer said:

Thanks a lot...

@Hollyj

@smackie9

@melancholy123

@Rose Mosse

@Andrina

@Batya33

@Lambert

@Wiseman2

@MissCanuck

Somehow I was feeling the same way you all said. I am going to end it seriously. I know it's damn hard for me because I really cherished him but I have to do it. I can't even describe in words that how I am feeling right now!!!

Thanks once again and wish me best luck for bright and happy future.🙂

I am very sorry,  but you are doing what is best for you!  Always protect your heart.  Don’t forget to block him after you break up. 

[smackie9]

8 hours ago, Jennifer said:

@smackie9 We never got in the conversation about marriage and all. I never asked him about it because we were just friends before. And I thought that if his family is really restricted then he will change their opinion. In the end love wins. But I was so stupid.😞

Maybe it's just me or a cultural thing for you but I usually know a persons marital status or history or opinion on marriage, kids and the like, fairly quickly when meeting and getting to know someone ...and that's anyone. It's just so normal for me to ask, that is why I was surprised that none of that ever came up between you two.

[Jennifer]

@Hollyj Thanks for your kind words. Yes I blocked him.

[Jennifer]

@Rose Mosse Thanks. I believe that I will get a person who will love me the way I do.

[Jennifer]

@smackie9 Actually he is living in a boy's hostel in my city so I only know basic information about his family. I never asked about it in details.

[smackie9]

So you really don’t know much about him then. 
What doesn’t make sense to me is why would he bother getting involved with you when he already knew his family would be opposed? And how do you know if he’s even telling you the truth? 

[SherrySher]

On 3/13/2021 at 6:22 AM, Jennifer said:

So when I asked him about marriage then he directly said no because he is still not settled in his life

I personally think this is the point you need to be focusing on and why he said, no.

He is not ready and it is not important to him.

At least you know now and can move forward knowing that you offered him a lifetime with you and he turned you down.

That's his loss, not yours. 

[Jennifer]

@smackie9 Yes, you are right. I am also confused that if he already knows that he can't go for lifetime commitment then why he started it!!!

I argued with him about this and he stayed silent and said his intentions are not bad and he really loves me. Even he said if I think this is not going to work then we can stop and can be in contact only. He will be ok if I will only talk to him. One more thing he said, "don't prioritize me more than your family. And get marry to the boy they will decide for you because they are your parents and they always wants good for you."

I was like you are my lover and saying this to me, my family will no never go against my happiness and they have given me freedom of choosing my life partner.

In the end no result. He said he don't want to talk about this more and want some space. It was hard to believe so I didn't talked about it again then.

[Jennifer]

@SherrySher Hey thanks for your amazing advice. That's his loss, not mine.